The Duck's Bill Issue 6
A Supernatural, Erotic Romance
 

Letter From The Editor:

Loyal readers, as we move on from the now-legendary Issue 5, in which we came out - as a manner of speaking - to the world as more than just a curious, courageous, tenacious newspaper publisher, but as an extremely rich, curious, courageous, tenacious newspaper publisher who now also owns a radio show, it's an appropriate time to slow down and take a moment to reflect on where we are and how far we've come. In order to paint this picture, let's start with a brief round-up of statistics:

Readers:

Too many to count

Dead Readers:

Geoff_With_a_G

Dead Hecklers:

Dynamite_

Viviana

FatGrin

FatherMacklePenny

Banned For Life:

Shane_Stetson

On The Dissident Watchlist:

Lucy

RufusWatchdog

Rival Papers:

The Harold (WaffleStompingChamp, status: MIA)

The RoboReport (Formerly TheDonBot, now LuncheonEpiphany, status: upcoming)

The Hunter's Digest (SimonTheSwanHunter, status: slurped up by Shane_Stetson)

As the duck spearheading one of the most successful underdog stories in Mafia Media history, it delights me to inform you that this is only just the beginning of what is sure to be an extremely long, taxing journey. Onto the news.

DUCK MOVES INTO RADIO

The world was stunned into reverent silence today upon news that QuackersFeatherbeak & The Duck's Bill had moved to acquire FatherMacklePenny's Speak Easy Radio Show. Experts were quick to frame the deal as yet another example of Featherbeak's preternatural business acumen, having acquired the program at an exceptionally cheap cost after the hilarious death of its founder and former host. 

In addition to the plaudits for Featherbeak, the deal broke new ground in itself as the first example in Mafia Media of a printed publication adding a broadcast asset to its portfolio. The move further cements The Duck's Bill as the leading publisher in the nation, far above the likes of The Hunter's Digest, who can't even count, let alone put together an incredibly savvy corporate buyout. 

A LOOK AT "A LOOK AT JEFF_FORT" BY JEFF_FORT

Jeff_Fort, a Wise Guy from the Marie crew in Summerlin LV, dapped up his father earlier this week in a distant memory that shook the nation to its core. It was the kind of dap that someone as charmless and dowdy as Shane_Stetson could never pull off, smiling nervously, leaving visible sweat stains on his cargo shorts and t-shirt as he attempted to dry himself off, and onlookers were seen raising their eyebrows in admiration of the father-son duo, casting glances at each other that said, "Hey, you see that? That was solid. Solid as a rock."

What were Jeff_Fort and his father up to? That isn't clear. But we'll continue to take a look at "A Look At Jeff_Fort" by Jeff_Fort in Issue 7. 

NEW REVELATION IN "SPEECH OF A SHADOW"

Adelin- appeared in the streets earlier this week and delivered a speech some are already calling "very long". As a favor to our loyal readers, we've managed to compile some key highlights to help you get a better understanding of the piece:

1. "I'm not a genius, I'm probably the dumbest person here"

2. "Before this regime, I moved from circle to circle, studying and watching you all"

3. "inceptive..intuitive…deception..inception..obsession..possession..descriptive..indecision..oblivion..kaleidoscope…manipulation..disassociation..these are some of the words that swirl around in my head"

4. "Then the burger housing joke that we all make. He was left hand. He thought he'd use that to do a coup d'etat."

5. "So I mean if you think you know me? You don't. So don't try to define me to your society's rules. Cause I don't fit in with it." 

Stunning, stunning stuff. And Burgerhouse? An insurrectionist. Burgerhoused with extreme prejudice for his efforts. A tale that continues to be written and rewritten as time goes by. If you'd like to read more, be our fucking guest. 

ANY HOT SCOOPS?

Send your juicy insider info to QuackersFeatherbeak for publishing.

Anonymous Key: 2e91f8cf1723aa152c98070a4521e1a5

Despite owning the most decorated and generously tipped Mafia Media publication, SimonTheSwanHunter always liked to keep an eye on his competitors. It was one of the many reasons he was able to stick solely to the newspaper business. He made something people liked and supported. He didn't need to cheapen his offering by continually pumping out inferior quality pieces or journey into the nebulous depths of shock radio just to try and scrounge 60k together. He was about studying the market, developing contacts to get the latest news, and presenting it in a way which resonated with people. This seemed to be the opposite approach to QuackersFeatherbeak who scatter-gunned whatever thought entered into his head that minute down onto the page and supplemented it with stolen jokes from better minds.

A quick peruse was all it took to make it to the end of the painfully thin issue. The displeasure was written on his face. A passerby stopped him. "Hey man, is that a tiny extract of The Hunter's Digest?" he asked.

"Oh no, not this flimsy drivel," Simon answered with a derisive snort, dropping it to the ground and the single sheet haphazardly flittered towards the pavement. 

"Ah damn. Was really hoping to keep an eye on the VIP Power Rankings! Thanks anyway!" The man said, taking his leave. Simon cast one last look at fallen 'paper' and followed suit. 

"He's not a person, you know, he's a duck. And he's kind of a dick." Simon said to Earl as the two men stood conversing outside The Duck's Bill media conglomerate empire corporate headquarters. 

Earl nodded dismissively... 

"Man, I just want to get a three-on-three pickup game, but I understand what you mean. Sometimes you get really sweaty when you're running up and down the court and the coach won't give you a blow. Finally, there's a foul and the clock stops and the towel boy will throw me a towel to wipe the sweat off my forehead, but there's nobody around remove the used towels..."

"Here's the thing about that, though. We've had one published paper by The Harold, one of your longwinded social commentaries, TWO, count 'em, TWO notices of upcoming RoboReports and ZERO issues, and The Cooter Times, which has big words in it. The Duck's Bill gives me something to read every day, and it doesn't have big words or maths. I'm a Duck's Bill man and always will be. You can take your $20,000 and go back to Chicago. I won't be bribed".

Those are words to live by, Rufus. You might be the last of the great mafia philosophers. Though, you certainly are a dissident. Right here, right now, you are throwing shade on our beloved Duck's Bill. That makes you a dissident and an Enemy of the People.

Goes to the Tattoo Parlor to have "Just wondering in all seriousness and can also point out that who really cares" tattooed across his back...

EarlOfSandwich, you said it, pal. What can a big word do that a small word can't? The Duck's Bill is so successful because we tread that fine line between the working man and the 1%. We operate with generational wealth behind us, but speak to the every man. Let's leave the math to SimonTheSwanHunter, Mr. 105%, who for all of his talk has proven he barely covers that subject. 

RufusWatchdog, are you threatening to eat me? You're crossing a line, pal. This is a professional environment. I don't hand out bans lightly, so you'll get away with it this time, but please continue to act respectfully while enjoying The Duck's Bill, The Speak Easy Radio Show, and other Duck's Bill-adjacent seminars and events.

Why thank you RufusWatchdog. I'm very glad to have your support. You're a good man. And an even better confidante. And a man of truly exceptional taste. Let me just fix something on my notepad real quick.

Readers:

Too many to count + RufusWatchdog

On The Dissident Watchlist:

Lucy

RufusWatchdog

Readers:

Too many to count + RufusWatchdog

Now let’s be honest, Quackers. You didn’t give an exact or approximate number of readers because we all know you can’t count, e.g your issue numbers. 

Good one Shane_Stetson. Will SimonTheSwanHunter feed you a cracker for that or do you just sit around parroting everything he says for free?