The Duck's Bill Issue 7: Hecklers Exposed
Dismantling The Heckler Industrial Complex

Loyal readers, some hecklers shout for justice, others for attention, some for money, and fewer still just because someone told them to. Is it our duty to listen? In a way, yes. But in many ways, no. Majority rules, so ultimately, no. We did anyway. We listened hard. And then we stopped listening, because we were bored. To entertain ourselves, we banned them from ever boring us again. 

Shane_Stetson and Lucy were banned for life from ever reading Duck's Bill publications, attending Duck's Bill events and seminars, and purchasing Duck's Bill merchandise. 

We wanted to use this issue, our seventh, as an opportunity to explain the extensive process that went into determining whether these two deserved their irrevocable embargo from the best news operation in the country.

We focused on answering one question above all others:

• Do they know what they're talking about?

Knowledge comes from experience. Therefore, we set out to discover whether either of these hecklers presenting themselves as 'experts' had any experience at all in the Mafia Media field. After all, even pigeon-toed nincompoops like WaffleStompingChamp and SimonTheSwanHunter have pumped a singular issue out. The bar was low.

Over weeks of painstaking, no-holds-barred research, our team of reporters were able to come back with the following information on Shane_Stetson's background in Mafia Media: he doesn't have one at all. Zip. Zilch. Not one single thing.

I was shocked. For someone so regularly in The Streets criticizing innocent reporters just trying to go about their business, seek the truth, and keep the public informed, out of nothing but the goodness of their hearts, you would have thought he had at least dipped his toes in the water. It appears, however, that he literally knows nothing, his opinion can be completely disregarded and his ban is even further justified.

In fact, the only information we could come up with at all was that his father was some guy named Dynamite, who was a crewleader for 3 days and then retired. He barely outlasted a concubine-born infant in an ancient Chinese power struggle. We weren't exactly staring down the CV of Hammurabi here. 

We quickly moved on to our next banned heckler, Lucy. Surely she would have a stronger resume than her companion in exile? I was confident, in fact. Somewhere in her background, there were newspapers, magazines, radio shows, her outspoken authority on these matters having surely been derived from a glittering history of Mafia Media work. And so we dived in, we dug, we scrambled, we searched, we pried and yet...we came up with a big fat blank. Another delivery of complete uselessness. 

"So, you're telling me...", I asked my crack team of the best investigators in the country, "that these cross-eyed turkeys couldn't tell their ass from a hole in the ground?"

"Yes," my team responded in unison, "these dinguses wouldn't know a news story if it held a press conference in their living rooms".

And so it appeared, readers, that there seems to be absolutely zero evidence either of Stetson and Lucy have any idea what they're talking about. These revelations were a relief to me, having mulled over their comments for days attempting to find productive changes to add to my nation-leading publication, my frustrations mounting as I struggled to upturn even one useful thing from anything they've ever said. Ultimately, it seemed, I was doing just fine. 

The Duck's Bill has cruised so effortlessly into our 7th issue because we believe in the sacred duty of Mafia Journalism: holding power to account, exposing the truth, and gloating about lotteries in the face of our struggling hecklers, who place 150k hits on us and then deny doing so, despite it being exceedingly obvious, and already having assured them we will pursue no retribution for the act. We owe our survival as a publication to fearless reporting, relentless curiosity, and a series of competitors who seem to barely make it past their 1st issue. 

So I sign off today by reiterating the list of banned readers, convinced more with every moment that my decisions were correct and justified:

BANNED READERS:

LUCY

SHANE_STETSON

Those who can, do. Those who cannot, criticize the Duck's Bill.

There is nothing I enjoy more than cozying up with a nice, hot cup of cocoa, my warm slippers, and the latest copy of The Duck's Bill, with the paper still warm from being HOT OFF THE PRESSES. I owe the Duck's Bill for keeping me informed when I am too busy to pay close attention myself. I would not have even known about Simon's lottery victory if not for The Duck's Bill. Other individuals and publications would keep us in the dark on such happenings. Thank you, Duck's Bill!

Do you know what I do not enjoy more than anything else? Those who would interrupt my peace and solitude. People like Lucy, whose only apparent purpose is to be mean to people. People like that other guy who wants to kill reporters, who do nothing more than shout in my ear when I am trying to read. I am glad that they have been banned. I do not like sharing my relaxation time with people who do not build, but only destroy (journalism).  Duck's Bill readers should NEVER have to be subjected to such barely-human cretins. Neither of them appear to have showered this month. It's just gross and annoying.

St_OtisTheMartyr, thank you for gracing us with your blessed presence. You make a series of great points. A World Series of great points, in fact. And you hit a grand slam. In the time since we both agreed hecklers of The Duck's Bill were gross and annoying, one decided to leave this world.

The updated lifetime ban list reads as follows:

BANNED READERS:

LUCY

SHANE_STETSON

We have prepared a eulogy.

Shane_Stetson was an odd man. An angry man. A man with a great amount of passion for SimonTheSwanHunter. He was very annoying to me, Quackers, and that's why I banned him from reading my newspaper. Was he a good man? I don't know. Maybe when he wasn't being really annoying. RIP. 

Are you silencing your critics Quackers? Now you have me all scared.

I'm not silencing anyone. Except you, at Duck's Bill gatherings. You have been banned for life. Please move along. 

I would also like to take a moment to eulogize another avid Duck's Bill subscriber who has passed recently, Denholm-Reynholm. He was a good reader. Very loyal. Exceedingly literate. He will be missed. RIP Denholm. 

You're one of the best customers we have, RufusWatchdog. Could you please take a moment to eulogize Shane_Stetson? I know you had strong opinions about him. 

Tony_G, let's make history. I'm prepared to revoke your lifetime ban - a first in Duck's Bill history - if you can say one nice thing about Shane_Stetson, our departed heckler, and one bad thing about SimonTheSwanHunter, not departed but hopefully soon. If not, that's cool too, stay banned, hang out at Harold fanclub meetings discussing whose hair is balding faster and tallying how many chins everyone has added since the last gathering. Is that the life you want for yourself?