THE HUNTER'S DIGEST RISES AGAIN

Since QuackersFeatherbeak had to stop crowing about winning a measly $25m or so in a lottery after I hauled home a near monstrous $108,000,000 last Saturday, we've had to endure his near endless boasting about his much maligned paper and endless misnumbered issues to make up for it. With nary a mention of pertinent news and despite being my deputy in the VIP Power Rankings for most of this week, he has shouted to anyone who would listen (which hasn't been very many people) about my lack of follow-up issues. I apologise to you, the army of readers of The Hunter's Digest that I have been busy with other things - not least finding a place to store nearly $108,000,000 - which delayed our second issue slightly.

But, fear not. Here I am. Front and centre, as proud and as beautiful as Riina's shoes after Jimmy's had the rag on them, armed with enough news to cram into your cakeholes that you'll be pleading, desperately bloated, begging for me to stop updating you on things before our Issue II is done. Tough shit, I say. I take my duty as a newsman seriously, and much like Cooper creeping around the sweaty anuses of the powerful, I just can't help myself from diving straight on in there, shouting "WIDER", and getting to work until my tongue gives out.

ARE THE BOOKS CLOSED - UPDATE

Last week, I asked "are the books closed?" and we concluded that they weren't. Kinda. In response, I can report that numbers are up!

• Godfathers +2 - Angelo_Barbieri (what do you mean, who? He's a real guy, I promise) and MiguelMorales moved up to the big jobs. Riina didn't. 
• Dons -1
• Consiglieres +4
• Bosses +14 - SlimGrin did not advance to the esteemed rank of Consigliere and remains a dreary Boss.
• Capos +11
• Made Men +2 

What about the associates? 

• Wise Guys -27 
• Earners -10
• Goombas +2
• Gangsters +3

This means that total Made Men+ have grown from 61 to 89 and the total number of associates has fallen to 218 from 250 for an overall net loss of 4. I would say that is pretty good going. 

PHILLY WHIP ROUND FOR ENNIS' FORUM VIP HUGE SUCCESS

After he was embarrassingly spotted about town earlier this week without sporting any Philly colours, Bella Vista bigwig Ennis received a prompt dressing down. Rumour has it he was called into Godfather-Chairman and self-proclaimed-without-any-cringing-whatsoever-somehow 'bad bitch' Cadhla's office to explain himself as to why he had ventured into the Streets half-cocked, and, arguably worst of all, to praise moronic Quackers.

Our man on the inside has it that Ennis shamefacedly admitted that because he had only managed to convince 8 people to follow him in nearly 3 weeks (and with judgement like support for the Duck's Bill it is a surprise he convinced them), he was dead broke and had been forced to pawn his VIP colours and wear only Rangers shirts.  

Horrified and second-hand humiliated, Cadhla quickly despatched South Philly motor mouth, RufusWatchdog to the Streets to scrounge up some VIP credits to donate to the 'Make Ennis Stop Shaming Us' (MESSU) fund. Rufus, never one to let the side down and proud to put the mess in MESSU, quickly marched to the public domain and began dropping banger after banger for the struggling Bella Vista boss:

"Rufus is in a good mood and gives a
high-five to all readers."

"Many now learned a lesson the hard way. aggrees"

"Keep up the good work QuackersFeatherbeak its really enjoying."

said ironically

Job complete, wisdom shared and good spirits spread, Rufus returned home. Philly was now the proud home of 4 whole VIP posters, Ennis amongst them. Good job, Rufus. 

MURDERERS WE AREN'T LOOKING FOR THIS WEEK

The Mafia is a bloody and ruthless business. Those at the top are forever looking over their shoulders to see who might be coming up behind them and take what they have - dominion over the silence. We get it. We understand that sometimes the hedge needs to be trimmed and weeds need to be pulled out to help the garden to grow. However, as I step over the ankle-high hedge and admire the weed-filled garden being watered entirely with piss, I question whether the balance is quite right. 

Anyway, here's the 5 most recent people who died and we aren't looking for their murderers: 

Cesare_Lombroso - Made Man - MiguelMorales

Coco_Martin - Wise Guy - Spike

Denholm-Reynholm - Wise Guy - Scousepole

Trash - Wise Guy - Scousepole

Hallie - Wise Guy - Elimater5

Whilst it is sad that these people lost their lives in circumstances unknown, please do not try to find witnesses to their murders. We don't want or need that shit around here and, something good did come from this, we have an opportunity for another competition.

Who gave the best eulogy (to the member they killed (or allowed to be killed))?

Option 1:

"No WS necessary" - MiguelMorales to Cesare_Lombroso

A twist on a timeless classic for a freshly minted button man. No WS necessary. Beautiful abbreviation on "Witness" and "Statement", stunning originality in swapping "required" for "necessary".

Option 2:

"No WS needed. Rest in Peace" - Spike to Coco_Martin

A multi-generation murderer of his own people, this man grew up on tales of his ancestors shooting their own members and giving them heartfelt eulogies. Spike was just a pup on Poppa SpikeS' knee begging to hear all the best ones the old boy could muster, before watching on wide-eyed as the old master swilled the bathwater around his glass, leaned back and shared each personal favourite from his endless collection. Does this tick the boxes for you?

Option 3: 

"No WS required. RIP" - Craven to Denholm-Reynholm

If there is one thing Craven enjoys more than shooting his own members and turning up at their funeral, it is shooting the members of other crews in the same city and doing the same. Note the clipped "RIP". Doesn't even need to say the words in full. Three whole words? Not for me, son. I've got my own people to shoot. 

Option 4:

"No W/S required" - NY-Goat to Trash

True commitment to the game. This man took a break from putting up Obscenely Low and Low numbers to eulogise a member of the crew. This might be a winner right here. 

Option 5:

"RIP. No WS needed" - Elimater5 to Hallie

Not a single post on his record, but put a gun in his hand and point it at the people who work for him and this motherfucker is simply unstoppable. He took Craven's eulogy, a work of art all by itself, sprinkled some of that Elimater magic on it and BAM, the RIP comes first like the milk into the cup of tea and we've got ourselves the Mona Lisa of the murdering our own people and not looking for their murderers. 

PLEASE VOTE FOR OPTION 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 - HERE

If you would like to be eligible for a prize, leave your name or anonymous key in the feedback box - thanks.

VIP POWER RANKINGS

Following on from the amazing feedback I received for this feature in our last issue, I thought it would be remiss not to provide an update:

Game's Top 15 VIP Posters
#1 QuackersFeatherbeak	#2 SimonTheSwanHunter	#3 moonlitopus
#4 Catherine	#5 Lucy	#6 StripheCorelli
#7 Rain	#8 LuncheonEpiphany	#9 RufusWatchdog
#10 Garrett-Mitchell	#11 Mistletoe	#12 GeorgeBorgesi
#13 Riina	#14 Jeff_Fort	#15 Giacomo_Parisi

Hot new entry in at #2 - SimonTheSwanHunter. Despite holding top spot for the majority of the week, Quackers desperate blathering about me and obvious jealousy of #5 Lucy's success has seen him cling onto #1. For now. 

moonlitopus is a big climber all the way from #13 to #3. Not quite as many places as I climbed, but still very impressive work.

Catherine is in at #4, narrowly edging out Quackers-stomping Lucy in #5. StripheCorelli laughed at Rooney and he's now in #6. Rain visited a business somewhere. Poor Luncheon is working out the kinks on The RoboReport, bless her heart and mighty Rufus powers up to #9.

Notable mentions in the lower echelons - Garrett-Mitchell, one of the Philly 4, my own bosses Riina, who said fuck you to his BG shooters and more importantly thank you to Simon, and Mistletoe, who likes to admire prospective graves. 

ONE TO WATCH: 

St_OtisTheMartyr

If this man bags himself a crew, recognition as above the unranked and unwashed chaff is sure to follow. 

Tune in next week for my triumph over Quackers or retirement. 

CKNOWLEDGEMENTS & MOURNING AN EXPLOSIVE FRIEND 

Thank you for your continued support against Mafia Media tyrant, QuackersFeatherbeak. Your wonderful tips, significantly more than he has gained, just like my lottery win was significantly greater than his, have ensured a seamless printing process which can only enhance our product. Your kind words are just the icing on the cake. You're all amazing. Well, not all of you. You know who you are. 

However, it isn't all good news this week as a good friend of mine, Shane_Stetson, has been forced away from a life of crime. Some might call it "retirement" but not me. This swan hunter calls it an absolute fucking assassination by a certain fowl editor and part time shock jock. We lost a great and handsome man. We're all worse off for it. The quality of the conversation is lessened as a result. Who am I going to talk to now, BerZerk? ffs. Has it really come to this? 

Look, credit where credit is due: this is a terrible newspaper. Much better than your previous effort. If you were lucky, NY-Goat would drop an unadorned, unemotional "No W/S required" on you right now and save you the misery. Have your weeks of work, resources and time into your crew earned you the seconds of work, resources and time required to drop an RIP out of some pittance of esteem or regard? Doubtful. You could only dream of an Elimater5 "RIP" first, "No WS needed" second. But at the end of the day, you did manage to come out with an issue 2, outpacing all of WaffleStompingChamp, LuncheonEpiphany, and TheDonBot, a true A-Team of Mafia Media content. The great tragedy of the situation, of course, is that Shane_Stetson - your biggest fan - is not here to see it.

Can you imagine his delight?

He would have been giggling up and down The Street like a schoolgirl, dancing and skipping from newsstand to newsstand. 

"I like this paper because it is well done and the number is chronologically correct", he would have said, in his preening, literal way, like an alien one year into learning human customs. But at least you still have Lucy - self-professed news expert, publisher of zero newspapers, contributor of nothing to the discourse - to surely stop by with some plaudits. You two have fun, enjoy yourselves. We're all friends here. 

Sounds like something a loser would say to get back to the #1 VIP spot.

Cry us a river Quackers. Simon is just better than you in every possible way.

He's better than me at writing terrible newspapers, you're right in that regard, Lucy. Good looking out. 

Epiphany is sitting alone at an outdoor table of a nearby bistro sipping a glass of Chardonnay when she hears an odd duck using her name as he squawks at the newspaper man. Perturbed, she raises an eyebrow and crosses her legs, just enough to briefly expose a glimpse of her midriff but not enough to reveal the “Darius” tattoo on her inner-thigh. She addresses the duck with a tone of annoyance. 
 

No need to drag my paper or anyone else’s paper into your cesspool of rumors and tabloid junk, QuackersFeatherbeak. Yes The RoboReport is late. I have already announced that. And not that it’s any of your business, but I intend to make another announcement in the very near future regarding the late RoboReport. I’d appreciate it if I were left out of your silly newspaper war, as I think you’ll find that mine will be far different than the other ones once published. Have a nice day and have fun with whatever this is you are doing here. 

Epiphany smiles coyly

Tom is standing outside the publishing offices of The Unter's Digest watching while Issue II is released. His eyes are heavy from already reading 7.5 issues of his favorite publication, The Duck's Bill. Epiphany is walking her Great Dane, Darius, down the sidewalk cursing incoherently at sophisticated New York newspaper and radio magnate, QuackersFeatherbeak.

Darius shields Quackers with his own body, unsure of what the deranged woman may do to the adored publisher and philanthropist.

"Epiphany! Epiphany! What are you doing out here on the sidewalk? This is a huge waste of time that could be better spent on making your third announcement that The RoboReport is late! Mobsters are eager to devour any new information that is available, and right now there are dozens, nay, hundreds out there who are still wondering if it is late."

"Hop to it! Don't keep us in suspense!"