The Duck's Bill Issue 9.1: The Hunter's Digest III
LuncheonEpiphanizing The RoboReport By Way of Harold

CL SENDS CUNT CREWMEMBER ON DANGEROUS MISSION TO KILL HIMSELF
by: QuackersFeatherbeak

In the wake of the Burgerhousing epidemic that saw notable and highly-respected community members like BuckBurgerhouse and Otis receive the Burgerhousings of a lifetime, it seems Ranger's now-notorious reverse-Burgerhousing has prompted crewleaders like New York's Scousepole to take an entirely novel approach to their problem-children: instead of killing them yourself, just ask them to do it for you. 

Low-level goons were left scratching their heads Friday afternoon when the CL reportedly ordered Wise Guy-associate Arga to carry out a hit on his most dangerous of enemies: himself. The "cunt" in question was seen chatting with his boss at a New York pizzeria, where witnesses allege Scousepole to have said, "I can't trust anyone else with this one, it's gotta be you, and I need you to take you out quick."

Arga nodded solemnly, agreeing that "If anyone can take me out, it's me" and asked of a nearby associate, "If I don't make it out alive, tell ma I love her". 

Scousepole then handed Arga a handwritten note, which read as follows:

To: Arga
From: Scousepole
Sent: Apr 18, '25 16:02
Subject:

https://mafiareturns.com/news/uprofile.php?id=3478827
 
In ch if you have an open timer. Cunts shooting bgs

Ultimately, Arga's kamikaze mission was cut short, when Detroit GFC Jelly 'Pork Belly' Viterelli stepped in to shoot the New York Wise Guy himself, saving him the trouble of blowing his own brains out (for the family). 

2025-04-18 16:02:48 You witnessed vyilej-tllrieel WACK Arga

Whether the mission could be determined a success remains under evaluation, considering Arga did not manage to take out his target, though his target did manage to get taken out. Others despaired, failing to understand why Riina had not ordered the same task of SimonTheSwanHunter, who remains alive, despite his naturally fragile physiology and intolerable behavior.

In the days following Arga's death, onlookers were equally stunned by the courage and tenacity shown by renegade journalist QuackersFeatherbeak in his dogged pursuit of the truth, despite the whining and heckling of crybabies like Route and Lucy, who - as several witnesses were eager to remind everyone - remained banned for life from Duck's Bill publications, events, seminars, getaways, conventions, galas and dances. 

BANNED READER LIST:

LUCY

ROUTE

SHANE_STETSON

ADDITIONAL NOTES

Thank you to the loyal benefactor who donated over 20 million to the last edition of The Duck's Bill. We are truly humbled by how enormously wealthy our patrons have made us. You are the wind beneath our wings. One can only think of the likes of WaffleStompingChamp at a time like this, as he sucks the juice out of week-old tuna tins. Try not to starve, you filthy peasant.