The Duck's Bill Issue 9.9: Lifetime Ban-O-Rama
Don't Squat With Your Spurs On

Loyal readers,

I have made over 100 million dollars publishing this newspaper. I could retire happily today. I could've retired happily weeks ago. I've made my fortune. I deserve to float in a pool overlooking the French Riviera, being tossed bread by my buxom Latina housekeeper, while SimonTheSwanHunter does tricks for me in a court jester outfit. They say he's desperate. He'll take any job these days. Sad. I'd like to think I'd have a bit more dignity than that in hard times. I'd keep my chin up, instead of demeaning myself performing card tricks for rich ducks in exchange for food scraps and a supply closet to sleep in. 

The fact is, I continue to publish this newspaper because I believe in the power of mafia journalism. I trust in the power of mafia truth. I bathe in the light of mafia justice. Some people criticize me. They say, 'He doesn't even write any stories'.

Here's a headline for you: MIA Harold-editor WaffleStompingChamp seen chewing legs of discarded furniture for sustenance. 

Do I even need to elaborate? It's a grim tale. Journalism is tough. These aren't easy stories to stomach, let alone investigate (bravely) and report. 

Here's another one: Hunter's Digest Editor caught cutting out pictures of own face and pasting them onto war hero exhibits at the Smithsonian.

Disgraceful. If there's one thing I won't stand for, it's stolen valor. And I say that as a Delta Force black ops vet who's done three tours. 

However, operating without fear of the bottom line has put me in a privileged position. I realize more and more, as I look at the failures of my competitors, that my newspaper cannot cater to that same, boorish audience as they do. I do not need 'the common man', like Route, who just whines and whines privately, and has his private whining leaked to me, so I can laugh at him and ban him from my newspaper. My work is of a higher-brow nature and deserves a higher-brow audience. It deserves the best of the best; exclusivity. And in order to achieve that, we're going to have to make some hard decisions.

From here on out, one random reader per issue will receive a LIFETIME BAN from The Duck's Bill until such a time as we believe our audience to be sufficiently restricted and exclusive.

The banned list already includes:

Lucy

Route

Shane_Stetson

Tony_G

Unfortunately, without further ado, the random reader banned today is....

Lieutenant_Titus! 

Sorry L.T. Off to the Hunter's Digest with you, pal. 

Check back in next issue for more exciting news and bannings.

With all due respect, Mr. Featherbeak, please do not randomly add me to the BANNED! list in the next or any subsequent issues. The Duck's Bill is the only source of information that I know of that contains lists of people who are banned. It is the only place to find these facts. I have no use for stories. Why do I need some reporter to tell me what just happened? I WAS THERE! I LIVED IT! And I have the scars to prove it. All I need to know is who is banned, and then I can get on with my day.

We're taking a break from the usual mafia-related activities today, though. Today, one of the guys is having a birthday party for his youngest daughter, and all the wiseguys' kids are invited. From what I understand, they are even hiring a well known newspaper publisher as entertainment for the event. I heard he juggles, makes balloon animals, and has a big red nose you can honk. Sounds exciting.

Unfortunately, Tom, the Ban-O-Rama event is completely random. Only lady luck stands between you and a life without the best newspaper in the Mafia. Take a moment to imagine it. Your hand brushing wistfully by a freshly-printed copy of The Duck's Bill, as you're forced to extend further, way into the back of the newsstand, into the area where they keep the depraved porno mags sexless husbands jerk off to 35 years into a loveless marriage, to grab your old tattered copy of whatever Hunter's Digest is left over in the years since their last issue. The Duck's Bill has published somewhere between 3.3 and 5.7 issues since we last even heard from SimonTheSwanHunter. 

I pray it's not you, Tom. But the truth is anyone could be next.

I hope I'm next. Getting name dropped in this rag to try and drum up some interest for it is tedious. QuackersFeatherbeak banging on about having earned $100m across 98.6 issues. Big deal. Is that all? I earned more than that is one fucking afternoon mate. Mafia Media isn't all about the money and the fame. If it was, I'd have left weeks ago when I collected enough cash to have you plated on my table in an orange sauce. Instead I'm working on a great interview with a Godfather that people are going be reaching for faster than Ragnarok can clutch his pearls when an innocuous recruitment mail comes his way. 

I didn't even listen to anything you said. I wish you were dead. That is NOT a threat, it is purely a personal opinion, before anyone rats me out. I am NOT going to kill SimonTheSwanHunter. I just wish that I COULD kill him without repercussions. But that's not the world we live in. It's unfair. It would be like TomJoad getting banned from The Duck's Bill, his favorite newspaper, which we all pray doesn't happen.