The Duck's Bill Issue 10.1: Banpocalypse
Git Along, Little Doggie

Loyal readers, 

In the time since my last release, The Duck's Bill editorial team set off for a corporate retreat in the Rocky Mountains. We stayed in the kind of place where terms like 'concierge' don't need to be prefixed by 'private, 24hr', and spent the better part of a week holding important meetings, skiing and sharing increasingly bold fragments of our real personalities with each other. Getaways like these offer our colleagues the chance to glean some insight into who we are outside of the office - the real us, away from our work personas - after we've loosened our ties, kicked up our feet, and are done screaming at our children and sending them to bed early so that we can sit in tense silence with our wives, drinking enough whiskey to pass out in the armchair and mess up our backs, preparing our mood for a loud and angry family breakfast we'll all want to forget quickly. 

It was an incredibly successful trip and one that has made our organization strong, determined and completely impenetrable to spies. 

I tell you this, readers, because upon my return from up high I was greeted by no less than three instances of the kind of vulgarity that is becoming more and more commonplace among the plebs of this country, and exactly the type of behavior which was central to our discussions over the week (namely who and how many will be banned from our newspaper next). 

1. ThinGrin was incredibly rude to me. I am not fat and he is among the worst Grin's I've ever known, which is one of the lowest bars imaginable. Finding a good Grin is like finding the hillbilly whose wife is the least related to him. I will see him in court. 

2. Lucy is still complaining. I thought a week off might help her cool off but she just goes on and on and on and on. 

3. Judith tried to kill me.

May 03, 12:36:54

jthudi tried to WACK! you.

How could you, Judith? Who sent you? Was it a banned reader? But which one? The truth is, good journalism can't please everybody. That's how you know you're doing the right thing. This isn't the first time I've been attacked and it won't be the last, and it has left me feeling stronger and more resolute than I ever have. 

In honor of my survival, The Duck's Bill will be upping the stakes on our Ban-O-Rama event and will be sacrificing a host of readers to the lifetime ban list, chosen completely at random.

So without further ado:

Emerald, Adam-Sandler, Cyclone, big_jason, and the ENTIRE Giacomo_Parisi family: you are banned for life! Lucy, as a member of the Parisi family who has already been banned, earns the distinction of being our very first MEGA-BAN. 

You may no longer read The Duck's Bill, attend Duck's Bill events, nor sign-up to Duck's Bill getaways, retreats, seminars, barbeques, gatherings, conventions, galas or balls. 

The banned reader list now reads as follows:

Lucy

Route

Shane_Stetson

Tony_G

Lieutenant_Titus

Emerald

Adam-Sandler

Cyclone

big_jason

The Giacomo_Parisi Family

The mega-banned reader list now reads as follows:

Lucy

What the hell did I just say?

I don't know. Provide some context clues. Who were you speaking to? Where? What general topic of conversation? I'll try to guess. 

Not only are you incompetent, you also have trash short term memory.

I can't bother.

Hi, Mr Featherbeak

Larry raises his hand. It was unusual for a newspaper to hold a press conference but he attended anyway.

Just wondering, is there a way to request a ban? There are some notable names on your ban list and that's the type of company I want to be associated with. Perhaps a donation of sorts would sway you. Your bans are becoming something of a status symbol in these streets and I sure would like to attain that level of notoriety if possible.

Thank you for your time, big fan.

I can't bother.

That's simply not true. You bother me with your ranting and raving all the time. 

However, I must remind you, you have been banned and subsequently mega-banned from even being here. I'm starting to suspect you're using these unhinged outbursts as an excuse to sneak a peak at the excellent Duck's Bill content you've been prohibited from reading & enjoying.

LongLeggedLarry, this is not a press conference. Generally a press conference would involve one person speaking to a large number of press representatives in order to put an announcement into circulation. This is a newspaper release event specifically relating to the distribution of a newspaper from one single member of the press (QuackersFeatherbeak) to the public. I am simply standing here overseeing the crowds, making sure none of you get unruly and that no banned readers accidentally get their hands on our content. 

Sadly, there is no way to request a ban. I take lifetime bans extremely seriously. Some of the citizens on our banned list have been personally handed bans at my greatest reluctance, and in response to egregious acts of violence or vulgarity (such as Shane_Stetson placing me on the hitlist and attempting to murder me) however most are chosen completely at random, like the Giacomi_Parisi family. 

There is no surefire way to earn a ban and I hope to never have to hand one out again. 

I wasn't reading it before anyway, but I think I'm going to start.

Adam puts his thumb on his nose and wiggles his other 4 fingers.

You can't, Adam. You've been banned. Too bad for you.

Me? I cannot begin to express how relieved I am. My hands were shaking when I started going over the ban list, afraid of seeing my own name. Once again, I escaped persecution and I can throw rocks at Adam's head, like he was some unlucky lottery winner. Thank you, Quackers, for once again delivering the news to us in a timely fashion while other publications seemed to have stopped the presses.

Druss, I'm proud of you. In just one month of literacy, you've managed to acquire a better taste for mafia-leading journalism than every reader of The Hunter's Digest and Harold. Congratulations. 

Adam-Sandler, I have to echo TomJoad - who is thankfully not banned for at least one more issue - and inform you that as part of your all-encompassing, lifetime ban from The Duck's Bill, not only are you no longer afforded the privilege of staying up to date on all of the latest Mafia news, but you also may no longer attend any of our functions, like our celebrated lecture series or SimonTheSwanHunter kill-squads (again - I am NOT going to kill Simon, this is NOT a threat, but we keep kill-squads at the ready JUST IN CASE). 

I enjoy sitting down with a glass of Chateau Rothschild and a fine Cuban cigar, along with my good friend Rufus, and chuckle at the absurdities of life while we peruse The Duck's Bill. It's one of the only times where we get to enjoy the fine things in life without being subjected to the lower life forms that inhabit other areas of our streets. It's also nice to enjoy distinguished company, which seems to be the mold which makes Duck's Bill readers. Of course, we have the riff raff like Lucy who always show up to try to dress-down the event, but that's why Quackers has a ban policy.  Zero tolerance for peasants.

It's times like these that I appreciate what we have here. Life is good. Relaxing with all of mafia life's gifts.

Believe it or not, Tom, some still balk at the ban policy. My response to them is always the same: look at the results. Here we are, enjoying ourselves in exclusive company, free from the sewer-dwellers who stalk my release events to embarrass themselves saying things like, "I can't bother", only to be promptly removed from the premises by our burly team of volunteer newspaper guardsmen. In fact, I don't think I've seen a more refined readership in the history of mafia journalism. 

And in that spirit of exclusivity, the Banpocalypse event has claimed several new victims. The following people have been randomly selected for a lifetime ban from The Duck's Bill and Duck's Bill adjacent activities:

BerZerk

Jelly-Viterelli

Tony_Soprano

Lighter

My condolences. I'd recommend no news at all rather than finding solace in misinformation like The Hunter's Digest but it's a free country. 

The banned reader list now reads as follows:

Lucy

Route

Shane_Stetson

Tony_G

Lieutenant_Titus

Emerald

Adam-Sandler

Cyclone

big_jason

The Entire Giacomo_Parisi Family

BerZerk

Jelly-Viterelli

Tony_Soprano

Lighter

The mega-banned reader list now reads as follows:

Lucy