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| Let God be with you! ACT NOW! | Started by: TheSpacePope on Jul 03, '08 20:58 |
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Be of good cheer, my children, for God is with ye! Rather, more specifically God is with me, The Space Pope and now, for a modest offering, The Space Pope can bring the power of God to you! Yes, let your downtrodden spirits be lifted for the holy works of the Lord are now within within the reach of even the poorest among us, thanks to His humble servant, The Space Pope! Seize this opportunity, for only God knows how long it will last! Hide not your wallets! Be not stingy with your cash and let The Space Pope intercede before the throne of the Almighty on your behalf. Take a moment to peruse a simple list of offerings that you can now take advantage of as you wend your way though the trials of life! General Blessings $5,000 Need a bit of reassurance from On High? Wishing for a tad bit of extra help in making a dent in your little corner of the world? Send The Space Pope a telegram and he will be sure to include you in his daily supplication! Custom Blessings $10,000 Want something specific that The Space Pope wouldn't normally pray for? Having trouble attaining the recognition you feel your family owes you? Nothing working in getting you into the pants of your dream girl/guy? The Space Pope can plead for you on your behalf! Are you guys looking for an extra inch or two? The Space Pope isn't proud and he has just the connection you need! Rebukings $10,000 Having a bit of trouble with the kids or even a competing Crew Leader? Send them a scalding rebuke as only the mouthpiece of God can deliver! Let The Space Pope orate the gravity of your displeasure toward those whom you believe deserve it. The Wrath of God $10,000 Were you recently wronged? Did some cowardly infidel offend your tender soul? Employ The Space Pope to rain down the wrath of God upon those who have troubled you! Choose from not one, not two, Not even five, but TEN of the plagues that Moses inflicted upon Pharaoh who held the Children of Israel as slaves! The Space Pope can send locusts, boils and even frogs to torment your enemies! The Wrath of God with specific ills $20,000 Storms and pestilence not quite potent enough to adequately illustrate the depth of your grievance? The Space Pope will happily implore the Lord to deliver the affliction of your request! Indulgences $5,000 each Whom among us is perfect (besides The Space Pope, of course)? Is it REALLY realistic to expect an ambitious Mafiosi like you to adhere to ALL the rules? Certainly not! That's why, for a reasonable donation, The Space Pope can cut you a little slack by exchanging your charity for bit of grace before God. That's right, my flock, buy and indulgence and stick it in the bank before you head off on that vacation to make sure that whatever happens in Vegas STAYS in Vegas! Indulgences are non-specific and automatically pre-approve you for that innocent little vice you just can't seem to shake! Communion with the deceased $20,000 Did your Great Aunt Ruthie REALLY mean to leave all that money to your cousin instead of you!? Seriously, after all you did for that old bat. She must have just forgotten to update her will before she passed on. The Space Pope can help! Weddings $250,000 Bless you for your holy union! Your decision to embark on a new chapter of righteous wedlock with the love of your life/newly found soul mate/girl you just knocked up! The Space Pope can pronounce you wedded in holy matrimony! Eulogies $250,000 Are you tired of the same old RIP rerun on every tombstone you see? Are you feeling a distinct lack of effort on the part of the funerary onlookers? Make sure that doesn't happen to you! The Space Pope can wrestle the Spirit of the Lord into the hearts of even the most stiff-necked of gangsters! If they don't cry on the outside you can rest (in peace) assured that they are wailing on the inside! Confession $5,000 Shame on you. You should have bought the indulgence. Its ok, The Space Pope understands how busy you were. The Space Pope has a duty to his flock to take upon him the sins of his subjects. Confess your sins before me and free your soul from the heavy weight of guilt. Confession with feigned sympathy $20,000 Confession by itself not good enough? Is what you did truly unique, deviant or offensive? Do you want to feel like someone cares about your inane little problems? The Space Pope cares, as long as the price is right. I won't judge you, and for a little extra I won't fall asleep while you whine either(Actually, I probably will, but you wont know it)! Confession with absolution $1,000,000 Who needs faith when you can get the answers you want WHEN you want them? Not sure that God will really forgive you for doing THAT to IT!? You might actually be right. The Space Pope is a Holy Man, but is under no illusions as to the sickness of some souls. Don't let that stop you from cleansing your sullied hands before you meet your maker! No matter what you did, who (or what) you did it to, or how many Rodeo Clowns were involved The Space Pope can mete out forgiveness as long as your wallet is fat enough to mete out the dough! Last Rites $20,000 It's not too late, even if your precious blood is, at this moment seeping out from between your ribs. Don't walk into the light before getting your last rights taken care of! Swear off a lifetime of robbery, murder and pain just before you finally kick the bucket to insure your eternal reward! Terms and conditions may apply; see The Space Pope for details. Custom orders not listed above can be made available upon request! |
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La_Reina reads over and takes note hmmm... |
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| Reply by: La_Reina at Jul 03, '08 21:46 | |
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| Pastor Richards would be proud. | |
| Reply by: SpiderPig at Jul 03, '08 22:52 | |
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An example of one of the plagues The Space Pope can deliver to your enemies REPENT, YE SINNER! Oh, ye vile and unclean spirit! Woe, woe, woe be upon thee for thy sins and transgressions upon the Lord Almighty's servant CLIENT'S NAME. Suffer not thy temptations and buffetings upon him, for he is humble and righteous in the sight of God! The Space Pope lifts his hands heavenward, raising the Holy Cup of Gin 'n Juice upon high and prays in a thunderous voice: Oh, God. Though knowest the purity of thy humble servant Client. Vengence is thine and in this time of Client's troubles The Space Pope calls upon thy holy wrath to send locusts upon Victim for his unfaithfulness and heathen ways! Send forth thy locusts that Victim might feel and understand the truth of the error of his ways! Aaaahmen. The earth begins to shake and the sun begins to darken. Thunder rolls across the sky and a dim sound, as if a thousand screaming maidens drifts toward you from afar. You wait, paralyzed, unable to move. The sound grows louder and the eastern sky darkens to the shade of ink. Louder the screaming comes and the cloud rushes toward you. Soon you are able to distinguish tiny black dots and the screaming takes on the timber of billions of beating wings. In an instant, as if a sandstorm has arisen, locusts swarm you from all directions, engulfing you and rending your clothes! |
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| Reply by: TheSpacePope at Jul 03, '08 23:09 | |
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Sir I need absolution but alais I cannot afford your fee / So I must burn in hell for the acts that I have been partaking in. They were fun / But I have found god in your words So sorry boys I must remove myself from the streets |
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| Reply by: Brittney at Jul 04, '08 16:03 | |
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| Never fear, my child for none shall be turned away from the grace of God. Thy sins shall not stain thy garments forever and hell-fire shall not singe thee. Though art a choice vessel in the sight of The Space Pope. And while it is true that money talks, though shalt not want for guidance. The Space Pope is a charitable man and legs like yours are one of the worthiest causes The Space Pope can think of! | |
| Reply by: TheSpacePope at Jul 05, '08 02:29 | |
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| Can you help me with Communion with the deceased? | |
| Reply by: Gardipee at Jul 05, '08 03:05 | |
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| Don't suppose you do some sort of rehab for gamblers do you? O_o | |
| Reply by: GeorgeAgdgdwngo at Jul 05, '08 09:29 | |
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certainly, Gardipee! Please send me a telegram with what you would like to know and from whom and The Space Pope will flex some spiritual muscle on your behalf. George, while I do not currently have an addiction recovery program in place Im sure I can adapt other methods of behavior modification for your purpose. |
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| Reply by: TheSpacePope at Jul 05, '08 10:08 | |
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| Thank you Space Pop | |
| Reply by: Brittney at Jul 05, '08 11:38 | |
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| Anything for you, my dear. | |
| Reply by: TheSpacePope at Jul 06, '08 03:53 | |
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| Apparently resurrection isnt just for the righteous. I may need to rethink my rates... | |
| Reply by: TheSpacePope at Dec 30, '15 22:21 | |
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