Society is in ruins. The Mafia World has suffered hundreds of deaths in a week, and not the usual fun kind of purging deaths, but deaths where icons of the World like Spike, Ligambi fella and...err... Spacepole died. They fiedbhorrible miserable embarrassing deaths and its all very sad. The economy has gone to shit. Funeral homes are full. Restaurants empty. There are orphans everywhere, poor hungry orphans desperate for a bite to eat and a drop to drink.

I've never seen so many lost souls, looking for a family to join but being too weak to take a spot in the precious emerging HQs

Doesn't anyone care?

I CARE

Introducing the latest craze that will SWEEP the nation. ELKMILK

Full of vitamins and minerals to get day started the right way.

ELKMILK

Korean spiced with hints of kimchi and floral scents 

ELKMILK

Vibrant and fun. We're all just nice guys having a nice time, ja?

ELKMILK

Gluten free and full of protein to repair those muscles after a busy day committing crimes.

ELKMILK

​​​Concerned about weight but can't afford those pesky jabs?

ELKMILK

So what are all you impoverished pathetic Mafiosa waiting for? The fastest way to leveling up is by consuming ELKMILK.

I can guarantee that consuming ELKMILK increases your chances of joining a family by up to 17%

Available across the nation in any good store for only $29.99 per bottle!

Not available in Detroit due to strict human rights laws and inclusion of PEDs in ELKMILK formula. Side effects include chronic sickness and diarrhoea, and may result in lost of consciousness.

Hell yes we are all saved my friend

This is the most obvious fucking scam that I have ever seen. Let it be known there is no worse snake oil salesman than @Elkmilk. Previously UglyInbredGeorge held that spot after trying to convince me to buy this lotion he uses to keep his skin from peeling off (for how well it works all one has to do is look at the explosion of dandruff anytime he scratches his head) but this elk milk shit goes beyond even that.

Appalling. 

I would love to see a full report of the trials that were used to determine the percentage and efficacy of this so-called, Elkmilk. You've already got our top press WaffleStompingChamp keeping an eye on you and I've heard his investigative reporting is tip top so best have your ducks in a row.

Tom is walking down the street on his way home from the race track when he hears a vendor standing outside the 12th Street Public Toilets, peddling his wares. The containers of elk milk are thrown carelessly into a tub and not kept cold with ice...

Nevertheless, he is intrigued. It was hard to ignore the strength and energy coming out of Detroit. Perhaps there was something to this odd delicacy...

"I'll take one!"

Tom hands the vendor a handful of coins and guzzles the lukewarm, frothy beverage. Immediately his nipples perk up and new hair grows with rapid speed across his chest. Then the unthinkable...his stomach starts to gurgle. Bad things are happening down there...

"Excuse me, I have to go!"

Tom darts through the doorway to the 12th Street Public Toilets, past the glory hole attendant, past the tea leaf reader, straight to the first stall, unprepared for what he sees inside...

Hello? What is this MADNESS?

Elkmilk... Elkmilk?!? And at 30$ for that undercut slim white moist unpleasurable MILK?

Sir, I don't have 30$. Do you know what fricken year it is for God's sake? I'm lucky to have a few pennies for the newpaper whenever there's only floating around. Does this ELKMILK shit gold bars? Please, tell me sir. 

I think we will find that WHALE MILK is the more superior of the milks. Someone should ask beluga. 

After a long and absolutely disheartening talk with my fine friend Beluga I come bearing extremely bad news for you Drieza. He has shown me the reviews from all taste trials of the whale milk from the last 6 months. It appears that the ratings were the worst in 3 fiscal years. I am not sure what has changed, beluga need to be placed on a much more strict diet, or pumped full of some sort of taste amplifying chemicals to correct this unforeseen circumstance. It appears at this time, the public, and critic choice for milk would be Elk Milk...

How absolutely disgusting these critics are. I am in complete shock at the results I have seen.

"As an expert in all things potions, tonics, and toxins, I can confirm that ELKMILK is, indeed, a fantastic substance. I tested it just the other day and felt a surge of euphoria like I've not felt in decades. The effects of ELKMILK are like that of a Witcher's potion, yet in ways that I was not expecting. My third sword erupted from it's sheath without warning, and I was force to immediately seek out a strumpet upon which to thrust it. There may or may not have been side effects - I will neither confirm nor deny these."

He paused to scratch his genitals, trying to be discreet but failing mightily.

"Do not be scared off by the price, it is well worth a few Orens for one night of pure elation."

The show of support for Elkmilk has been simply outstanding. Clearly this is what has been missing from everyone's life. Already people are alive. They have families. They have friends. They have... erections?

Elkmilk 

I've not seen Geralt this hard since he flopped his cock on Spike's desk and flexed it for all to see, dropping his massive load of accomplishments all over everyone in a glorious display of raw animal power

ELKMILK

To the naysayers? I say nay. WaffleStompingChamp you're banned from tasting the Milk of Elk. Enjoy your puny arms and brittle bones.

"With this controversial new substance hitting nearly every city, I had to take a closer look. Naturally, I trust the guidance of the cunning WaffleStompingChamp but it seems Detroit has already been denied access to this powerful elixir."

Upon closer inspection, Santiago sees fine print which suggests the existence of labor laws and human rights in Detroit- a complete and utter fabrication. Detroit is a land of lawless muggings and also lawful muggings. If human rights do exist, they will not be found there.

"If Detroit may not access the Elkmilk then we will find our own milk of some large mammalian variety. We will let the invisible hand decide which milk delivers the foremost quenching for soul and body."

I'll be honest with you Santiago, according to Tales of Olde and Legends of Yore, it was said that the people of Detroit were meatheads who could not read or write, is that no longer the case? Failing that I thought making the small print really small would hold you up.

I swear to beluga and all that is unholy, if you interfere with my legitimate Elkmilk farm then I will make it my business to inferfere in your business. Those majestic Swans may find themselves with some mighty ELKMILK fueled protection.