Drieza steps outside of the Queens, New York City Hall. With him are some of his men and some of the most popular law makers this country and city limits have to offer. Surrounded by lawyers, Drieza clears his throat for the public to hear his plea.

“Ladies and gentlemen, it has come to my attention that the lawmakers of America are ceasing their war on alcohol and are instead interested to focus their actions elsewhere. Today, we from New York, propose the SPCA, or also know as the Swan Protection and Conservation Act of 1920.”

 Drieza eyes the crowd and after no objections to the New York citizens, he props up the bill to read further.

“Congress has found that there are particular species of swan that can be found as endangered of extinction and can’t be recognized differently from the normal swan until after the swan’s death. Most importantly, the swan population remains vulnerable due to habitat loss, pollution, climate change, and unlawful hunting practices. These facts from our countries scientists have made their way to Congress, and Congress agrees with them.”

Drieza holds up the bill passed through Congress.

“I present this bill to SimonTheSwanHunter and ask the city of Detroit to stepdown from their hostilities of swan hunting the damage it is doing to the greater America. To sign, document, and follow.”

Drieza clears his throat some to announce the following assessments and fines.

“Anyone caught killing swans will be subject to a 25,000$ fine, or up to 15 years in prison confinement. Anyone caught in the act of capturing swans, or selling swan meat, will be subject to the same penalties as hunting them.”

He suspiciously eyes the crowd to see no objection from the New York citizens about the bill and folds it to tuck it into his pocket.

“New York asks Simon to cease in his swan hating actions starting today and to acknowledge this bill from Congress, and to help us make it into LAW. If anyone has any questions or concerns, I’d speak to them now before this makes it to the president’s office. You’ll be wrong if you object, but we are all willing to listen to your defense of brutally killing helpless and innocent swans around the country. No one asked Detroit to come into the city limits of New York and start crippling our swan poplution.”

Drieza holds a hand out to the city of New York so everyone can awe in it’s splendor.

“Our rooftops, our beaches, our lakes, and our parks. They all deserve swans. To me personally, to kill our swan population is an aggressive act on the city of New York that must be fixed now, before it’s too late to fix at all. New Yorkers, this is our time to UNITE for the city itself and its residents. Please, let us engage in a debate on this topic. For the future of the swan population, we can save it. And from this day forward, I encourage New Yorkers to uphold the constitution of the SPAC Act."

There is an old German proverb, "You don't want to be caught eating chocolate in the place that you poo". 

Think about that, Drieza. 

Here's something else to chew on. Where do swans live? By water. What else thrives in water? Mosquitos. What do mosquitos carry? Malaria. A terrible disease! It would be such a pity if everyone contracted it and suffered terribly.

The thing is, due to the increase in recessive alelles in inbred genetics, inbred people have shown a significantly increased resistance to the disease. So while everyone normal, including myself, would suffer terribly for having contracted it, any hypothetically inbred colleagues among us would brush it off like some sort of genetic titan, unmoved by the follies of mankind.

It makes you think: who's the real loser here? The people who, some might say, SMARTLY chose to keep their family line consolidated and linear, or the normies - like us, me included - who opened ourselves up to terrible malarial deaths? It makes you think.

Vote no on SPAC 1920. 

Eala read the bill in full, slowly, with the face of someone who had just watched UglyInbredGeorge walk into traffic twice and somehow survive. This so-called Swan Protection and Conservation Act? It wasn't law. It wasn't policy. It was a grave insult in legislative form.

She remembered the duck. Or swan. The thing had feathers, malice, and the ability to teleport through plumbing. It led her into the 12th Street Public Toilets, where it honked, defiled a mirror, and vanished into the pipes, leaving only a damp feather and the smell of sulphur and snack cheese. She emerged half-haunted and partially fermented. And for what? To hear a man in New York stand on a box and tell her swans are victims?

Drieza surrounded by men in hats and ideas thinner than municipal soup, stood like a priest at a wedding nobody wanted. He held up his paper, declared the grace of birds, and asked the people of Detroit to surrender.

Eala knew better. She had seen what swans truly were.

They hiss without cause. They block pathways on purpose. They fight children and win. Their eyes hold no soul. Their wings can break bones, and sometimes they do, just to remind you they're capable of it. She once saw a swan chase Big Jase (GRHS) into a hedge, then wait at the exit for twenty minutes. She has never seen a swan do anything charitable, kind, or remotely useful to society. And yet here was a representative of the big apple, asking for mercy on their behalf.

Even George, a man whose jawline looked like it had been drawn with a left foot, understood the danger. He was ugly. He was inbred. His very posture seemed surprised to be alive. And yet even George could see the bill was madness. He stood in the muck of our shared democracy and croaked out a firm no, followed by several comments about mosquitos, which, all things considered, might have been his most coherent thought to date.

Eala stood by her hunt. She stood by her wet boots, her ruined coat, and the feather she now kept in a jar labelled "evidence." She rejected the bill. She rejected New York's open invitation to be trampled under webbed tyranny. If the rest of the country wanted to give up their lakes and park benches to feathery violence, so be it. Detroit would not bow down, Detroit would not follow. We would kill more vile swans as protest.

Let the swans find safe haven elsewhere. Preferably somewhere already on fire.
 

Satan steps out from the shadows of the courthouse columns, the shine of his gold teeth catching the sun like a bad omen

"Drieza!" he says and and lets the name hang.

“You wanna tell me, with a straight face, that in a city choking on crime, debt, rats bigger than toddlers, and cops who shake hands with the me daily, we should all pause and hold a candlelight vigil for the swans? For birds? For long-necked arrogant bathtub-looking creatures who do not pay taxes, vote, or provide a damn thing for these streets?"

Vote no on SPAC 1920. 

"It is no surprise here to see the literally DEVIL side with the metaphorical devil's in Detroit. Satan, the power of Christ compels you. Your words have no weight here. 

Swans are majestic and powerful creatures. I'm told they could snap a man's arm clean in two. Is that why Detroit fear Swans? Detroit, once a city of athletes and basketball jocks now reduced to pathetic newspaper writing nerds. I never thought I'd see the day. 

Am I supposed to count the words of a self proclaimed ugly inbred as truth? My friend UglyInbredGeorge, I for one have never eaten chocolate in the place I poop, but i can tell from your hideously deranged attack on Swans that you, sir, have had a big ole steaming mug of hot pooplate as your evening drink. Do you want a side of lies with that? GO BRUSH YOUR TEETH, man.

Let me hit you with some real truth.

Swans are gifted and noble creatures. FACT.

Swans are pure and white and the King or birds. FACT.

Swans love ELKMILK. DOUBLE FACT.

I support SPAC and count myself as one of the foremost SPAC-kers on the planet. I consider my good friend Drieza as the biggest though, as befitting a man of his rank and stature.

"Okay, okay. I knew this would triggering for a lot of you to grasp. I get that. In fact, there was a point where I thought to myself... what have I done?" Drieza pondered on that moment for a minute.

"Then I decided I was in the right and I won't back down from a buncha swan packers." Drieza points at InBredGeorge.

"You, sir. Sir? You are a sir, right? I can tell when someone has been diagnoised with ugly ducking syndrome. It's no wonder that you had these birds given your disease. That part of me empathizes with you, but just because I feel bad for you, doesn't mean I will AGREE with you, sir."  Drieza thought for a moment.

"Do you know what these birds eat? The skeeters you're talking about. They are a lifecycle of the world. Without the birds, we attract more skeeters. I encourage you to change your vote given this new scientific value I have brought to you."

Drieza turns to Eala and just stared at them for a moment. Ah, yes. He could see it in their eyes. This person HATED swans. He would find no sympathy here, sadly. Drieza and Eala locked eyes. No, there was more. She HATED him for his proclamation on the protection for swan lives and beliefs. In turn, Drieza HATED Eala, he couldn't help it. That judgmental stare was enough for him to make his own judgment against her. Should he slap her? No... he was a respectful member of New York and this bill for Congress. Doing such a think would make all of the radio stations by morning. Instead, he nodded to her, letting her know that he saw her and they would be FOREVER enemies in this war for swan rights.

Then Drieza looked past her to Satan and SlimRagnarok. 

"Satan, we wouldn't put this forward if there wasn't long-term damage being done here. Why can't you hunt the pigeon population is my question? You want to stop disease spread from these swan mongers? Kill the pigeons. Feed them to your pets. They will be more thankful for it than the heavenly bird that is being hunted now. Join the SPAC, my friend. And there might be another chance for you to find your way to heaven instead of hell."

Then he turned to SlimRagnarok. 

"THEN KEEP YOUR BUSINESS IN DETROIT, SIR. New York never asked for your swan savageness. What is Christmas time in New York is not for it's swans? Please, tell me. I will wait. You cannot disagree with me that it's an icon of our holiday in this city. These are words spoken only by a true swan tyrant."

Drieza, two things. One; having spent some time in Detroit, you should know that the last thing you should do if you want something is present me with a long list of words on a page, as book learning, (an Oxford fuck you, Santiago) and reading specifically, are pursuits for dorks and Chicagoans, so dorks, and two, why are you championing something from the 1920s, 30 years later in the 1950s? That research was debunked years ago. Swans are known plague carrying vermin like rats and ChickenCat. 

And, $25,000 fines? Please. You probably missed this during your 30 year coma, but I actually won over $107m on the lottery back in April so I can afford about 4000 of them before I would even feel the sting. Speaking of sting, I've been wiping my arse with $100 bills for months now. They aren't suited to the task at all and are terrible for removing the residue, but the point is, I'm loaded. I can do whatever I like. I've attempted 5 organized crimes whilst we've been talking. What have you done, huh? Barely able to bang out top petty and I'm over here with my 18-strong Goomba posse smashing up trucking depots like our forts which twigs foolishly advised I buy during rebuild. 

I'll be back in 30 years to see if you've made any progress. Eala, please take this "bill" and use it for kindling at the next swan roast.  

Drieza looked at one of the assistants next to him, "What year is it?"

"1950." She replied.

"When the fuck did that happen?" Drieza asked.

She hesitated, but whispered, "What? Sir, a year ago."

Drieza turns around and looked at the year labeled on the courthouse.

"Holy shit. It is 1950." Drieza cut out the 5 of the year on the bill and turned it upside down before he taped it on again. 

"SimonTheSwanHunter... you know what? This isn't over yet. You shit on this bill from congress, sir? I will come back with something at a later date. You might deny congress, but you will listen to a well thought out UNION petition. Yes, sir, you will. How about a tax on milk? Riots and protests? You deny congress, but are you fit without the national guard??? These are questions we might find the answers to if you're on the wrong side of the swan history, my friendemy."

Drieza gagged at the mention of twigs name.

"Present" issue aside, New York is quickly becoming notorious for its clerical errors and lack of quality assurance, likely stemming from impulsive decisions that could be avoided with a couple seconds of thinking. No wonder it's all gone to shit with clowns like Drieza at the helm.

I've been informed that, within mere days of its founding, the Scare Syndicate has already turned a promotion into a demotion, and managed to draft a bill that was 30 years outdated straight off the press. It's no coincidence that these mishaps started happening as soon as Drieza traveled east.

When will we see strike three? I'm betting sooner rather than later.

Speaking of betting twigs, how did your latest games of dice go? Can you please help the audience so we can understand how competent you are?

Rumour has it twigs is named twigs for his weak and tiny arms. A swan would snap him in two, and we'd all cheer if it happened. You need to get yourself some Elkmilk.