I was hanging out yesterday at my new apartment built in the ruin of D0m3n1c's Bar & Coffee Shop in Detroit, minding my own business, when SimonTheSwanHunter approached me and begged me to run a story announcing the cancellation of his big_jason competition.

Noting his total failures at competition running, something even the much-maligned Kuku has been doing with enormous success for decades, I decided that the people deserved something more than just a glossing over of his inadequacies and a passing of the buck.

You see, a man named GunHolder once ran a competition called 'What Am I Holding' and saw more success than simple Simon. Lincoln_Lawyer, in a competitive writing competition that saw the deaths of nearly 700 people, still earned at least 4 or 5 honest entries. Even the late Godfather Mokus, clinging on to intelligibility like a climber one struggling pinky-hold from falling down the cliff face of nincompoopdom, nearly saw a competition to its end. But our Swanhunter? He barely made it past the starting gun. 

To: UglyInbredGeorge
From: SimonTheSwanHunter
Sent: Jul 15, '25 13:19
Subject:

can you run a breaking news story that I've been forced to cancel my proposed statue project for big jason as 

1) nobody has bothered to enter

2) he joined Chicago and not Detroit and I'm bitter about it

3) I don't have any money

By his own admission, he is unpopular, bitter, broke, desperate, ugly and inbred. At a certain point, it starts to feel like TomJoad would be putting him out of his misery by popping over and giving him a quick out, if you know what I mean. 

Where do we go from here?

Who's to say. Certainly, the people will be wanting reparations for time wasted on this doomed debacle, and even more so for raising hopes that legendary mafia icon big_jason would be rightly honored for his contributions to society. 

Do we have to kill Simon?

I'm not sure. 

But it's certainly worth considering.

Thank you. 

After listening to Ugly George's speech Fanta steps out from the crowd and speaks

The fact that I didn't even know about any such competition while being in his crew speaks volumes. He is a failure as is proven by the fact that just this morning I went to collect my payday and he had no money. Can you believe it Simon who claims to be some swan hunter had no money. And why do you think he had no money? Because he was mugged by some nobody while he slept in the streets passed out drunk. 

In short. I am mad about not getting that payday quick enough. 

If Tom decides to take any necessary step just remember he likes to sleep on the left side of his bed and doesn't have his gun nearby. And I want a room all to myself this time. I am fed up of sharing the room with this ugly looking dude who calls himself George.

Fanta walks away clearly frustrated and mumblimg

I've seen this coming for quite some time. The first sign was when Simon was snubbed by the kin of Big Jason, despite offers to build a giant statute of Jase.  Instead, Big Jay Junior came to the City of Chicago with arms wide open. We didn't even need to build a statue of him, but we might do it anyways.

You failed to mention how Simon's efforts did not even measure up to the "Shoot Grin!" competition, which had only one entry, and that person seemed to completely misunderstand how the competition was supposed to work. Still, that one poorly-executed entry was exactly one more interested person than was interested in Simon's failed endeavor.

As far as Simon's complaints of poverty, I'm not really sure how to address them. I cannot relate to the troubles and trivialities of the Detroit peasant. You see, we are simply ROLLING IN MONEY down here in Chicago. In fact, I just became $15,000 richer this morning. Coincidentally, Simon's coffers likely lost the same amount of money. Desperate times in Detroit, it seems.

Uglyinbredgeorge let it be a testimony to the generosity and mercifulality of Simon that you're still alive and not becoming genetically-defective vegetable-spoiling fertiliser after this little stunt you pulled. You're not supposed to leak PRIVATE COMMUNICATION to the public, especially not when it concerns a topic as sensitive as COMPETITIVE STATUE-BUILDING COMPETITIONS.

I come to ask you the same thing that has been asked ad nauseum in the streets: What happened to Omerta?

I used to be able to discuss with my most trusted crewmates (not George) who I was thinking of purging of today because I thought their face was offensively ugly (definitely George). But now I have to fear it being leaked to the streets or perhaps even worse, Competing newspapers.