ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕌ℕ𝔻𝔼ℝ𝕎𝕆ℝ𝕃𝔻

QUALITY, FACTUAL JOURNALISM. HOT SCOOPS.
SPECIAL EDITION: PICKPOCKETING SWIMMING-MAMMAL PLUMBERS

12th Street Public toilets, stall 3 • Sunday, June 20th • Vol IIIIIII, special edition

SPECIAL REPORT: PICKPOCKETING SWIMMING-MAMMAL PLUMBERS

WHALES.

One particularly bloated, nay, CORPULENT whale has been making the rounds lately pickpocketing innocent mobsters left right and centre. The income from my twice-daily paydays can barely keep up with the amount of money pilfered by this blackguard. As a result my donations to SimonTheSwanHunter stagnate and decrease, inversely raising my chance of getting put under the ground exponentially each day. All it would take is for Simon to lift his finger and UglyInbredGeorge would dash my skull against the wall with his brutish strength and cricket-bat-esque chin. I live in fear.

One would think that a grotesque, rank, and revolting beached nautical-mammal like beluga - metaphorically since we're all real human beans and not whales or vampires - would be immediately identifiable every time he reached for my pocket-rocket. Unfortunately however his levels of detestable sneakery are unmatched and I can never make out it's him AGAIN until a colleague informs me after the fact. This also means I can never give him the customary and Detroit-mandatory beating. This makes me sad. Upset even.

Unable to mug due to stealth-cowardice my only other recourse is to simply steal my payday-money back by means of a good ole pickpocketing.

But this is where the trouble starts:

What are you stupid? You don't dare roll someone whose reputation exceeds yours that much!

PROBLEMS, SOLUTIONS and PLUMBERS

beluga has somehow convinced society he's a big deal. So big of a deal that I am apparently unable to slip my hands in his homo-erotic slightly-too-tight jeans to take back what's mine. This is a problem, one we (or more accurately, I) need a solution for.

I was once told "the mobmail is mightier than the gun", and I'm a warrior of paper more than one of gunpowder, so I wrote a most polite and gentlemanly letter (perfumed and complete with wax seal) to Dixxon to see if we could work out a deal for lowering beluga's "reputation" so him and I would be equals once more.

To: Dixxon
From: WaffleStompingChamp
Sent: Jul 18, '25 22:06

Hello can you demote beluga so I can PP him thanks

To: WaffleStompingChamp
From: Dixxon
Sent: Jul 19, '25 04:10

Sorry I can’t

To: Dixxon
From: WaffleStompingChamp
Sent: Jul 19, '25 08:51

Please

To: WaffleStompingChamp
From: Dixxon
Sent: Jul 19, '25 11:00

The Plumbers have instructed me not to touch beluga. I really can't.

Is this shocking? Some would say "yes". Others more in tune with the way things really work in this thing of ours would say "no". Mentally deficient goblins like UglyInbredGeorge would say "I don't know". Simon said "Get the fuck out of my office".

WHAT TO MAKE OF THIS?

Much to my own surprise and perhaps disgust I find myself in the mentally deficient goblin camp of "I don't know".

All I can say is keep your eyes open, you never know who might be an agent of The Plumbers, or who might simply be a pawn taking orders from them. Do not get yourself dragged into their spiderweb of plots and deceit, before you know it you might find yourself orally plumbing a bathroom floor.

This concludes this Issue of 𝕥𝕙𝕖 ℍ𝔸ℝ𝕆𝕃𝔻 !! Please Leave me Money and Tips (information)!!

He was going to leave some money for the poor beggar who was scribbling down their thoughts, when he realized something terrible:

You don't have that much cash to give.

Who gives $20,000 as a tip, anyway? The Harold would be lucky to receive a dollar. Which they would, in the mail. A single dollar, and that was Francois being nice. 

Thank you for articulating how strong and powerful I am on occasion WaffleStompingChamp. I'll be honest. I've felt bad, taking in excess of $105,000 per day on average from Detroit crime members. I understand exactly how SimonTheSwanHunter is so my theft is literally causing many (most likely you and MongolMo, and perhaps Payday George) to be put on the chopping block. I'd apologize, but you all knew better anyways, joining your dork of a crew leader.

Going behind my back to my crew leader? That is a true new low for Detroit and the Swan Hunters, but not surprising in the least. I've been an agent the entire time for the plumbers secretly and yet my identity has been compromised. I thought you, WaffleStompingChamp, would understand Dixxon's words more clearly and know that I was a secret out in the open and now everyone will know because of you. Does it feel good? I bet it does. You know what else feels good? Hourly $15,000 from unsuspecting Detroit who may or may not be carrying more money than they need.

While I am a fake whale, I'm a large man. Six foot eight and 450 pounds, I wouldn't expect someone as short as SimonTheSwanHunter and as skinny as twigs to be able to even reach my pockets, let alone steal money from me.

This week I even hit your double? Triple? Perhaps even quadruple agent since no one seems to know who or what entity hes working for. Perhaps he's also a plumber? Perhaps hes kuku? The world may never know. 

Jul 19, 18:32:26     You PICKPOCKETED! EIkmilk. You took $15,000.

The money is sweet, but not as sweet as big Simon trying to find my pockets but accidentally going elsewhere. Who knows. Perhaps Simon wasn't all that interested in my pockets? Perhaps he was? Detroit in an entity are truly an enigma.

Jul 17, 18:54:56     You caught up with SimonTheSwanHunter, beat them within an inch of their life, and took $74,000
    Jul 17, 18:54:50     SimonTheSwanHunter tried to PICKPOCKET you.

Six seconds. That's all it took WaffleStompingChamp. I've been told 6 seconds is all one needs and it's all I have. No seriously I have nothing else going for me in life, please let me steal your money.

I am the only true plumber in this world of ours and I work for cash and only carry cash. I also delve into a little gas work now and again so I can drown and also send you to the ground with a little gas leak. 

Do NOT hurt my lil beluga whale, it could be disastrous