The truck’s parked lopsided outside an alley off Pulaski, trailer stamped with “Windy City Pickles: We Put the Dill in Dealing.” Real subtle. Used to belong to Spike, the late, great Godfather of Chicago, rest his morally ambiguous soul.

Me and Hush crack the lock, half-expecting a bunch of dead wise guys. Instead? Crates. Stacked. Packed with little blue pills, all unmarked but it definitely ain’t no gherkins.

Now, we’re not pharmacists. We see pills, we try 'em. Hush says it might be amphetamines. I think maybe they’re for nerves. Couple minutes in and we’re both standing in the alley looking like we’ve shoplifted salamis to compliment the would-be pickles.

That’s when TonyTheTailor minces round the corner carrying a suit bag, clutches his neck scarf, gives us a once over and mutters, “My god, Chicago’s gone from bootlegging to trouser tenting.” he smiles and slowly licks his lips and proceeds to walk away as flamboyantly as only the most in demand tailor could. I turn to Hush and say that guy gives me the willies, Hush just looks down and just shakes his head.

We’re beginning to sweat bullets and Hush has turned a deep shade of red, walking awkward like we’ve both just failed a felony we head back to the Marauder’s HQ fast. There’s a man there that’ll know exactly what to do.

Father_OMalley.

If anyone can ID contraband and give it a name, it’s him. Let’s face it he’s been looking for something to put the pep back in his step since that thing happened we’re not allowed to talk about in the crew chat.

We keep our coats pulled tight, avoid eye contact, and pray we don’t see anyone else.

Hush follows closely behind JimCasy, his coat pulled tight to hide the mistakes of a broken youth. You’d think he’d learn not to take random pills he found after that one incident in college, but it seems that wasn’t the case. It was an uncomfortable walk, trotting with a crotch tent like he was going camping for the month. They had a plan though. They were on their way to see the wizened old man Father_OMalley. Age always equaled wisdom right? Such was the hope. 
 

The Reached the Marauder’s HQ. Hush looked up to the sky and prayed to a a god he didn’t believe in that TomJoad was out on business. It was gonna be difficult enough to explain without having to do it to the boss. They wandered the halls in search of the old man. Once they found him, without a word, Hush opened his coat exposing the stiff situation he was in. 
 

O’Malley, WHAT THE FUCK HAS HAPPENED TO ME?!

Tom is working at his desk upstairs of the Marauder's HQ when he hears a ruckus going on outside. He lets out a sigh and stands up, walks over to the window and sees in the street below a couple of his top guys wearing what appear to be clown pants and hopping around like they've been riding horses all day...

Tom closes the window curtain, shakes his head, and goes to sit back down...

"Nope."

OMalley was enjoying the weather this afternoon. It was warm with out being hot, and nice breeze snaked its way down the street without being the unforgiving wind Chicago was so famous for. He’d been at the church most of the day, signing off on some renovations and helping guide his flock in the confessional booth. He thought he’d take a nice walk and go visit the boss at his office at the warehouse. 

He truly wasnt prepared for what was waiting for him.

OMalley, what the fuck has happened to me?! Hush hollered as soon as he’d spotted the old man rounding the corner. OMalleys eyes widened with surprise. Hush and JimCasy stood before him looking confused and embarrassed. Jim was shyly trying to use his trench coat to conceal a hard on that would make a bison jealous while Hush was a little more conspicuous with his jacket wide open and his erection saluting some statue on the other end of town, a look of bewilderment mixed with pure pride pasted across his face.

You fools! Did you get into TomJoad boner pill stash? The boss brought two things back from Germany with him after the war… The Harley he rode chasing down the Nazis, and the little blue pills he got from those German scientists… Phazers of Pfausets or some such thing. Anyways, he’s going to be furious when he finds out you two robbed his truck! Not much you can do in the meantime really… maybe go find a quiet room and a nice girl. Or boy. Or sheep. Jar of mayonnaise? Whatever suits your fancy, Im not here to judge. Good luck fellas!

With that OMalley left the lads to their ummm… Own devices, and carried on his way.

Thankfully making it back to the HQ came without further interruption, the only awkward part was he’d caught Hush glancing at his crotch a couple times, he’d talk to him about that later, maybe set him up with a date with Tony, he did mention something about his inner seam when he had his suit made. Who was I to judge.

I stood slack jawed as I watched OMalley gesticulating wildly, he’d met Hush’s cry with his own but went straight into ranting, luckily I’d failed to mention I couldn’t hear anything, you see at this point I was pretty sure there was no blood left in my upper torso, my ears had been ringing for a good twenty minutes and when I’d look down I was met with a ridiculous view, a man could club a swan to death with this thing I was sporting.

Looking back at OMalley he hadn’t stopped, he’d just said something about Tom riding a nazi and finding it gnarly? What? I knew he’d done some crazy shit in the war but what the hell had we taken. I looked up to see OMalley moving off still shaking his head, I turned to Hush who was still awkwardly standing next to me.

"Do you want some mayo", he asked. What? No. This is no time for sandwiches.

"What the hell was he saying, we’ve taken some kind of faucet pill? Does that mean we can turn it off?"

There was one other thing I’d failed to mention, earlier that morning I’d been having a polite exchange with UglyInbredGeorge who’d handed me 20 grams of mushrooms which I’d taken without further question, I’d need to start thinking before I took this stuff but there was no time for that.

I turned, my crotch knocking over TomJoad’s ficus plant, shit, he’d been really into his botany lately. I put my hand in my pocket and pulled out the rest of the pills I’d brought back, for research, and threw them into the HQ, I think maybe it was time to get a drink down at the Velvet Paw and wait for this to blow over.