From the Desk of Monarch

Board of Audit, Legislation and Legal Sanctions (B.A.L.L.S.)

Est. just now, but highly credible.

Esteemed Gentlemen, Degenerates, and many of the Self-Appointed Compliance Officers,

For many days now, it has come to the attention of the Board for Audit, Legislation and Legal Sanctions that quite a few unauthorized compliance-related activities are being thrown around like nothing.

Let it be known that as of today, we have formally launched a multi-layered investigation over unauthorized audit activity being carried out by Mr. TonyTheTailor. 

Despite lacking:

• A proposal for the audit;
• The audit authorization decision;
• An official engagement letter;
• Any trace of ethics, standards or any self-control

Mr. Tailor continues to conduct "audits" upon the innocent citizens of Detroit while claiming to be compliant with the International Pocket Compliance Federation (IPCF), an entity whose existence is currently under review by our Bureau of fictional Regulatory Entities.

As of now, many violations like rogue audit activity, unauthorized probing, and baseless generated invoices have been identified. Others are expected to follow as the investigation continues.

These rogue operations have been flagged for peer review and potential escalations should any additional findings occur.

Until further notice, all audits lacking the proper B.A.L.L.S. accreditation will be considered null and void under Article 420. C.

We will soon come before you with the new audit standards, so that all this chaos can be turned into regulated chaos.

Signed,

Monarch

Executive Officer of B.A.L.L.S

Dear Mr.Tailor,

We here, at B.A.L.L.S., have had a chance to review your statement and, unfortunately, as of this moment, have yet to find a single item that would fall under proper legal defense under Article 420.C, which, besides your ludicrous claims, is not written in crayon. It is clearly chalk.

Please ensure your facts are in order before any further nonsense.

As per your "glowing track record", you are only digging your hole even deeper. So let's go through with it case by case.

Findings:

Finding 1

August 1st 08:43. Tetley audited for loose change. $3,602 collected

Claim: "His pockets were a fire hazard".

Despite Tetley's pockets being a fire hazard, the $3,602 collected was done without written consent, which is a clear violation. 

Finding 2

August 1st 06:31, 10:48, 14:18. SlimRagnarok mugged three times

Claim: "Total earnings $0. Doing it for cardio".

Same as the case above, however, due to the terrible performance, we have decided to implement this on our methodology on "What not to do when mugging".

Finding 3

August 1st 16:00 – Eala audited, corrected and lightened by $39,624

Claim: "Compliance paid in full. Possibly enjoyed it".

The "possibly enjoyed it" phrase has been passed to our HR department for further review.

As per your "certifications" the IPCF, as stated earlier, is still currently under review for fraud, blackmail, and weak satirical authority. As well as your F.A.R.T. credentials, have not yet been recognized by B.A.L.L.S.

You are hereby called to a mandatory Audit and Compliance Hearing behind the Cork Town Bingo Hall.

Please make sure to bring with you:

• Wallet with at least $ 80,000,000 in it. (No amount of this money will be used for any writing competitions that may or may not include death)
• A pen
• Formal apology letter (minimum of 690 words)

Failure to appear will only make things more difficult, and we might even have to schedule more meetings and even decide on another escalation, which you very much do not want, sir.

Signed,

Monarch

Executive Officer of B.A.L.L.S

I have had to suffer yet another unwanted bodyguard audit by George. I am getting absolutely sick and tired of this but no matter how many times we demote UglyInbredGeorge the abuse just continues.

I've asked him to stop, I've pleaded with him, I've insulted him (by calling him both inbred and ugly), and I've even threatened him. None of it works. I'm at a loss, I am angry, I don't know what to do anymore.

Look at this dribble-covered letter I found in my mailbox this morning:

Dear WaffleStompingChamp (WSC for short),

Early this afternoon, an unannounced audit was conducted on your bodyguard workforce. As Auditor-in-Chief for the greater Detroit area, we conduct these audits in order to test our war-readiness and preparedness. Our findings today, however, clearly indicate a lack of any such.

Audit findings:

 

Aug 02, 13:17:03

You shot at WaffleStompingChamp's bodyguards. You killed six bodyguards.

Grading:
Readiness - 0/10
Preparedness - 0/10
Recommended Wartime Role - target practice
 
Our recommendation is that you take a long, hot shower, think about your life, exit the shower glumly, wipe a single stroke of steam off the mirror, and take an extended look at the husk of a man before you. Ask him, 'Is this where I thought I'd be in life?'. You'll notice he's asking you the same. That's because it's you, WSC. That's how mirrors work.

cc: my manager twigs, who will forward you the invoice for my services.

Yours dutifully,
Payday George

I too have become a victim of an Ugly Inbred Auditor, on the positives I had not fell for G-Dog's "high coke prices in chicago" ruse to attempt to audit me, I have also received a far superior audit result than the (soon to be authed) mass mailing mad man WaffleStompingChamp. On the negative side I received the below rantings of a lunatic in my mailbox & am now 1 bodyguard short.

Subject: Audit Report

Hello Eala,

The morning of Aug 4th, the Department of BG & HQ Auditing conducted a BG audit on your protection workforce via Payday George (AKA G-Dog), Chief of the DBGHQA for the Greater Detroit Area. Your report reads as follows:

Item 1: Aug 04, 07:48:19    You shot at Eala's bodyguards. You killed a single bodyguard.

Sturdiness - 8/10. Very solid group of beefy grunts.

Studliness - 9/10. Chiseled jaw-lines, chiseled abs.

Treatment of PDG (Payday George) - 10/10. Even after murdering one of their cohort, the fellas took pity on me and began to group brainstorm workout ideas that would help me become viewable, if not outright desirable, despite my fragile physical disposition and obvious inherent flaws.

Overall Grade: 9/10 - Extremely Combat-Ready.

Good work, Eala. You are a testament to swan hunters, unlike that dried tomato WaffleStompingChamp, who is going to need to dip into the emergency fund for all the bodyguard funerals he's paying for. 

We need someone to give G-Dog a very public, very fatal  swirlie in the 12th Street Public bathrooms to try and calm this auditing down. He is becoming a menace. If I wasn't so busy hunting swans I would beat the brakes off this foot long chinned nerd.