As some of you are aware, late yesterday afternoon SimonTheSwanHunter presumed to have the authority to "suspend" my auditors license pending further review, following an "incident" in which I conducted my professional work with the usual excellence and joie de vivre. 

What he failed to realize is that he does not have the authority to do such a thing - I answer to no one and bow to no man. My work is ordered by divine mandate, if there is or were such a thing, and it does not stop at the whims of a boiled potato on legs. 

Consider this metaphor, Simon: You are a little German boy. Your belly is full of chocolate. You pat your belly and sing little German boy songs as you waddle up and down the street in your knee high socks. What's that noise? Who's that around the corner? It's an American soldier. He is liberating your town. Good luck, Simon. No more chocolate for you.

As such, I must continue with my agenda, and as a matter of coincidence it appears Simon is first on the list. I will conduct this audit with full transparency, so that you all may see the level of professionalism, expertise and thought that goes into one of the most important jobs in the Mafia. 

A Mr. Drieza, RH of FutureScare in Queens (HQ audited July 31) alerted my office to irregularities in Simon's personal protection workforce following an organized crime turned act of diplomatic aggression with the Simon gang.

To: Drieza
From: SimonTheSwanHunter
Sent: Aug 04, '25 20:50
Subject:

I have an OC and I'm not inviting you to it even though you're open.

Just thought you should know.

His goading of Mr. Drieza, who as a New Yorker was likely starving or poxed or fresh off a paddling as they all are over there, was a dangerous move. One that very, very likely would have led to war. In fact, I'm certain of it. If Drieza were here to speak for himself, I'm sure he'd say something like, "I never liked that idiot Simon, he's got beady little eyes, stubby little legs, and meaty little fingers, and I'd wack him if I had half the chance". This had to be avoided. 

So, in the interest of world peace - of which I am grievously concerned - it is important to dispel the notion that Simon may have used this money to bolster the gaggle of brutes he keeps around. It may be the most pressing matter of financial transparency of all time and, by performing my duties, I would be saving hundreds if not thousands of lives.

Audit findings:

Aug 05, 15:13:40    You shot at SimonTheSwanHunter's bodyguards. You killed a single bodyguard.

Having completed my task, I am proud and confident to report my findings: no money was used from Simon's OC and invested into his workforce, as these are very much the same group of men I shot at the last time I checked in, nearly to a man (the one(s) I killed not withstanding).

And so having confirmed that, I now wait eagerly to receive whatever rewards, awards and prizes you all choose to gift Payday George for once again saving the world and preserving the peace. 

Thank you.

I just double-checked - findings remain the same. Definitely the same guys who watched me murder their colleagues the last couple times. Everything I do, I do in the name of peace and prosperity.

Aug 05, 16:37:10    You shot at SimonTheSwanHunter's bodyguards. You killed a single bodyguard.

I am not a man of rash decisions, that much can be said. But frankly, there comes a point when you have to put your foot down against SimonTheSwineHunter. I was in New York, minding my own business, and casually smoking some marijuana cigarettes in the park when a man pulled up on me in car, then handed me a letter. Confused, I open said letter, where it stated: 

To: Drieza
From: SimonTheSwanHunter
Sent: Aug 04, '25 20:50
Subject:

I have an OC and I'm not inviting you to it even though you're open.

Just thought you should know.

 

And I thought to myself... well then, fuck THAT guy. 

Then I thought more on it, and I started to wonder... what exactly was SimonTheSwanHunter using that organized crime money for? 

I could've used some of that money myself. Need to hire a professional to look into this matter and examine where that money went. So, of course I contacted Payday George himself.

To: UglyInbredGeorge
From: Drieza
Sent: Aug 05, '25 00:23
Subject:

Hello, Payday George.

I would like to file a complaint and recommend an audit be done on one of your less respectful members of Detroit City. This man right here has disrespected me and caused me financial harm. Also now allowing me to perform my duties as a respected RHM of Queens, New York.

Let me show you my proof of evidence for this audit. 

I would like a BG audit for the price and flat rate of 555k, please. He wasted my time, my money, and a little bit of my pride - truth be told. I am one to believe he bought BGs with that organized he performed without me, and I think his defenses should be checked and reported to the auditors office. I am open to negotiations with said auditor in charge of this investigation. 

Thank you for your time,
~Drieza

I can happily say that Payday George fulfilled his duties as the best auditor this side of the Mid-West. Paid a flat fee and got the results I was looking for. And not only did he perform the audit once, but TWICE. Not only did he listen to my complaint, he acknowledged it and respected it. Payday George basically came up with the solution to WORLD PEACE, for god's sake. I feel as a satisfied customer that I should give George the honest review that he deserves. Much like Simon got the karma that he deserved. 

Professionalism: 10 /10 - Payday George replied to me whenever he had the time and responded to me with the due diligence that only Jesus Christ himself could pull off. He accepted the job, performed the job, got paid for the job. What's more professional than that?

Customer Service: 10/10 - Perfection. Call was answered ASAP and performed in a timely manner. He followed up with making sure I had no questions about the audit I was paying for. And he was willing to talk to me while I cooked dinner for emotional support, but I declined. 

Performance: 10/10 - As for a BG audit to see if the organized crime money went towards said defenses, and although it isn't the answer I was looking for, I'm not the professional and the audit gave me proper information. 

Overall: 10/10 - What more can I say. Seriously?

Logic tells me, I owe SimonTheSwineHunter an apology, but after further investigation of seeing twigs as his RHM, I fucking refuse. I'm not sorry that I paid cold hard cash for this audit and I praise Payday George as the best Hit Squad Leader in the country and a man willing to perform his duties, no matter how sweaty it might get. The man is the definition of PERFORMANCE. 

Next time Simon comes into New York he will now think twice before he doesn't invite me to an organized crime when I'm touching grass in the park. For every organized crime I'm not invited to by the city of Detroit for relaxing in our beautiful city, might be subjective to an audit to see where those funds are being appointed. Because we only hire the best and a true professional. Payday Fucking George. 

If this audit had gone the other way, who knows what might've happened. How many people might've died. How many organized crimes would've been stalled because of Simon's actions and emotional distress. Payday George literally stopped what might've been the bloodiest war we have ever seen. And for what?

FOR WHAT?

Instead, there is peace. And that's what this audit got me. It let the district of Queens, New York, make a rational and logical decision based off the analysis that we had from the country's best Hit Squad Leader. If you're wondering if you should invest in an audit on disputes... well, the simple answer is that you should. Why let things get out of hand when a master of the arts can handle the situation for you, then give you the results to his findings in an orderly fashion. 

I'm owed a public apology from Simon, or else I'm demoting EIkmilk to relieve some stress. 

And I would also like to point out to the world that I'm not the only satisfied customer. There is more out there that appreciate his service. When TomJoad came to New York (after seeing Payday George's audit occur, I'm sure)... TomJoad invited me to an organized crime. Where I accepted, succeeded, and thanked the man for his time. After thanking him, we had a discussion where he had this to say about Payday George's service: 

To: Drieza
From: TomJoad
Sent: Aug 06, '25 02:16

I noticed. I have also taken dear George under my wing for marksmanship training so that he may be a more effective auditor.

George will only get better, friends and that's amazing news for this country. 

And if you come into New York and I find out you don't invite me to an organized crime, I will hire the best man I know for the job.