TonyTheTailor sat back in his creaking office chair, a half-burnt cigar wedged between his lips and a clipboard in hand.
“Right Hands” he muttered, flipping the page. “All these names... and only one of ‘em knows what the fuck they’re doing.”

The audit was complete. 

We here at Iconoclastic Inc. have compiled a full audit of today’s Right Hands. Below are the findings, listed in particular order except. Remember, this isn’t personal unless it is. Before we start with the results, this ain’t a debate. This ain’t a maybe. This ain’t up for polite little discussions over cannoli. Natasha is the benchmark and officially The Strongest RH in The World. The blueprint. The mother of cold-blooded operations. The goddamn Soviet sledgehammer dressed as a woman.

So now we move on to the completely objective and unbiased results, graded by a completely independent panel out of Queens, NY. 

1. Natasha, et al' THE STRONGEST RH IN THE WORLD

Adams apple like a brick. Born from Soviet steel and ice-cold blood, Natasha is the apex predator of Right Hands. Her sisters, Svetlana and Katerina were walking war crimes, and Natasha? She’s the sequel no one survives.

2. Drieza

Would be #1 if Natasha didn’t exist. Loyal, dependable, usually deadly… unless Spike messages him.
Then he folds like a paper crane in the rain, whispering “maybe it was real love” while sharpening bullets with tears.

3. Sensori

Moves in silence. Possibly doesn’t even exist. Might be an accountant. Might be a ninja. Nobody knows. But they’re still better than 90% of you.

4. Malpais

An enigma. Could be a mastermind or asleep under a bridge. Either way, they've avoided public embarrassment which puts them above half the field.

5. Philthy-Rich

Used to be feared. Now mostly just philthy. Probably owns several imaginary yachts. Occasionally mumbles something about respect, then farts

6. sinslikeskeletons

 Can't handle sugar and makes tea that could start wars. Would do better if this were a haunted house sim. Aside from that, lovely person.

7. Indifference

Too indifferent. Misspelled his own name and nobody cared, including him. Could lead a revolution. Just doesn’t feel like it.

8. TheNewGuy

We assume he’s still new. We don’t know what he looks like. No one’s ever spoken to him. He’s either deep undercover or got RH by winning a raffle.

9. Geralt

Was once feared. Then someone said “Gerland” and that was it. 

10. BadxWolf

Shadowy Dragons betrayed him. Durdens chewed him. Still comes back like a cursed boomerang. Somehow still on the payroll.

11. CartoonHead

Visual assault on the senses. Should wear a balaclava for the safety of others. No known skills except being… there. Occasionally. Offered Elodia a job.

12. Father_OMalley

HQ crumbled faster than a stale biscuit. RH was so inactive people thought it was a ghost. 

13. Quotas

If disappointment were a currency, he’d still be broke. Francois responsible for this ranking (I had no choice)

14. twigs

Would’ve been higher if he wasn’t so... twiggy. Reputation in tatters. Official Ruling: Fuck twigs.

15. BigRagaTheOppStoppa

Dead last. Opps? Not stopped. Should still be in the Orphanage eating paint. Appointed RH as an elaborate prank, possibly on himself. Currently locked in a basement writing diss tracks no one listens to.

Tony closed the file, the paper edges singed from the heat of judgement. He stood up, stretched, then shouted to no one in particular, “Right Hands, you’ve been ranked". He grabbed his jacket, adjusted his cuffs, and strolled toward the alley exit, muttering the final words.

"Iconoclastic… We Fantastic."

Every time I think of Right Hand Men I just think of the time Drieza rocked up to the streets, made grandiose statements about shooting swans, and was THIRTY YEARS behind the curve. Or that time he forgot his own crew leaders name. There's probably others but as a New York resident, I have personally not recovered from the embarrassment that caused us. 

I think both need to factor into this ranking or some form of official inquiry.   

Can I petition for replacing Father_OMalley in this list with big-jason? We all know who really pulls the strings in Chicago. It definitely isn't OMalley and it CERTAINLY isn't TomJoad.

Would also like to request twigs being placed lower on the list. The bottom preferably.

I’ll have you know TonyTheTailor that I’m neither undercover nor by any means won any form of lottery or raffle. I won’t go into specific details about how I ended up in this position, but I may possibly admit that there were straws involved, and that I found myself with a short one.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll go back to what I do best - avoid speaking to anyone.

Spare a thought for poor Alysia. How can you include that waste of space twigs and forget someone as memorable as Alessia. I mean my God, twigs is a bastard who everyone hates, but Aleshia is a God damn saint.

Fuck twigs

I think at this point we should cool down on the twigs hate, right? He's not that bad, right?

I'm only going to say this once but I think he's actually pretty cool. Can I go home now? Please point that gun away from me. I said what you told me to say, please. I've got kids, man. 

I'd put him to #3 at least. But that's just my opinion. 

Cough...cough. BigEasy clears his throat. 

Counting is hard. Missing two right hands though? If you are going to make fun of everyone at least do it right.

Apologies regarding my right hand TheNewGuy.

What he actually meant to say is that he is absolutely thrilled to be here, appreciates every minute and if given the chance again, he would still be right here.

Thank you.

Damn man, you're missing BigEasy and Alysia.

BigEasy is an amazing RH in our Philly family, a stand-up guy that deserves the recognition.

Alysia, my RH woman...incredible. She can whip up potions in a heartbeat and for just about any purpose. Definitely a lot of experience and would trust her with my life.

I leave it up to you brother on publishing those two fine RHs.

Shane tips his hat to TonyTheTailor.

This is a fantastic review of all most of the right hands here.  

How do I feel about it? Meh.  

The only thing I want to know is how you think I spelt my name wrong.

My comrade leader is right; I am the benchmark for Right Hands.

This is the truth, the cold hard truth just like my... gaze. I see no bias whatsoever. And TonyTheTailor as your Right Hand, its my duty to ensure you see the facts and the fact is, I am the strongest. Anyone else that has any input to this discussion can kick sand.

BigEasy, my comrade leader did not count incorrectly. He did it just fine.

Thank you comrades.

I was afraid to come out here until everyone was gone.. you know, my farts and and I'm afraid you might be right, who could fear someone who farts? Not like my gas couldn't kill a newborn infant or anything.

If anything, you are missing the fact I come from a very long line of Pistachios. 

This list needs an update since I have been usurped by an inferior hand.

The ranking should reflect this IMMEDIATELY.

Man I thought if I left this long enough someone would come to my defense… I guess it’s getting harder and harder to buy good friends these days. Anyone have any tips on what im doing wrong here? Am I using the wrong kinda money?

Anyways, more importantly… my HQ did not in fact crumble. I left it because TomJoad said he wasnt ready to give me up yet. He said he’d miss my foot rubs too much.

And my LH @Rae was super active! More active than most in fact! She was kinda just low-key active and the gods missed it. Shut up, I know way more than you about Gods obviously, Ive got this fancy white collar!

Long story short, I should be 1st, not like 20th or whatever shit ranking you heathens gave me. Boo.

Father_OMalley, I believe it's time you leak all of TonyTheTailor's confessions. 

Hmm, something smells up to high hell in here. First the association's inconsistency of names that is so concerning, Society of Holding Alternating Titles (S.H.A.R.T). Clearly amendments can be made to the "certified and no-debates" list, so how can we trust the credibility of the SHART? How do we know we can trust it after it lied to us about being a FART when it ended up becoming the unscrupulous SHART? Those are always the sneaky bastards you've gotta watch out for. Perhaps WaffleStompingChamp, one of our most thorough and credible investigative reporters needs to get his press badge out and start investigating to see what is happening on this porcelain throne you call an audit. I would happily pay him to investigate the SHART and expose the skid marks, leaving it wanting to want to flush the nearby toilet just to see the water go round-and-round in a swirly.