Thanks for picking up my guide, I hope it helps bring awareness to some of our citys' hidden gems.  Make sure you read to the end, as this guide includes some great vouchers.  In this publication, I find myself in New York searching for some businesses that have storied history behind them. I not only want to explore these great places our business districts have to offer, i want to explore it's lore.

So enjoy your read and don't forget to take advantage of the limited vouchers the next time you find yourself visiting The City of Brotherly Love New York!

Let's go explore.  This issue's featured New York business:

The New York Marble Cemetery

(located here)

Founder: DickGrayson (deceased)

Atmosphere and Lore

What immediately sets this cemetery apart from other more haunting graveyards is that instead of burial plots marked by tombstones, the departed rests in marble underground vault-like rooms where mourners can pay their respects in peace, or speak to their loved ones in private without being distracted by others, or even distracting others.  The groundskeeping is immaculate.  But that's not the only thing that sets this cemetery apart from the rest.

This cemetery also houses a giant waterslide park, also carved from the finest marble in the world, for those looking for a more light-hearted experience.  City records indicate that the waterslides were constructed as part of a Beautification project that failed due to incompetent union involvement.  The brilliance of building waterslides inside a cemetery is unparalleled, as patrons had the option to choose their own experiences during their visit. 

And the best part?  One could frolic all day long in the waterslides, splashing and having fun, and wouldn't bother the mourners as they were in isolated underground fixtures soundproofed by heavy marble.  Similarly, the mourners would not disrupt the water parkgoers with their wailing, also due to the marble soundproofing.

Notable Events

An ill-fated Halloween Costume party that despite providing live music, punch, and a hefty prize for best costume, did little to bring in customers, with the prize being awarded to the de facto NY mob boos FrenchieHorn, who won by default after no one else showed up. 

Overheard in the NY Marble Cemetery

“I hope I’ve made you proud mom and dad. I miss you terribly.” ~ DickGrayson (deceased), at the gravesite of his mother and father

"“I can’t drive past the places we used to go anymore. I keep hoping to see you standing out front, waiting for me.” ~ DickGrayson (deceased), at the gravesite of his wife, Elle

“Rest easy now Ally, you’ve earned it.” ~ DickGrayson (deceased) to some other woman named Ally

It shoulld be noted that while nothing was overheard, DickGrayson buried his own kids Emma and Jason Ott (the kids took their mother's maiden name instead) here at the Marble Cemetery as well, laid to rest in plots aside DickGrayson's mother and father.  Real grim shit.  I mean Jesus Christ everyone in this guy's family dropped dead.  It was no wonder that he was always so morose and gloomy all the time.  But it also serves to add to the Cemetery's lore, and that is what makes the place so intriguing to those who study historical landmarks.

Rating: Three and a half stars

While the cemetery is unique in both its beauty and the fact that it has waterslides, union meddling, work stoppages, and violent union strikes did little in moving the New York Beautification Project forward.  It could be argued that it was ultimately what led to the project being yanked all together.  But it is a wonderful place and I urge you all to take a look at the below vouchers before they run out

LIMITED TIME ONLY!!! CLAIM YOUR CREDITSHARE FOR VISITING THE NY MARBLE CEMETERY WATERSLIDE!

The first five people who visit the waterpark will receive 1 share of creditstock for having fun at the water park!  Once attendance is verified, you may redeem your creditstock voucher and it will be transferred to your portfolio.  Summer is almost over, claim yours now!  Only 5 left!

If you are a business owner in the New York Business District and would like your establishment visited and rated, or if you have a tip of a New York hotspot worth checking out for future editions, please feel free to message me. Donations/bribes welcomed.  Encouraged even.  Maybe even heavily suggested

Man, do I feel silly. After my last review of The New York Marble Cemetery, it was brought to my attention that I botched the cemetery’s lore segment regarding the Halloween Costume Contest and left out a major incident that set the water park’s progress back indefinitely due to another labor strike. The strike was called by the union after contest winner RevolverOcelot (who was not a participant in the contest) declined and returned the million dollar cash prize. This caused union disarray and conflict at the cemetery. While none of this makes any sense, it still should have been included in the original publication. Therefore I feel my debut review was a flop, and am redeeming myself with my second edition. Basically the exact opposite of the JimCasy 20 Questions Series. Please enjoy as my tour of the New York Business District continues.

The Goddess Ravioli

(located here)

Founder: Gillian (deceased)

Atmosphere and Lore

What an eatery. Rested along the water is this gem of a restaurant that specializes in ravioli, considered by many to be the Lunch of Champions. Whether it be lamb ravioli or their specialty meal lobster ravioli, this place is known for two things; ravioli and its heavily frequented bathroom. It is also one of the few lobster ravioli joints in the city that requires bouncers

Aspiring newspaper editor turned ravioli shack proprietor Gillian opened its doors to The Goddess Ravioli at the peak of her tabloid popularity. Having come in last place during the Great Newspaper Wars, Gillian decided she would step back from her weekly newspaper duties and focus on her passion for lobster ravioli. Often referred to as a “learner” by her peers, it wasn’t long before people were lined up around the block hoping for a seat at The Goddess Ravioli’s rest room. Legend speaks of The Curse of the Goddess Ravioli, chronicled in the epic tale Letters To Gillian about a fisherman gone mad at sea while en route to the shack to deliver lobsters. The story is now required reading at most schools, after Systematic Immolation of Thought was yanked from the libraries for being too controversial.

Notable Events

Nothing too out of the ordinary for a lobster ravioli shanty, aside from her security detail physically removing patrons for asking menu related questions, a strict policy that was enforced at the Goddess Ravioli

Overheard at The Goddess Ravioli

Hello.  May I use your rest room?

Oh God lady please let me use your rest room I gotta take a shit real bad

Hello. What the hell is lamb ravioli?

You literally emptied me out!

Speaking of emptying out, where’s the toilet? My stomach is stuffed!

Rating: 4 stars

While most establishments in New York have a strict “Customers Only” policy regarding their rest rooms, The Goddess Ravioli seemed to be open to all tourists. This makes the Goddess Ravioli unique, thus the favorable rating.

To everyone that was good enough to read my review to the end, I have two word for all of you. These words are absent from SimonTheSwanHunter’s vocabulary when it comes to crew donations if that gives you a hint what they are, but rather than keeping you guessing, those words are Thank You.

If you are a business owner and would like your establishment visited and rated, or if you have a tip of a New York hotspot worth checking out for future editions, please feel free to message me. Donations/bribes welcomed.  Encouraged even.  Maybe even heavily suggested

SimonTheSwanHunter sets down the guide. He hadn't heard such glowing praise for a Business District since Cadhla threw a party to celebrate having two patrons in a month visit Philly; a two year peak. BillyNoMates sure knew how to sell a place and this Goddess Ravioli sounded right up his street. What a novel concept, a lobster ravioli luncheon. 

"Still nothing, Boss," said Mr Lordian, Simon's money man, interrupting his musing on the oddities of New York dining. 

Simon frowned. He had been expecting a deposit from one of his errant earners but it was two whole days now with nothing from this guy. Was Simon running a charity and he had forgotten to inform himself? Ha ha ha ha. That was a good one. Simon's Home for Wayward Friendless Earners. Yeah, right. He needed to make sure to say 'write this down, Ted' when he repeated that in the HQ bar later. It would go down a treat like all of his other jokes. Like the one about the magic tractor or the three legged donkey. 

"Disappointing, Lordian. Very disappointing." He said getting to his feet. He tucked the guide into his pocket like $15,000 from TomJoad's finest. "Do keep me posted - I want that fucking money. Oh," he added with a chuckle, "it turned into a field, by the way." 

Lordian's face crinkled up like he had spent an enforced unpleasant evening at the dice table. "What did?"   

"The magic tractor!!!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Simon finished with a flourish and left immediately.