Tony sat in the back of a tailor’s shop with no customers, surrounded by racks of suits two sizes too big and secrets no one wanted to talk about. He chewed the end of a pencil,  and rolled up his sleeves.

“Right Hands, I’ve already ranked” he said, muttering through a yawn. “Now we deal with the ones who should probably never have been handed anything.”

"Here we are again for the completely objective and unbiased Terrorist LH audit results, graded by a completely independent panel out of Queens, NY. In very particular order, the results are below."

1. Taupe

The current placeholder king of LHs. A temporary champion holding the belt until Whirl gets resurrected. Competitions, he's completed 'em mate.
You give Taupe a task and it’s done before you’ve finished asking. Ruthless with a clipboard. Warm with the lads. Cold with the enemies.

2. Minaxi

A pillar of the Streets. Has existed since Windows 95. Elegant, consistent, wise, but also has the energy of your nan getting annoyed at the self-checkout machine. Possibly the only LH with arthritis.

3. BuddyBigPaw

Big name. Bigger lineage. Stronger suspicions. I'm not saying BuddyBigPaw funds suspicious overseas causes, just that every time her roams the streets, the FBI updates a file. Probably carries a grenade in his coat “just in case.” Wouldn’t think twice about using it… on himself.

4. Hush

Recently married. Currently booking the divorce attorney. Name’s Hush but won’t shut up. Wakes up and chooses violence. Then talks about it. Repeatedly. Better than most. Louder than all.

5. Roley

If it weren’t for @BobtheBuilder, he’d be in the bottom 3. Name sounds like a mascot for a toddler’s lunchbox.
 

6. WaffleStompingChamp

Most audited person in Detroit. Possibly on some kind of watchlist. Rumour has it he murdered G-Dog. Name screams “unhinged.” Behaviour backs it up. Might be dangerous. Might just be disgusting.

7. MsRain

The Switzerland of LHs. Neutral in all things, suspiciously so. Rumours suggest she cheats at poker. No proof. But the rumours were started by… me.
 

8. Razzmatazz-Jazz

What's a Razzmatazz? Why Jazz? Why both? Nobody knows. Piss take of the highest order

9. Omniscient

Knows everything. Does very little.  Could’ve ranked higher if they actually did anything.

10. Grimes

You don’t want to get on the wrong side of this guy… but if you do, don’t panic... just send him a gift basket.

11. NoCap

You don’t talk to NoCap, you just wait until he logs off. Would rank lower but somehow still makes quota. Probably cheats.

12. JamesHowlett

Wolverine cosplay, going through a midlife crisis. Last seen RPing in a leather trench coat, whispering “I’m the best at what I do". You’re not, James. Sit down.

13. Cyclone-

A wind-based name with a hyphen? This ain’t a password field, mate. Name’s a disaster. Presence is a mystery. Still ranks above a few others because we pity him.

14. StripheRicci

Strong bloodline. Retired for half an hour.  Sells Quads above market value. Trusted until Day 27. 

15. Soul_Hooligan

How has he not run out of name variants yet? Recycles his name more than a can of Coke. Target practice for Russians. 
 

16. Zagreus

Untraceable bloodline. No known family. Doesn’t even know his dad. Could be anyone. Might be everyone. Exists in the shadows but not in a cool way. 

17. MrKrabs

Legs known to stop working. Drinks curdled milk. Smells like an expired prawn cocktail.
 

Tony slammed the folder shut and set fire to the corner out of respect. He stood, stretched, and gave a solemn nod to the empty room.

“Left Hands, you’ve been logged, and labelled".

He grabbed his coat, stepped into the alley, and lit a cigarette off the embers of disappointment.

"Iconoclastic… We Fantastic."

I know the real reason for my bronze medal is that you can’t stop thinking about that time you saw me in that swimming pool picture. Maybe if I’d stuffed a sock I could have made silver, the water was cold ok!

Glad to see I am finally getting the recognition that I deserve. Sure, I haven't graced my Godfather's ceremony yet, I have no street presence whatsoever, I spend my day trading insults with the right hand and some weird person with a fetish for milk, my input to the day to day operations is at a bare minimum, I left a telegram message for Drieza whining about being made a sponser, and my communication towards the rest of the New York heirachy is minimal at best. As a matter of fact, my only responsibility is making sure Drieza continues to take his medication so he doesn't have a relapse and think it's 1920 again.

Thank you making me the undisputed number 1 "can't quite make it to RH, let's just stick anyone here" left hand man.

This is absolute bullshit and you know it. My prestigious LHM, Hush, is second to no one. I suggest a duel between Topaz and Hush to determine the LEGITIMATE number one spot. Failure by Topaz to accept these terms is clear evidence of cowardice, which would immediately drop him to the #17 spot.

Well, Tony, I’d hate to interrupt your… illustrious career in delayed tailoring, but let’s set the record straight.

You say I ‘do very little’? My old man, Satan himself, once called me the laziest genius he ever spawned, that’s a compliment. See, when you know everything, you don’t need to break a sweat. I’ve made fortunes by lifting a single finger, usually to point someone else in the right direction. That’s called efficiency, not inactivity.

But speaking of inactivity, remember when my father wanted that retirement suit? The one he planned to wear for his last stroll down The Strip before hanging up the horns? The one you ‘forgot’ to finish because you were busy hemming pants for guys who couldn’t spell their own names? Yeah. Funny how you got the nerve to talk about rank when you couldn’t even stitch the Devil into his final send-off.

So here’s my rebuttal: I may do very little, Tony, but I do it flawlessly. You, on the other hand, do a lot of sewing, and somehow still manage to come up short.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a galaxy to look at and a family legacy to uphold… without fraying at the edges.

Tailors should measure twice, talk once.

All true..strong..retired for less than 30 mins and my quad prices are legit...ish

19 days to go.. best times of my life

I am more than a little offended (read: SEETHING) that I am fingered as being "unhinged". What have I ever done that's unhinged? Did I ever refuse to auth big-jason when he was handed to me on a silver platter? Did I ever shoot my right hand for a joke someone else made? Did I ever yell WIDER at anyone while ooking like a monkey and polishing my banister? The answer to all of these is NO.

SimonTheSwanHunter, please defend my maidenly honour.

I would also like to expand TomJoad's suggestion to just have a battle royale between all left hands to see which one's the best. If people are opposed to this we could also just have a Left Hand competitive writing competition or something. Either would do the trick I think.