It’s good to be home. After an exhaustive and successful tour of New York’s Business District, the time had come to continue my adventure elsewhere. I’ll see you again soon, New York. And for those that missed the NY series of MafiaZagat’s, at the time of this publication there are still five creditshare vouchers left to claim. Be sure to claim yours before they’re all gone!

Today’s featured business in Detroit’s bustling Business District:

Stetson’s Doors

(located here)

Founder and Current Owner: Steve_Stetson

Atmosphere and Lore

The shop has just recently opened in downtown Mug City, offering one-stop shopping for all your door and presumably door accessory (doorknobs, etc.) needs. The minimalist setup showcases a wide array of doors. The shop’s founder Steve_Stetson is a crewmate of mine, having filled the vacancy left behind by Detroit’s beloved UglyInbredGeorge who was ironically slain by the younger brother of Steve himself, alleged Philly crime boss Shane_Stetson.

The death of UglyInbredGeorge had rattled the city to its core.  Our crew lounge still speaks of him fondly, much like we all did while he was alive. I wish I could find the words to describe UglyInbredGeorge. Only two come to mind, handsome and regularly-bred. It’s hard to encapsulate what UglyInbredGeorge meant to Detroit. I think my fellow crewmate Bathsheba said it best. The exact quote escapes me, but it was something along the lines of how deeply she adored him, and how refreshing she found his unique style.

UglyInbredGeorge had pioneered auditing, which quickly became a phenomenon across the cities, encouraging engagement and spreading joy wherever he audited. But like all things, the fun wouldn’t last forever as he was later lured to Philadelphia and executed. This cemented Shane_Stetson’s legacy as The Lamest Leader in Philadelphia History, dethroning longtime record-holder Godfather Transistor.

Enter Steve_Stetson, Shane’s big brother. We’ve all treated him like shit since he’s joined. Barely able to fill George’s shoes with his tiny Stetson feet, Steve_Stetson capitalized on all the free time he had been afforded by people not talking to him to open a door shop. The store has yet to  turn a profit, with his younger brother Shane being the only person to visit so far. Shane cited the reason for his visit being to show support for his brother, despite not actually buying anything.

Notable Events

N/A

Overheard in Stetson’s Doors

No one has bothered speaking in here as of this time, including his brother Shane who, remember folks, was supposedly there to “support”

Rating: 1 out of 5 stars for using a distasteful name for the business in our current cultural climate

I hope you found this guide helpful, and as always, if you are a business owner and would like your establishment visited and rated, or if you have a tip of a local hotspot worth checking out for future editions, please feel free to message me.

Actually, you'd be surprised that I am working with my brother Steve_Stetson to make his door the official door of the Paramount in Philly. I cannot discuss in detail with you until Steve and I finalize the order and it becomes more public knowledge. What I CAN tell you is that I appreciate his "door-house" as it has many doors that come in and out.

Steve is just trying to make a living and I'm sure make some money for his boss. Since I see you make a cut-rate publication that makes no money, I would be happy to send you $50,000 so that way you can at least add a little pizzaz to your publications. SimonTheSwanHunter has extensive experience writing and producing high-quality periodicals and you can definitely learn some things from him. It doesn't look like you bothered to visit so how can we consider this a reputable and credible publication? 

Shane does a facepalm.

You didn't visit Stetson's Doors...I didn't see you there and Steve was quite sad that you made this review without even so much as visiting. Now, you can't do my big brother like that, not cool man. This is a disservice to readers everywhere. I WOULD pay to read the Hunter's Digest.