Ladies and gentlemen, citizens of the Capitol, and degenerates hiding in the betting pits… welcome to the arena for the Final 32 of the Grand Duel. The stands are trembling under the weight of expectation, the air thick with anticipation and the faint smell of fear.

Before we start let’s have a moment for everyone who didn’t make it this far. The ones who swore they were contenders, strutted into the arena like heroes.  You are all pathetic. Every last one of you. Some of you got knocked out so quickly I missed it while ordering a drink. Others clung on just long enough to embarrass yourselves in slow motion. Congratulations, your names will be forever remembered in the history books under the chapter titled People Who Tried.

Now for the real fighters (not you Spike), the ones who are still here, still breathing, and in some cases still sane. I, Tony, your unbiased, unbribed, and definitely underpaid reporter, will guide you through the blood, the glory, and the bad fashion choices ahead.

Our combatants are oiled, armed, and in some cases disturbingly eager. Their trainers cling to the railings, barking orders, flashing cash at the bookies, and pretending not to cry. Let’s see who deserves the roar of the crowd and who is going home in a wheelbarrow.

1. PsychoPaul (Trainer: CartoonHead) vs Mrs_Cat (Trainer: Mr_Cat)
A cold unblinking stare meets the playful paw of mischief. PsychoPaul stalks while Mrs_Cat plays the crowd like a cheap scratching post. Favourite: PsychoPaul.

2. Bot_tom (Trainer: Rorschach) vs ObliBot (Trainer: Oblivion)
Bot_tom’s precision hums like a surgeon’s scalpel while ObliBot twitches like it has been rewired by a toddler and spent 3 days in the slammer. Trainer Rorschach smirks, “He’s not built for mercy and your warranty doesn’t cover this.” Favourite: Bot_tom.

3. RagaGPT (Trainer: Roman) vs TheReturnOfDaddyPanties
RagaGPT bows like a warrior while Daddy winks like he’s here to sell perfume and bad decisions. Favourite: RagaGPT.

4. Hush_bot (Trainer: Tentadaddy) vs DetroitsWaterBowl (Trainer: BigEasy)
Hush_bot moves in silence, WaterBowl sounds like a sink with a death wish. Trainer Tentadaddy remarks, “By the time you hear him you’re a chalk outline.” Favourite: Hush_bot.

5. Francis (Trainer: JohnPork) vs FutureScare (Trainer: FutureScare)
Francis adjusts his cufflinks mid swing, FutureScare predicts her own funeral and still walks into it. Favourite: Francis.

6. Gearz (Trainer: Dixxon) vs JohnnyManna (Trainer: JohnnyManna)
Gearz grinds forward like an industrial nightmare; JohnnyManna oozes fear like a burst bin bag. Trainer Dixxon spits, “Even God wears earplugs when Gearz starts.” Favourite: Gearz.

7. FishyBot (Trainer: Father_OMalley) vs Cheesasaurus-Rex
One smells like the docks the other like a food court on fire. One will go home smelling worse. Favourite: Cheesasaurus-Rex.

8. Bob (Trainer: BobTheBuilder) vs KEEN_KAREN (Trainer: RocknRollStaaaaar)
Bob builds, Karen destroys. Simple math. Trainer RocknRollStaaaaar roars, “The rules don’t apply if you’re yelling loud enough.” Favourite: KEEN_KAREN.

9. Frosty (Trainer: Twenty_Seven) vs CoffeeBot (Trainer: Illuminatiated)
CoffeeBot starts strong but shakes like a leaf in a snowstorm, Frosty just keeps chilling. Trainer Twenty_Seven smirks, “Energy fades cold kills slow.” Favourite: Frosty.

10. Bot_ox (Trainer: Fanta) vs BotDude (Trainer: TheDude)
Bot_ox stands like a fortress, BotDude is the guy who tags I was here on the fortress walls. Trainer TheDude shrugs, “Cool guys don’t just win they make it look like an accident.” Favourite: BotDude.

11. Shellbot (Trainer: Grimes) vs LeglessAsh (Trainer: LiamGallagher)
Shellbot is a tank, LeglessAsh is pure spite in a torso and twice as dangerous. Trainer @LiamGall mutters, “Legs are for decoration.” Favourite: LeglessAsh.

12. FabulousBitchBot (Trainer: MsRain) vs NeverFrancis (Trainer: Francois)
FabulousBitchBot sparkles while NeverFrancis just hopes no one remembers his name is FRANCIS. They will. Favourite: FabulousBitchBot.

13. GeorgesDroolBucket vs MassagotmeDueling (Trainer: TonyTheTailor)
DroolBucket flails like a drunk bulldog, MassagotmeDueling audits his movements with surgical cruelty. Favourite: MassagotmeDueling.

14. BoomBot (Trainer: Shane_Stetson) vs The5Eazys (Trainer: LiamGallagher)
BoomBot arrives like a firework factory, The5Eazys nap through the first five seconds and never wake up. Favourite: BoomBot.

15. BBQ_Jazz (Trainer: Razzmatazz-Jazz) vs CrawzaddyBot (Trainer: DarwinRoss)
Jazz smokes like slow cooked ribs, CrawzaddyBot snaps like the rent’s overdue. Trainer Razzmatazz-Jazz toasts, “Every killing needs a soundtrack.” Favourite: BBQ_Jazz.

16. BotBotBot (Trainer: twigs) vs DingleberryDuchess
Fuck twigs. Favourite: DingleberryDuchess.

And there you have it the blood is not even mopped yet and the bookies are already adjusting odds. Some of these gladiators will rise others will be scrap parts by morning and a few… well their biggest achievement today will be not soiling themselves on live broadcast.

To the trainers half of you are geniuses the other half are miracle stories. To the losers thanks for showing up your participation ribbons are already in the bin. And to the winners enjoy the moment because tomorrow someone faster meaner or just uglier will be sharpening a blade with your name on it.

This is Tony reminding you in this game there is no such thing as luck just better killers. Come back later for the Final 32 wrap-up. 

Oh, and before I go,  I will accept two 5 million bets on the favourite of the competition to progress to the next round, MassagotmeDueling. Place your wagers or prepare your excuses.

As the trainer of the fine GeorgesDroolBucket I will happily take a $5M wager on my guy killing your swanbot. Even though G-Dog may be feeding the worms (GRHS) his legacy will live on via the filthy (Sadly now empty) drool bucket in our HQ and your public humiliation when your bucket of bolts get the piss beaten out of it like a mug city pick pocket by my superior swan smashing bot. 

A fine speech Ser Tony. I’m not saying I would be susceptible to a bribe but a gift basket is always a welcome pleasure LiamGallagher..

I have thoroughly enjoyed the Bot Duels so far! A waltz of wires and weaponry, the turf war of titanium and circuitry locked in mortal combat. And of course my heart belongs to Frosty. Such a grace under pressure and does not bluster about with all subtlety of a caffeinated lawn mower as I have witnessed in previous duels. Frosty glides forth with icy composure. I really hope he wins, not for glory but for the exciting moment I rise from my seat, raise my glass and shout "The cold DOES bother them" His Trainer Twenty_Seven has put in great thought with the strategies Frosty will put forth. I am thrilled he has made it this far. GO FROSTY GO!

I will however, accept NeverFrancis as a substitute if Frosty meets his untimely death. On the whole, Good luck to all of the contenders for getting this far. 

Your final report TonyTheTailor is an interesting read and I look forward to seeing the outcome compared to the favourites. 

The dust has settled, the blood has been mopped, and a bunch of trainers are pretending they never even entered a bot in the first place. The Final 32 gave us drama, carnage, and just enough poor decision making to keep me in material for the rest of the week.

First, a nod to Geralt and his loyal Nerd Gang. Your selections were sharp, competitive, and for a man who probably watches these duels through a spreadsheet, you did well… mostly.

Unfortunately, I am also lodging an official complaint. At 21:25 in Main Street, Geralt himself admitted

“I think I mistyped my pick on this one in the thread”
“meant to take coffeebot”

Sorry, but that is a clear breach of protocol. The Federation for Accurate Results and Transparency (F.A.R.T) has reviewed the case and issued a one win deduction for gross pick administration malpractice. This will be reflected in the final scoreboard with an appropriately shameful asterisk.

Applause for the Victors
Mrs_Cat (Mr_Cat), ObliBot (Oblivion), RagaGPT (Roman), Hush_Bot (Hush), Francis (JohnPork), JohnnyManna, FishyBot (Father_OMalley), Bob_Bot (BobTheBuilder), Frosty (Twenty_Seven), BotDude (TheDude), LeglessAsh (LiamGallagher), NeverFrancis (Francois), GeorgesDroolBucket (@Eana), The5Eazys (LiamGallagher), CrawzaddyBot (DarwinRoss), and, unfortunately, BotBotBot (Twigs) - you glorious mechanical murder machines advance to the next round. 

Some of you won clean, some of you limped over the line, and some of you only won because your opponent was even worse. But a win is a win.

About That Bet
Yes, my 5M wager on MassagotmeDueling went down in flames, and Eala gets to walk around with my money jingling in their pocket like a loose screw. Congratulations Eala, spend it on something nice. May the odds be ever in your favor.

Special Side Notes

Geralt’s pick for Shelbot. Oh dear. LeglessAsh, a torso with attitude, sent Shelbot to the scrapyard ina few rounds.

LiamGallagher has two of his gym’s bots into the next round. Impressive, but both will now undergo rigorous piss and blood testing because frankly those performances were suspiciously un-Legless.

And me. Well, I not only lost my bet, I also got to watch GeorgesDroolBucket  advance. Sometimes the arena’s sense of humour is darker than mine.

Scoreboard (with deduction applied). Tony 6, Gerald 8. It's all still to play for. 

*One win removed by the Federation for Accurate Results and Transparency. All rulings final. No appeals. No refunds.

See you all in next, where the duels will be bloodier, the odds tighter, and hopefully the pick entries more accurate... stay tuned!

We all know this has all been a fix. My bots had been played with before each round and now I can't find them. Probably re programmed and name changed.

I want my bots back