As some of you may have noticed, SimonTheSwanHunter as ascended to the position of Godfather-Chairman of Detroit. As such, I'd like to take a second to celebrate the man who made this possible.

This one goes out to Esquie.

For his wisdom.

For his strength.

For standing by PlagueDoctor as he made his gross thoughts on the use of library toilets known to the public. 

Simon is 3-5x stronger because of you. He has a 6-8x worse gambling addiction. And he dreams of hosting boxing competitions that collect nearly 2 total responses. 

Simon was just a pock-faced little tadpole when you found him. Now he's a big fat frog. He jumps boundlessly across Detroit, eating flies, and giving people warts. He hopes that one day a princess will kiss him and turn him into a prince. She won't. And it wouldn't. She'd just get warts.

Many people have said Esquie's general attitude is a wart on the community and the various things and places and crews he represents. I disagree. I think that if you think that, you need to go find the nearest library and take the edge off PlagueDoctor-style. Esquie is a mentor and an expert.

I'd like to see you get people to dice. 

Nobody does that.

Anyway, congratulations Esquie. Your next challenge will be keeping Simon alive. Good luck. 

Esquie was sitting in his caves, pondering his rocks when a buzzing noise started.  At this point, he had become accustomed to a continuous gnat-like noise around his head.  He had spent some time in Detroit and created a cult-like following of fans.  They were constantly galavanting and causing a ruckus outside of his cave.  He didn't mind, as long as they were having fun.  And who doesn't like being worshipped?

Today was a bit different; there was a bit more noise and what sounded like a party.  Esquie walked outside to listen to GhostOfHeadCoach.

After hearing his rousing speech, Esquie stepped forward.

Congratulations goes out to you, Detroit.  It only took you a month longer than necessary, and the last city to do it, but I'm really proud of your accomplishments.  I see you pulled out all the stops for your celebration. I'm glad to see you were able to get Busch Light kegs, and my what a lot of pregnant women smoking cigarettes.  You truly are the class of the world. 

Thank you for your kind words, Esquie.

When I informed Simon he should be publicly thanking you, he kept telling me, no, he's too humble, he won't accept the powerful role he played in my great achievement. And I kept telling him, I hope he doesn't, Simon, because you're widely disliked and I can barely comprehend caring about something less than the rank you hold while administrating the daily activities of crewmembers like WaffleStompingChamp, hard at work every evening deciphering whether an afternoons worth of collected bin bags can turn into a nutritious dinner. And he kept telling me, everyone cares Coach, that's why Esquie was so upset in the first place. 

But does everyone care?

No. That's what makes you such a strong mentor-figure. You lift us up higher than we ever could have imagined flying. Simon is a GF. SlimRagnarok has a crew now. TomJoad jettisoned his crew to hunt for the door that killed UglyInbredGeorge. We have a set of public toilets that are the envy of the world. I have found the perfect pair of jean shorts to transition my wardrobe into the fall and my wife talks to me via mobmail. And we're all voting Thomas E. Dewey in the next election.

If there's any end to this kind of success, I can't see it. 

I did warn you, GhostOfHeadCoach, Esquie thinks there are 20 days in a month and he doesn't like the spotlight. He likes his moaning like his competitions - out of sight, largely ignored and quickly forgotten. That's why his most famous, and I'm using that term as loosely as you can imagine, ancestor offered silent support for PlagueDoctor's version of what 'normal' people do, i.e. masturbate in the toilets of their local library with a raunchy romance novel. 

However, what can't be denied is my almost meteoric rise to greatness, albeit an Esquie 20 day month behind others. But is that a problem? Coming from the depths of a broken home after Craven assassinated my father without explanation, where his leaders just kind of went 'oh well', shrugged their shoulders and carried on, I was thrust forwards. Forced to face the harsh realities of a passion for swan hunting in a swan-positive community. Exposed to prominent Bebop members like TomJoad, former LHM of Spike's family, and learning early on the value of ignoring such people. I have climbed from the gutter, won probably the greatest lottery of all time for over $100m and became the King of Detroit. Such things don't need to be rushed, Esquie. Think of it like your most thumbed smut from the library; do you want to get to the finish line first or do you want to savour the experience? 

We all need strong teachers / role models in our lives to inspire us and allow us to reach our potential.

In the case of yours truly it was a scavenging raccoon down the road.
In the case of SimonTheSwanHunter it was Esquie, beacon of leadership.
In the case of Detroit's fine ladies it was the Marlboro Woman.

Congratulations to both Big Si and Esquie. To one for no longer having to call himself "Acting Godfather-Chairman of Detroit". To the other for being our guiding hand and the strong father figure we were missing ever since dad went to the gas station to buy smokes for mother and never returned.

WaffleStompingChamp raises his appletini in the air.

A TOAST.

I'd like to offer congratulations to GhostOfHeadCoach for having the balls to decline my offer of employment. Not every day the round mound of rebound says he's happy sitting on the bench on an extremely thin roster. Even Fanta and Twigs see more action than you do sir.