Who done it?

Whilst casually partaking in a casual conversation, Big Ted (real name Theodore the Grand) had been notified of a cowardly attempt to end the life of the great NY Don, Matt. Someone had cowardly put him up on the hit list, and for what? A pathetic $69 dollars. Anonymously, cowardly, and who would do such a thing? Let’s have a look at the suspects.

08/29 10:44 Anonymous Matt $69 He knows. (Get Auth) (Buy off)

TonyTheTailor

Tony was present within the conversation at the time of hit listing being bought to our attention and was quick to point the finger at another person in Effort who had just joined the discussion. Tony also removed the hit, paying more than the hit was worth, signs of a man found out? 
 

Effort

Effort joined the discussion just as the listing had been made public knowledge, wrong place at the wrong time? Or signs of a man caught in the act?

Matt

Not something for the faint hearted, but an option non the same. Could Matt have listed himself to bring attention to his existence? Did he feel left out and like he had taken a back seat in life? Listing himself would sure get his name back out there. 
 

BigTed

Not a serious suspect, just merely in the wrong place at the wrong time. No need to look into this one to deep. Great guy, respectful to all, thinks the world of his new best friend, Matt. Leading investigation.
 

Whatever the reason. Whoever the culprit. Big Ted will find them. When he does, a full apology will ensue. I maybe a Goomba, but I am a Goomba with a good nose for clues, which in the past has been likened to that of a police dog.

Investigation to continue, any witnesses or people with info are urged to contact Big Ted, can remain anonymous if requested. Everyone’s safety is paramount to all my investigations.

Let’s make MR great again, free from cowardly listings. Big love from Big Ted.

Word travels fast in this here. One minute Matt is minding my own business, the next he's finding himself worth a mighty sixty-nine dollars. Sixty. Nine. Dollars. That’s barely enough to buy a round, never mind take down a Don of the mighty New York.

But the streets don't lie, and neither do the whispers. An anonymous envelope slides under his door, a note that sings louder than a canary ‘Effort hit litted you after calling you a double ended dog stick in Discord.’

"Now I ain’t one to jump to conclusions but TonyTheTailor, you were quick to open your wallet, maybe a tad too quick?

Effort, your timing’s as suspicious as a rat leaving a sinking ship.

Me? Well, maybe I’m vain enough to list myself for the headlines, but I can't afford sixty-nine bucks.

And then there’s BigTed. Declares himself ‘not a suspect’ louder than a priest at Sunday mass. Leads his own investigation, writing sonnets about his innocence and is now sniffing around like a bloodhound on espresso.

This place runs on respect, not cowardice. You take a shot at me, even a cheap one, you better expect the spotlight to come down on you harder than the feds on tax season.

I’ll be waiting for my apology."

Jimmy Effort hears the commotion on the street outside his bank and wanders out cash flowing from his pockets

I am just going to say this. I was last night walking the streets *cough* minding my own business. (Nothing to do with ferrets!) and happened to pass the hit list post in the middle of town.

A hooded figure was posting a gormless poster of Matt with the 69 dollars attached in 1s underneath.

I didn't get a good look at them but I will say they were impeccably well dressed.....almost tailored......

There is only one man with the guilty concience here. Not naming no names 

I’m waddling down the street, belly full of meatballs, powdered sugar from a cannoli still on my jacket. I hear all this ruckus about a hit for sixty-nine bucks.

I push open the café door where the crowd’s gathered. The bell above the door clangs, everybody turns. There’s Big Ted, chest puffed out pointin’ fingers at suspects like he’s auditionin’ for a crime picture. Effort’s sweatin’ bullets, Matt’s sittin’ there lookin’ guilty just for breathing, and right in the corner is my skip, @TonyTheTailor, polishin’ his cufflinks like he ain’t got a care in the world.

I brush the sugar off, grab a chair, flip it around, and sit on it backwards. Real dramatic.

“Alright,” I says, “let’s see this investigation.”

I almost choke on my espresso. “Four suspects? Teddy boy, with logic like that, you’ll be arrestin’ the waiter for bringin’ too many breadsticks

Now here’s the thing. Tony had swooped in earlier and paid more to remove the hit than the hit was even worth. I mean, really. Sixty-nine bucks to whack a Don, and he shells out more than that like he’s buyin’ silk thread wholesale. Suspicious? Maybe.

So now I’m sitting here, arms crossed, watching Big Ted chase clues like a dog chasing parked cars, and wondering if maybe... just maybe...the guy with the needle and thread stitched this whole thing together himself.

But hey… sixty-nine bucks ain’t exactly blood money. It’s cab fare, it’s dinner, it’s a good night at the track. Whatever it is, I ain’t complainin’. Long as the cannoli keep comin’, FatTony’s just here for the show.

Conclusion!

Unfortunately, despite the best efforts of Big Ted, and having never actually failed one of his investigations previous he had to admit defeat tonight. Ted cupped his beard in his hand, the hair ran through his fingers as his beady eyes scanned the documented evidence before him. “Hmm” he muttered to himself, lifting a whiskey to his lips and taking a prolonged sip - all whilst the other suspects sat before himself. 
 

“So it would appear, with lack of conflicting evidence, we are unable to conclude who the suspect was for hit listing Matt, all I can say is that this case will now be closed and the remaining suspects, whoever it was, has been lucky this time around. All I ask is that you do not do this again, as next time I WILL find you.”

And with that said, Big Ted stood, finished his drink, lit up a cigar and with a puff of smoke, his large build left the room.