Big Si's Big News

On the 17th April, Issue II of the world famous Hunter's Digest hit shelves across the country. It was widely received as a groundbreaking piece of journalism. Contemporary reviewers said:

Cry us a river Quackers. Simon is just better than you in every possible way. - Lucy

He's better than me at writing (sic) newspapers, you're right in that regard, Lucy. - QuackersFeatherbeak

Little did we know then that it would become something of a collectors item. Still, nothing whets the appetite like a prolonged wait. There is a reason the restaurant spaces out your courses after all. Nobody wants their soup with their lobster ravioli and whilst the communal gullet was being stuffed full of low quality, genetically modified mulch by QuackersFeatherbeak, it would have been a waste to offer some premium aged British beef alongside it. The pièce de résistance doesn't share space with the scrapings from the floor and so The Hunter's Digest, unfortunately, fell out of print. 

Temporarily.

You might wonder, if that is the real reason, why it has taken so many months beyond the death of QuackersFeatherbeak for Issue III to hit the shelves. To that I say, I'm a Godfather - Chairman and I've been busy. I've turned Detroit from a Ligambi relic into a thriving cesspit that comfortably outlasted whatever nonsense TomJoad was flailing with in Chicago and has witnessed only one 12th Street Public Toilet suicide during my tenure; the kind of record the DarwinRoss' of this world could only dream of. 

Is nearly 5 months months between issues some sort of record? Probably. I'm always pushing boundaries. Trendsetter Si they call me. That or Big Si, as you've probably already noticed. 60 units of raw masculinity and 101 physique. Anyway, sit back, relax, Issue III is here. Yay. Go Simon (or Big Si if you prefer) wooooooooooo!

 STREET ROUNDUP: What's happened since Issue II

A lot but also not that much, really.

The last member of the previous regime (except TomJoad as he was LHM for Spike) was slain on 9th July and new business spread across the country like artificial slop from @Domenico's dainty lips. The Dancing Clown Fiesta (Copyright © '14 DangerClose) was alive for a time, mainly with people talking about the glorious rise of SimonTheSwanHunter and the Swanfree Swansong boys in Detroit. The other cities got occupied as well at various points but nothing of note. UglyInbredGeorge filed his last audit and with it some joy and lots of drool escaped from the world. @WaffleStompingChamp was publicly reprimanded for forwarding mass mails and progressively declined thereafter. @Illuminatiated channelled his inner Transistor and delivered three speeches, two of which were ignored, and Detroit prodigy Ted drowned in a Bricktown toilet bowl. 

The other big news stories to recap:

BREAKING: I made Godfather (on 26th August)

Probably the biggest thing that happened since our last issue is that SimonTheSwanHunter became Godfather-Chairman of Detroit. It was a joyous occasion celebrated far and wide across the country. There was a petition to rename the 26th day of each month Big Si Day and it was universally endorsed. The beauty of Big Si Day is that they even had 26 days in months back in the 1930s so @Drieza can still celebrate equally, and as @Esquie thinks there are only 20 days in a month, he can't and won't receive any Big Si Day Gifts. As this in-keeping with his general miserable sad sackery, he won't have a good time at all which is just the way he likes it. Inclusivity, a Big Si Day staple. 

What are your plans for the upcoming Big Si Day in September? @JoeyDiFrancesco and I like to get together to mark Big Si Day and celebrate our friendship. A bond forged after I gave his skull the egg treatment during a buddy-on-buddy mugging, and cracked it wide open. We reminisce about the playful back and forth. He tried to take 15k from me. I put him in the hospital for a month. Good times. 

Digest Top Tip: If you're stuck for ideas on how to mark Big Si Day, I would strongly suggest avoiding the New York Business District. It is terrible. 

TomJoad becomes Godfather of Chicago and then retires to obscurity, someone succeeded him idk who 

Following the murder of the previous regime, @TomJoad, former Spike LHM, opened a HQ in Chicago and announced himself as the kingpin of organized crime in the city, widely believed to be an attempt to bask in the reflected glory of Detroit. With barely even a glory tan, he later declared himself Godfather. Then he stood down. Career highlights include:

• Authing Father_OMalley and seeing him immediately lose his HQ
• Stepping in shit outside the 12th Street toilets and walking it onto his lounge carpet
• Trying to unsuccessfully trade "prominent" members of Chicago for the virtually worthless WaffleStompingChamp
• Losing his ability to carry 60 units and thus being unable to attempt to pick the pocket of SimonTheSwanHunter
• Starting a series of highly fanciful histories of Chicago that couldn't get past the first part

If you have any other highlights of the TomJoad era of Chicago, please feel free to share them and you have my advance sympathies for having endured that.

Shane_Stetson got KO'd in the opening round of the Golden Gloves tournament 

The Hunter's Digest fondly remembers the late @Shane_Stetson who was forced to retire after relentless hounding by QuackersFeatherbeak. His progeny, Shane_Stetson, known primarily for his slaying of UglyInbredGeorge and being overshadowed by his now deceased brother, decided to try his hand at boxing and entered the West Coast Golden Gloves tournament. 

He was drawn against a Chicago guy, @MartyBlack, who until researching him I was unaware existed. Still, he knocked Shane over in the 2nd round of the opening round of the tournament like he was an 8ft perimeter wall without too much trouble, declaring afterwards, "this one's for you, Handsome George". His actions have earned him a soft spot in the hearts of all strong Detroit sons, as soft a spot as a Chicagoan money tree can earn, anyway. @TheNewGuy even went so far as declaring he was welcome to the barren waste of Corktown, although this was likely an attempt to encourage a single active person to visit the district. 

Is Shane being left drooling on the canvas a fitting tribute to UglyInbredGeorge? Readers can decide for themselves.

But also, yes. Congrats, Marty. 

Contract taken out on the life of WaffleStompingChamp for $5,000,000

How much is a life worth? A question which philosophers have pondered over for generations and in the case of WaffleStompingChamp, honestly, $5,000,000 seems an excessively high number. This is a man who, as the paying client has keenly observed, seems unable to purchase himself a level of protection commensurate to the illustrious position he somehow holds. 

Being the left hand to the most famous swan hunter of all time is a pedestal upon which the likes of the late TedTheSwanHunter and Loose (of no notable lineage) would have eaten their own shit to have stood. Maybe Ted did even that in the end, who knows? But what's clear is that someone is prepared to pay big money to see Waffle toppled. This outlet asks who?

We have produced a list of suspects and would like readers to also volunteer their own, until the despicable culprit is found:

• @GhostofHeadCoach - rumoured to have arranged his own contract upon @WaffleStompingChamp's life shortly after the first hit was placed. Widely believed to be too stupid and inconsequential to arrange a hit of this magnitude. 100k Coach they call him. Or a whiny little bitch depending on who you ask. Verdict: 5/10. 
• @Matt - vocal coffeeshop dork isn't too many steps removed from cowardly arranger of contract killings. Extremely old and may not even remember doing it. Verdict: 6/10. 
• @twigs - self-appointed RHM who despite all outward signs of being superior to WaffleStompingChamp, has earned the nickname twigsLigambi around Detroit for his incredible knack of being asleep at the wheel. Could he have mustered the energy to anonymously put out a hit, fight his miserly nature and part with $5,000,000+ to do so? Unlikely. Verdict: 3/10.
• @SlimRagnarok - the new Don of Detroit and desperate to make a name for himself beyond being "not Monarch". What better way to announce yourself than ousting the oldest Swan Hunter who has actually donated (this excludes xXArtiomXx, who hasn't donated a penny). Vicious whisperings suggest Slim was even seen reading a book in a complete mockery of Detroit's longstanding No Nerdery policy. Verdict: 7/10. 
• @Interlude - Strong Detroit stock who was absolutely desperate for auth himself. More than qualified to replace WaffleStompingChamp and quite rightfully is disdainful of serial OC failure, Tetley. Does keeping SlimRagnarok away from other disgraceful pursuits like sudoku and instead focussed on the gym give him enough time to arrange Waffle's murder? Verdict: 5/10.
• @TomJoad - the very definition of yesterday's man. Made a name for himself bag-carrying for Spike and bragging about it to anyone who would listen. Even named name a crew after his mentor. Yikes. He also famously tried on multiple occasions to unsuccessfully recruit WaffleStompingChamp to his doomed and now no longer trading organization. Has like one degree at most. Now semi-retired and cutting his lawn with scissors to the desired length to accentuate the impact of his garden gnomes. His unrequited pursuit has turned sour on his dotage. The one with the fishing rod laughs at him behind his back. Verdict: 7/10.
• @LiamGallagher - has poor man's beluga finally decided to take the jump from flirting with Waffle's pockets to wanting him dead? Possible. Has he ever shown the type of testicular fortitude it requires to hitlist someone anonymously and hope another does your dirty work for you? You're right, he may be cowardly enough. Verdict: 6/10.
• @Fanta - has witnessed WaffleStompingChamp's reign of terror in forwarding mass mails first hand. Has previously assassinated his bodyguards. Might he finally have had enough? A man with motive, opportunity and enough money from mugging Big Si to orchestrate the attack. Verdict: 8/10
• @TonyTheTailor - Tony 'look at me I make dumb suits and can't play poker' TheTailor. Was he jealous of Waffle's homemade papier-mâché suit? Did he wish he had the idea of hanging the town's rubbish on a pole twice a week himself? Have all those character-building swirlies at Grandpa Monella's house as a boy finally caused him to crack like when his big blind is being raised? Further consideration needed. Verdict 5/10.
• @Eala - Has been known to engage with maths and arguably owns a protractor. Supposedly bought out GhostOfHeadCoach's alleged hit on WaffleStompingChamp. A last vestige of lameness that even a lifetime of Detroit handshakes hasn't knocked out of him or an attempt to cover his tracks? Verdict 4/10.
• @Gneiss - This guy just sucks. Verdict 9/10.

If you have any information about who may be responsible or if you wish to point an accusatory finger at any of the Waffle Eleven, please let us know. 

Something I said which turned out to be true (like usual)

Avid readers like @Soul_Hooligan, who earned his Hunter's Digest badge by sending in a picture of himself posing in a dumb hat in his bedroom alongside a working model of the 12th Street Public Toilets he made out of ice lolly sticks, will know how on the nose my reporting is. 

Before I was Big Si, King of Detroit, Overlord of the Centre, Envy of New York and Aspirational Neighbour of Chicago, I was just a young and undeniably handsome newsman, shooting from the hip, ruffling feathers and creating entirely factual predictions. 

The proof? 

A quick glance at Soul_Hooligan's autographed, framed, first edition Hunter's Digest Issue I that he kindly shared with me for this purpose shows the following statement in our widely regarded and superbly attended "next for the chop" competition:

SimonTheSwanHunter - 100/1 - You can't stop me. I'm going to rule this dump and sleep on top of a pile of scrunched up The Duck's Bills. Do your fucking worst. 

Could anyone have known then that what I would become? Well yes, clearly, I did. My mattress is overflowing with Duck's Bill stuffing and I look out over a dump every morning. What a ride it has been, and one day the rights to the story of my meteoric rise and glorious successes will have my biographers competing harder than @Illuminitated and @Elodia to suggest a bad idea. 

Please keep this 100% prophecy record in mind when I make any predictions in the future. I'm always right. 

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS 

Issue III in the books. What a proud day for us all and not a format error or typo (if you find any I'll kill you) in sight. Will you have to wait 4 months for Issue IV? Probably not. I'm not sure Matt will still be with us if it takes that long, honestly, and he deserves to read all the mean things I'm going to write about him. 

I'd like to thank myself for putting the work in to get this publication out there. You might think that I shouldn't get congratulations as it took so long to publish this, but you would be wrong. Well done to me.

That's everyone who deserves recognition, recognized. @BillyNoMates has stopped donating despite the overwhelming amount of thanks I bestow upon him when he does and I need the cash. Give generously. I feel it is justified. And as always, please ignore twigs.  

• SlimRagnarok - the new Don of Detroit and desperate to make a name for himself beyond being "not Monarch". What better way to announce yourself than ousting the oldest Swan Hunter who has actually donated (this excludes xXArtiomXx, who hasn't donated a penny). Vicious whisperings suggest Slim was even seen reading a book in a complete mockery of Detroit's longstanding No Nerdery policy. Verdict: 7/10. 

The moniker, 'Not Monarch' seems a bit harsh. Just because I can read and no one else in Detroit knows what a book, doesn't mean i should be labeled with such a term. That's just uncalled for. Setting that issue aside, I fully support this hit on WaffleStompingChamp. Maybe this will be a wake up call for him to move to a super crew, a crew like The 12th Street Swan Hunters. The real pride of Detroit! 

Wow wee! What a great, and girthy, issue to mark the return of The Hunters Digest with. Thank you for filling it with so many words to read, Big Si. Love those. 
 

I do notice, however, that WaffleStompingChamp himself has some how to eluded the suspect list. I find this highly suspicious. Does anyone know where Stompy was when the hit was placed? Could he have a motive? Why did he place the hit on himself? I feel like these are question worth answering.

SlimRagnarok, you should absolutely not be bragging about reading books. I don't know what sort of things you're teaching your goons (xXArtiomXx, PinaColada, I'm looking at you) over there on 12th Street, but I'm deeply concerned. This isn't Nerd York. Nobody wants to do a wordsearch with you or play scrabble. What's next, non-contact sport? You make me fucking sick. Get your shit together. 

Interlude, thank you for speaking here and you make a very valid point. I also notice that shortly after you suggested that TrashpoleWaffle might have hitlisted himself in a needy cry for attention, the hit is removed. Is it a coincidence? I think so. It isn't like anyone likes him enough to buy it out on his behalf and he certainly can't afford to given his meagre bodyguard situation. WaffleStompingChamp, why did you hitlist yourself? 

Tom stopped by the news stand to pick up the latest paper to learn of recent events. The news stand had been empty for several months now, ever since the last issue of The Duck's Bill was sold. Tom had vowed to never again know what was going on in the world, but seeing this strange new publication, he decided to give "being informed" one last try...

Tom skimmed through the headlines, not seeing anything of any importance or relevance. At the time of publication, the hit had already been bought off of Waffle, still nobody cared about Big Si's promotion, and Stone Rockhard (Tom's new nickname, which is infinitely better than "Big Si") was easily carrying sixty units of drugs. Stone continued flipping through the pages, getting visibly more annoyed with each page turn...

"WHO THE FUCK IS BANNED? WHAT IS THIS SHIT?"

Furious, Stone crumpled up the worthless and pointless newspaper and chucked it into the gutter...

"Well, well, well, if isn't TomJoad, famous dogshit treader out from under his semi-retired rock. What brings you to the newsstand, Tom? Oh, I see you're just going to read and ignore me. I get that. It is quite a big deal, a Big Si deal you might say, ha ha ha ha. It is a great nickname isn't it? I don't encourage its use, it is just what some people like to call me. I don't mind if they want to do that. I wouldn't give myself a nickname though. That would be a really dorky move. Still nothing to say? Fair enough. You just keep reading away over there and enjoying yourself. I'm not sure if you were wondering, but in case you were, and this is just a guess because I can't read minds - Big Si not Psychic Si, right? ha ha ha - the hit on Waffle was definitely bought off after publication. It would be complete untrue and really, really stupid for someone to think that. But anyway what do you think of the-"

TomJoad lets out a high pitched wail and screams "WHO THE FUCK IS BANNED? WHAT IS THIS SHIT?" before struggling mightily to scrunch up the paper. Simon (or Big Si as a lot of people have taken to calling him) watches on stunned. 

"That was odd of you, Tom. And wait, STOP!" but it was too late. With all of his effort focused on trying and failing to crumple up a few pieces of paper, as he approached the gutter, Angry Tom's foot slid unaware in a pile of fresh faeces, his arms windmilled, the paper flying into the air and he squawked, lost his balance and went over on his arse. The Hunter's Digest gently floated down and settled open and unharmed across his face. 

HOT SCOOP!:

An inside source high within the ranks of Detroit's organized crime structure revealed that ever since giving himself the nickname "Big Si", Simon has been acting like an absolute madman behind closed doors. The source revealed that Simon is insisting that everyone in Detroit refer to him as "Big Si" and even threatened to burgerhouse one respected Capo who refused to use the new nickname.

Personally, I'll call him "Big Si" from now on. Why not? It doesn't hurt anything and if it makes Simon happy, then let's all spread a little happiness. There's no reason this has to get ugly.

There are so many flaws with this "scoop", Tom. First of all, there are no respected Capos in Detroit. SnailSpectacles, Solomon and TheFatController are barely tolerated and the idea of WaffleStompingChamp, a guy incapable of even using the money sent to him to purchase protection, being respected by anyone is so hilarious that I can't quite contain all my laughter. Ha ha ha. Secondly, and perhaps most importantly, unlike your failed self-styled moniker, the extremely popular "Big Si" nickname was given to me and I certainly don't insist on it. Some of my subjects have taken to calling me that completely independently of anything I have said. Is it in recognition of the enormity of my influence and gargantuan stature in the criminal underworld? Who can say. I don't discourage it, I see the joviality and good humour behind it and I acknowledge it as such. That's the type of behaviour my guys expect from Big Si and probably the difference between us as you're a withered old husk. 

Also, burgerhousing? Me? Big Si? Have a word with yourself.  

My father always said that tall trees catch a lot of wind, and as such I am not surprised somebody put a 5 million dollar hit on me.

They fear me.

Why do they fear me? This is something I have no answer for unfortunately.

Could it be an old grudge from someone who has suffered a lot of folding-chair related trauma to the head from relatives of mine? Surely fear inspiring. Possible.
Could it be the work of my one (incompetent) associate, trying to escape the shackles of being associated with me? I remind you this associated is still sitting at a shameful yet defiant 0$ of earnings. Does he fear the repercussions of being DEADWEIGHT? Also possible.
Could it be that Simon has discovered I am leading a Detroit Separatist movement, covertly serving the interests of BricktownCL who may make his messianic return any day now? A terrifying prospect.

I don't know anymore. But the one thing I do know is that the payday I just claimed will make me sleep a little easier tonight.

And, well, the fact that I got twigs to steal money from SimonTheSwanHunter's bank to buy off my hit.

But that's neither here nor there.

Soul_Hooligan had heard whispers that a new edition of The Hunter's Digest was running through press and set for immediate release. He had put contingencies in place to do his rounds in LA, and sought permission from Optimus to take a few days initial leave in order to fly to Detroit; he would see to family matters in the city of course, but only after the main event.

Fresh off the first flight, it was a bright sunny morning in Detroit, and rather than wait for the new edition to hit the news paper stands, he stood waiting for the bundles to be launched off the loading dock of the printing press warehouse, he slipped a short man loading up a truck in a flat cap with a cigarette hanging from his mouth a 20, and hurried off to read around the corner.

After finishing, he chuckled to himself, thinking the editor had, once again, done it again. His next thought pondered the best place in DT to obtain another box of lollipop sticks, and he walked joyfully to a nearby coffee shop to get his morning caffeine fix, the 'newsparper' tucked under his arm.  

Simon, if Mama Swanhunter didn't show so much cleavage at our annual Detroit mother-son balls, I'd be halfway to the Guangdong Province by now with a bindle over my shoulder searching tea plantations for a Chinese Bob Cousy, fuelled by such an enormous quantity of pickled vegetables NASA could drop me into Neptune and I'd turn it into a hotspring. The only thought I had while reading this was that I would let a pack of dogs tear me apart and devour me if the strength it gave them would make you next.

DarwinRoss, if you're listening, we could use a 'No witness statement needed' here next. 

Big Si? Noone has ever called you that, Simon. Perhaps you have it confused with the big sigh that people reflexively emit whenever you say something. I've heard people refer to you as the "chip butty of the mafia world", though.

Can anyone imagine a world where people fear WaffleStompingChamp? No? Nor me. In addition to being unable to employ protection with money literally deposited into his hand, he also doesn't realise that my accountant notifies me of any transactions. Had twigs, and I acknowledge his presence reluctantly and against my better judgement, tried to steal money from my bank, I would have known about it before he'd laid a dainty buttered drenched finger on a single dollar. Another swing and another miss; the TomJoad special. 

From people with shit on their shoes to the excrement affixed upon the sole themselves - GhostofHeadCoach - welcome back amongst the living. I mean that with the least sincerity you can imagine. I was actually hoping you would have caught a coma from TFS rather than try to bother my good friend DarwinRoss with your nonsense. Please find the nearest boulder capable of concealing your bulk and retreat back under it. 

As to you, and I regret this immediately for a second time today, twigs, I can see why you might not have noticed how commonly the Big Si nickname is used. You see you and I move in entirely different circles. As a lowly Boss, stuffing your face with half and half from your local Chinese every night with only the likes of Caveman for company, you probably don't understand how the more refined amongst us engage in discourse. I'll show you some recent examples from your betters: 

Maybe even Big Si will finally grace us with his presence - BuddyBigPaw (Don)

Wow thanks Big Si. A trucking depot too. Tetley could never. - nterlude (Don)

Good day citizens of Detroit. And Big Si. - TheNewGuy (Don)

I sent the 100 million donation I have been saving up directly to WaffleStompingChamp instead of big si - Eala (Consigliere)

yes big si - Fanta (Don)

Now, if you could all please go back to praising how good The Hunter's Digest (the longest running paper in Mafia historyis, I would really appreciate it. Who wants to get us started?