This week’s column is dedicated to a few fine folks who’ve kept me fed, clothed, and occasionally out of jail. They’ve all done their part to help me in this life, and since I’ve got nothing better to do than air out family business in the newspaper, I figured I’d thank them here. Of course, knowing me, it’ll sound less like gratitude and more like I’m digging my own grave but hey, consistency is key.

First up is OldMan

The guy who practically shoved me into this life, whispering, “Here, kid, take this corrupt agent and go cause trouble.” Without him, I’d still be running numbers for some corner store. But let’s not kid ourselves. Oldman’s entire career consists of bailing people out of jail. That is it. He’s got more inmates calling him than a priest does on Sunday morning. And yes, he’s old. So old that when he tells you about “back in my day,” you’re not sure if he means the 1920s or the Roman Empire.

Next, a round of applause for Meltdown

She showered me with perks and corrupt agents I never knew I needed. Thanks to her, life feels like it came with cheat codes. But let’s talk about her real hobby: gambling. I’m telling you, this woman could lose her shoes in a dice game and still yell “double or nothing.” If gambling were an Olympic sport, she’d be banned for “unsportsmanlike enthusiasm.”

On to Lydia

Sweet Lydia, who gave me envelopes of cash with no strings attached. A saint in heels. A walking donation box. But here’s the thing. she’s also a gambler, and I suspect she’d bet on whether pigeons will cross the street. And let me warn you, she’s got a mean streak hiding under that generosity. One minute she’s giving you gifts, the next she’s staring at you like you owe her your kneecaps.

Now, my skip, @TonyTheTailor

A gentleman who welcomed me into his family, stitched me a suit so glorious that it made Sinatra jealous. Truly a class act. But here’s the news you won’t read anywhere else: his friendship with Matt is a little too close. You know what I mean. Candlelit dinners at diners, long talks under lampposts, the works. I’m convinced they’ve got matching pajamas somewhere in Brooklyn.

Which brings us to @Matt himself.

A good man, great banter, always making the streets feel less like work and more like waiting in line at the DMV with a guy who won’t shut up. Somehow, it’s annoying and entertaining at the same time. But folks, let us not ignore the elephant in the room. His romance with Tony is the worst-kept secret in New York. Together, they’ve conspired to keep me from promotions. It’s like “Romeo and Romeo,” except instead of poison, it’s paperwork.

So there it is, my public thanks. To the old man who treats jail like it’s his summer home, the gamblers who mistake bankruptcy for a hobby, the generous saint who gives handouts like she’s laundering guilt, and the two lovebirds in Brooklyn rehearsing a romance nobody bought tickets for. Without them, I might have actually made something of myself. With them, I’m circling the drain...but at least I’ve got premium seats to watch the freak show.

Now don’t think this list is finished. More names will crawl onto it sooner or later. In fact, make your own. And make it good. Regular hit lists are lame everyone’s got one, and half the names are people nobody remembers. But a Gratitude Hit List? That’s where the real dirt lives. Thank your so-called friends, roast them till they’re crispy, and let the streets know who’s dragging you down while pretending to hold you up. Because if your list doesn’t get someone angry enough to stop talking to you, it’s not worth the ink.

Tabloid proudly sponsored by Tony’s Queens The Big Stich. 

Mention this article and get a free side of garlic knots, a meatball toothpick, and Tony personally judging your life choices...because nothing says loyalty like carbs, questionable life decisions, and unsolicited fashion advice.

The Gratitude Hitlist???

Well at least you enjoy my banter I suppose... I'll maybe consider letting your promotion proceed for entertainment purposes now.

Also starting to think you’re seriously jealous of what me and Tony share.