Part of rising through the ranks of the criminal underworld is being trusted to carry out more than simple petty crimes. As we progress and develop our skills and contacts, we become able to perform more complex and more rewarding operations. The most common of these are known collectively as "organized crimes". This is where one person, typically the brains of the operation, will identify a target and mastermind the job to ensure that all of those involved get a reasonable score. Lower level soldiers will usually get an accomplice to help them steal from say an art gallery, Capos may be able to pull a couple more people in for a 3-man effort in a loansharking operation. Bosses, having a bit more muscle, might put the torch to one of their rivals' businesses commanding 3 others in the process. Meanwhile a Consigliere and above should be able to put together a five man gang including themselves to pull off a daring raid of a trucking depot. Each job is more difficult than the last and the pay increases accordingly. In theory. 

Now that I'm done teaching you how to suck eggs, I wondered if anyone has ever been involved in more disorganized crimes than those run by Don Drieza, underboss of Queens? Allow me to set the scene for you, I, King of Detroit, Godfather-Chairman of Bricktown, plague-quasher of 12th Street, disappointer of Esquie, 60-unit carrying behemoth of the Centre, Big Si, received a request.

The request was to accompany Don Drieza in his attempt to raid a trucking depot. A reasonable request I thought at first glance. I'm often scouted for such missions. My 101 physique, quick wit and Newton Meter defying strength make me an obvious first choice especially to compensate for the distinct lack of physical prowess that Nerd Yorkers are famous for. Anyway, I accepted and despite being the most qualified to layout the plan, I allowed Drieza to take the lead. I'm very humble like that. Probably the most humble. 

After Drieza finished pointing out the different spots he wanted us to cover on his vellum parchment map, I began to have my doubts that this was going to be a success; there is only so much even Big Si can do to carry dead weight after all. Without waiting for confirmation from the rest of the gang, Drieza charged head first at the front entrance to the trucking depot, screaming his nasally war cry whilst the rest of us just looked at each other with equal parts disgust, shame and quiet resignation. 

You failed to Raid a Trucking Depot with the Drieza Gang. Your crew hauled ass out of there. (No timer added.)

Ok, no harm done. One good thing about New Yorkers is that their natural cowardice makes them exceptionally talented at running away and as quickly as he had approached the gate blowing our cover, he was back with the group licking his wounds. Only inexplicably, and without waiting for the likes of me, Big Si, to show him the flaws in his plan, he was turning around, panting desperately at the minimal physical effort, and off directly into the line of sight of the guards. Again. 

You failed to Raid a Trucking Depot with the Drieza Gang. Your crew hauled ass out of there. (No timer added.)

The second effort was as humiliating as the first. Even I felt secondhand embarrassment for him it was so bad, it was the 1930s fiasco all over again. At least he wouldn't just immediately fuck it up a third time though. Surely he would know better than to just repeat this exact mistake all over again? Right? Right?

 You failed to Raid a Trucking Depot with the Drieza Gang. Your crew hauled ass out of there. (No timer added.)

Wrong. Three fat failures so enormous that they make SlimRagnarok look petite. Has there ever been a crime so hopelessly disorganized as this one? And before any of you wise asses try to point a podgy finger in Big Si's direction (if you can prize it from around a chip butty long enough, eh twigs. If you can put the phone down quick enough after ordering takeaway breakfast, eh beluga. Something about GhostOfHeadCoach being fat, ugly and stupid too as he will also try to blame me because he's a deviant and a fool (and fat, ugly and stupid)) check out this full house of success from me:

Sep 14, 10:04:41    You earned $69,143 with the SimonTheSwanHunter Gang for the crime Steal from an art gallery.

Sep 12, 19:08:33    You earned $74,735 with the BigSi Gang for the crime Run a loansharking operation.

Sep 16, 05:48:18    You earned $80,667 with the SimonTheSwanHunter Gang for the crime Torch a rival's business.

Sep 15, 08:46:28    You earned $155,128 with the SimonTheSwanHunter Gang for the crime Raid a Trucking Depot.

And I even brought WaffleStompingChamp in for one of those just to prove I could do it handicapped. 

So there you have it. Have you ever been part of a worse gang than Drieza's? Shared equally miserable experiences with him at the helm? Delighted in all the money I've made for you? Share your tales with Big Si. 

Sir, this is slander to the highest degree. Almost as worse as a Shane Stetson bait and switch. 

Normally, I would just ignore these atrocious lies, but you pandered some to my ego and recognized as the Queens Underboss, so I will humor it. First of all, thank you for explaining organized crimes to the window lickers in the back row. Even the man holding the doors for escape should know these terms in this thing of ours. More than often, I blame the Wise Guys and Earners holding the doors for the extract. Which lets not get confused: IT'S ABSOLUTELY THEIR FAULT. 

Sometimes a Don such as myself feels pity on the general public and invite causals into the crime that have no business being there. I'm like, "Hey, can you drive the damn car away after we're done".

And they're like "Sure, I can handle that." 

Fucking news flash - they can't handle even the simplest of orders. I organize a crime. We execute it. And the driver is fucking GONE. Getting an ice and flavor at their local corner store. I get immediately outraged, but in the end I realize it's my fault. Hired a boy to handle a man's job., it's that simple. 

However, Godfather SimonTheSwineSwayer. There's one common factor in the organized crimes we have committed together and that common factor is.... surprisingly.... YOU. 

If I'm to take blame for the failed organized crimes that have been happening lately. I think it's fair to blame yourself as well. And who else was an accomplice on those crimes? Well, no other than your Underboss... twigs... Ew! Fuck twigs. Believe I even vented my frustrations towards you when I invited you in on the fun, and you took the piss out of all the fun. Losing is not fun, winning is. And the reason I haven't invited you back to anymore of the fun. No more fucking fun. 

To: SimonTheSwanHunter
From: Drieza
Sent: Aug 28, '25 21:02
Subject:

You and your RHM need to crime more. 

To be able to pull off a five to six man heist and organized crimes requires skills. Skills you and your right hand man simply do not have. You would've thought by the third organized crime that I would've learned my lesson and just not invited you anymore, because obviously you were part of the problem and not the solution. It's actually INSANITY that I invited you to begin with in the first place, but to invite you another two times after the first failure? You're right. That's absolutely on me. Why in the hail did I invite back the problem?

Good intentions. Hope for your future. Pity that your city is more poor than Joe Ligambi after he gives his friend Jimmy 250 million dollars only to find out that it's NOT Jimmy's kin at all.

Who knows? 

What I do know is I haven't invited you to a single organized crime after this shitshow of a performance that you put on display. Haven't invited twigs either. Haven't even visited the city of Detroit after this fiasco unless it was a small stop and go to unload drugs on my way from Los Angeles back to New York. A real city for you, have you visited the west coast? Or are you dumpster diving for shit bags to turn a buck on 12th Street?

AND EVEN. Through all of this slander and bullshit, I donate to charity still. Call me the Sugar Daddy of Detroit, if it pleases you. 

Aug 22, 19:58:53

Your accountant has made payment of $20,000,000 to twigs

This slander has hurt my financials and I demand restitution for lost money in time. No one has invited me to a single fucking organized crime since your public announcement and it's hurt my business. I want 20 million back. Not only does it cover my financial loss, but it covers my emotional and mental stress of going to through the process to clear my name from defamation. 

Was so pissed and stressed that EImilk almost got demoted to restore my reputation.

If you don't meet my demands then I will order the entire city of New York to strike and protest against your tyranny and shitty decision making (making twigs underboss). I will confer with the Godfather of Godmother of this city (I probably won't) and we will order all members of New York to never invite ANY Detroit member to any organized crime until the demands have been met. We will strike your hotels, your strip clubs, and even worse... we will unleash so many fucking swans into the city around every hotdog stand you have. Fuck around.... and find out. 

On a side note, you know who the literal worst at committing organized crime? Natasha. Not even a joke. 

A source tells me that Barnaby Fowler is being called in for Drieza's demands. After I fired Barnaby, turns out he decided to go to New York when all this started going down. 

I'd say you gentlemen settle this over a good ole fashioned 100 credit bet between each other and mug twigs just for fucks sake.

On the subject of Organised Crime, I'd be interested to sit and hear the opinions of fellow mafioso as to techniques applied in the successful execution and consequent decent haul of cash: in preparation, numbers in the gang, execution. Big Si has alluded to one such high-ranking mobster running in to sight of security guards at a trucking depot like a wild maniac, moments after his accomplices turned up, and inevitably failing to either stealth past the staff on guard or incapacitate them before gaining entry.

My technique varies depending on the job at hand. As a minimum, I gather local mobsters with knowledge of the lay of the land from the city in question, mixed with comrades from LA, and we take our sweet time discussing tactics before we get the rush of blood and get down to business. Rank and recognition play a huge part too, and full concentration - the associates in the crime cant be nipping off to get the bus across town, collecting an envelope from the mayor, hitting a safe down the street or picking a lockbox in the meantime. The local Art Gallery tends to have one rookie guard on, who is generally asleep, and can be easily robbed with just one other Made Guy who waits patiently along with the leader. A loansharking operation needs a numbers guy, muscle for security, and a debt collector, there's your crew of three needed as a bare minimum, with the same above attention given to the crime - no distractions again as the plan unfolds. Torching a business requires strength in numbers, a pyromaniac, a getaway driver, a lookout and an inventory manager for the Molotov's (who also provides the transport). And a trucking depot needs as many drivers as you can get and becomes a free-for-all; but take at least 5 people with you given the guards are more likely to be armed, and several upgrades up in experience than the average rent-a-cop at the art gallery. Once your crew is in place for any of these heists, you wait a few moments to go over the plan - stay put as discussed - then do the business. This technique I've found generally works save for any unexpected twists. Patience, numbers, focus. What do you think?

Soul_Hooligan.... Do us all a favor and never called Simon "Big Si" ever again. We don't applaud self imposed nicknames around these parts. It's deplorable and should be shamed onto their kin and the generations they're haunted with. 

I've heard your technique out, Soul Hool-I-Can... may I call you that? That's a nickname you didn't give yourself. See how this is supposed to work?

And I think it doesn't apply to Simon paying his defamation lawsuit. He's ignoring my threats of swans, striking, and protesting. 

Still haven't been invited to ONE FUCKING ORGANIZED CRIME since this catastrophe. 

He's left me no choice. Since there is no more auditing, I have to make a more reckless and drastic decision that definitely won't backfire on me. 

You know what? This is starting to become bullshit. Not the problem here.

To: Drieza
From: Limits

i swear youre bad luck you know!! ty anyway for the OC

I get to perform in one organized crime and this hate speech is already spreading like wildfire. You won't paint this negative narrative on me without repercussions. 

If you guys don't start behaving soon, Drieza is going to put on his suit or armour and go medieval on all you peasants. It's not his fault his getaway car consisted of an old wagon and two knackered horses. Should have heard him bragging about his horsepower before hand.

Give him a break.

Drieza, the fact you gave $20m to twigs is just further evidence of your terrible, terrible judgement. Questions around the wealth of Detroit (and the lack thereof) are massively exaggerated. Tourism is high in the centre. People flock far and wide to inhale the woody scent of the still smoldering effigy of Hobbs. The healing properties of the slop leaking out of the 12th Street sewage treatment plant when applied to skin are as yet unknown but believed to remarkable. A steaming cup from D0m3n1c's Bar & Coffee Shop is world famous. So in short, I'm very rich. I could give you $20m from just my walking around money. Spent more than that on bodyguards for TFS before she vanished. Chump change to me, honestly. The Big Si Big Bank Account is bursting at the seams. Am I going to though? Get to fuck.

As usual, I've provided a public service. The broader community deserves to know exactly the type of caper you would lead them into. An Art Gallery robbery? Couldn't nab the finger paintings from a nursery class. Loansharking? This guy just admitted to giving $20m away to twigs. The crew will owe more than they'll make. A rival's business? Probably booming after you try to put the torch to it and end up illuminating the sign at night by accident. 

Trying to gaslight the King of Detroit was a predictable move but it lacks substance. My successes are legendary and my record is beyond reproach. Dropped four of them right into this conversation without even breaking a sweat. I could earn another $20m to not give you before your next reply. That's just how the Big Si gang operates. 

And, the Big Si nickname is one bestowed upon me not one I ever gave to myself. Is it due to fear, adoration or recognition of my greatness? Probably all three, but I don't demand its use. I nod my head and smile politely when people use it. Magnanimously even. I don't want to disappoint my adoring public and if they want to call me Big Si, well then Bi Si indulges them. 

As to your threats of dropping Detroit from your crimes (and I'm using that 'your' broadly as missing the Drieza gang's earnings of $0 can barely qualify as a threat), who would provide the muscle for New York operations if not Detroit? Philly? Chicago? Don't make me fucking laugh. You need us. You should honestly be asking for tips if anything on how to knock these out successfully. I might start running an OC class for beginners in the New York Business District.

Lesson 1 - Choosing the right Gang:

Sep 16, 05:48:18    You earned $80,667 with the SimonTheSwanHunter Gang for the crime Torch a rival's business.

beluga had no harpoon in this fight between Drieza and Queens versus Big Si and his Bricktown Bandits and I guess the Corktown guys too. He had read a letter given to him by a messenger as he got off his flight from Nevada to Michigan.

***Mass Mail To All Residents Of New York***
Hello wonderful members of New York,
DT has disrespected my authority and my pride. I have asked for 20 million in emotional damages, but Simon told me to fuck myself.
I am asking for us as a city to UNIONIZE against Detroit and the process is pretty simple. We will strike them, we will petition them, and we will hit them where it hurts... swans.

There was much more to the letter, but beluga had already began to sweat, even though he wasn't exactly sure how a beluga could sweat, or if they even could. He dared not read anymore of the letter aloud, it was basically a declaration of war on Detroit already. He wasn't sure if he was ready to unleash the horde of Swans and EIkmilk into the city. He had already approached Big Si about an organized crime and wasn't sure whether to cancel on him and twigs like Drieza or Natasha, or do the right thing and run this organized crime with them.

beluga, respecting the King of Detroit and his jester, twigs, had decided to do the deed against supposed better judgement from many (Drieza) New Yorkers. It was a small job, the smallest of small. Even a rodent and a moron could manage an art gallery heist right? RIGHT?

beluga obviously had been distracted at some point during this duo job and.. Well.. He held up a sign in shame.

Sep 18, 23:26:26     You failed to Steal from an art gallery with the beluga Gang.

He had shamed Drieza by inviting Big Si, and shamed Detroit's King by failing such a simple opportunity. Would beluga do anything right today? Could he? He wasn't sure, but he did know something, he'd probably do it again.

By the request of Drieza, I was asked to invite folks from Detroit to my organized crimes... and then uninvite them as they accepted. As a good solider in the chain, I followed the directive to a tee. Not only did I secure an accept from twigs, but also the Swan Master himself, SimonTheSwanHunter. 

Sep 18, 23:00:05    SimonTheSwanHunter accepted your crime invite.
Sep 18, 22:59:00    twigs accepted your crime invite.

Now with the plan in place, and obviously doing what I was asked to do, I started to kick both of them out of my crime. Proving this to the second in command in Queens, he gave me the response of "YES. WELCOME TO THE RIGHT SIDE OF HISTORY". I immediately attempted my organized crime. Knowing that I was in such a dump of a city, Detroit, doing this, I figured I'd succeed. 

Your gang failed the crime.

I'm not sure that Drieza knows what he's doing, comrade... I followed his instructions to a TEE.

An embarrassing display from the Big Apple boys, as usual.

The common themes of your failures? The home city of the mastermind and their embarrassingly small biceps. Meanwhile, Big Si, still glistening from his mid-afternoon workout, effortlessly direct Fanta and TheFatController to a juicy payday on a loansharking operation. 5k in the legs and 90k in the back pocket? Yes please. 

Sep 19, 15:11:04    You earned $87,621 with the SimonTheSwanHunter Gang for the crime Run a loansharking operation.

Still got something left in the tank? No problem. BuddyBigPaw, fine Detroit stock, needs a hand on an operation of his own. Big Si, not too proud to let one of his Dons call the shots lands another score a couple of minutes later. 

Sep 19, 15:13:04    You earned $81,968 with the BuddyBigPaw Gang for the crime Run a loansharking operation.

Over $175,000 earned. A couple of chumps intimidated. Bread and butter for Mug City. I guess the question is, Drieza, on the back of this "ban", why are you so allergic to making money?

Spicoli read the letter from Drieza, and immediately knew he had to do something....

Well, A man who has as much money and assets as myself does not waste his time on some measly crimes for pocket change, so the OC part, easy, I have no intention of inviting those pesky people from Detroit, Hell, I hardly even visit that city, the 12th street toilets stink up the whole damn place anyways...

But, I will join the great Drieza in one thing... a pure love for the elegant animal we call SWANS and stand tall and strong carrying the proper tag for this... lets not call it a revolution, but maybe just 2 people throwing a pity part because one of them... not me.. is terrible at organized crimes...

NYUATTDMBDATSUT