If I got a penny every single time SimonTheSwanHunter complained to me about my ALLEGED lack of protection, I would have enough money to buy me a mountain of bodyguards. I'd be able to stack my guards so high that I could walk them like a set of stairs all the way to the moon. I'd plant a BricktownCL "Swanfree Swansong" flag on there and sell the moon rocks I bring back from my lunar expeditions for a hefty price, allowing me to buy a SECOND mountain of bodyguards and reach ever higher places.

Anyways, the point is that Simon complains to me a lot about my ALLEGED lack of protection, and that it drives me up the (swan-excrement stained) wall.

To counter this I wish to spread some Low Bodyguard Positivity and have conned a new-age movement. Join me in my alleged movement. Live without 200 goons following you, just like me (allegedly). Get to know what it's like not to be constantly barraged with upkeep bills, I can tell you from alleged experience that it's quite relaxed. I can spend this alleged money on better things, not on donations to SimonTheSwanHunter, but on lavish Lobster Ravioli lunches in french bistros where the waitresses address me as "Monsieur WaffleStompeur".

Sep 17, 14:14:47     numqaut tried to WACK! you.

The proof of the pudding is in the eating of the bullet. Or in my case a lack of eating a bullet. Considering Quantum was already a mobster for 55 days we can conclude he must've been pretty fucking skilled with a gun, proving bodyguards are an antiquated idea which did not stand the test of time, ready to be swept away by the tide like the flimsy sandcastles GhostOfHeadcoach builds.

Low Bodyguard Positivity is here to STAY, ready to sweep the six cities like a storm and enlighten more minds. I'm writing an autobiography as we speak, which will be a nationwide bestseller, mark my fucking words.

Suck it Quantum.
Suck it SimonTheSwanHunter
Oblivion I will be awaiting a public apology for this vile attack on my life.

T. WaffleStompingChamp

How confident are you that SimonTheSwanHunter is referring to Bodyguards when he brings up your lack of "protection"?

I've heard stories about folk from Detroit and he does like to call himself "Big Si".

Oblivion I would like a public apology for Quantum's humiliating miss encouraging WaffleStompingChamp to insult me in a speech

Oblivion makes his way through the Detroit streets, holding his pants a bit higher as he dredges through the 12^th street overflow.

Forgive me if I don’t spend much time here, but I would like to apologize for the actions of Quantum, who turned the gun onto himself rather than face retribution for his actions.

I have invited SimonTheSwanHunter to discuss the matter.

SimonTheSwanhunter will you, for the love of God, please attend this public sitdown and give us an official statement co-signed by Detroit Freeloader twigs?

Thank you.

Someone shot at our beloved, not really, WaffleStompingChamp? And they missed? What is becoming of this world? Such a disapointing outcome for someone who hangs garbage on a pole.

You won't get much help from Simon, Mr. Waffle Stomper. He no longer cares about his crew or his city. He's going through a transition of sorts. A reckoning, really. Simon thought that if he became a Godfather and started calling himself "Big Si", that everyone would love and adore him. Instead, nobody calls him "Big Si" willingly and everyone considers WaffleStompingChamp to be the de facto Godfather of Detroit, while Simon is considered to be a worm.

Simon is becoming resentful towards his own city and crew for refusing to love him or call him "Big Si". He no longer looks out for their well being. Hitmen from other cities take shots at them like they are targets in some carnival game, while hits get posted on highly esteemed former Left-Hand Men for more millions of dollars than anyone in Detroit can afford. Simon is a man obsessed with his own image and glorification. He even started referring to himself in the third person. It only gets worse from here.

This is a dark day indeed. Not only did WaffleStompingChamp survive a wack attempt leaving him still in my employ, but I've even had to intercede on his behalf. A truly terrible position and one which none of us are happy with. Oblivion and I have been locked around the negotiating table, trying to hash out a suitable compensation deal. War has been delayed - for now and the concession of new lavatory for 12th Street to get the Ted stink out of there was well received and a step in the right direction. Unfortunately though, tensions are still running hot. The difficulty lies in knowing what value you can really attribute to life of an unfortunate dreg such as WaffleStompingChamp. $10,000,000? A pair of socks without holes in them? A pair of socks with holes in them? The scale is too broad to even truly comprehend.

I guess the only reasonable thing to do would be to establish a DT outpost in Las Vegas as suggested by someone, possibly Oblivion. I feel like the West is not truly understanding the charm of having their orbital bone broken before breakfast over a few dollars. We must do more to educate and spread the word of the Kingdom of Detroit, plus I might get rid of my irksome, useless and inept LHM. 

As he finishes speaking, Simon (or Big Si as most people had taken to calling him entirely unprompted) spotted Spikes former LHM, TomJoad making ANOTHER street appearance. Big Si was about to listen to what the old boy was saying when, just as Tom opened his falsies-filled mouth to begin some probably boring rhetoric about Omerta or how many degrees he has, he stepped forward towards a big pile of dog shit.

"Tom wait a second, don't-," but it was too late. Thunder thigh led cankle right into the depths of the turd heap, covering his battered brogues in excrement tongue-deep. Who could believe it? TomJoad was covered in shit again.

After that, whatever speech he might have been planning was completely ignored by the onlookers due to them having to intermittently cover their noses and point and laugh at stinky old Tom.