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| A Sit-Down with Ganelon. | Started by: TheSpacePope on Jul 14, '08 13:51 |
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Ok, so my mailbox has been POSITIVELY busting at its seams with requests for a follow-up to Ganelon's confessional. People cant seem to get enough of The Man Behind the Curtain. Well, actually I cant back that up. A few people with deep pockets feel that he got off WAY too easily last time. So without further ado, I present to you...a sit-down fireside chat with.....GANELON!!: It's been a long time in the making, that's for sure, but your fearless investigative reporter and spiritual adviser, The Space Pope, has FINALY managed to land a one-on-one interview with the great Ganelon, Chief Assistant here at MafiaReturns.com! Originally my requests for an interview went unanswered or flat out denied, but all that changed upon the release of Ganelon's confessional to public viewing. Now, The Space Pope is not one for blackmail and would certainly never admit to using something as sensitive as a confessional for his own gain, but what can I say? The Lord works in mysterious ways. Late Saturday night I was startled from my sleep by the phone ringing. It was well beyond the hour of decent conversation, but one never knows when a story is about to break, so...I answered. It was difficult to understand at first. The unidentified caller asked if my "refrigerator was running". I demanded to know who this was as the voice was familiar, but the circumstances were not. The caller asked again and when I replied "yes, of course" the caller broke into fits of laughter and told me that I "had better go catch it." Surely this wasn't who I thought it was, but the high squeaky timber of his voice was unmistakable. The Space Pope had previously sat though uncounted hours of that voice recounting, at length, and sometimes fabricating, at length, the various transgressions which had plagued his soul. "Ganelon?!" I asked. Silence. "Ganelon, is that you?" More silence and I was about ready to hang up, thinking my ears were playing tricks on me when the voice came again, preceded by a bit of coughing and an obvious attempt at lowering and intensifying it. "Er, yes, sorry. That uh...that was my nephew and I do apologize." "Ok", I replied, unsure of exactly what was happening. More of the "big-boy-voice": "Yes, well sorry to have disturbed you, sir. Goodnight." "WAIT!" I asked. Seizing an opportunity to speak with The Man directly, I pounced! "Listen, while I have you, I've been wanting to do a proper interview with you for months now, but I'm never able to get past your staffers. What do you say to a few beers at Morty's and some pool? Let's say tomorrow? We can knock out the interview there?" "HELL YEAH!" He said! "That would be fuckin' NUKE-U-LAR! Let's go get shitfaced and run some bitches!" "Well, uh...Sure!" So the date was set and I finally had my interview! The next day as I was just finishing dressing for our "night out" there was a knock at the door. I checked myself in the mirror just to verify that I'd chosen the right Papal hat, not too flashy, and when I answered, there stood a rather well dressed rhinoceros of a man packed into a very expensive suit. "Mr. Ganelon has sent a car for you, your eminence." "Well, he's got class, that's for sure." I thought. I followed the man out of the building and entered his car. My initial excitement quickly faded to worry as we turned in exactly the wrong direction from Morty's and began heading up into the hillsides, among the estates of many of our cities politicians. When I inquired as to where we were going the only thing I could get out of the rhino-chauffer was "Mr. Ganelon has decided it would be better to meet with you at his residence." I was still quite nervous, but decided not to press it. The Space Pope fears neither man nor beast and has faith in the power of the Almighty God to rain down hellfire and damnation upon any ignorant motherfucker who tries to double cross him. When we finally stopped in front of the great marble entry way at the Ganelon Estate I was escorted to the door and greeted by his Right and Left hand, Vendetta James and Jethro, both looking rather severe. "Mr. Ganelon apologizes for the change in plans, but he feels it would be more appropriate for a man of his position to conduct his interview in a more professional environment." Said Vendetta James. Jethro: "Right this way, please. Mr. Ganelon hopes your drive was pleasant." As I followed Ganelon's two assistants down a long museum-like corridor I responded that, although a bit unexpected this development was, I was not shaken and still happy to have a chat with Ganelon. Neither of them turned to follow up on that. At length I was ushered into a VAST rec room populated with pinball machines, model trains and Legos as far as the eye could see. The noise was tremendous as various bells and alarms spontaneously announced a winner of some sort and after making my way around the indoor go-kart track we found a small corner of the room with four stiff wooden chairs. Vendetta James directed me toward one and as I was just about to take my seat a large steam whistle split my ear drums! I turned to sort out the noise and was surprised to find a very giddy Ganelon riding atop a large model steam locomotive as it emerged through a tunnel in the wall. He pulled the whistle cord a few more times and beamed at us as he approached the miniature Old West style train depot. The train stopped, complete with realistic hissing steam and he hopped off and bounced toward us! "HEEEEY! WHAZZAAAAP, HOMIE! How'd you like this place!? Eh? It rocks, don't it!? FUCKIN ROCKS!! You should try the Dance Revolution game, we got it rigged up so it don't take quarters! Hey! Wanna beer?" There is much more to this man than I had previously thought. I turned to have a look at Vendetta and Jethro who both stood, with looks of thinly running patience in their eyes. "Sure!" I said, what do you have? "Molson Canadian, Guinness, Budweiser, and some fucked up Wheat Beer shit." Partial to Guinness myself, I indicated as such and happily took it when Ganelon bubbled over to me. No sooner had I received my cold beverage than a very stern looking Vendetta James snatched the drinks from both our hands and replaced them with Frescas. "Ganelon, you know it isn't proper to drink beer on a professional basis." I looked at the Great Chief Assistant for some kind of reaction to this but he merely poked his bottom lip out and hopped up onto his chair, feet swinging morosely above the floor. "Your Holiness," said Jethro. "Mr. Ganelon is a very busy man, as I imagine you are as well, so may we please begin the interview?" At this point I could merely shrug and comply. So... Let's begin, shall we? The Interview: The Space Pope: So, Ganelon. How long have you been with the Mafia? Vendetta James: Mr. Ganelon is not associated with the Mafia or any other illegal activities. Such allegations are merely rumor. GAN: (Says nothing) TSP: When did you join up with the Admin group? VJ: Mr. Ganelon has been professionally involved with creative development and overall design for a number of years now. TSP: Pointedly directing this at Ganelon himself Is that so? Jethro: Yes it is. TSP: How do you like working for Squishy? JO: Mr. Ganelon and Squishy get along very well and enjoy an efficient and highly productive relationship. TSP: Right. TSP: What's it like working with the famous Vendetta James? Ganelon looks up at Vendetta hopefully and opens his mouth, but is quickly cut short. VJ: Mr. Ganelon and I get on quite well. TSP: Ok, anything YOU'D like to add to that, Ganelon? JO: NO. TSP: Sorry, would you mind actually letting Ganelon here answer his own questions? VJ: Certainly. JO: Absolutely! TSP: Thank you. TSP: Do you miss having a regular life of crime like everyone else, or do you find being an Admin more rewarding? JO: As Mr. Ganelon said, he is not involved with any illegitimate or illegal activities and finds that his duties in Administration are quite rewarding. At this point Ganelon, apparently bored, hops down from his chair and wanders over a LARGE plasma TV. He opens a cabinet the size of a moving van and positively crammed with various games and their systems. He punches a button on, what looks like, a PlayStation 3. A moment later the giant splash screen fills the TV in all its High-Def glory and the intro music to the game Rock Band blasts over the room. Ganelon Slings his guitar strap around his shoulders and goes to work at the arduous task of "Fighting for his right to PAAAARTY"! Still unwilling to let this interview go to waste, from this point I do my best to shout my questions over the heads of Ganelon's two handlers. TSP: Yelling What is your favorite part of being an Admin? Ganelon, singing with his game and rocking out with unprecedented ferocity: While the rest of them dudes were'a gettin' their kicks, Buddy, beg your pardon, I was getting mine! JO: What Mr. Ganelon means is that we, as assistants, all have our various jobs to do and are just happy to be involved with the advancement of the community. TSP: What do you like the least? VJ: Mr. Ganelon has no complaints at this time. TSP: Any advice for gangsters who might want to join the Admin team? GAN, still singing: Sleep with one eye open, Gripping your pillow tiiiiiiiiieght!! EEEEXIT LIIIIIIGHT, EEEEEENTERRRRR NIIIEEEEGHT! TSP: How old are you now? VJ: Mr. Ganelon prefers to keep personal information like that private. TSP: Is this what you wanted to be now that you're all grown up? JO: Yes, it is. TSP: Do you have any hobbies? Any sports? Maybe extracurricular activities? Art? Debate maybe? VJ: Mr. Ganelon enjoys quite a few activities including reading and watching the occasional baseball game. Mr. Ganelon prefers no particular activity over another. TSP: What sort of music do you listen to? JO: Mr. Ganelon appreciates a wide range of music which is both multi-cultural and entertaining. Mr. Ganelon does not lean towards one genre or another. TSP: How does your background help you as an Admin? GAN: But I'm a creep I'm a weirdo What the hell am I doin' here? I don't belong here, ohhhh, ohhhh TSP: What do you think about the most recent war? GAN: War, children, it's just a shot away It's just a shot away War, children, it's just a shot away It's just a shot away VJ: What Mr. Ganelon means to say is that, while regrettable, it seems that war is often necessary. He feels that diplomacy should be the first among many options on the table, one cant help but feel, at times, that war is..."just a shot away." Hence the need for us all to redouble our efforts to bond together in unity. TSP: Can you address allegations of favoritism and unfair advantages given to certain CL's? GAN: Wait, they don't love you like I love you Wait, they don't love you like I love you! JO: Mr. Ganelon will be happy to debate any legally obtained evidence, and will state clearly that, as you said, these allegations are just that: Allegations and allegations only. Mr. Ganelon and the rest of the Administration team work tirelessly to maintain the integrity of the Five Cities and her residents. TSP: What about the rumors that the UN made use of imperfect coding in their guns? GAN: Run and tell all of the angels This could take all night. Think I need a devil to help me get things right Hook me up a new revolution 'Cause this one is a lie I sat around laughing and watched the last one die VJ: As Mr. Ganelon said, he will be happy to confront and debunk any legally gathered evidence. Anything else is just hearsay and will not be responded to. TSP: What do you think about the current Auth system? VJ: Mr. Ganelon feels that it is important for the citizens to lead themselves as much as they see fit and he will not attempt to take sides one way or another. TSP: Would you rather see CL's Authing new leaders or should they just start a crew when they can and prove they deserve it by holding on? JO: Once again, Mr. Ganelon will not attempt to take sides one way or another. TSP: Do you think the treatment of, so called, rogues is fair as it stands now? GAN: Freak out and give in Doesn't matter what you believe in Stay cool And be somebody's fool this year 'Cause they know who is righteous, what is bold So I'm told... JO: Mr. Ganelon feels that everyone deserves a fair chance to make it as far as they can in the Five Cities. However, Mr. Ganelon cannot comment on non-specific instances of alleged mistreatment of our residents. TSP: What is the fastest way to rank up? Can you let us in on your system? GAN: Steal me, deal me, anyway you heal me Maim me, tame me, you can never change me Love me, like me, come ahead and fight me Please me, tease me, go ahead and leave me. VJ: What Mr. Ganelon meant by that is you, as an up-and-comer, must utilize all resources at your disposal. Obviously Mr. Ganelon will not confirm or deny the efficacy of one method over another. TSP: Where do you think the game should go? VJ: Mr. Ganelon is currently working on quite a few projects with clear direction from Squishy and FullMetal regarding the progress on the game. Mr. Ganelon feels that he is not in a position to speak for either Squishy or FullMetal. TSP: Boxers or briefs? JO: Mr. Ganelon thanks you so much for your time, your Grace and hopes that this puts an end to any further requests for his time. Mr. Ganelon is very happy to have met with you today and looks forward to reading its publication in the near future. Mr. Ganelon also wishes to make it clear that he will appreciate an advanced copy of this interview before it hits the press. As we stand I attempt to walk toward Ganelon, lost in his Rock Star fantasy, but the rhinoceros-chauffer quickly hoisted off the floor by the belt loops and "walked" me down the hallway leading out. Upon the opening of the doors I am set, rather gingerly upon the stoop. I turn to ask if I can just have a few more moments but the great oak doors are slammed closed and bolted, nearly taking my nose off with them. As I began to walk toward the street a window on the second floor pops open and Ganelon hangs his head out to shout my way. "HEY MAN, WE SHOULD HANG OUT! COME OVER ANY TIME! WE'LL GO ROLL THE TOWN, MAN, TEAR SHIT UP, YOU KNOW!?" This is quickly followed by Vendetta James griping him by the arm. "Now, now. Its time for your nap, Mr. Pope is quite busy and you still have your chores to do." Ganelon, "LETS HANG, MAN! CALL ME!!" The window is quickly shut and I turn away, my head spinning. Oh well. With no car in sight and apparently no provisions for my return, I manage to hail a cab and make my way home. So there you have it folks. A glimpse into the mind of Ganelon! Chief Assistant! Hope you enjoy! TheSpacePope is always looking for new victims. If you know someone worthy of a public humiliation, send cash and a good reason why. Love you long time! -TheSpacePope- |
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| Apparently we had Six cities! Who knew? Hopefully New Orleans doesnt feel too left out. I'll make it up to you, promise. | |
| Reply by: TheSpacePope at Jul 14, '08 13:57 | |
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Loving the repeated 'five cities' theme. I always told you guys that Los Angeles doesn't matter. Who the hell goes to Los Angeles!? Excellent interview, TheSpacePope. I look forward to reading the rest and having one of my signature sausages inhaled because I'm laughing so darn hard. |
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| Reply by: Vienna at Jul 14, '08 13:59 | |
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Great interview! But we need to decide on a city to destroy, LA, New Orleans?! I'm all for taking out New York myself! |
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| Reply by: Rhuarc at Jul 14, '08 14:03 | |
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| Destroy LA its pointless :) | |
| Reply by: JohnnyTorrio at Jul 14, '08 14:38 | |
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Keep New Orleans :) I think LA and LV are both simalar so it would be much better one them go |
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| Reply by: LilWayne at Jul 14, '08 16:12 | |
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The Space Popes rubs his temples Seven pages of interview and we get stuck on what city to destroy. I'd laugh if I wasnt so tired. The Space Pope chuckles softly and shakes his head. |
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| Reply by: TheSpacePope at Jul 14, '08 16:31 | |
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| One question that wasn't asked was how our dear Ganelon gets on the airplane. Is their not a minimum height? | |
| Reply by: DrFeelgood at Jul 15, '08 00:55 | |
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| Haha DrFeelgood! Now thats funny! | |
| Reply by: Coroner at Jul 15, '08 01:51 | |
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DFG, Truly brilliant. I can only sympathise that the majority will ignore it as it is over two paragraphs long. Seriously good work. |
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| Reply by: Oompa_Loompa at Jul 15, '08 05:54 | |
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And when I said DFG, I did of course mean TSP. *Goes back to the chocolate factory in only a semi gay way* |
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| Reply by: Oompa_Loompa at Jul 15, '08 06:01 | |
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Thank you for the positive reviews. So who's next then? |
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| Reply by: TheSpacePope at Jul 15, '08 12:29 | |
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"I think we should develop some kind of ruse? Like a big hugfest! During this hugfest, we should send out Ganelon to take the brunt force of the hugs whilst the rest of us set the city up for a big explosion." Congratz Ganelon.....your warbling has come in handy for once!" "Three cheers for Ganelon! Hip hip......" Dr Bunsen walks off |
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| Reply by: DrBunsenHoneydew at Jul 15, '08 13:16 | |
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