Coach's Pizza Palace is now HIRING for our minimum-wage LHM position, seeking ambitious young service workers to help run the oldest Mafia Pizza establishment in the Greater Detroit Metro Area. 

Joining Coach's Pizza Palace is about the greatest of all pursuits: the perfect Mafia Pizza.

Benefits include:
- Room for upwards mobility, provided Bret will almost certainly get himself killed
- No pressure to perform crimes or drug running, given our 100% tax rate on illegal activities
- No risk of being bothered by shot reports, earnings competitions or forwarded mails about auths, restructurings or who lost their HQ to inactivity this week (good chance it's us), among a host of other things we don't care about
- Access to the restaurant basketball and alleyway hoop
- No shot reports (Incogs welcome!)

You also will not need to accept SimonTheSwanHunter as your Godfather-Chairman, as we are not a mafia family and do not operate under his jurisdiction. 

Employment at Coach's Pizza Palace is about leaving behind a life of crime and recidivism, to begin making something of yourself beyond a miserable, brown-nosing existence as the lackey for some perpetually-panting Mafia Don. Eala is living proof of it, their CTE-mangled brain squished into soup by so many muggings you'll hear languages that haven't been invented yet every time they speak.

Though we expect hard work and diligence in exchange for your weekly salary, we have fun too: on Friday nights, we'll each take a shot at SimonTheSwanHunter's weakest bodyguards over a round of non-alcoholic beers. 

But be warned, any slacking off, mistakes, errors or issues will be punished with severe wounds to SimonTheSwanHunter's weakest bodyguards. 

So come get a Mafia Pizza pie and let's talk about your future at Coach's Pizza Palace.

Ever since Taupe stole my spot as LHM to FutureScare I have drifted through life like a sad turd. Soggy. Smelly. Alone. 

It ruined my life. I want to live again.

Last week I was present in this world for 0.32 hours. I believe this makes me a viable candidate for many reason, the main one being it is guaranteed to get your name in lights down on OOC Avenue, and because there's a very good chance I will not make it to 1 hour and you will lose your Headquarters.

Please hire me.

Drieza please authorise my departure and ascension.

I am not in the mood for cooking pizza, but I am in the mood for ordering a pizza, sending it back because its too cold, re-receiving my pizza microwaved/soggy but warm, sending it back again because I find it too hot now, receiving the lukewarm pizza of my dreams I desire, sending it back again because it has a dead fly on it, receiving a NEW pizza, sending it back this time because there's a severe lack of Lobster on it AND it's too cold, receiving a pristine pizza the third time around (third time's the charm after all) and then leaving a generous 1% tip for the waiter.

What flavours have you got cookin'?

I demand a menu.