Today children I'm going to walk you through 12 simple steps on how to survive this cold world we live in and verse you all in proven military tactics to prevent/survive a bashing.

1. Always carry a cuntishly large hat people assume authority, then forget what you said. It also hides baldness, nobody trusts a barl head.

2. If threatened, perform a semi believable lie “I think the mrs is banging the meat man” exit. Works 50% of the time, all of the time.

3. Keep emergency cannolis in your pocket. Instant respect, mobsters love a cannoli, keep an emergency one between your arse cheeks for your enemies. "you got the last chocolate one, ye bastard"

4. When in doubt, compliment someone’s shoes "These shoes" and moon walk out of there. Nobody would suspect a thing. "he he"

5. Announce frequent 'shit breaks' Nobody argues with a man who is sitting on the toilet, also provides an escape route if needed. "Hey I'm going to drop the kids off" whoosh see ya.

6. Own a tiny pet, treat it like a family member, Invite it to all major decisions, "fluffy, bark twice if we should stick a rat up Dom's arse". Proper lunatic, fluffy could go far in this bis.

7. Respond to insults like a idiot. “Are you feeling okay? Do you need some water? Hows your mother?” No one will take you seriously. perfect.

8. Have a signature movement, a noncommittal shrug. Use it for every decision you make, you've effectively agreed and disagreed to all options.

9. In the event of a shootout always pretend to get a phone call - Random phone rings "Must be me Ma" walk away, leaving everyone confused, but unsuspecting because who doesn't love their Ma.

10. Wear sunglasses at night, who wears sunglasses at night. Mysterious? Stupid? Idiot? "wow your bald head, get a hat or something, good job i got these sunglasses" Enough said, never miss a shot due to the glare off your mans barl head.

11. Keep a stash of fucking mental business cards, 'Tony's Stuff 'N' Stuff'. No one wants to fuck with a guy who will slit your throat then stick your head on the matle.

12. When accused, blame it on someone who's not in the room, preferably the guy taking a shit. no.5 anybody? who cares he can escape out the window..OH fuck thats me!