PlagueDoctor awkwardly walks up onto the stand, his hand rubbing his now sore and otherwise recently fingered asshole. He stumbles around a bit, his balance otherwise heavily restricted, before gathering the attention of the audience.

"I think it's about time us mafioso discussed a recent epidemic of, how should I put this, platonic pickpocketing. Recently, I've had various fingers from across the country inside of my cheeks near-consistently, often every hour. While some of these aren't particularly concerning, others seem to be poking their fingers a bit too far...as if they're searching for something else other than my definitely-not recently pilfered dollars that I earned entirely legitimately myself."

He adjusts his pants, grimacing slightly as he does, wiggling around as he tries to adjust the padding put in place to reduce some of the swelling.

"As we all know, the art of pickpocketing is a staple of the typical gangster. It's one of the first things you learn to do early on, and it's a great and versatile skill in the long run. There's nothing inherently wrong about pickpocketing, but perhaps we might have something wrong with the way it's conducted."

"While I am sure most pickpockets tend to be...consensual, and others are of no harm whatsoever (like those upon those vile members of the Durden crew or the painfully oblivious cops on our streets), recently there seems to be an increase of pickpocketing where a few extra fingers are slipping into one's crack. While I am not against kink shaming of any degree, being a doctor of sorts myself, most people typically will not know where those fingers have been. Most people definitely won't even know where that asshole has been either!"

PlagueDoctor shuffles his jacket and adjusts his position.

"Maybe I am over-exaggerating here, or maybe my asshole is unusually large and open for the taking, nor do I have any ability to prevent or even attempt to discourage the practice of such, but it seems more and more people tend to be going a bit deeper than usual."

"Even in those rare instances where you DO manage to spot your unsolicited fondler, and you drop your things and catch up to them to give them a well-deserved beatdown, it seems to just encourage more people to start surfing the waves beyond your undergarments. You could literally finish beating someone to a pulp, and, the moment you stand up, still covered in the blood of whoever was unfortunate enough to not get away in time, now find another three fingers poking around your asshole."

"I'm sorry for being crass here, but we might have a problem. I even hear reports of people mumbling something about "getting a sudden rush of adrenaline" after fingering someone's asshole, and they immediately go off to do it again to someone else."

He shakes his head, struggling to comprehend the true reality of the situation.

"I'm wondering if the "rush" one gets from getting away with someone's dried poop flakes (and whatever cash they had on hand, of course) is becoming too insatiable to walk away from. Perhaps some of us get off to such activities. There's no risk in poking through the jungles of our piss-poor police force or even the durdens sworn as our enemies; these two forces are about as dull as bricks anyway. Or, they tend to be giant fucking pussies and scream like little girls when you make an attempt. Probably the latter."

"Knowing you have a chance of getting your head shoved in your own ass after fingering someone and still doing it is a weird reality I'm coming to terms with. I think everyone just likes butts. I also might just be projecting, but now I've got a doctor's visit to attend to about my own bruised asshole. I'm not exaggerating, but if you're gonna be sticking your fingers in there, don't probe around so hard next time."

He waddles off like a penguin, hand still clutching his bruised behind.

I said to "go live out your sexual fantasies in a library", which, for normal people, means finding the romance section, picking out the dirtiest, nastiest book they've got, then going and jacking off in a bathroom somewhere - PlagueDoctor

PlagueDoctor, do you find that what you're experiencing here to be a welcome change of pace from your usual dalliances with a thick novel in the solitude of library bathrooms? 

Does Pepita Jimenez not do it for you anymore? 

TextBasedMafiaRPGMan, perhaps, it certainly brings more spice than what one tends to be familiar with. I am unfamiliar with such a novel though, if you would be so kind as to enlighten us on the topic.

I wouldn't think I'd need to, PD, you've had plenty of time behind locked doors in public institutions to make your way through the majority of the erotic canon. 

As far as I recall those bridges burned long ago, but I'll let the local library know you've still got a collection willing to donate!

I'm surprised you're still on speaking terms with the local administration, given the state of the books you've been returning. 

Jezabel quietly throws away the "Pickpocket me!" Sign she was just trying to stick to PlagueDoctor's back.

After that whole… saga, all I’m saying is this:

Buddy, for your sake, you’d better pray I don’t run into you in locals. My fingers have suddenly developed ambitions.

Hearing the concerning issue that PlagueDoctor has been facing, Dixxon was grossed out.

"PlagueDoctor, can you please let me know who's fingers went a little too far? I want to make sure those individuals wash their hands before they greet me." he said.

Dixxon shook his head and lit up a cigarette to relax his stress.

Matt, I really want to explore New York eventually. I might have to start wearing a few extra layers of pants around the Big Apple…now I’m terrified it might not be enough…

While I would love to lend the names of those whose fingers have otherwise explored past my personal bubble…most of them seem to be a little too good at their job. Be wary around the hands of others, Dixxon, I fear you might have to bring a few dozen bottles of sanitizer with you at all times. Can’t be safe enough nowadays…

Cheeks shakes his head in agreement just as his own pockets are combed over by yet another Invisible assailant.

I have to agree with you on this one.  Back in my day, people had honor and dare I say, enough respect to ask first before they penetrated my clappers.  It seems to me that people are just scared little children now and that where said rush comes from.  Getting a rush from something so simple is just tells me how much of of a coward they really are.