Comrades and Nonrades. 

First of all I thank SlimRagnarok for his call to action for a weekly city paper. A noble idea. A visionary concept. This publication, however, will most likely, due to overwhelming un popular demand, not be weekly. 

LA FINALLY STOPS KILLING ITSELF

We begin in Los Angeles where the mass suicides have finally ceased. It is a beautiful thing to walk down the street and not hear another member of The Deans loudly blowing their brains out over the afternoon lunch specials. We still do not know what happened during that Dean-Winchester camping trip. May the forest never tell its tale. We are also very relieved that BigTed did not attend the trip considering his strong and demonstrated proclivity for shooting himself .

SCOTLAND WINS BY DEFAULT AGAIN

Next we celebrate the glorious rise of @ChickentCat who has now been proclaimed the finest Scottish gangster of our age. The competition was admittedly limited but a win is a win. The clans rejoice. Bagpipes play. Someone deep fries a Mars bar as sacred law demands.

LIAM RETURNS TO THE GULAG FOR HIS LOYALTY CARD STAMP

Over in the Gulag we witnessed the triumphant return of LiamGallagher for a second tour. Rumour has it this was due to an unfortunate incident involving one of Shane_Stetson employees. The details remain foggy but one thing is certain. We are grateful Liam is still among the living considering Shane’s impressive history of sending accountants to their final audit.

FUTURE’S HQ DETONATES FROM LACK OF FUTURE

Recent events saw the HQ of FutureScare erupt into the sky. Reports indicate she was too busy doing better things with her time and the building decided to embrace independence. It did not go well.

BROOKLYN HQ LEFT IN BABY’S HANDS. EXPLODES IMMEDIATELY

Meanwhile in Brooklyn another headquarters detonated after it was left in the capable hands of a literal infant. Scientists now confirm that babies remain unqualified to run criminal organisations. More updates pending but optimism is low, Verso declined to comment. 

ROLEYTHERAT CONTINUES BREATHING. BOOKMAKERS REJOICE

In unexpected news Roley. Also known in suspicious alleyways as RoleyTheRat. Continues to live. Some welcome his survival. Others groan. The bookmakers however celebrate. Wagers are now open on whether he lasts another sixty two days. 

CITY LEADERS DECLARE A PERIOD OF PRODUCTIVE INACTIVITY

A strange hush has fallen over every headquarters as leaders across the six cities enter what experts are calling Productive Inactivity. Offices remain open but no one appears to be inside them. Plans are being considered. Decisions are being reviewed. The streets remain peaceful.

NEIGHBORHOOD WATCH WARNS OF TERRORISTS WHO PLAY TRIVIA

A public safety warning has been issued. Citizens should be vigilant for suspicious individuals. Warning signs include activity. Participating in trivia. Entering shooting events. And gravely serious behaviour such as Handing for crews in Detroit. If you witness such acts. Remain calm. Pretend you saw nothing.

FATHER AND SON DIE IN GULAG. WIN FAMILY OF THE YEAR

Finally we pay respects to Peter and his son who achieved the rare honour of dying in the Gulag back to back. A touching family moment if you kindly overlook everything about it.

Give LiamGallagher THREE hats...he survived me too, unlike the late UglyInbredGeorge. I'll make a special Kaboom hat, the Boom Crews makeshift version of the Gulag's ushanka.

There are bets on Roley's ability to survive? Why was I not invited? No one hates Roley more than I do. 

Although rats are on the smaller side, slip through cracks and what not. Perhaps there can be plots with cheese. First I must run my ideas through Roley to see if he could succumb to his fate on the date I obviously will bet on. 

Settle down, Stetson. George would have taken a piss in your hat.

"Un"popular demand?!?! Given that this is the only newspaper posted here innnnnn...a month, apparently, it automatically receives a 5-star publication review due to lack of competition. I say the demand still runs high!

Perhaps this "productive inactivity" virus needs to be batted out. I'm not sure if my expertise in this field is satisfactory enough. You would think that SlimRagnarok throwing a pretty penny at anyone willing to publish weekly editorials would drive up some more faces!

We might need some interviews enacted around various cities to find some news worth making. I hear babies are attempting to install more headquarters within various cities. I will not comment on the various corpses of infants found stashed in multiple locations within Queens and Paradise. Dynamite sales are through the roof recently...

Dean walks out into the streets sees the first headline.

"Tony you're going to be my 13th reason."

Natasha made her way over to her comrade leader, TonyTheTailor, to comment on the new paper. She reminded herself of the new term collectively decided by confirmed comrades, Nonrade... someone who is not a comrade and is jealous of the fashionable ushanka. There were plenty of these jealous nonrades amongst us. "Oh well", she thought to herself. They knew how to prove themselves if and when they had the balls.

Natasha wanted to make sure she addressed two things; the gulag loyalty stamp card, and the poor kin of Peter and Pops.

"Nonrades, I must say, it is quite an achievement to make it through the gulag once, but completing the tour twice is a serious accomplishment. Comrade LiamGallagher is a true testament of man, and comrade. Perhaps we will see him wear the double ushanka one day."

She took a brief moment to collect herself as she tried to remember her fallen Associate Comrade.

"Nonrades is a term used by comrades to differentiate those who have not gone through the gulag. However, perhaps a new term should be created for those who had the balls to enter the gulag but failed to make it through. Just like the two timer, LiamGallagher, we should recognize a bloodline's willingness to try multiple times to prove themselves. And these folks would be in a higher tier compared to the lesser nonrade."

After her rant of explaining her thoughts, she lowered her head.

"To the father and son duo that died in the gulag, may they continue to rest in peace."