Philly Funny - Issue 2

It was a quiet week. I suspect something sinister is brewing. Perhaps people are just busy entertaining relatives...it is that time of year. Plus its cold. Weaklings travel less in the cold. Anyway, short issue this week. If you don't like it do something worth writing about while in Philly. Though, if you hurt anyone from Philly I'll kill everyone you love and everyone they love. Well, that got out of hand quickly...

Factual Encounters

Encounter 1

A person has reached out to our publication and wanted to share their story with the world. They were fully vetted and their story is utterly true. Their identity will remain a secret and you'll soon know why. 

BigEasy, "In your own words, tell us exactly what happened"

Person, "Well, I just want to start by saying that I'm telling the truth. It may sound odd but hopefully you'll be able to reach out to a couple people and they can confirm the story because I wasn't the only person there."

BigEasy, "Take your time. We are listening."

Person, "I saw the Right Hand Man of a Godfather Chairman ask for uppies"

BigEasy, "Go on."

Person, "They held out their arms, straight into the air, and said out loud, 'Uppies'. I couldn't believe it."

BigEasy, "Who was it?".

Person, "That's all I'm willing to say until you gather more proof and other sources but when you do I'll verify."

Encounter 2

Anyone who encounters an abnormally sized man covered in fur and wearing an ushanka in South Philly please contact BigEasy. Witnesses have said they've seen glimpses with one person claiming the thing is more creature than man. One thing is for certain, I will get to the bottom of this. 

Ad Break

Due to my unthoughtful nature and generally being an ass, I forgot to praise a very special man whom is very dear to me - really dear to all of us in Philly.

BENNY The Butcher

He is perhaps the worlds greatest pickpocket but more importantly...He has the finest steaks and chops in Philly, no ALL of the land. If you are last minute to host a part, he will make sure your grill is sizzling with the best cuts of meat. His price range goes from the finest Brahman and Angus cuts, to qualities affordable to the lowly moster just having lost most of his fortune dicing it up. Prices vary, contact Benny in person for more details. 

Interviews

Shane_Stetson

BigEasy, "Can you tell me what Philly is like?"

Shane, "Philly really the city of brotherly love. You've got one brother who flexes his muscles, immensely built if I must say! And then you've got another that is a stone cold Russian dude, who will claw down a bear with just his hands and has a bunch of cool hats. Then you've got me, one who isn't a stranger to blowing things up. That smell of Dynamite, oh! Out of all our craziness, we come together to take care of our big Philly family."

BigEasy, "Who do you prefer DarwinRoss or God?"

Shane, "DarwinRoss IS God. That man never gets sick, he can lift a horse, and always has a great smile. The man is at the top of the food chain in the natural selection. Someone like poor Spike or UglyInbredGeorge could only hope to be like him."

BigEasy, "Peanut butter and jelly or thanksgiving leftovers?"

Shane, "PB and J for sure. That gooey peanut butter and scrumptious jelly...you know who makes a great PB and J sandwich? Darwin. That man can cook like no one's business."

No jokes were stolen.

No ambushes were successful.

No noteworthy deaths.

If it happens in Philly, I'll cover it. Until next week.