Philly Funny

This week saw some interesting events unfold in Philadelphia. We start with perhaps the single most important event that has ever occurred...one that the people of Philly were in an absolute outrage over...

Dec 14, 15:03:43 An unidentified assailant tried to PICKPOCKET you.

My pocket cash boy informed me that someone was seen attempting to go through my pockets....do I really care? No. Its about principal though. So, as I was defiled I did what any sensible person in my position would do. I reached out through the contacts and put out notice to the entirety of Philly.  

Subject: FIND THE TRAITOR

Task: Decipher the clues and identify the no good scoundrel daring enough to try my pockets.

 The best of the best were on the case...or so I thought. 

TheTrashTruck reported, "I caught a glimpse of a man approximately six feet tall, he looked to be wearing a hat made of dead rodent fur. Red hair. Dark jacket. Carrying a flashlight and looked incredibly suspicious."

This lead was a dead end. Lets just say someone you don't know for sure wasn't doing something that would completely embarrass them if everyone found out. 

I tasked TheTrashTruck with investigating further but that was a bust. Perhaps we'll learn more next week.

The assailant is as of now still unidentified and everyone should be on the look out. Keep your loved ones close and you cash even closer. 

Shots Ring Out!

People took it upon themselves to, finally, take out DarwinRoss. Unfortunately they missed, again. I really need to see about hiring a better level of hitman. I am not getting my moneys worth with these duds. 

It did however lead to an interesting situation in which TonyTheTailor set out to lay down the law and was immensely successful both in tracking down the perps and handling business. So much so that it caught the eye of a few people. How did Tony know where the person was hiding out almost instantly? It was mere minutes after the echoes of the original shots died when Tony was dragging the body to the HQ. It made me raise and eyebrow and think I need to investigate further into why Tony is already so much more successful than...well, me. 

Additional thoughts on the matter were questions about whether the rampaging lunatic acted alone or not. There were other deaths in line that had suspicious timing. Investigation occurred but no concrete evidence could be obtained. I interrogated one perp for nearly an hour even though the doctor assured me that a dead man couldn't say anything. At one point I thought he coughed but it was apparently just gas exiting the body. 

American Gulag? Guantanamo? 

Our dearest leader, DarwinRoss, is a Gulag survivor. This has made me envious. I'm considering open up the American Gulag and naming it The Guantanamo. I'll take any suggestions about names. Also, about what exactly it would be. Whatever it becomes we for sure have to make fun of the people who do the Gulag because obviously they are afraid of [Insert Name]. 

Detroit Crew in Philly

Still currently unauthorized. Please contact your closest Detroit member and let them know BigEasy needs to get authed in Philly. Why? Exactly!

Age is a number, not a disease...

Guest column as told by Tussyy

Tussyy takes a drag of his 11th cigarette during the interview, and looks BigEasy dead in the eyes.

'So, I understand you were looking to find out how someone like me is still kicking in this thing of ours eh? Well, let me tell you, it isn't easy.' He once again takes a drag, and then sighs heavily. 'You see, you don't get to where I am without losing a good few friends along the way. Hell, back when I was a youngster the power balance lay completely differently! I remember distinctly wandering around the streets of LA, my predecessor recently laid to rest in the collapse of Tykki_Miki's LA empire and the fall of DeadIrishman's last stand, with no-one to aid me or where I could take shelter.' Once more he draws long on his cigarette before crushing it out and sipping his brandy. 'It became a case of hiding. I spent most of my days jumping from back alley to back alley in different cities across the nation. For a while I found a little hideyhole in Detroit. Hell, more than once I woke up in the gutters freezing, wondering if I should even try to continue.'

Tussyy fell silent for a while, his eyes misting up at the memories coming back to haunt him. He has a calm, cool, and collected air about him, however it was plain as day that this was causing him some discomfort.

'Then, one day, I was back in the ruins of LA. This was at the height of the Ligambi reign, dominating the region and beyond. I was walking through the old neighborhoods I once roamed routinely, and came across The Church of Tussy. Once a well respected figurehead in what was once a dazzling building, now but a distant memory in a ruin. Then it hit me. Literally.'

Tussyy softly chuckles to himself remembering the note that got thrown in his face by a passing urchin.

'It was a little note, wrapped in paper with a familiar mark on it. One I had not seen in many a month, and which filled my heart with joy instantly. Amira had managed to find me and arranged to meet. Someone from old. Someone I loved dearly and thought lost forever. Someone who supported me and helped me grow through all my trials and tribulations. It's lessons that were so engrained, I'd forgotten they ever needed learning in the first place.'

He sighed, then continued.

You see, to me, it just seems so obvious now. You don't live long by being the strongest, the best protected, the most loved....that's all well and good, but these are just "things" you can be. Now, who you ARE is a different matter. How you live, what rules you follow, how you go about your daily business....that's where life comes from. Living by the old rules - Omerta, Respect, Loyalty.....these things are earned, and it matters not whether they are competition, opposition, or even the enemy.....if they're earned respect, they deserve respect from you. If someone has proven to earn your loyalty, you give it without question! It matters not if you agree, but respect what they believe to be true.'

Looking up at BigEasy he could see the confusion on his face.

'Let me speak simply - I live for the people I love. I could have decided to stay hidden, growing old in the shadows and isolation, but I came back out as more and more people I knew came to the fore once more. I am still here out of respect for those who aided me, in loyalty to those who earned it, and the responsibility to pass on these lessons to the next generation! None of us started knowing it all, and all of us will die not knowing everything there is to. So why not share what we learned along the way? I am a very old man now, who has seen empires rise and fall, wars decimate districts, vendettas violate the old laws, and the cyclic nature of life in our profession. By living true to who I am, and exemplifying it, I have found a way to live a long and happy life.'

Another fantastic paper that tells me much to the inner workings of Philadelphia.

I truly hope you and your investigative team find the disgusting bodyguard checker. I personally haven't been checked myself, but should someone do it? Well, I may just poop my pants, or something to that effect.

I'm sorry to hear that Darwin was shot at again, I can relate to that.

Dec 14, 13:32:14     Someone attempted to WACK! you.

My bodyguards had informed me that some overweight ginger man tossed a loaded gun at me. I wasn't quite sure if it was an attempt on my life or if it was a cry for help. Unluckily for me I'll never find out who shot me.. Although, the only ginger I know is TonyTheTailor...

HMMM

Oh no. My plot to secure GFC has been discovered.

 Would you mind answering a few questions for next weeks issue, TonyTheTailor ?

Another fantastic paper that tells me much to the inner workings of Philadelphia.

Or just my insane thought process.  

Dec 14, 13:32:14     Someone attempted to WACK! you.

Would you mind answering a few questions for next weeks issue, Beluga ? 

I will have to have my secretary Mary look through my very busy week, but likely, yes.

As a secretary do I get to wear skirts?

milk stumbles out of the nearest bar and couldn't decipher what BigEasy said... after all, he was just buying tanks and fighter jets. 

The gulag can't be replicated.  It is pure. It is sound.  It is comrade.  

the Guantanamo will never be comparable to the gulag. you are second string. maybe even third string

 we have comrades nationwide.

the gulag cannot be replicated.  you can try, but you will fail.  a ushanka is earned and to be looked up upon.  

I dare you, enter the gulag.  If you survive, I will put the ushanka on your head myself... but until then, there is no comparison.  we are the elite, we are comrades, expect us. 

I may not have entered the gulag, and I probably never will... Not because I am scared, but because I am so unaware of my surroundings that bullets flying around my head have no effect on me whatsoever...

Speaking of, Apparently I was shot at earlier in the month as well.

Either I am blind and stupid, or the shooter has such terrible aim that the bullet was not even in the same block as me...

Luckily, I am not a Beluga, so a block is quite a big area for me, not so much for him...