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| Tea Time! | Started by: Marietta on Jul 21, '08 01:29 |
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Tea Time: Gossip Tabloid Your Source For One-Hundred Percent Unreliable News You don't like us, and we sure as hell don't like you! Welcome to Tea Time, an all female run, written and edited heavily-biased magazine designed for passing on the most entertaining news to American Mobsters. Our job is to inform you, the common passerby, all the news and juicy details you may not normally be privy to. Be prepared to be amazed, shocked and horrified at what you are about to read and witness. Get ready everyone, because it's Tea Time! Love and Kisses, Kleighton, Victoria and Marietta Disclaimer: If you are wearing a bold or slanty suit, you WILL be the subject of many of our articles. If you don't like it, deal. It comes with the territory. **** Secrets of Getting Ahead Karma Sutra Kit Not Included Article by Reporter Black While I was digging around in a few journals and diaries that I found in the public archives, I found a lot of ways for why certain people are staying alive longer than others. Some journals mention training that gun you picked up as a young thug and killing anyone and everyone that threatens you. As I continued my research I found that some had been stuck in jails during mass murdering wipe outs and others had just flip flopped sides and given shelter from the enemy. Others mention the skill of dodging or even jetting out of the scene before things got too hot. Even if you have the best gun or a really good doctor you'll end up dead, but still some live longer. What are they doing? Don't worry I was pretty stumped too, but then I came across one diary and it was all there in front of me. People use their ASSets to get (a)head. After I found it in that first one I saw little hints and gestures towards it in others. Both men and women were using sexual favors to stay alive or to get that new position they wanted. Some even slept their way to their own city. Now as I was slumped over all these dusty journals I couldn't help but wonder if people were still doing this today. I figured yes, but I had to know for sure. On my walk home I bumped into Ms. Heather_Corleone and I asked her for a quick interview on the subject. When I popped the question to her she seemed very relaxed with the subject which surprised me. When rumors were started that you had slept your way to the top usually people got angry, but not Heather. She was very confident with the way she got to the top of the food chain. "I am trying to keep my man relaxed with my many talents as well." - Heather Corleone I can really only imagine what these talents are. Whatever they are they have worked wonderfully as she's almost the oldest woman walking our streets. Now don't go pining the tail on the donkey now. I'm not just talking about women doing these sort of things. I'm sure there are men out there that get off on the same sort of game. **** Coffee? Yes please! Article by Reporter Pot What comes to mind when you think of "coffee"? Friends, Lattes, Mochas, Gossip? Well if you thought the latter, you're definitely on the right track. More goes on in these so called shops than you could begin to imagine. Vampires, whores, drugs...crazy, I know. You don't believe me? Let me give you a few examples: Rabid Vampires on the loose in the coffee shops. It seems as night descends on our sleepy villages...errr...coffee shops we must prepare ourselves to be on the defense. Grab your Garlic, wooden stakes and crosses ladies and gents it's going to be a long night. Unless you're into that sort of fetish, you're going to want to keep your distance. You might think you can sniff out these evil-doers with your mighty psychic prowess, but that vampy can be a sneaky one. You might want to carry a mirror around your neck just in case. Don't worry, people already think you're weird no need to be self conscious about your accessories. Mixing business with leisure What kind of people take a trip to their favorite hangout to talk about drug dealings with people they hardly know? I mean that takes a lot of balls, knowing very well that these people might just sell you out to the nearest pigs at the donut shop next door. Hell, they could be undercover FBN's for all you know. Yet, day in and out, even every couple hours or so, you see the same people asking the same questions. Heaven forbid you get a bunk deal and score a bag of crushed up Tylenol. I bet you'd be pretty pissed then, am I right? Boy, if the boss catches you snorting some of that coke, you're supposed to be making a profit off of, you're going to be in deep waters...most likely with some nice cement shoes asking the fishies for their best drug prices. Soliciting your next sexcapade Now, boys don't get too excited here. Some of these coffee shops have a back room where you can get your happy ending, or that euphoric ending to your latte. On the other hand, sometimes not as enjoyable as you'd imagine. With business such as DrunkenRose where you can find some Twisted Sisters, you might find yourselves running for the hills, or wanting to pick a rose of your own. Or you can go to the SwallowsInn where the name just speaks volumes of it's own and rolls off your tongue quite smoothly (no pun intended, or was there...). You might even score yourself a nice rate on a room, I hear the hourly prices are quite nice. If you're more of the silent type, may I suggest a SwiftSilence. I heard you don't actually have to be so silent, it's just a thought though. Not everyone is too outwardly vocal, might be worth checking out though. You never know what you might find, the silent ones are usually the deadly ones. There you have it folks, I hope you're a little more informed on just how nice Coffee can be. There are activities for the whole lot of you crazy fetish fiends. Lets face it, you've all got that deep down burning sensation, whether it's in your pants or in your coffee. **** Ace Rimmer Assassinated! Killer States Death was Silent, Much Like the Mob Boss' Career. Article by Reporter Kettle Some are stating it was the shot heard 'round the West Coast, some are stating they didn't even realize it had happened. Either way, shortly after 12pm Mafia Standard Time on July 19th Ace_Rimmer, Consigliere and Mob Boss of Wise Guys Inc. fell to whom, at the time, seemed to be an unidentified assailant. Ace_Rimmer had a long, whoknowshowindustrious career with former Las Vegas family leader Animal and his family La Casa Ombra. During a fateful war against former Los Angeles family 30 Incorporated headed by then Consigliere Vic_Mackey, Don Animal shot and killed Vic, only to hours later be felled by one of several rogues that graced our streets shortly after their leader's untimely death. Mr. Rimmer was one of several 'rogues' that set up on the opposing side, after the demise of La Casa Ombra's head. After what will be known in the history books as one of the longest and most stagnant wars known to our country, Ace_Rimmer came to the Streets announcing a plea bargain with Mackey's former partner-in-crime and Captain-gone-Crew leader Mr_Corleone; he was promptly rejected with a retort in the form of a longer, more in-depth speech by the last leg of Los Angeles. Hours later, the last of 30 Incorporated was disposed of, sometime between the hours of July 12th and 13th. As one of the only survivors, Ace was allowed to keep the city he had set up in, and that was the last we heard from him. After several days the common Mafiosi stopped holding his or her breath at seeing an introduction speech from the newly appointed rogue leader. His Left Hand Man had been seen several times making a comment as he passed by speeches, and even attempted to start his own but a day or two ago. The way we figure it stands, though, is not until the morning of his death in question did we hear another 'peep' from Mr. Rimmer: in the form of his obituary. The assassin himself (or herself) is still unknown. Rest in peace, Ace_Rimmer and family. We hardly knew ye. Literally. **** Seen and Heard Tea Time's Latest Famous Mafiosi Sightings Mob Boss of Chicago Alessia's fifty made men and women holding a parade down Aberdeen Street to promote peace and stifle violence, lead by predominate male Snorlax. UncleNicky, Right Hand to the New Orleans Renegades, having lunch out of a dumpster behind a well known restaurant in the French Quarter. Left Hand of the New York New Scum, Branston, caught arguing with local school children over a game of jacks. New Orleans family head Skulls, slipping out of a boutique after a day trip in New York holding a pair of woman's panties. Iris, head of Philly's Java Cartel caught poring over high heels in a shoe store; overheard exclaiming, "What do you MEAN you don't have cherry red in my size?!" Approached and agitated by an older homeless man, Renegades Captain Dakine biting the man on the arm and whipping his head back and forth whilst growling. Crew Leader Daera's Right Hand Woman Vienna slipping out of a Church confessional booth with a Priest, rearranging her skirt and stockings. FlyingPig, Right Hand of Java Cartel, lecturing an old woman on her hygiene outside of a Philly diner. **** Too Little Too Late? Article by Reporter Black It's rumored that Don Alessia was drunk at her newest public speech about her authing Hamster in his own city. Alessia walked out, mumbled a few words and went back into her HQ. Really, it was a sight you didn't want to miss. She didn't even walk out to the streets or address us to listen to her. It was like magic; boom, one minute she was there and the next she wasn't. Was she hitting the bottle a little early for the celebration? Wrong. Sources say her drinking is becoming an issue both in the streets and in her HQ. We'll leave that to another article. The thing that needs to be addressed today is the lack of effort put into public speeches. Not everyone is letting standards fall. Mob Boss Iris graced us with her magical presence the same night Alessia did and put on a wonderful show telling us about her new auth. It seems silly that we go to such great lengths to impress all the new folk in our streets, but then forget what is really important. Your public image is really important, especially if you have some sort of high position within your crew. **** Daera Purchases Headquarters in New York, New York! Yet Many Wonder, Man or Woman? Article by Reporter Kettle Daera: a subject of controversy for all of us over here at Tea Time. Starting as a fresh-faced thug, D joined Iris' then New York Captaincy faction under Jonnie_Reese's Project Mayhem. A loyal subject, the savvy-street-speaker stayed with Miss Iris during her transition to Philadelphia and during the formation period of the now US-wide famous Java Cartel. Weeks later, Daera was granted captaincy in Philly, busting enough ass to eventually gain a headquarters to call home in the city that never sleeps. The controversy, you ask? Is Daera a man or a woman? Up until the captaincy announcement, many believed that the long eyelashes and high-heeled 'screw-me' pumps were a dead give-away to Daera's gender. Many a man fell under this seductress' spell until... A fateful revelation was made. Several weeks and an inner-city HQ later, Daera was masquerading around the streets in a long dark over-coat, jaunty fedora, a cigar and moustache. The sightings since the induction of leadership would all indicate that Daera, former sex-vixen of Java Cartel, is either a genuine man, or a delicate flower playing an elaborate masquerade game. Only time will tell what's in store for Daera, or rather, what's in his/her pants. Until then, we here at Tea Time congratulate you on your new family. Best of luck with whatever gender specified activities it is you indulge in. **** Horoscopes by Tea Time Check Here to See What the Week Will Hold! Somehow we managed to get one of them psychic-fortune telling types on our staff. Lucky for us she works free of charge, but the horoscopes seem kind of screwy. Either way, take a look to see what's in store for you in the upcoming week, Mafiosi! Pisces: February 19th to March 20th Take a risk, Pisces! It's bound to surprise everyone if you do. However, don't neglect your job. You may end up swimming (dead) in the Hudson. Aries: March 21st to April 19th You're feeling a bit sluggish and slow this week. Too damn bad. Get off your ass and get back to work. Your Boss will appreciate it. Taurus: April 20th to May 20th Slowly you're realizing you don't control anyone's actions but your own. Take control by going back to work, punk. Gemini: May 21st to June 21st Quite the logical person you are, Gemini. You realize it's time to move in a new direction. How about not being a lazy jerk and going back to work? Cancer: June 22nd to July 22nd New doors are opening for you. Like doors to the employment office. Stop reading this and go back to work. Leo: July 23rd to August 22nd Having a hard time paying attention? Too damn bad. Go back to work. Virgo: August 23rd to September 22nd You are feeling quite motivated to put your problem solving skills to the test this week. How about solving the case of why you're such an unmotivated asshole and get back to work? Libra: September 23rd to October 22nd The stars say you're about to make a major mistake. How about keeping your nose to the grindstone and staying out of trouble? Scorpio: October 23rd to November 21st Remember that wish you've been holding onto? It's about to come true! Better get back to work before your Boss decides to forcefully take away all your future hopes and dreams. Sagittarius: November 22nd to December 21st You're going to start your week out with a BANG!, Sagittarius! That bang just might be a bullet between your eyes if you don't get back to work soon. Capricorn: December 22nd to January 19th Well Cappy, you seem a bit resistant to change. Too bad, it's going to happen this week anyway. Perhaps a change of employment is in order if you don't start getting your act together. Aquarius: January 20th to February 18th Time for you to shape up and organize your life, Aquarius. Here's a good start: stop reading this paper and get back to work. **** Gum in Your Hair? Wash it Out With Peanut Butter Article by Reporter Black The other day I was sitting in my favorite coffee shop drinking my coffee, two sugars and one cream, and a conversation started behind me. I couldn't help but overhear what they were talking about and when the conversation started to get heated I pulled out my pen and paper. It began with family unity and quickly moved into the replacement of left hand man or woman. A few questions quickly arose. Should the left hand be switched out? And if yes, should they be switched so quickly? I have personally seen this happen within my family. One minute TM-Scarface is left hand and then the late, but not so great Sc0pe_D0pe is left hand. Five minutes after that TM is back in left hand position. Did Sc0pe take the position quick while TM went to the john? Is there really a need to switch your left hands so quickly? We aren't playing musical chairs here. Another question to let you chew over. How do you think the left hands feel? They are promised this position because they are respected and trusted by their boss and quickly their boss pulls it from beneath their feet. I understand that we are people of crime and lies, but I really thought one could count on their family. How does this make the mob boss look? Can he or she not make up their mind on who to trust or who they think deserves this position? Now that we have the option to make your left hand man be public I don't see the point on switching them out for any average reason. Make up your mind and give the position to someone that you know deserves it. **** Serial Killer Hamster on the Loose! Many State Mafia isn't Just for People Anymore Article by Reporter Kettle It was announced late into the evening on July 19th, a day that already was jam-packed with excitement. Two of the female city heads received their long awaited Don promotions, a rogue leader was felled, and a she-male Captain was given hisher own city. That was not to be the last of the celebrations for the Six Cities. A new leader was authed into Los Angeles, the City of Angels. Yet, as all gathered spectators had expected, it was not a vibrant up-and-coming Mafioso who took the helm of his or her own city. Instead, it was Don Alessia's pet hamster. You saw that right, readers. A hamster is now in charge of one of the Six Crime Cities. Not just any hamster, ladies and gentleman. A hamster that is slowly killing off this world, starting with his own crew. Reliable eye-witnesses claim they have seen the hamster in action; after his daily run on his exercise wheel he stalks from his headquarters angrily, hunting down, shooting and essentially devouring any man, woman or child that remain in its path. The most recent victims have mostly been made up of his own family, I Roditori di Los Angeles, and many fear they may be next. We here at Tea Time can only beg to ask the question, "What is this world coming to?" When established leaders are allowing rabid animals to rampage through the streets, gun down Mafiosi and run their own cities. Next thing we know, just about anything will be able to run its own organization and do as it pleases. Here's hoping that my dirty socks get Las Vegas. **** Mafiosi Weigh-In: Anonymous Surveys Tea Time Needs Your Input! We, the editors at Tea Time, have decided it's been long over-due for the population of our Six Cities to have the chance to speak their minds freely. This is why we have come up with a solution of sorts: surveys. Every week we'll ask you for your honest, unbiased opinion on three issues. All you have to do is take the attached leaflets and fill them out completely. By the time the next issue rolls around, we'll have the results tabulated and your feedback ready for public review. Best part yet, it's all anonymous! Let's get started with this week's batch of questions. Thank you for your participation, and we look forward to giving you a free forum for your thoughts! Weigh-In One* Weigh-In Two* Open Thought Forum* (*OOC Note: These links will take you to a different site. Open them in a separate tab or window if you wish to remain on the current page.) **** If you are a female interested in guest writing for Tea Time, please contact one of the editors and we will set up an interview with you promptly. |
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great read, great paper, horrible ladies. one of them tried to bite me, true story keep your distance people. keep up the good work though look forward to reading the next issue. |
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| Reply by: Giovanni_Moretti at Jul 21, '08 02:55 | |
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Excellent read, ladies. A little bit of humor - or in this case quite a bit of humor - can do wonder for preventing us from taking ourselves too seriously. As to what I am, well, it all depends on who's paying. |
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| Reply by: Daera at Jul 21, '08 03:31 | |
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hahaha that was a fantastic read.. really enjoyed it.. Cant wait to read more from you Ladies =D |
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| Reply by: Carnalita- at Jul 21, '08 05:38 | |
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-fitz puts down the paper he had been reading- teatime is great! i really enjoyed the variety of stories and the fearless nature of the writers! i hope another comes soon! |
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| Reply by: Four-Leaf-Fitz at Jul 21, '08 11:09 | |
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| Awesome I am STILL laughing. Can't wait for more trash! | |
| Reply by: Heather_Corleone at Jul 21, '08 11:36 | |
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A fine paper, I must say (as dictated by the large denomination bill that has been so delicately and forcefully shoved into the breast pocket of my coat). It's nice to see these stories stripped bare of all pretense and handled with a magic touch that may rub a few the wrong way, but will undoubtedly send pleasurable waves throughout the community, again and again and again. I look forward to many a hardcore in-depth exposfrom you ladies. Also, sex. What a chauvinistic jerk, that SavageHenry. |
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| Reply by: SavageHenry at Jul 21, '08 11:51 | |
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| This was a FANTASTIC read, thank you to all the took the time to put it together. You made my morning coffee an enjoyable one. Keep up the hard work! | |
| Reply by: Iris at Jul 21, '08 12:08 | |
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| Outstanding work ladies. Can't wait until the next great piece is published. | |
| Reply by: KingKopperhead at Jul 21, '08 12:15 | |
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Trash? Heather one of those press ladies have you directly quoted. Only true facts there. Kleighton winks Unless you are calling yourself trash, then I can see how you'd put such a word up on commenting on this fine paper. |
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| Reply by: Kleighton at Jul 21, '08 12:26 | |
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| In my defense, I was NOT having lunch. I was merely looking for my lost lottery ticket and spotted a hardly eaten steak. A growing young man cannot pass up a perfectly good piece of meat now can they? | |
| Reply by: UncleNicky at Jul 21, '08 14:35 | |
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| Young? | |
| Reply by: OhCrap at Jul 21, '08 14:41 | |
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| If I could of bet a million dollars you would enter this conversation at this exact moment I would e extremely rich right now. | |
| Reply by: UncleNicky at Jul 21, '08 14:42 | |
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Where dose it coming into the story about me and your shopping trip kendra! tut! *Shake his head and walks off into the dark* |
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| Reply by: Zulo at Jul 21, '08 15:21 | |
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| Very good read, enjoyed that, cheers! | |
| Reply by: Caligula at Jul 21, '08 15:43 | |
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| Zulo, who is this Kendra character you speak of? | |
| Reply by: Victoria at Jul 21, '08 16:39 | |
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| Maybe thats a undercover name that one of the reporters used to get a story? Never put it aside that the press is innocent. | |
| Reply by: Adam_Wall at Jul 21, '08 17:01 | |
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In my hurry this morning I forgot to give each of the people that put forth the effort to bring this lovely read to us a way to go slap on the ass. She smiles and holds up a paddle. Marietta's first, she requested the paddle specifically. |
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| Reply by: Iris at Jul 21, '08 19:25 | |
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Marietta flushes a bright red color and timidly approaches the Don of Philadelphia. Alright, Miss Iris. But I beg of you- please go easy. I have a rather sensitive posterior. One of my past amours managed to cripple me in pain for several hours after one of his, er, 'love taps'. |
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| Reply by: Marietta at Jul 21, '08 19:42 | |
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I meant trash as in trash magazine, or tabloid, or gossip mag. I meant no harm, trust me if I did, there would be no confusion. I enjoyed it, so relax, no need to be so ready to pounce... Quirks a brow and smacks her lips I look forward to the next issue. |
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| Reply by: Heather_Corleone at Jul 21, '08 21:04 | |
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