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| Update: Party in The Comrades HQ - New Detroit | Started by: LittleSi on Jan 04, '26 02:57 |
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On the 29th of December, you may recall TonyTheTailor declared war on the city of Detroit. He came to these very Streets and gave a speech in his affected Russian accent, wearing his big dumb hat, and he called upon his fellow wannabe commies to join him in trying to crush us beneath his valenki. He even offered a bounty for anyone brave enough to sling a snowball at SlimRagnarok, TheNewGuy, BuddyBigPaw and even me. Me! And now, a little over 12 hours later and here I sit with my feet on TonyTheTailor's desk in The Comrades HQ and a egregiously large cigar in my mouth. @RebusUlricDupeoMusic used some of the gargantuan stacks of unsold copies of the Philly Funny to light it. Dillinger has torn down the hammer and sickle from the wall and Interlude has been picking over the contents of Tony's fridge with them. Moose has turned their HQ bar into grazing land. Kiel has left a present in Natasha's office that belongs firmly in the 12th Street Public toilet; Godfather-Chairman and The_Watcher poked all of their cutlery into it. Meanwhile, Regman is dozing peacefully on a pile of ushanka, tired from hitting proud sons and daughters of Detroit by accident as the cowards from Philly ducked and ran. Where are the Comrades I hear you ask? To their credit, they did arrive in Detroit as ordered, well not PlagueDoctor, he was already brown bread, but most of the others did and thousands of snowballs were exchanged. Megan, Mack, JoeKing, even fucking EIkmilk was dredged up from the bottom of the barrel to answer Tony's call. However that is where the credit ends as one by one they froze or retreated inside, beaten back by the defenders from Detroit. The invaders were in full retreat. The pride of the Motherland sent packing. The only thing Tony would be tailoring were funeral suits. BigEasy buried under a snow mount 2500 balls deep. Milk curdled. But we thought we were getting a war not a brief skirmish. Here in Detroit, we don't stop at just the pickpocket, we must deliver the mug. The skull has to be cracked if you want to make an idiot omelette and we fancied ourselves some scrambled Philly brains on toast. And so we took the Motor City on the road and pulled up to the Comrades backyard. They had just seen what we did to defend our city when it was invaded so there was bound to be strong resistance, right? Er, apparently not because while I was stocking up on snowballs, our boys had actually run whatever was left out of Tony's guys out of town before I even got here. Has anyone seen DarwinRoss? Where's Shane_Stetson? Is LiamGallagher still frozen? Did Dean-Winchester leave his snowballs in that old HQ? What's going on here? Colour me disappointed. What's a man to do when those who challenged him to a snowball fight have cut their losses? I suppose that in the absence of any opposition, and it being over three hours later, it is only right that we now plant our flag here. I would therefore like to take an offensively pompous puff on my cigar, and say "welcome" to any visitors who wish to come to |
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BigEasy stumbles but somehow still stands on both feet. He bleeds from multiple lacerations and both eyes are nearly closed black...yet he stands. I hear you. There's time left is what I hear. I feel like they say something about people who celebrate early...time will tell though. Respect is in fact due though, so far Detroit is ahead. No one can doubt that. Though, there is no quit in my heart and I'll stand until the very last snowball is thrown. |
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| Reply by: BigEasy at Jan 04, '26 03:03 | |
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| Reply by: WhiteRabbit at Jan 04, '26 03:27 | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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WhiteRabbit ,
this is a very lackluster record, I was pelted a few hundred times in a matter of minutes.
do better, this is not an insult to the comrades, it is more of an insult to your lack of effort.
do better, you cold eared bastard.
don't come at us unless you are ready to sit at the adults table.
better luck next time. |
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| Reply by: Milk at Jan 04, '26 04:51 | |
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Saying you were pelted many times in a matter of minutes just proves that Detroit owns Philly.. I mean New Detroit. I didn’t throw many snowballs as I was too busy abusing the crap tables. Next time speak up when you talk as Detroit owns Philly. |
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| Reply by: WhiteRabbit at Jan 04, '26 17:16 | |
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Comrades and ColdEars,
Detroit now thinks that they own Philly.
Did they win the snowball fight or did they just have more ammo? The record will show that we froze out Detroit members in droves.
TonyTheTailor took has documented the countless ColdEars we froze. You may have had the numbers and the ammo on your side but we all know how the historical Battle of Thermopylae ended.
Just wait until V-Day. It will be a bloodbath and the blood of Detroit will flow like the rivers of Ancient Babylon. |
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| Reply by: Milk at Jan 04, '26 19:05 | |
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It reeks of desperation, Milk, when one has to resort to documentation to try and claim a victory, which their own leader has conceded. Especially desperate honestly, when that documentation has to be waved from the front lawn of your own HQ at its new occupants after you were ran out of town. I can actually barely even read it from here. Feel free to slip it under the door and I'll give it a once over when I'm done deciding what the future of New Detroit will be. If nothing else, I suppose I could use it to light some more of Tony's cigars. |
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| Reply by: LittleSi at Jan 04, '26 19:40 | |
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So here's what really happened. Totally unbiased. The campaign began with myself, Comrade Tony, Comrade Natasha, and Comrsde wannabe BigEasy advancing into Detroit. There was no delay and no confusion. The first snowball of the war was thrown by my hand. From that moment, Detroit was engaged. Reinforcements arrived quickly. Dixxon of New York joined the line and fought with discipline. Beluga of New York followed and was immediately targeted. Fresh from a recent stay inside, his communist writings had already circulated among Detroit circles. They were prepared for his ideas before his arrival. As the engagement expanded, Comrade Milk, Comrade Octavius, and Comrade OdinProtsent entered the fight together. Milk took the forward position without hesitation, shielding others and absorbing punishment so the line could hold. Much like the last Christmas party, he took many balls to the face. Octavius and OdinProtsent remained active as conditions worsened, operating steadily while others sought warmth. At the same time, it must be acknowledged that we were forced to contend with internal friendly fire. BigEasy, having consumed an excessive and frankly unnecessary amount of grain alcohol (no-offence), began misfiring snowballs in every direction except the correct one. Multiple comrades were struck repeatedly by what can only be described as enthusiastic but misguided throws. Despite this, discipline was maintained, no blame was assigned, and the line held. This incident has been logged for training purposes. The Battle of Detroit was prolonged and punishing. Throughout the day, Detroit fighters repeatedly withdrew indoors when the cold became too much. LittleSi, TheNewGuy, BuddyBigPaw, Godfather-Chairman, twigs, Moose, RebusDupeoUlricMusic, Gneiss and aethersix all stepped away at various points for heat, hot drinks and recovery. They returned with a vengace. Detroit’s strength was never resolve. It was mass. Dillinger, The_Watcher, xLadyFighterx, and Siamese twins Arco and Nightfall reinforced a strategy built on volume rather than endurance. Then arrived Kiel, apparently pronounced Kyle. Few know this publicly, but Kiel is a former Russian oligarch, armed with wealth and snowballs in excess. His arrival marked the shift from contest to saturation. After sustained fighting, and with LittleSi expending bodies freely, a tactical withdrawal was ordered. Not a retreat. A controlled redeployment to Philly to regroup, resupply, and prepare the next phase. This operation was proceeding as planned until sabotage revealed itself. Beluga, wsd AmongUs, turned and struck multiple Comrades. The traitorous whale was neutralised immediately. It is now clear this moment was used deliberately. Detroit escalated without declaration. No announcement. No challenge. No warning. They flew into Philly en masse, relying on surprise and overwhelming numbers rather than open confrontation. Faced with an undeclared incursion, the Comrades executed a second tactical withdrawal. Again, not a retreat. Forces dispersed across America through established safe houses, preserving strength and denying Detroit the losses they sought. Upon returning to South Philly, the results of occupation were visible. A crude sign reading New Detroit had been mounted atop our headquarters. Graffiti covered the walls. Litter was scattered throughout. Dog feces was discovered, strongly suspected to belong to BuddyBigPaw. My cigars were missing. The words “LittleSi woz ere I.D.S.T” were carved into my desk. The Comrades remain. |
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| Reply by: TonyTheTailor at Jan 04, '26 22:58 | |
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Such lies to say beluga attacked philadelphia, or "the comrades" first. I had been hit 27 times by Elimater2 while engaging in door to door guerilla fighting against Detroit's finest. I had been in a tough fight with Kiel, Dillinger and even LittleSi, and who comes in to ruin my day when I finally get these guys to back off? Philadelphia. Let the records show some of my fighting, as I sat in a home made ditch outside of the infamous toilets, which, had turned some of my ammunition brown, I had come into contact with several terrorists or worse, "friends"
Tangerine? My supposed brother in arms attacking me as I was fighting hefty amounts of Michigan based rodents? I had finally struck down TextBasedMafiaRPGMan at that time and who comes to save the day? A few Detroit minions and Tangerine. Was it a coincidence? Perhaps, or perhaps not. It was betrayal at its finest. Two of New York and Philadelphia's began to attack me as I struggled to even fight back against an insurmountable enemy.
Ah yes, my fellow Queens compatriot EIkmilk the bald had come to Detroit's rescue, to no ones surprise. I had heard that he had privately been working for some kind of other animal, or animals in this case. While I lay under siege from these mongrels, I began to reach out for reinforcements, some help. Mary, my beloved, had come and got the dirty EIkmilk off of me while she hit the four eyed dweeb with snowballs and rocks and at some point, I began to have the upperhand in battling Tangerine, my supposed countryman, friend and New Yorker..
Detroit, still pelting me, began to lay off as Tangerine began to get the upper hand on me yet again. With so many conspiring against me, who was I but to lose? It was genuinely a tough time at this point. I had very little to go off of, enemies to my left, enemies to my right. I couldn't even see who was in front of me with the way I was being attacked.
A not so coordinated attack begun on me. Again, a comrade from Philadelphia pelting me while I was reeling from the assault from the Detroit anti communist party. A very cool PlagueyDoctor, seeing the madness, decided to launch a few at me to keep me on my toes, just long enough for Detroit to notice no one was attacking me for a few seconds before laying back into me. It was at this point, I fled. I flew to the friendly city of Philadelphia and checked around. A few friends and little enemies. I began to relax and exchange a few friendly snowballs at JoeyDiaz and Alysia, all in good fun of course. The three of us seemed to not be taking it too seriously and were just stockpiling some snowballs in the ever so cold city. After some time, few remained in Philadelphia, most of the Ushanka comrades has fled Detroit and began to rally in mass back in their home. I could see them and as one of them began to fall asleep, I chucked a few snowballs at her way to wake her up.
A single friendly snowball, nothing nefarious or harmful, just to wake one self up from their sleep, and what do I get in return? Tony calling me a traitor for "attacking" Philadelphia, despite TWO of his own crew members attacking me first, unjustified. I throw a few more snowballs at her, while she throws some at me, thinking we're having a good time until the comrade cavalry comes in. I had wished they were this motivated to attack people when everyone was in Detroit in the heat of the battle. But unfortunately for some, it seems the only time some of these comrades seem to be strong is in numbers. Mack, Megan, Tony, Octavius, Milk, OdinProtsent were happy to throw nearly four hundred snowballs at me in return for one at Mack, I deemed it to be funny and unfair, but funny nevertheless, but the truth stands: beluga is no traitor or turncoat. Philadelphia had tried to harpoon the whale first and the captain of the ship is now attempting to prove some kind of faux-innocence to peers who don't care or won't actually listen to my speech to this point because I feel it has been quite a long conversation already. beluga was not the impostor. |
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| Reply by: beluga at Jan 04, '26 23:24 | |||||||||||
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I have nothing to do with this war, the losers, or the winners... But what I find absolutely wild is there is a speech going on where there isnt a single instance of belugas enormous size mentioned...
This is literally mind blowing to me |
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| Reply by: Spicoli at Jan 04, '26 23:48 | |
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Unfortunately Detroit may have mentioned it. LittleSi mentioned how dozens of his best and brightest were missing their targets and all conveniently hitting me due to "beluga being very hard to miss" several times. RebusDupeoUlricMusic had also mentioned declaring a Fatwa on me due to calling him an old man, to which, I apologized for it. I am curious if its a fatwa because of the implications of many coming to get me, or is it because I'm just a big guy... Who knows? It could be either or, truly. My size was brought up around 34 times in the last 24 hours or so, just zero in this conversation. |
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| Reply by: beluga at Jan 04, '26 23:51 | |
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I am glad you mentioned people listening, beluga, because I opened the floor for congratulations and well wishes and other than PTSDixxon, we seem a little light on both. It takes a big man to accept they have been beaten, Tony, which is why it is no surprise to see your short-arse trying to wriggle away from the realities of the situation or your gal Natasha trying to spin the narrative and move the goalposts to make this into anything other than what it was. Fortunately us New Detroiters are cut from a different cloth. It isn't important to us who beat whom, or who was run out of two cities and had their HQ bar turned into grazing land and who didn't. Instead, I would like to extend an olive branch to The Comrades, (which is actually one of the arms from the chair in your office, Ton’, but the symbolism should still be clear) and say well done. It was a great fight. You should be proud of how you fought. For dorks and nerds to set down their poetry anthologies and colouring pencils like that, put on their stupid hats and block all of those snowballs with their faces, I mean…wow. Truly humbling to watch. We underestimated you. I'm not too proud to admit it. Seeing JoeKing wipe his red raw eyes clear with frostbitten fingers for the 4000th time was genuinely inspiring. BigEazy, a victim 2000 more times than an assailant and still finding the courage to toss snowballs directly into his own mouth. Oof. I can barely keep my hands from clapping together just thinking about it. So truly, wonderful work. A pleasure to be a small piece of the Detroit juggernaut. It takes two to tango though or in this case, two to stage a city renaming retreat and humiliation, so please collect your flowers too. You've earned them. And yes, beluga is a hippopotamus in blue whale clothing. That should not be lost anywhere in the scramble. |
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| Reply by: LittleSi at Jan 05, '26 00:03 | |
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One well known bodyguard working for BigEasy steps forward. He takes out a sheet of paper and clears his throat before speaking. "BigEasy is still in the hospital recovering from alcohol poisoning. Again, that is alcohol poisoning. Any other insinuated injuries are false. Yes he hit himself with a snowball so fiercely that his eye fell out momentarily but due to his overwhelming intellect he knew exactly how to pop it back in. The doctors were shocked at the level of alcohol in his system and the fact that he is alive amazes them and they do not know how to explain it, medically. Additionally he would like to make the following statement, 'I didn't hear no bell, when's round two?' The man folds the paper and places it back in his inner jacket pocket. He straightens his suit, adjust his tie, smooths his mustache, and stands up straight before walking away towards the direction of the hospital. |
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| Reply by: BigEasy at Jan 05, '26 00:49 | |
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One Detroit, two Detroit, a thousand Detroit's, the world is Detroit and Detroit is the world. Who would want to wear a hat that looks like you've got an arm chair for a head? We don't need hats in Detroit. We'd lose them in the muggings. If we were smarter, we'd wear helmets. And if we were any less smart, we'd do the same. The Goldilocks zone of stupid intelligence has never been more emphatically mastered. New Detroit isn't just a victory, it will be a testament to the power of our primary cultural export: LittleSi's mean words. Everywhere you go, everywhere you look, mean things LittleSi says about people will be written on sign posts, hung from banners, printed on billboards, etched into toilet stall walls. LittleSi being mean is the current that charges strength and courage through our people. Citizens of New Detroit can now look forward to our holidays, like Little Big Si Day, where we come together to honor pay days, muggings and all of those who came before us. We will buy and instantly drop HQs in memory of the Ligambi's. As a tribute to brent, we wear plastic vampire fangs and ceremonially Burgerhouse our uppers. For our brother Goku, we will stand together as better members of a Detroit mafia crew than you. And, of course, we lay wreaths at the tomb of John_Fareham, unjustly slain by an evil and corrupt despot named Constipated; an event that spawned the only mafia crew to ever average nearly 60% from the floor. New Detroit will be our mythical city of paradise, Old Detroit our Elysian Fields. And LittleSi will be really, really mean to everyone in exceptionally creative ways in both places and probably everywhere else too. |
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| Reply by: TextBasedMafiaRPGMan at Jan 05, '26 15:50 | |
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Journal Entry: January 2, 1950 The snowball wars have begun. Our great city was under siege and we had to ready the troops quickly. The enemy was weak due to poor bread and powdered milk rations. Their noodle arms were unable to throw a snowball with any force, so they were quickly beaten back. They came from Philadelphia, and some from New York. The attack seems to have been politically motivated. The threat of communism must be contained. In light of this, we followed our defeated enemy back to Philadelphia and laid waste to the remainder of their top commanders. "Kremlin Tony" ran with whatever he could carry in his arms (porn magazines). Shane whimpered and went into hiding, lamenting the dozens of snow particles desecrating his beloved Reinforced Front Door. Natasha, ironically the only commie with balls, stood and fought, but was overwhelmed and outnumbered. Darwin slept through most of the battle and awakened only to see New Detroit (formerly Philadelphia) in ruin. I pooped in an ushanka today. I am not proud. War makes people do terrible things and some of us will never fully recover. But for those who come after us, the threat of communism has been contained for another generation. Young children in Detroit will grow up never knowing what it is like to live in fear. Fear of being beamed in the face with a snowball. |
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| Reply by: RebusDupeoUlricMusic at Jan 05, '26 17:16 | |
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