Philly Funny

Defense Audits Are Back, Right?

It was a late night, or was it early morning? All I really remember about the start of that night was that I hit the town of Los Angeles with Dean-Winchester and Spicoli as my guides. Dean-Winchester knew all the spots, which surprised me as I’ve always known him to oversleep whenever he can. Though, given his business dealings, I should have realised he knew everyone there was to know, living in the gutter anyway. Spicoli is just a good guy to have around. We had booze. Then more booze. Honestly, I don’t think I’ve ever drank more in my life. Two beers. Can you even believe it? I was DESTROYED drunk. Seriously, we had a lot of alcohol that night, I doubt anyone could actually remember how much. 

At some point, while transitioning venues, I got separated from the group. I was off on my own mini adventure and boy what an adventure it would be… 

All I heard was the echoing of a gun, the ringing in my ears, and someone screaming, “He tried to WACK! RebusDupeoUlricMusic!” What I could see though? That was a different story. RebusDupeoUlricMusic standing there, patting himself down, checking for holes. He turned, looking behind him, and to our surprise, there was a bullet hole right behind where he was standing in a direct line to me…the apparent shooter. 

After a brief back and forth it became clear what had happened:

RebusDupeoUlricMusic, “You son of a bitch, you tried to kill me!”

Clearly I did what he said but this was a well known Detroit man, a Made man, bigger than a boss, he was a Don. Some might even say THE DON, though that is a highly contested title and a story for another time. The thing is, I don’t remember even remotely what happened. So, I was honest. 

BigEasy, “Yo, I swear to god I didn’t mean to do that.”

RebusDupeoUlricMusic, “You came at me saying you needed more money for and I quote, 'Chugga Chugga Choo Choo Liquid'. Followed by, 'It makes the Sleezy' except you were singing this part, poorly. Are you saying this was an attempt to steal my money gone wrong?”

Again, clearly I’m a giant fucking idiot and I had to think fast on my feet. His tone, gestures, body language, and overall demeanor suggest that he is unhappy that this might have been a PickPocket gone wrong...had to think fast. 

BigEasy, “Nope. Defense Audits Are Back! Wait, that would be so much worse…right?”

I paused to see if that would in fact have been worse. Nothing about him changed at all. Not even slightly. This man was serious and I was fucked. I was at his mercy. I came clean that I was drunk and whatever he said happened is what happened. Again, I was fucked and completely at his mercy. Terms were agreed upon and after a few large sums of money were exchanged we went our separate ways. RebusDupeoUlricMusic the bigger, better, honestly just overall better in every way man. 

False Alarm Heard Around The World

One day scientists say eggs are good for you. The next, that's right, terrible for you. This is true for so many things. One day you are in terrible danger, the next? Safe as can be. If scientists can’t decide when we are safe, how are mobsters supposed to be able to do better? Well, sometimes we don’t even if we mean to. A warning went out across Philly almost as fast as the retraction followed. Not long after LV fell. Coincidence or attempt to sound all alarms nationwide? 

Las Vegas Falls - Information Wanted

If you or a loved one was affected or was in the know, reach out and tell us your story! WE PAY CASH! Rip.

Comrade Capers

Guest Writer: TonyTheTailor

It Started With a Miss. Never Thought It Would Come to This.

It began, as many disasters do, with a simple mistake. During a large snowball engagement, Calito-Brigante accidentally selected the wrong equipment. A firearm was raised, aimed at TheNewGuy, the safety was removed, and a shot was fired. These things happen. It could just as easily have been a snowball.

Following this, Jeffrey_Lebowski removed Gunlito from his position as Hand and installed Cin, a well-known and respected activist. Unfortunately, at this point in time Cin was featured on several milk cartons, having not been seen for quite some time. This oversight ultimately resulted in Jeff’s headquarters exploding in dramatic fashion.

Anonymous sources advise that Jeff will be setting up again at some point, alongside newly appointed family head Kristoff.

Kristoff appears to be settling into his new role adequately. Fortunately for all involved, he and Milk have not yet shot one another in the face.

Who will buckle first remains unclear.

NoKu

Dean-Winchester has once again taken the reins as GFC for Los Angeles. This development was welcomed by almost everyone. Spicoli was asked for comment and responded, “Fuck Dean.”

At the time of writing, no one in Dean’s headquarters has committed suicide.

Huzzah.

OceanGate 

The community recently suffered a great loss with the sudden and entirely unforeseen death of Oceanic, GRHS.

As expected, there was considerable discussion. In short: Oceanic mugs Arco. Nightfall publicly hitlists Oceanic. Someone buys it off. Oceanic, uncharacteristically, asks for money. Tony refers to Oceanic as Oliver Twist. Tony is then called a revolting little scumbag. Someone hitlists Oceanic for 100 million. Oceanic shoots Nightfall. LittleSigh murders Oceanic and collects a tidy bounty.

God rest the souls of Oceanic and Nightfall.

Killadelphia

Following a recent spate of unresolved deaths occurring in Philadelphia, it appears that business has returned to normal in the exceptional city.

Let the good times roll.

With the sudden return of Defense Audits, the fine men and women in the Genetic Engineering Lab at Wayne State University are working tirelessly to create the Ultimate Defense Auditor. They are trying to splice the genes of siblings, of parents and children, of first cousins, all to no avail. The superiority of the Detroit gene pool is too powerful to be tainted by any amount of inbreeding.

We will not be deterred. We will create the Ultimate Defense Auditor if we have to marry two cousins from Philadelphia in order to do it. And when we do, I wouldn't want to be your Reinforced Front Door, Shane Stetson.

Beautiful, but I believe it was BadJuju and not that of Cin for mr Lebowksi. I can almost guarantee it! I think I had a paper clipping somewhere of it happening, it would take some looking.. But I'm pretty sure of it!

I can't believe defense audits are back in. I thought they were done with the death of UglyInbredGeorge, first of his name, GRHS.

Stetsons Doors recently did some work to improve our door durability. Their latest cutting-edge technology actually verifies whether the person is certified to audit or not, and will act accordingly. I hear that an unauthorized attempt will result in consequences that would make Spike the Durden blush.

On January 3rd I Watched a man drink more alcohol than I thought was even possible. If that was two beers did you drink them using a 55 gallon drum?

Guest writer or Ghost writer?