War. Yeah. Huh. What is it good for? Absolutely everything.

After tremendous thought and many very serious conversations I am officially resigning (in bad faith) from the Board of Peace effective immediately and forming something much stronger much clearer and much more honest. The Board of War.

Peace sounded nice. People liked the word. Very popular word. But peace did not deliver. It failed. It failed BillyNoMates. Badly. 

Billy' aside, I have my own reasons also:

First reason. Nobody supported the appointment of Milk as Press Secretary. Not one person. Zero support. Which tells you everything you need to know about the so called peace process. When great candidates are ignored the system is broken.

Second reason. Certain individuals have shown complete disrespect for my City rules. Beluga, Nike and BuddyBigPaw have been spotted in South Philly on multiple occasions. Multiple times. And refused to pay the required tax. They knew the rules. They broke them anyway.

Nike has also made threats towards and TheNewGuy has insinuated more than once that my hat is silly. This crosses a line. Hats matter. 

Because of this peace is cancelled. War is authorised.

But before I continue I want to be very clear. I love China. I love China. Tremendous country. Tremendous people. Very strong. Very strategic. China understands power. This decision has nothing to do with China. In many ways China would respect this decision.

Effective immediately the following emergency decrees are now in place.

• Emergency Decree One. All City rules are now enforced retroactively. If you broke them before you are considered to have broken them now.
• Emergency Decree Two. South Philly is under heightened observation. You are being watched.
• Emergency Decree Three. Hats are no longer a joking matter. Comments will be logged remembered and possibly acted upon.
• Emergency Decree Four. All witnesses are assumed unreliable until caught by our specialised teams.
• Emergency Decree Five. War messaging replaces peace messaging. Confusion is strength. Clarity comes later.

The Board of War cabinet is hereby announced.

Spicoli is appointed Head of De Escalation because nobody de-escalates better than Spicoli.

BigEasy will serve as Head of Body Guard Auditing. Audits will be aggressive unexpected and deeply uncomfortable.

Dawg is appointed Keeper of Secret Documents. The documents are extremely secret.

DarwinRoss will take up permanent residence in our French Embassy because he is French.

JohnnyTwinkleToes will lead the Witness Statement Catching Squad. They have been very busy lately. Too busy. Which is good.

Natasha is appointed Head of Philly and Chicago Relations.

@MrKrabbs will oversee Taking Elodia's Money in the Weekly Lottery. This position required experience which he has in abundance.

We have lots of other positions available also, so please, do reach out if you are pro war. 

Finally I would like to note the following development.

Jan 29 06:12:44 I was transferred 1.00 credits by an anonymous benefactor. The note included read South Philly falls today.

I do not know who sent it. Many people are speculating. Very interesting timing. But we welcome this challenge openly. As any pro-war city should do. 

A great man once said: History does not remember the bigger man. History remembers the man who acted. And that man was me.

Peace had its chance. Peace is boring. 

In the spirit of your announcement, please find my $100k tax payment posted on the relevant listing. I trust this clears up matters.

Many people are saying this is the greatest declaration of war they’ve ever seen. Many people. Very smart people. They come up to me, big guys, strong guys, and they say “Sir, peace was weak. Peace was a disaster.” And they’re right.

The Board of Peace? Total failure. Nice name. Terrible results. Didn’t deliver for BillyNoMates. Didn’t deliver for anyone. And when Milk, fantastic Milk, great calcium by the way, didn’t get Press Secretary? That told you everything. Corrupt system. Rigged. Sad.

City rules being enforced retroactively? I love it. Absolute power move. Nobody’s ever done it before. People said it couldn’t be done. But now? Done. Beautifully done.

South Philly finally under observation? It’s been out of control for years. Everyone knows it. People not paying tax? Very dishonest. Very disrespectful. And the hat comments? Disgusting. Hats are important. Some say the most important.

Now people are also asking, a lot of people, “What about you? Where do you fit on the Board of War?” And I’ll be honest, I'm looking at it very strongly. Very strongly. A position suited to my abilities. Big abilities. Tremendous abilities. Strategy. Messaging. Instinct. Some say I have the best instincts. We’ll see. Nothing confirmed. But options are being discussed. Behind closed doors. Very exclusive doors.

Peace had its chance. Peace was boring.
War is exciting. War gets things done.
And frankly? Everyone’s talking about it.

APPOINTMENT ANNOUNCEMENT

After watching many people talk about peace for a very long time and do absolutely nothing I am pleased to announce that Matt has been appointed Head of Bored of Peace.

This is a very important role. Possibly the most important role. People underestimate boredom. Big mistake.

As Head of Bored of Peace Matt will be responsible for attending all peace related discussions nodding occasionally and reminding everyone that peace is boring. Very boring. He will monitor conversations for excessive optimism unnecessary compromise and any dangerous signs of cooperation. Matt will also be tasked with issuing official boredom assessments. If a discussion goes on too long without action he will declare it peaceful and therefore useless. 

Additional responsibilities include

• Sighing loudly during peace talks
• Rolling eyes during moral speeches
• Checking the time every four minutes
• Reminding people that nothing is happening
• Confirming that war is the best resolution

Matt will report directly to himself. This appointment comes after extensive observation. Matt has demonstrated a natural resistance to peace narratives and an instinctive understanding that boredom is the enemy of progress.

Congratulations Matt. Tremendous role. 

Many people are saying this is the perfect appointment. Perfect. I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t campaign for it. It just happened. That’s how you know it’s legitimate.

Head of Bored of Peace is a tremendous title. Frankly, maybe the only honest peace role left. Peace talks are boring. Everyone knows it. Long tables. Long speeches. Nothing happens. People nodding like it means something. It doesn’t.

I take this responsibility very seriously. Extremely seriously. I’ve already begun my duties.

I’ve sighed twice.
I’ve checked the time every four minutes, on six occasions in ten minutes, which is frankly impressive when you think about it.
I’ve stared at the wall long enough to start disagreeing with it.
I’ve identified at least three conversations that were dangerously close to cooperation.

Concerning.

The boredom assessments will be tough but fair. If a discussion includes words like “understanding,” “compromise,” or “healing” and no one storms out within five minutes? Peaceful. Useless. Eyes rolled. Case closed.

Let me be clear
I don’t oppose peace.
I oppose boring peace.

And most peace? Very boring. Painfully boring. The kind of boring where someone starts explaining their feelings.

Honoured to serve.
Reluctant to listen.
Already bored.

Tremendous role.

The Board of Peace is extremely alarmed by these developments. Thankfully, owing to my incredible foresight, I had my SVP of Peacetime Communications draft a one-size-fits-all press release weeks ago exactly to address situations like these. It reads:

We would like to make it clear that everything that is happening here is total bullshit.

Thank you.  

The people of the world will continue to come to the Board of Peace for all of their geopolitical administrative needs. 

This does beg the question: did the Board of War kill BillyNoMates? And is this all just a distraction to stop us from demanding the release of the Shane_Stetstein files?

We would like to make it clear that everything that is happening here is total bullshit.

As Head of Bored of Peace, I have reviewed this statement in full.

It is peaceful. It is administrative. It is doing nothing.

I have checked the time twice during this reply alone.

Official boredom assessment: Severe.
Recommendation: abandon immediately, escalate to war, stop talking about it.

Also I’m already bored of the Shane_Stetstein files and we haven’t even seen them.

Matt, you simply don't appreciate the effectivity of good peaceful administration. A document can lull you to sleep. What can't you do while you're asleep? Shoot someone. Boredom is good. Boredom is necessary. 

In the 7 days since The Board of Peace was created, there have been:

• Zero wars
• The often-murdered DetroitSimon family has not suffered any new losses
• AlGreen(land) has been rendered safe and under Detroit control
• We've overseen the loss of just one BillyNoMates
• We have prospered from a Detroit gambling competition from which I received many generous gifts from GFC Interlude
• I have taken on SwanSchnitzelSupreme as my protege
• As a symbol of hope, we are beginning initial investigation into a renewal of vows between the brent-overseen-marriage of TylerDurden and RobertPaulson

I could go on. But I won't. Now you go. Someone else speak now. 

I appreciate boredom more than anyone. I was bored before it was fashionable. People used to come up to me, very dull people and say, “Matt, how are you so comfortable with nothing happening?” Natural talent.

The idea that I don’t appreciate peaceful administration is frankly insulting. I respect it so much I can barely stay awake thinking about it. Documents? Love them. Long ones. The longer the better. If a document can’t induce a light coma, it’s not doing its job.

And yes, you’re right, while you’re asleep you can’t shoot someone.

But you also can’t stop someone being shot. Which is something to think about. People are talking about that.

Boredom is necessary. Absolutely.
But too much boredom? That’s where things slip through. History shows this. Many times. Tremendous history.

I just refuse to let boredom get complacent.

Now if you’ll excuse me, this conversation is getting dangerously soothing.

I will keep this short, I intend to audit every single person who steps foot in Philly. This isn't a simple task and thus it requires a complex solution. Once I have adequately formed the process of auditing to my satisfaction and the standards of which have been bequeathed to me, I will return and announce the process that all must adhere to. Until then just know that your journeys to from and through Philly are only temporarily audit free.

I have it on good authority BigEasy has purchased a pallet of rubber gloves and 10,000 bottles of baby oil to fulfill his duties.  

When asked about the questionable delivery to the Port of Philly he responded with a sinister chuckle:

"It's a dirty job, but someone has to do it."

and flashes a grin.  

He is going to fondle you and your BG's and check every crevice for contraband entering and exiting Philly.  He has large fingers and even more uncomfortable rings. 

Great nomination.  Fabulous candidate.  

A lot of people are talking about this. Very impressed people.

This is not chaos. This is planning. Very serious planning. You don’t rush an audit like this. You take your time, you get the gloves, you get the oil, you do it right. Total professionalism.

The temporary audit free period is very generous. Almost too generous. People should enjoy it while it lasts. Because when the process is announced? Believe me, it’s going to be thorough. Tremendously thorough.

Great nomination. Strong energy. Philly is about to become very clean. Very checked.

Sounds absolutely amazing.

 

TGT slams on the breaks and turns the engine off so she could hear what was being announced. After everyone was done discussing the new War Board she let out a long loud sigh. 

I am offended I was not appointed on the Board of War! Who in the hell do you think busts their ass around here cleaning up trash? NOBODY thought of me.  Why just the other day RegMan tossed his empty pop bottle onto the street. And don't get me started on how much glitter and cookie cleanup there is around these shores. The stench of urine in our trash ridden alleys is where I drew the line. Blood and body clean-up will be an additional cost or you will have to find another Garbage Collection agency. 

With the death of Supreme Comrade of The Board of War and most of its board members, except Matt.  

The natural instinct would be to promote him to Chairman of The Board of War.  

Have no fear!  That will not be the case,  The Comrade Milkov clan has employed a medium with a crystal ball and The Board of War will be run by the spirits of the fallen. 

I don't know if this espn shit actually works... but the ghost of TripleT, Natasha and Dawg are all better choices than Matt.  

The ghosts have spoken... or manifested in the crystal ball.  

Maybe I should lay off the mushrooms... LA has fantastic mushrooms.  The best mushrooms.  

Now that I think about it, my medium may have just been a homeless person talking to a tennis ball.  

Either way, the ruling stands.