So ehhhh. Let’s get the boring HR stuff out of the way first shall we.

Following the needless death of my father TonyTheTailor, 2025 Mafiosis Mafioso, there of course remains a vacant position for Chairman. We will come back to that later. Or we won’t. Depends how this goes.

Some of these announcements are retrospective, but process is process, and the Board has always respected process. With immediate effect.

• Natasha is relieved of her duties as Head of Philly and Chicago Relations. Natasha attacked the role with real gusto. Unfortunately, on account of us all being well… shot, the Board feels it’s time for a change.
• Spicoli is also fired. As Head of De Escalation, Spicoli actually did an admirable job. Possibly too admirable. Ultimately the position became redundant following my appointment as Head of Re Escalation. The Board thanks Spicoli for his service and sincerely wishes him the best.
• DarwinRoss is no longer residing within our suite at the French Embassy following the confiscation of his Ushanka last night. Embassy rules are embassy rules.
• JohnnyTwinkleToes will no longer lead the Witness Statement Catching Squad. The Board felt the twinkling toes were tipping too many people off. Literally and figuratively.
• BigEasy is removed as Head of Bodyguard Auditing. While he did indeed complete an audit on the Comrades yesterday rather successfully, it became clear to the Board that he lied during the interview process after failing the first audit conducted on himself.
• Dawg is no longer Keeper of Secret Documents. Truth be told this was more of a diversity hire. Ultimately having no fingers or thumbs proved too large a gap to overcome.
• MrKrabs retains his position. Strong continuity. Excellent instincts. 

Point of note. The Board regrets its decision not to immediately appoint Comrade Milk as Press Secretary. Had we done so, it’s likely we would have known about recent events well in advance and provided the opportunity to find sanctuary. In LA perhaps. Hindsight is tremendous.

The Board has also removed all travel taxes relating to South Philly for Nike and BuddyBigPaw. Additionally, a generous 99 percent discount has been applied to the sanctions levied against the whale Beluga. We feel the remaining 1 percent tax is fair. Very fair.

Now back to where I started. What happens now.

With immediate effect, the Board of War is shutting its doors. On account of everyone being dead. Aside from Matt. Don’t get me started on that.

Conversations have been held internally with around ten remaining Comrades. Board of Rogues. Board of Proing. Board of Salty Cunts. All discussed. All rejected.

None of them serve us or the wider community particularly well.

So. If @TextBasedMafiaGuy will have us, and if he is willing to fire TheNewGuy, we would like to support the Board of Peace in any way possible going forward.

An egregious error. TBMRPGM just rolls off the tongue so simply. It’s a wonder how anyone could misspeak the name of such a behemoth of our world. Well, anyone aside from UglyInbredGeorge, of course - God rest his soul, and his misshapen palate.

Listen folks, let me tell you something. I just came back from a very important trip, tremendous trip, and I walk in the door, and what do I find?

Absolute chaos, that's what. The house is a disaster. Kids running wild, crayons on the walls, broken vases. It’s unbelievable. Unacceptable.

So, let me just set the record straight, ok? I had nothing to do with the Board of War. Nothing at all. Absolutely nothing to do with me. I don’t know who these people were, but let’s just say. RIP, right? Big, big RIP. Biggest RIP.

Now, let’s talk about what happened here, who’s responsible? I come home to find that everyone’s dead. Just gone. Like that. Boom. Just like that. I don’t even know what happened. I heard some people got shot, some people got caught doing whatever they were doing, and POOF, they’re gone. No one knows where they went. It’s honestly a disaster.

But let's be real, folks, this War thing? It was a total mess. A total disaster. The worst kind of disaster. Believe me. I saw the mess, I saw what happened, and let me tell you, the only one left standing is yours truly. The last man standing. That’s what happens when you’re smart, when you plan ahead, when you know how to win. Some say it’s luck, others call it strategy, but frankly, I just call it great management.

As for the Board of War? Goodbye to all of that. It’s over. Dead. Who knew the war was going to end up like this? We all had high hopes, didn’t we? I mean, really high hopes. But the house is ruined. Sad. Very sad. I have no idea what happened to these people. I don’t even know what they were doing in the first place. No idea. Big mystery. Huge mystery.

And now, folks, here’s the thing. I’m just gonna quietly slip out the backdoor, you know, very discreetly. No big announcement, no fanfare. I’ve got bigger things to do, but trust me, when you’re as successful as I am, you don’t have to make a scene. You just leave. Very calmly, very quietly. I’ll be watching from the sidelines, the best sidelines. Everyone else can figure it out. They always do. They always try. RIP to the rest again. Huge loss, big tragedy, but let’s be real, I’m the one who made it through. That’s how you do it.

Nike hadn't left his home for 6 months, he had a bad case of gout and had full time carers! Too much meat and red wine.

He hadn't visited Philly for some time, in fact he was so drunk he didn't know if he had visited the place at all so was bemused by the fact he was taxed to visit at all. Anyway, being the man he was he emptied his life savings and sent TTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT all he had which was $69. 

Nike then fell asleep...