The gallows outside the Detroit Library are vacant and the once overfull cages which line the route between Bricktown and the wastes of Corktown swing empty in the breeze. I'm only a recently coined Made Man (the fastest possible time anyone has ever been Made, but that is another story entirely), however I have taken it upon myself to arrest this decline. During a recent meeting with Godfather-Chairman Interlude, where we enjoyed a seven course tasting menu to celebrate my achievements whilst Eala supped on plain rice cakes in the shadows like a street urchin, and Notfather Gneiss was thankfully omitted from the guest list, I was also given a special task. Get this house in order.

Standards have clearly fallen in Mug City. For too long we have stood by and let the once untouchable rules of our way of life slowly erode away. A little bit of reading for pleasure allowed here, a short documentary watched there, and before you know it we have picturehouses replacing bordellos, art galleries having actual displays without anything being stolen from them and honest citizens demanding education for their children rather than they grind out more press-ups. 

Once upon a time RebusDupeoUlricMusic handing out protection shots to rogues like some sort of senile school nurse would have brought, at the least, public ridicule. Instead, total silence. Not even a "what a dumbass" in the Business District. The criticism non-existent like a VIP speaker from Las Vegas. No longer. The Detroit Street Court is now back in session and those who are not adhering to the Detroit way of life will be dragged before us all to answer for their crimes. 

First item of the day: The curious case of DuchessDingleberry. A little birdy told me that upon successfully following rule #1 of Mug City and undertaking a mandatory mugging of Gneiss for his clumsy pickpocket attempt, she appears to have.....RETURNED MOST OF THE MONEY back to him...

Feb 02, 21:47:22    Your accountant has received payment of $20,000,000 from DuchessDingleberry.
Feb 02, 21:46:47    DuchessDingleberry caught up to you and beat you down. They took $20,840,974 back.

This is absolutely unacceptable. I also have it on good authority that she is yet to even take so much as a payday for her efforts on behalf of the 12th Street SLs. As a Caporegime of good standing, TextBasedMafiaRPGMan, what do you make of that? Returning money? Working for free? Disgusting. 

Dingleberry, explain yourself. 

Thank you, DetroitSimon, for inviting clarification on this matter. It really shouldn't be necessary, it seems that you have once again forgotten to do your homework before coming to the streets.

Being a vulnerable gangster (and wealthy estate owner), I had to store some of my excess cash in a safe place. I present to you the following receipt:

Given that Gneiss was holding on to a considerable amount of my wealth, I would essentially be mugging my own money if I were to keep it. And with me, it would be more prone to being lost. Since you have access to his accounts, I would expect you to be well aware of this. I'm starting to fear I joined a crew with an incompetent RHM.

Case closed.

TextBasedMafiaRPGMan's disdain is fully justified. Just this morning I saw a man blow his nose on a handkerchief he retrieved from his own pocket. What, we're too good for sleeves now? Snail trail Sheriff would horrified. Look at those tracks he's sporting on each arm like a badge of honour. That's a real man. Has he showered? Has he shite. The rain is God's shower, Jesus said and I've subscribed to that policy my entire life and look where it has got me, the People's #1 VIP and deliverer of street justice. 

"It was my money anyway". Ludicrous. Are you some sort of dandy? This is Detroit, Dingleberry. I'm the handsome judge in this court and cases are only closed when I say they are or in the rare case that someone does something more egregious that takes my attention. You can as much expect me, a man who shares 98% of his DNA with gorillas, to spend time trawling through bank accounts, as you could expect EIkmilk to take off his reading glasses, set aside his crossword puzzle, go to a gym, pick up a 40kg kettlebell, and start swinging it over his head. It just isn't going to happen. Not in a million years. That body was honed by ultra processed foods and involuntary celibacy, and no amount of wishing it was otherwise is going to change it. Believe me, he's tried. 

Let me tell you a little story to put things in perspective. TextBasedMafiaRPGMan won the lottery once and bagged himself $63,101,840. Did he worry about whether that would be safer in his own bank account or someone else's? Did he consider not wafting it around like he was some sort of fedora-clad metal land baron lording it over the brass peasantry or did he just give it to his boss and never give it a second thought again because it was the right thing for a gormless minion to do? I think the answer to that is obvious given his conspicuous lack of $63,101,840 to conceal his glum overbite. Don't you?

Unless you've got anything else to say in your defence or someone else to point the finger at, I think there is gibbet a mile outside of Bricktown with your name on it.

Be careful Duchess, if you keep disagreeing with Simon he's going to take out his little pencil and start writing in his diary about how mean you are.

"Dear Diary,

Today a woman touched me for the first time since I was born. I feel more dirty than the 12th street toilets I grew up in. Does she love me? Am I getting married? What will I wear? My favourite bin bag is in the wash. I also did 12 petty crimes and talked to the world about my pathetic amount of bins.
Ooh it's hard being from Detroit.

Sincerely, Simon"

Bore off Simon. You got beaten up by a tiny weak limbed girl. Totally on brand for Detroit. Today one of the MANY fierce loyal Queenslanders tried to pickpocket me. Did I mug them? No. I educated them on how to behave around a man with nought but socks in his pockets and a dream in his heart. GOD BLESS TAUPE. And God Bless America.

I thoroughly enjoyed my meal with Detroits premier made man DetroitSimon, but now I'm hearing many things here I don't like. Numbers, banking, book-keeping, this is all starting to sound a lot like maths. I don’t understand these things. This is making me nervous. Are these threats? I feel threatened. I think we need to boil DuchessDingleberry, it’s the only possible solution.

First of all, congratulations on leaving the house, EIk. I know that was a big step. That round glowing thing is the sun. It shines during the day. It is good for you to have moderate exposure to it and you should try to experience it more. Tomorrow's lesson, exercise. Still, before today is done I feel we have room for some more learning. When people speak to each other, they do this thing with their ears and brain called "listening". I know you're not going to have had a lot of experience of having to hear and then interpret things other people say given your limited social interaction from the closeted world of the back bedroom of old mother EIkmilk's dormer bungalow, but it generally helps if you follow what the other person has actually said.

I'll give you an example to support your learning. I said that DuchessDingleberry had undertaken a "mandatory mugging of Gneiss". Now, I am not Gneiss, so when you heard me say that you should have thought "DERP UGHHHHHHH STRONG MAN SAID DUCHESS MUGGED GNEISS UGGGGGG DWORRP" - I've translated into language you might understand to assist your understanding - rather than whatever computed to make you conceive a reality where I, unmuggable, ultra successful organized crime aficionado, DetroitSimon, might ever be beaten up by anyone, let alone a pathetic nancy like DuchessDingleberry. Do you see your mistake? Excellent. 

Now, unless you want to be held in contempt of Detroit Street Court for further crimes against coolness, something you're very much in danger of getting a life sentence for, I'd suggest you scuttle back to your Mum's, draw the curtains and get the scrabble board setup for when she's back from hot yoga. You wouldn't want to get banned from the wireless again. 

Interlude, have you recently murdered a good man for doing nothing wrong?  

ArmieHammer I hate people who murder others for doing nothing wrong. 

Couldn't be me.

DuchessDingleberry, how dare you steal from the needy like DetroitSimon? He needs as much cash and friends as he can get.

WhiteRabbit, I am a wealthy man. Not as rich as I once was, but very, very far above being needy. You might say that I'm well off. Do you know who is not well off? DuchessDingleberry. She has been tried and convicted of failing to honour the spirit of one of Detroit's proudest traditions. Returning the money is actually a completely disgusting thing to do. It offends me. It offends everything about me and it should offend you to.

Speaking of being offended, I was taking a visit to our lovely Business District earlier. A man who can carry less units than me, TextBasedMafiaRPGMan, was telling me about this great place where he likes to eat tofu so naturally I thought I would go and laugh at the people eating tofu. When I got there, I hear Tony_Soprano shit talking a Detroit legend, former de facto leader of The JFMAST, Grin-22. Everything else he said felt very artificial and sloppy. Was it artificial and sloppy enough to bring him up on charges? Not quite. Just let City Hall know to get rid of that trash. But I am watching, and just know that you're very close to joining Duchess in a cage. 

Seeing WhiteRabbit as my brother, I can say the truth. From what I know, WhiteRabbit was a multi-billionaire; he had so much cash but was so very humble about it.

BlackRabbit, I knew your brother. His name was WhiteRabbit and he suggested I was needy. 

Me!

I am DetroitSimon, pioneer of the daily hustle diary which the extreme fitness community have begun to champion for themselves, pictured holding it with Turkey-toothed grins and same-day before and after pictures, and the beneficiary of a rather large inheritance. I could buy and sell DuchessDingleberry with a snap of my fingers because I am a man of class, integrity and undeniable wealth. 

Speaking of class, integrity and undeniable wealth, Eala had none of these things and now she's dead. Does that qualify as proof of concept? It does in Detroit. Questions will be asked about whether a corpse should line the Corktown Way but that seems a little bit too gruesome to me. I would have paid money not to have to look at that pygmy gorilla stuffed behind bars and give me the sad eyes during life and I certainly wouldn't want to endure it with a more desiccated version, absolutely no thank you.

Big Davey G, sporting his sleek ‘Goggins Grind Gear’ fitness apparel, is out on a easy 25 mile evening run when he catches the unmistakable nasally whine of someone who clearly doesn’t have the grit to keep up. Lucky for the whiner, he’s off his cycle of ‘Goggins Grit Labs’ performance-enhancing supplements, or there would be another bloody corpse strewn across the streets of Mug City (not that anyone would care or even notice).

"I see you DetroitSimon, still blabbering on about Grin-22? Yeah, I know Grin-22. Detroit legend? Let's talk about that…De facto leader? Don’t make me laugh…Grin-22 was the laundry boy for the JFMAST, running around with dirty rags while the real players were out there making moves. You can’t polish that history, Simon. Stop pretending he was anything more than a glorified towel boy. No one in this game respects a guy who just does chores."

"And as for TextBasedMafiaRPGMan eating tofu... Nah, man, that’s not food. That’s a placebo for people who want to feel like they’re doing something right but can’t handle the real grind. You want protein? Get some real meat in your system. Beef, chicken, fish, cream of rice something with substance. Tofu’s like the food equivalent of Twigs, soft, squishy, and about as useful as this nerdy courtroom drama we have going on here. You think you’re going to get stronger eating tofu? That’s the same mentality that says “It’s okay to quit” after a mile. Want to get better? Fuel your body with real energy. Not tofu nerdery."

"Honestly, I’m starting to feel sad for Mug City. It’s a shadow of its former self. Gone are the days when you could meet HeadCoach’s wife for a tumble and beat the hell out of a New York nerd by lunchtime. But fear not, because I’m opening the doors to ‘Goggins’ Extreme Fitness Retreat.’"

"I’ll whip you boys into men."

STAY HARD!