Since surviving a relatively bitter and hostile little war, it now falls on us to rebuild, in order to get out of a state I've coined 'rebuild mode', metaphorically speaking. 

As this will require the installation of several new crewleaders across the country, I've decided - in my role as right-hand to one of the most experienced and capable to ever do it - to share some of the insider knowledge that I observe every day from the titan of industry that I work for, from which I hope budding young leaders can watch and learn how to master their trade. 

This updating series of behind-the-scenes stories and information will serve as a veritable masterclass for future generations to come back to and say, 'A-ha, so that's how you do that!'. 

First Lesson: DELEGATE. 

My boss, the great EIkmilk, is incredibly lonely and possibly a virgin. In order to solve this, he has tasked his dutiful RHM (myself, TBMRPGM) with finding him a wife.

To: TextBasedMafiaRPGMan
From: EIkmilk
Sent: Feb 08, '26 10:58
Subject:

I need a mafia wife like [REDACTED].

What can you do about that?

A mafia boss can't be everywhere at once. It's hard to run a 30-man crew and also find time for romance.

That's why we delegate!

By making your crew do the work for you, you can focus on the things that really matter. Now while EIkmilk is out making sure the drugs get sold and collections get paid, he can feel confident that I'm somewhere out there, figuring out how much someone would need to be paid to pretend to love him for 2-3 years. 

Stay tuned for more lessons on being a good crewleader! 

2-3 years? Your best bet is paying for 2-3 hours. Cost effective and a good plan for preventing emotional damage.

TBMRPGM to the rescue!

Sir, I would love to learn more in your Master class! Please, please, please tell us the second lesson.

Thank you Smithers, I'm hoping this new crop of leaders will come to appreciate this growing guide as a path to prosperity, as they begin to build their legacies. Now, I usually would not give in to the clamorings of the wanting crowd so easily, but I will - just this once - drop a 2nd consecutive lesson on the same day.

Second Lesson: POSITIVE ENCOURAGEMENT.

My boss, EIkmilk, understands from decades of leadership experience and several court-ordered workshops that a happy crew is a hard-working crew. Being generous with your praise costs nothing and earns good-will and favor from the men and woman you are expecting to send you their money and talk about you in the streets in a not at all offensive way. Just earlier today, the boss sent me this kind message:

To: TextBasedMafiaRPGMan
From: EIkmilk
Sent: Feb 08, '26 11:24
Subject:

You're great at hand jobs

With these words of encouragement putting the wind beneath my wings, I felt a powerful renewed motivation to continue one of my famous "hand jobs": the search for someone with a view of marriage so indifferent and perfunctory, they would actually agree to be his wife. Thanks boss!

Keep up the great work, Tex.

I'm a very successful and highly regarded Crewleader and I've been in this business for almost 24 hours. DetroitSimon has been in my private messages all day offering to be my wife, and also asking how do I make it look so easy?

Clearly I've inspired him and he's now taken the reins himself. Almost brings a tear to my eye.

Tonight we will hoist a glass of Milk to the newly crowned LasVegasSimon. Congratulations buddy. Hope you find a Hand as good as mine to take care of all of your needs.

The "possibly" in that "possibly a virgin" sentence is doing so much heavy lifting, I'm surprised DaveGoggins isn't here trying to drop some diary entries where they don't belong. 

Anyway I have a developing situation to share which is going to put these lessons into sharp focus:

From: EIkmilk
Sent: Feb 08, '26 19:20
Subject:

Hello Simon, Sir

I am so very sorry about this but um, it seems like one of my members, oh God, please don't get mad, oh god, shit shit shit shit. OH JEEPERS, ONE OF MY MEMBERS DROPPED THEIR PISTOL AND IT WENT OFF AND BEAUTIFUL SHEMIKA_CHAVIS IS DEAD. THERE IS BLOOD EVERYWHERE. GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN SO SORRY BUT THERE IS SO MUCH BLOOD SIR, I'M HYPERVENTILATING, DEEP BREATHS EIKY KEEP IT TOGETH- OH NO I LOOKED AT THE BLOOD AGAIN, NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO PART OF HIS HEAD ARGHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOO IT IS ALL OVER ME, THOSE BEAUTIFUL AUBURN LOCKS ARE MATTED THICK WITH IT AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! SIR DTLVSI SIR PLEASE FORGIVE ME 

I don't have my copy of the Gangster's Handbook on me so I can't check. Would one of you let me know what the protocol is here please? What's the usual compensatory amount? $500,000,000? A finger? The heart of a treacherous RHM?  

Oh puh-lease, Simon. What you witnessed here today was a masterclass of diplomacy and will go down in the history books. 

You were charmed. You were disarmed, and nobody was harmed. Except poor Shemika

500 million and a finger seems steep. How effective would my RHM be at his hand jobs if he was down a thumb or a pinky? Perhaps we could negotiate and take any compensation out of the $62 million your Grandpappy Simon died with?

You've shown a poor lack of judgement today. Swapping a Purple Suit for a Brown coloured suit is a brave move and quite thankfully sir I don't think you have the shape to pull it off

DetroitSimon you have also been receiving such strange mails from EIkmilk? Clearly deviating from any and all protocols in The Gangster's Handbook? Toaster principle teachings all but forgotten?

Because I am a hardcore mafioso and a respecter of OMERTA I will not reproduce the letter I received in my inbox yesterday, perhaps in part also to preserve my own dignity, but let's just say that it contained the words "fat souffle tits".

You're lucky I am not requesting a sitdown with Simon, you, TextBasedMafiaRPGMan and MichaelHaller immediately. But I will let you know it's a trump card I have up my sleeve and I am not afraid to pull out if anymore mentions of "fat souffle tits" are hurled at me.

As I have been given the honor of being accepted into this family from TBMRPGM as my old crew fell, I have graciously accepted the call arms! With my new assignments under DetroitSimon, I am sure my direction will be true.
 

For the aformentioned mariage issues and talk of.. other unsightly instances, I will not weigh my opinions.

All I would like to say is: It is kind of nice being back on the west coast.

Gentlemen!

Thank you for your time.

Enricho, you are a good man and I wish you the best of luck on your journey with Las Vegas and the absurdly named DT-LV Simon Gang. I hope, should you become a crewleader one day, you will be able to follow this guide to wealth and power. 

DetroitSimon and SwanSouffleSupreme, it is clear from your recent family history that you have a lot to learn about being a crewleader. One can only hope that this guide can help you not follow your father and grandfathers footsteps of dying hilariously to feckless nerds. 

Third Lesson: DRESSING APPROPRIATELY.

As everyone knows, there are some tried and true classics when it comes to dressing like a respected mafioso. A fedora? Yes please. Alligator shoes? You bet. Are those pinstripes on that three-piece suit? Delicious. But, more seldom talked about, is what happens 'behind the scenes' so to speak. 

Let's take a look, for example, at one of the daily attire-related issues I deal with as RHM to one of the great mafia bosses of our time, and perhaps ever: 

To: TextBasedMafiaRPGMan
From: EIkmilk
Sent: Feb 10, '26 18:35
Subject:

YES

THERES A HOLE IN MY PANTS AT THE BACK

To: EIkmilk
From: TextBasedMafiaRPGMan
Sent: Feb 10, '26 18:32
Subject:

it's tearing FROM THE BACK?

To: TextBasedMafiaRPGMan
From: EIkmilk
Sent: Feb 10, '26 17:51
Subject:

I think my farts most be burning them like acid

To: EIkmilk
From: TextBasedMafiaRPGMan
Sent: Feb 10, '26 16:08
Subject:

twice in four days?! what unsightly abomination have you got down there

To: TextBasedMafiaRPGMan
From: EIkmilk
Sent: Feb 10, '26 15:23
Subject:

Add some new pants to my shopping list

Twice in four days I've put holes in my own pants. I think my milk potency is burning a hole in them?

It's a terrific display of two of the greatest qualities we share as a leadership team: honesty and clear communication. A normal crewleader may have said, 'Ahoy Jeeves, have Goomba Gary fetch me a new pair of pants at the store', and the task would be completed. But would it solve the root issue? Would we be aware of the frequency at which our boss tears his pants? Would we be aware it was likely for milk-related reasons? Knowledge is power. 

To appear in the world as put-together and generally admired as EIkmilk frequently is takes work. It takes a village. Good crewleading is preparing that village to deal with your disgusting stomach issues. It is a 360-degree endeavor: I also now understand why he has had such trouble finding a wife. 

Good work boss!

TextBasedMafiaRPGMan imagine being called EIkmilk and being lactose-intolerant. To be a walking contradiction, allergic to oneself. Imagine what kind of existential dread this must bring: "Why was I put on this earth? What is my divine purpose? To be a joke of nature and ask random handsome mobsters about their 'fat souffle tits'?".

Whenever EIkmilk sniffs his own pits to check whether he can go another day without a shower he has a severe sneezing fit.

Couldn't be me.

Does this man even squirt milk at feral barn cats? Come on.

Fourth Lesson: BE PREPARED.

Planning ahead is one of the most powerful favors you can offer future-you. As a great man said, by failing to prepare, you are preparing to fail. My boss EIkmilk is a great example of this. His every action is calibrated carefully according to the principle of 'How can we reap the greatest dividends later?' 

His plans are a perfect harmony of the many timelines we exist within; past, present, future. He once sat me down and said, "TBMRPGM, every moment we live is a distant memory of our past selves". So it came as no surprise to me today when I learned of his latest brilliant strategy.

To: TextBasedMafiaRPGMan
From: EIkmilk
Sent: Feb 17, '26 20:20
Subject:

Fuck I meant to put 349k in and leave it 1k short

Instrad I put 3499k in

Aka 3.5m 

NOW IM 3M DOWN

Some may call this a simple accounting error performed by a shaved baboon. Others, such as myself, recognize it as a man with great humility seeking to avoid excessive praise for the fact that, when our forts are inevitably decimated once more, we will be 3 million big ones ahead of the curve, while other crewleaders scramble for their rainy day funds. Pathetic. 

Good work, boss. And pay attention, bosses-in-waiting.

This was extremely informative. Thank you.

I've now got the needed inspiration to become a better man, a better leader, a better asset to my family.