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| The Mafia Weekly: Resurrection Edition | Started by: Taskmaster on Jul 23, '08 22:51 |
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Letter from the Editor: Just the other day, while walking down the street, I noticed a bum, asleep on a park bench. He was wrapped in a newspaper, not an unusual occurrence. However, this paper was different. Indeed, it was the final issue of The Mafia Weekly, as published by the now defunct "47 Enterprises." After a quick check to make sure no one was watching, I picked up a nearby branch and used it to render the bum even more unconscious. Then, I stole his newspaper. After reading it, I couldn't help but think to myself that I could do a much better job than this "47" fellow. First, I decided to make sure he was dead. I dug up his grave and, sure enough, he was dead. (I also took his watch, but I didn't take the body. That was TheSpacePope. Don't ask me what he's planning on doing with it.) I did some checking around and ended up purchasing "47 Enterprises" for $69 and a pack of chewing gum. So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you the New Mafia Weekly, a subsidiary of Masterpiece, LLC. Enjoy. Or not, what do I care? IRIS BECOMES PUPIL! Noted Underworld Leader Goes Back to School Don Iris has decided to return to her studies at the University of Pennsylvania. Rumor has it that she has begun to study Ophthalmology at the University, in order to better understand her name. When asked for comment, she told this reporter, "I only plan on focusing on my vision for Philadelphia. I have the foresight to see what this city needs." However, later in the day, she was heard babbling this unintelligible phrase: "E F P T O Z L P E D P E C F D..." On further investigation, we learned that these were the letters on an eye chart. In related news, a pair of bifocals was found at last week's ice cream social. DAERA BEGINS SECRET CULT! Satan: "I saw it coming a mile away." Our sources indicate that Daera has begun a secret cult, dedicated to the worship of the Norse thunder god, Thor. When approached for comment, Daera had only this to say: "I say thee nay!" Crewmembers have begun wearing horned helmets and armored chest plates. Daera has taken to carrying around a giant hammer. We at the Mafia Weekly make no judgements on other's religions, but we do warn Daera to ask for forgiveness from the almighty Gozer the Undying, lest the entire crew be stricken with demons from beyond. TM-SCARFACE UNDERGOES PLASTIC SURGERY! Doctors: "Oops." Notorious gangster TM-Scarface has reportedly undergone plastic surgery to rid him of the horrible scars that have plagued his face for his entire life. Unfortunately, doctors evidently botched the procedure, removing his appendix, tonsils, and one kidney. In an attempt to cover up the mishap, the doctors performed a partial face lift, meaning that they actually lifted part of the face off the skull. The doctor in charge of the surgery was unable to be reached for comment. According to his secretary, he left a forwarding address in hell. TM-Scarface is considering changing his name to "TM-SeriouslyScarredFace." When asked for comment, he said "i canmpht moof i liphs, aph-hole." TheSpacePope Caught in Altar Girl Scandal! SpacePope: "So sue TheSpacePope." His semi-holiness, the Space Pope, user of the third person, was caught in the Space Confessional Booth with a Space Church Altar Girl. "Why did they think TheSpacePope wanted altar girls? And dressed like that? TheSpacePope thought it was rather obvious. Regardless, TheSpacePope doesn't recognize worldly laws, only the laws of TheSpaceGod, which are passed down to TheSpacePope for translation and dissemination. Believe TheSpacePope, there was no law about fooling around with scantily clad altar girls." This was the press release earlier from "the holiest man in space." Letters to Taskmaster: Dear Taskmaster, How did you get to be so stunningly awesome? Love, Taskmaster Dear me, Years of practice, magic, and assorted bullshittery. Dear Taskmaster, If you print anything bad about me, I'll HQ you. Iris Dear Iris, Don't worry, I won't say anything about your weekly S&M sessions, your habitual killing of the homeless, torture of small mammals, or collection of human body parts. Your secrets are safe with me. Also, that wasn't really a question. Perhaps you should also sign up for a basic English course. Dear Taskmaster, What's with the skull mask? A concerned friend Dear friend, It hides my face and replaces it with the image of a skull. What's not to like? It induces fear into my enemies all the while hiding my true identity. |
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She sighs and tucks the paper under her arm and mutters... I'm not named after the eyeball part. I'm not named after the flower... SHEESh When are people going to realise I'm named after two of my beloved Mummy's, may she rest in peace, favorite songs. Great read though! I missed this humour in my life. |
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| Reply by: Iris at Jul 23, '08 22:53 | |
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Also, in the spirit of The Mafia Weekly, I would like to insult the Mafia Tribune. Wait, what Mafia Tribune? Mwuahahahahahahahahaahahaha! |
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| Reply by: Taskmaster at Jul 23, '08 23:12 | |
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NICEEEEEEEEE!!! ahahahaha Welcome back Mafia Weekly! Was about time, can't wait to get my hands on more of that printed goodness. |
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| Reply by: KraKra at Jul 24, '08 00:20 | |
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Junior is thoroughly impressed with the writing of TaskMaster. I look forward to reading many more of these soon. Keep up the good work! |
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| Reply by: Corleone_Jr at Jul 24, '08 01:41 | |
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| A welcome addition to the media of the Six Cities. Good work, Taskmaster. | |
| Reply by: Contrast at Jul 24, '08 01:42 | |
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| A very good read indeed sir, My family diary has mention of this wonderful paper in it and it is truly good to see it back. | |
| Reply by: ThePhoenix at Jul 24, '08 01:49 | |
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For the record: There is no cult. Caution should be exercised when implying there is a cult. WE WILL SLAY THEE UPON THE STEPS OF THE CASTLE! If you need any further clarification, I'll be polishing my horn. |
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| Reply by: OhCrap at Jul 24, '08 05:09 | |
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A very good read my friend. Obviously not as good as The Bloody Tissue but it runs us close. |
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| Reply by: Bloody at Jul 24, '08 06:30 | |
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| Really enjoyed that, nice work. | |
| Reply by: Caligula at Jul 24, '08 08:09 | |
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