DetroitSimon was sat on a bench in the Streets enjoying the crisp February air. A busy few days after a busy few weeks for him and with the future of Detroit finally settled, Corktown transplanted into Los Angeles and no doubt rapidly poisoning the groundwater, Si gave himself five minutes' peace. He pulled out "The Journal of DaveGoggins", which he swiped from HQ rap battle bar knowing he would need a good laugh later that day. He opened it to the most recent entry and began to read.

Feb 12th - My time to shine

huh huh it's me guys, DaveGoggins. huh huh. Today I decided I was going to leave the house unaccompanied and bother people who are better than me. huh huh.

Why he was writing "huh huh" like some sort of doofus, Si didn't know. He had to begrudgingly give him credit for mirroring the annoying way he spoke in real life so perfectly though. He felt immersed. 

Thought I'd try to find out what DetroitSimon was up to, probably something cool. I tried to talk to him and it was a complete disaster. He said, "alright, Dave?" and I panicked so hard, my heart started hammering and my vision went sideways. I opened my mouth to reply but instead I just screamed, "HUH HUH HI SI HUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" It was awful, I don't know where it came from. I sounded like a neutered pitbull and then I went red all over. I wanted to die, so I tried to escape as quickly as I could, but then I walked right into DuchessDingleberry! huh huh, oh no. Barged right into her around waist height and her tea went airborne everywhere! The cupboards, the carpet, her blouse, my blouse, ruined! Then I heard Simon start to laugh and I felt my legs start wobbling as I tried to scuttle away and then for some reason I just shouted "STAY HARD!!!!!" and ran all the way back to Mum's; tripped at the threshold, skidded along the carpet right into poor Bugel, who had been asleep in the hall. He bit me and started barking! I just couldn't stop crying. Awful, awful HUH HUH awful.

Si remembered that interaction and had a hearty chuckle at the memory. What a boob, DaveGoggins truly was. He could see the teardrop marks blotting the pages and laughed again.  

It took me the rest of the morning to pull myself together and get on with my jobs for the day HUH HUH. Three things on the list today which I thought would be straightforward enough. Send someone some hard-earned cash, grease a palm for some information and take a flight to another city. No problem, I thought.....only there were big problems!!

Ah yes. Simon had an idea where this was heading now.

I thought I could just give someone my cash, so I went upto the first guy I saw, and offered him $800. I stuck my hand out and said, "HUH HUH. HI THERE, I'M DETROITSIM-NO I MEAN, HUH HUH, I'M LITTLE DAVY  *BURPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP* GOGGINS HUH HUH, OH NO!" I belched right in his face! It was such a loud and obnoxious burp. A real slap in the bollocks, he actually stumbled backwards into his car setting off the alarm, so now that was whirring NER NER NER NER NER. And, I'd had some pickled onion crisps for lunch too so the smell just hung over us like for a couple of seconds as the alarm NER NER NER'd overhead. He just looked at me disgusted. He wouldn't even take the cash and after that I was too embarrassed to even try and do anything else. Stupid, Goggins. Huh huh. On the way back to Mum's for the inevitable dressing down I knew was coming, I also stepped in a puddle and now I've got wet socks. Moccasins wrecked. Daily hustle failed again. Sorry, Mum. Huh huh.

Si closed the diary. What a fucking loser.