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| DT-LV Si Gang - We've entered the movie business! | Started by: DetroitSimon on Mar 18, '26 10:03 |
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Since we left the not so fertile soils of Detroit, we have been quietly building our new empire out West. It has been a slow process forcing our way into the business district around here, but with typical Mug City dedication after about 6 weeks of not doing a lot, we eventually managed to muster up the energy to crack the unlocked door ajar and tentatively wander right on inside on our first try. I'm therefore pleased to report that we've managed to worm our way into the previously closed shop of the movie business. A proud day for me personally and I would like to announce the forthcoming premiere of our first feature film:
In this gloriously unhinged crime/comedy, TextBasedMafiaRPGMan (Lou Costello), the perpetually overconfident Underboss of EIkmilk's crime family (term used loosely for comedic effect), decides he's going to "send a message" to the Las Vegas outfits by doing the dumbest thing imaginable, pickpocketing the legendary DetroitSimon (Charlton Heston), grandson of the King of Detroit, son of the King of Detroit, abdicated King of Detroit, and now regal elder statesman who happily swans around Las Vegas so plumply as to make the fattest of fat cats jealous. TextBasedMafiaRPGMan's foolish mission goes undiscovered for almost as long as a SlugFingers war plan. After a series of cartoonishly stealth‑free attempts where he intermittently trips over his own tied-together shoelaces, gets stuck repeatedly going around in circles in a revolving door, and accidentally lifts his own wallet, TextBasedMafiaRPGMan finally manages to make contact with DetroitSimon's pocket. What follows is a 90 minute, feature length, one-sided beatdown, culminating in puddle-of-piss Texty being relieved of $2,753,418, as he's repeatedly rammed into a slot machine, which continues to happily pay out the jackpot over and over again, all for DetroitSimon, one of life's winners. Will TextBasedMafiaRPGMan ever be the same again? Will EIkmilk (Audrey Hepburn), so used to disappointments having to endure her morning glance at a mirror each day, be able to forgive another? Will DetroitSimon spend Text's money or bury it in the desert to keep Text's lottery win company? Come along and find out. Please see DickDickman for all ticketing enquiries. |
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This sounds like the worst picture I've ever seen. Nobody would pay to see this. UglyInbredSimon as the hero of a story? It's ludicrous. There's the suspension of disbelief, but this is something else entirely. It's like putting Mussolini at the heart of a rom-com. More than that, what you don't realize Simon is I've got you exactly where I want you. I am a hippopotamus, and you have waded into my river. I sit under the surface, bubbling up from my nostrils, twitching my ears to shake off the flies, while you splash around happily. I smush entire watermelons with just one snap of my great jaws, while you giggle away in my murky waters. And don't think you can just wade on out; I reach land speeds of over 20 miles per hour. So go ahead. Feed on my precious savanna grasses. Help yourself to my fish and sediment. Wave to the safari tour boats. Just don't get too comfortable. |
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| Reply by: TextBasedMafiaRPGMan at Mar 18, '26 11:46 | |
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Las Vegas?! Movies?! Perhaps the kind of third rate adult movies they'd show in Reggie's Belle Blue Suite in Detroit. I guess that explains DickDickman's involvement anyway... Now I see it, crystal clear. DetroitSimon wishes he lived in LA. Hollywood. The dream factory. He misses us. Understandable really. After all, from Tinseltown you're just a three hour flight to Gneiss's pockets and a mugging from him arrives slower than a second class stamp! He lays awake at night dreaming of shooting movies with Hepburn by day, and shooting dope with Barbara La Marr by night. Well fear not - Monarch still has space! |
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| Reply by: BuddyBigPaw at Mar 18, '26 20:23 | |
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shandie hears mentions of movies and wonders out loud to herself "are these the peep movies? do they have more than 5 people awkwardly spaced apart in the theater it will be played in? or are they theater packing type movies?" shandie looks around to see if there is a promotional poster hanging up somewhere she can see for herself andthen waddles around lookingfor some popping corn |
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| Reply by: Shandie at Mar 22, '26 00:12 | |
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Don't get too excited, Shandie. There will be no perversion in the studios, unless you enjoy rubbing one out to TextBasedMafiaRPGMan getting his head slammed into a slot machine. If you do, you may wish to consider a transfer to Las Vegas. That's the kind of spirit we're looking for. |
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| Reply by: DickDickman at Mar 22, '26 01:07 | |
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A movie with TBMRPGM is a choice to say the least |
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| Reply by: BlackRabbit at Mar 22, '26 22:43 | |
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It's never getting greenlit, BlackRabbit. This is a man completely absent of the mental and physical fortitude necessary to succeed in the movie industry. He couldn't chew a cold cut with those calcium-deficient teeth, let alone obliterate giant tropical fruits between enormous violent jaws, like I can. Toss a smoked salmon slider at him and the rest of your evening is booked into peeling dill & Simple Si off the floor. As we've seen many times from the Simon bloodline, if he were an animal, he'd be prey. Generic, species-less prey. He would go about his days, sucking fungi off the forest floor, until some lower tier predators like the Enzo_Favara's and Severe the Snitches of this world came by to eat him up. Meanwhile, I thrust straight through the hulls of fishing boats with one push of my mighty frame, snorting like Beelzebub, equipped with the fury of Zeus, and armed with Confucian wisdom. My extreme territorial behavior has installed an instinct for success within me that cannot be contained. My hippopotamus wife and children live here and must be protected. I must maintain the sanctity of my river. |
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| Reply by: TextBasedMafiaRPGMan at Mar 24, '26 11:13 | |
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