First of all… I’d like to make something very clear. I am not Tony. I am NotTony.

My father was a man called Steve.

Steve had incredible hair and spent most of his life working as a proctologist. A role which, if you think about it, prepared him perfectly for dealing with people like Matt.

Steve wasn’t exactly a big name. Which, all things considered… is still more than Matt ever managed.

Anyway… where was I? Ah yes. Matt.

This fella somehow lived to a ripe old age. No idea how. Pure luck. Definitely not talent. After reading through my family’s memoirs, it turns out our bloodlines go way back. In fact, when my great great grandfather died, his final words were actually Matt’s name. Not out of love…

They spent many evenings together. Talking nonsense. Watching him come second in absolutely everything.

• Bowling.
• Boxing.
• General intelligence.

There’s one thing we can’t forget though… and in all seriousness I want to be real for a moment and make this clear.

Matt was a terrible human being and I’m glad he’s dead.

Now. Who shot Matt? I’ve been thinking about it.

• It wasn’t my father.
• It wasn’t Dustin (or his 10/10 mother).
• It definitely wasn’t Easy...he's too cross eyed
• Nick? Don’t see it (no offence Easy)
• @DetoritSimon? Nah. Busy playing Paddle.

But I did hear something… A name being thrown around.

@Yankee.

Now, this is the same Yankee who turned coat during the Great Snowball War, so trusting him with anything , let alone “protection”  already feels like a poor life decision. And from what I hear, Matt was doing exactly that… arranging protection.

Protection from what?

Who knows. Himself, probably.

But when you mix Matt’s judgement with a known snowball traitor…you start to wonder if this was less of a mystery and more of an inevitability.

Anyway.

I’m none the wiser. But I do want to know…Who shot Matt?

Let me know. Or don’t. We’ll probably blame Yankee anyway.

Witness Statement Wanted.

First of all, thank you for the heartfelt tribute, it was truly moving.

Couple of corrections though (wouldn't be the first time).

Matt didn’t somehow live to a ripe old age, he survived purely out of spite. Talent had nothing to do with it though on that we agree

Second place in everything? There were plenty of times he came third.

However the really important. All that matters is that it wasn’t you, NotTony, who shot him, because if it was you, he would be less concerned about being dead and more concerned about the fact you finally managed to come first in something else.

That and he really fucking despised you.

Try not to embarrass yourselves solving this.

TTD walks up to the the conversation at hand

"twas I, I shot Matt and I did so in the library with a modified candlestick holder with assistance from colonel mustard"

TTD walks away from the conversation at hand

Mat, allow me to pass my condolences on over the death of your Dad. I didn't kill him, and I don't think it was DetoritSimon who did either but I cannot swear to that fact and you can't make me. Have you considered TextBasedMafiaRPGMan as a suspect? I know he looks completely idle and useless, but looks can be deceiving. Not in this case as he's a soft-chinned buffoon; I've seen monkeys use tools before though so I wouldn't rule it out entirely. Something to consider. 

Anyway, in this difficult time for the Matt/Mat lineage, I do hope that you'll take some comfort from knowing that out of all the people I ever worked with in this business, and there are too many to list here, Matt was definitely one of them.

Rest well.