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| Tea Time!: Issue Two | Started by: Frankiee on Jul 28, '08 19:05 |
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Tea Time: Gossip Tabloid Issue Two: We Sunk Your Battleship You don't like us, and we sure as hell don't like you! Welcome to Tea Time, an all female run, written and edited (heavily-biased) magazine designed for passing on the most entertaining news to American Mobsters. Last week's edition received an overwhelming amount of support, responses, donations and Iris' case, pairs of panties. We the editors would like to take the time to thank each and every single one of you. Without you, dear readers, we would be nothing more than the proud owners of a stack of un-purchased, unread papers. To reiterate: thanks! Issue Two was pumped out with the same intensity and excitement as volume one. We hope it is as well received as the last one that went to print. So get ready everyone, because it's Tea Time! Love and Kisses, Frankiee, Lily and Marietta Disclaimer: If you are wearing a bold or slanty suit, you WILL be the subject of many of our articles. If you don't like it, deal. It comes with the territory. **** Las Vegas Lights Dim No More But The People Still Dimmer Than Ever Article by Reporter Black It was like someone hit the light switch for the City of Sin as it was brought to life early Friday afternoon. TM-Scarface himself graced his streets with a public speech and later you could find the whole family in TM's parent's living room. UncleNicky sat in his favorite chair in front of the fire place as he watched over the rest of the family. Young TM could be seen playing with alphabet blocks, while Tony-Papalia and Darth_Vader fought over a little toy truck. It didn't stay this serene for long. As the family got situated in the big city things started to unravel. Let me tell you a little bit about TM-Scarface. The mob boss still lives in parent's basement, and tries to keep his business under wraps. It's not working out so well, they are catching on. When his parents threatened to turn him into the cops he made a quick deal with them. His parents receive half of everything he makes and he can only be apart of the life of crime for six hours a day. When he's not participating in knocking over 7-11's you can find him doing community service. Yes he is that guy scraping the gum off the bottom of the park benches. There was a bit of a squabble over who would be TM's left hand man. TM wanted Tony-Papalia, his cousin, but UN wanted someone else. Looks like Tony stomped them out of the water as he has been the left hand for some time now. Tony is a pretty quiet guy; he doesn't really let on what he's like or how he runs the business. Tony was seen buying Nikita ice cream last night. It looked as if that's not the only thing Tony bought for her as they were later seen entering Lily's Lingerie Boutique holding hands. Nikita really does get around, like mother like daughter I guess. Moving swiftly along we come to Darth Vader. Now he is just the pompous one. Both on the streets and in the poker room. Darth can be usually seen down at Frankie's Bar in the back room at the green felt table. Maybe the name Darth doesn't sound familiar for all you poker players. That's because Mr. Vader likes to use the alias name TheKing while he plays those cards. At last Friday nights weekly game Darth had had one beer too many and was telling us all about how he finally landed himself in a spot of power. He kept going on and on about how TM had appointed him to be the head of the family's hitters. Everyone at the table rolled their eyes as it was obvious Darth had been put himself way over his head. **** Can You Spare Two Dollars? Just Ask Your Left Hand Article by Reporter Pot I decided to have a sit down with a couple of temp LHM to see where they really stand and how they feel about being passed around like a two dollar hooker their boss picked up last week and later shared with the rest of the family. Is there really a benefit to passing around such a title so freely? Wouldn't it confuse many people new to our streets? Would you really feel comfortable going to one of these people with an issue, knowing that any moment they could be replaced with someone else, who you might not feel so comfortable with? I got a chance to interview Scorch, and BuddyNielson; two of the six cities off and on LHM, and their reactions were quite non-chalant about their titles. How can such an important and noticeable position be taken so lightly? The first one is with Scorch, temp RHM/LHM for The New Scum. Scorch seemed to be willing to fill in wherever needed no matter the position. Hey scorch, I need my shoes shined, you up for the job? Pot: I just noticed you were rhm not lhm Scorch: I'm flitting around at the moment Scorch: I was RH all day, til Vienna came on Pot: How does it feel to be passed around positions, every other time you log on? Scorch: it feels fine Scorch: I'm just helping Daera out Pot: What about the sense of job security? Scorch: filling in at LH is fine and dandy, and RH is a bonus whenever I've got it Pot: right, do you feel a spotlight has been put on you when you're in your various suits? Scorch: I'd say it's not really there for me; I slot into RH very easily Scorch: having watched my father be RH for Ace_Rimmer, before he was shot I was able to learn a lot and this helps me a lot Pot: Do you feel that some of the younger Mafioso might be a bit confused by all the switching? Scorch: the situation has been explained to the crew, and they would prefer to have a point of contact around, as opposed to nobody because of a lack of switching Scorch: I think they know that if Daera trusts me, then they can trust me too Pot: Rightfully so, after seeing the slaughtering of the Don of Chicago's family in the middle of the night. One can only hope that the rest of the family heads learned a valuable lesson Scorch: Amen to that, Daera certainly took it on board Scorch: my ascent to the various suits were more circumstantial than planned though Pot: How so? Scorch: Well, Vienna has fallen ill recently, and so been unable to fulfill her role as RH due to being mainly hospitalized, and Branston has been away on business trips for the past 2 days or so, therefore allowing Daera to use his trusted inner circle effectively, and bring people such as myself and OhCrap into play by extending his trust to us and lending us the suits of RH and LH at certain points during the day Scorch: by doing so, he has created a number of people that the newest recruits can turn to for advice and guidance Scorch: between the five of us, we try to cover every hour of the day Pot: Well, that certainly does sound like an effective approach to leading a family Pot: Thanks for your time, anything else you'd like to add? Scorch: Only that Daera's university scheme is coming along beautifully, working effectively for our recruits, and we hope to extend aspect of the crew soon Now to Buddy, who seemed far more interested in promoting himself, as being the "self proclaimed" best LHM EVER! Way to go, Buddy. You'll do fine things in this life. Pot: Tell, me how does it make you feel having to share this respected position? BuddyNielson: It's okay I guess, I'm the "primary" so it makes me feel a little better about it. I don't mind it so much because the person I am sharing with knows what they're doing Pot: Very nice. Do you feel agitated or annoyed at all when you come into the HQ and someone else is sitting at your desk wearing your coat? BuddyNielson: No, because I can just go up to her and snatch it back hehe Pot: What if your boss is away on business? BuddyNielson: If the furry one is out on business it doesn't really bother me, the family knows what position I hold whether I'm wearing the suit or not BuddyNielson: They always know that they can come to me for anything Pot: Do you think it's such a good idea to be trading suits all that often, or do you think that one person should hold their position until promoted, or passing on? BuddyNielson: I think it is a good idea to be able to switch, if one is away and can't be contacted there is always someone there that can help for any reason Pot: What should happen if you arrive to your HQ and the others are away, and the co-lh has taken your suit home with them? BuddyNielson: Like I said before, whether I am wearing the suit or not I still have the responsibility and I can do what needs to be done, people know, in the family or not, that I am the left hand of the furry one and they can come and confront me with any problem, etc. Pot: What benefits do you think this position holds in respect to your family? BuddyNielson: It makes me feel important and that I mean something to the family, it makes me feel like I am more respected because I have a high position in the family structure Pot: Do you think it's confusing to the younger members when they see different people in the same suit? BuddyNielson: In our family structure it is made clear that there are two people that hold the position and that they can go to either of us with anything that they need Pot: Thank you for taking the time to speak with me about this position Pot: Is there anything else you would like the masses to know about this position? BuddyNielson: Hmmm Pot: this is your time to speak your mind BuddyNielson: Something I want the masses to know... BuddyNielson: I am the best LHM in the history of forever Pot: oh, nice. There you have it folks, sure seems that these men are more than okay with sharing such an esteemed title. Except Buddy, he is definitely more into himself than any title he can hold. **** Mob Boss of Philly Exposed! Don Iris- Your Private Dancer? Article by Reporter Kettle When one mentions the head of the world famous Java Cartel Iris, many things spring to mind. She is a woman of good taste. The Don is a female who is strong and savvy but can be cold and calculating in her business matters. For many, she is the picture of perfection for the ideal Mafios(a)o. One does not think of hoop skirts, heavy make-up and sexy gyrations done to upbeat jazz overtures. Yet an insider states that Miss Mafia, Don of Philadelphia, was not from as strong of a mob background as she claims. We were tipped off by the man, we'll call him MedicalPractitionerFeelBetter, earlier in the week that on the nights the woman is not holed up in her headquarters going over invoices and counting her money, she's actually making a little cash on the side by dancing at Giorgio's in the private 'players only' back room. The informant who described himself as "a growing boy" with an "interest about the female anatomy" discovered this secret through the normal means one might uncover this. "My buddy told me about this place where this one woman would burn my "Iris" off, so I went down to the place and lo and behold: there she was." After recovering from his initial shock, the Practitioner recounted what she was wearing with slight smile and drop of drool forming in the corner of his mouth. "It was quite a shocker indeed to see my boss there, but more interesting was her outfit which consisted of just high heeled red pumps." Quickly he shook his head and raised his eyebrow at the horrified expression on my face before continuing: "Amount of earnings (she makes) you would think she could afford some clothes. Sad times indeed." The interview with the man in question prompted me to do some of my own 'sight-seeing', so after extensive research and a handful of hours logged dressed as a man in Giorgio's, I managed to gain my own up and close personal surveying. Let me just say, dear readers, it is a sight to behold. Iris is a woman who handles herself with extreme grace, and it surely shows in the 'performance' she gives to her customers. We can merely only echo the sentiment of the Practitioner in this instance after seeing the Don of the Dance: "I don't even think it's about the money. Her and that mad woman Vienna are a bunch of sex crazed lunatics. She will do any man, woman or Oompa Loompa." **** HEIDI, YOU BITCH, ANSWER THIS Our New Advice Columnist Answers Any And All Questions Q: Dear Heidi, I've been getting a lot of unwanted attention from one of my associates. When I wake up in the morning to get the morning paper he's there, on my door step, holding flowers. When I walk down to the 7-11 I'm about to bust he's there holding the door open for me grinning. He's in the HQ lounge waiting for me after I come in from a hard days work. If I speak to him all he does is stare into my eyes and that's it. Sometimes I find love letters tucked into my mail. Friends have told me that he's already planning our wedding. I'm just worried that his infatuation is a little extreme. Hope you can help. - Sleep-Deprived in Seattle A: Sleep Deprived, It seems like what we've got here is nothing more than an acute case of unrequited love. Fairly innocent and simple to deal with - gather your friends Louis and Ville Slugger and requite this creepy fucker right across the eyes five or twelve times, however long it takes for the twitching to stop. You will immediately notice an increase in respect for your personal space not only from him, but from anyone else who might've been in the area. You will also notice an increase in cranial fluid soaking into the carpet. Sprinkle some baking soda on that and vacuum at once. Q: Heidi, I recently tried to join a family but they told me they weren't accepting. What should I do next? What is the proper etiquette in a situation like this? - Homeless in Chicago A: Well, Homeless, it may be time to take a personal inventory. What have you got to offer an organization? What's more, which qualities are you looking to improve in yourself? Bosses like to hear that kind of stuff, I'm told. Shows you've got ambition, or something. Once you've got all that, it's time to move on to paranoid speculation. Were they really not accepting, or was it just you? Are you insufferably stupid? Numbingly dull? No, couldn't be. Simple fact is, they're all sitting around in their robes inside the HQ (which is unbelievably spacey, by the way) laughing at you. And there's only one thing you can do as a self respecting person: march right up to whoever rejected you and DEMAND that you be accepted this instant. You will be welcomed with open arms. Or shot dead where you stand. Either way, I don't have any change. Get the fuck off my stoop. Q: Miss Hoels, I 'accidentally' squandered away some money my Boss asked me to hold on to for him. Any get-rich-quick schemes you can think of to help me out of this situation? I don't want him to find out what I did. Thanks, Totally Screwed A: Screwed, Do NOT panic. There is a way out of this for you, but it will require quite a bit of footwork, and may not be all that pretty. First, you'll need to round up a group of your friends. In a pinch your brother, a whooping crane, and that guy that works at the grocer and inexplicably thinks your name is Steve will do. Now, all you fellows and fowl have to do is plan and execute a flawless heist at your city's largest bank. Then send that money to Heidi Hoels c/o Tea Time. This money will be used for gin. Lots of it. It settles my nerves and will help me think of a way to solve this problem of yours. Then you will need to commandeer a truck filled with top-of-the-line radios and transport these goods to a port in Miami. There, you will meet a man who will identify himself only as "Fuerte". In exchange for the radios, he will hand over to you a large freight container filled with fine cigars. Send those to me as well. I like to smoke when thinking over big problems like yours. Finally, you may just have to bite the bullet and stand on the corner playing a banjo with condoms on your ears for change. This will net you about $3.48 That is also for me, because I can't find my lighter and could use some new ink pens and I may have a sandwich if there is much left over, or maybe just a bagel. Depends how I feel. In the end you're going to die anyway, but at least we gave it a shot. Q: Dearest Heidi, Why are you such a bitch?? Love, A Concerned Citizen A: Citizen, Who the fuck do you think you are? Come back when you have some fucking rank, chump. In short, because it's fun. For me, that is. I don't care for anyone else having fun. In fact, I actively lobby against it. I will work my ass off day and night to be sure that you have no fun at all. And if I catch you and fun together I will stomp fun into a greasy pool on the floor and piss down its spine to consecrate your divorce. Love and kittens, Heidi Hoels **** Really Dead Or Committed? Former Renegades Leader's Death Faked? Article by Reporter Kettle Tragedy struck the Renegades of New Orleans when late on July 24th then leader Skulls came to the Streets to make a public announcement. He spoke of bad dreams he had been having, his self-proclaimed falure (typo intended) as a Mob Boss, and finished with thanking a few key people and slandering others. Over a span of two hours he shot at a few members of Don Alessia's family, La Famiglia dei Guardiani, before disappearing seemingly off the face of the Earth. Rumors struck the Six Cities early the next morning with news that Skulls had been slain after hours of his family toiling in a war that many found pointless. Yet many eye-witnesses claim that the man was not killed, and was instead ushered into an insane asylum under the cloak of night by his former Right Hand, UncleNicky. The said time Skulls had been 'sleeping' and 'having bad dreams' was purportedly false, many informants citing the reasons for his stepping down being that he randomly and viciously lashed out against several unsuspecting thugs in his crew. Some were badly injured and in other cases were maimed beyond recognition and had to be 'disposed of'. Reports of being cut with broken scotch bottles, hot-iron branding and even biting off ears with his bare teeth were slowly being mounted up in the Upper Structure's inboxes. "Things were getting out of control. The RH and LH couldn't really cover for him anymore," claims one witness, who asked not to be identified. UncleNicky and Sticks1988 began feuding over their Boss' darker side, much swearing and bottle throwing could be heard echoed throughout the HQ late at night. It seemed Nicky wanted to quash the bad habits as soon as possible, whereas the Left Hand wanted to encourage such behavior, and eventually unleash it upon other inhabitants of the Six Cities. "Sure, the crew got really rough for awhile. Days would go by without word from any three of them." The days were bleak for The Renegades until the humid night in question. Though they battled back and forth, eventually one of the men took matters into his own hands. On his last night, after his speech and wayward shots at the Chicago family, UncleNicky laced Skulls' glass of brandy with drugs, bound and gagged him before then relocating him to the New Orleans Psychiatric Care Center for proper attention. Rest In Peace, Skulls? I hardly think so. We here at Tea Time wish you a speedy recovery and hope to see you back committing crimes soon enough. **** Seen and Heard Tea Time's Latest Famous Mafiosi Sightings Twisted_Sister, Left Hand to Large Hamster, screaming as she was escorted into a dentist's office. After hopping away from a poker game, Java Cartel's Kangaroo being hunted down by several angry looking Italians. Recent Chicago Mafia Captain Czar, plotting the take-over and reign of his own country in a laundry mat. Newly appointed Las Vegas Boss TM-Scarface painting his finger and toenails with several show girls. Shortly before her untimely death, former Renegades step-in Right Hand Heather_Corleone staring at the barrel of her gun and asking, "How do you use this thing?". Daera, New York Mob Boss, whipping Tarot Cards at his Left Hand Branston's face. Was heard yelling "Fifty-two pickup, bitch!" Don Alessia's fifty Right Hand Men and Women handing out lemonade at a Chicago Church brunch. Los Angeles front man LargeHamster, still shooting his own crew members and burying them in his wood shavings. **** News from 'I'm Drunk Again' Congrats Czar, We Won't Expect Anything Fine Coming From You Either Article by Reporter Black Alessia's second public speech was a little of a let down. No magic this time folks, Alessia stumbled onto the pavement all by herself. After the clapping died down she stumbled over a man, Judson I think his name was, either way not important. She released all her weight on him in a quick grasp for some stability. It didn't work well as both of them fell to the ground. Hopefully Alessia would stay away from that food and beverage stand someone had set up earlier. After she was helped up of the cobble stone street Alessia gave us a grand speech about LargeHamster. Yes, the last speech she did give us was about him too. I thought it was odd. At the end she did mention this Judson fella again, but just about how he was another branch to her headquarters and nothing else. So who is Judson? It's the question being whispered everywhere. No one knows, but no one wants to ask because they don't want to feel left out or disrespectful. All questions were answered when Judson himself was passed the microphone rather quickly as Alessia reached for more booze. Judson spoke to the people, for some reason there were a lot of civilians around. Civilians? The day was just getting weirder and weirder. The Civilians were making quite a clamor as Judson went through his speech. It was a good speech, he mentioned something about cops, politicians and liking trannys. It would have been an even better speech if there wasn't so much noise in the background. Sirens blazing and people running around the streets can really make a lot of commotion. After everything was said and done I still had one question on my mind. So who is Judson? No one could even find out because before a snap of his fingers he was killed. Now who is Czar? In his opening speech he spoke of Lions and Donkeys. Are they a bunch of lions? Alessia really needs to stop filling her crew with zoo animals. Czar also mentioned The Red Guard being his family. Last time I checked he was only a captain. **** Night Of The Flying Goat Creature The Worst Experience of My Life Article by Reporter Heidi Holes First off, my apologies if any of this is disjointed or hard to follow. A bat seems to have clawed it's way into my typewriter and, after I semicoloned it to death, has put out quite an odor. Imagine my disdain for sitting here trying to inject some truth and honor back into the world of journalism while each keystroke brings a new depth to the aura of decaying rodent. Anyway, enough about all that. We're here to discuss the strange happenings that were brought to my attention in the Chicago area. Word had it that some... thing was stalking through the streets -- a specter, perhaps -- roundabout the neighborhood which serves as a home for Czar, the Chicagoan Captain. Clearly this was a claim which demanded my immediate attention, so I was on a plane to the windy city at once to investigate. I met up with my contact in the airport whom, for the purposes of privacy shall be referred to by the pseudonym of Conchita. She had brought along a friend to help us on our quest. This friend of hers, who was a bit hairier than a woman should be - even by Chicago standards, was wearing the same cute little blue strappy shoes as I was. Her pseudonym from here on out shall be Smelly Bitch Hag. What a whore. We weren't long into our search before SBH (slut) started making excuses and whining about being diabetic and needing insulin to keep her from going into a coma, or whatever. So she slipped off into the night, no doubt to have sex with a traincar full of men for a dime, and to aid and abet the creature I was now determined to track down, slaughter, and use its entrails to decorate that bitch's front steps. Sigh. Where was I? Right. My initial contact proved to be just as useless. "I'm cold", she would complain. "Not as cold as that heartless tramp you still call a friend." I would reply. But without her, I wouldn't have known where to start my search or, indeed, that there was anything to search for. So I left her with a few half-hearted pleasantries and set off alone. By carefully following a trail of clues (which in this case manifested themselves as cigarette butts and bits of beef jerky), I was able to stalk my prey deep into the jungle of middle-class suburbia. I was kneeling over a small pile of discarded Doublemint gum wrappers when I heard it -- the brain-melting squeal of a tormented caprid. I stood just in time to glimpse the creature swooping from the treetops. It cracked my skull with a heavy flashlight before retreating into the darkness. I was somehow able to harness all the remaining energy in my body and crawl to a nearby filling station, but the clerk refused to sell me lighter fluid until I stopped crying. **** Reporter Pot's Car Vandalized Eye Witnesses State DaKine Behind Attack Article by Reporter Kettle Many are claiming it was the shock of the week when late Tuesday night a vicious attack was launched upon Tea Time Reporter Pot. Sometime after nine in the evening Miss Pot was clocking out for the night and was ready to head home. Accompanied by Arianna Hodges, Tea Time's receptionist and Bob Thompson, janitor, the female left the building and entered the dark parking lot located to the side of our home base. A single street lamp was lit above the remaining cars, but it was enough light to shed upon the carnage that remained below. DaKine, former Captain to the Renegades of New Orleans and now head of said city, was found utterly demolishing the maroon Hudson Essex Super Six that Miss Pot had imported from overseas. "He didn't look normal, yaknow?" Miss Hodges stated, describing the way the veins popped out of the not-quite-man's neck and how he continuously let out low, guttural growls. Luckily for us we were able to procure an interview with the victim, Miss Pot, perhaps in part to the fact that she works for our company. ""I didn't want to believe it was actually happening. I mean the sight was just traumatizing in itself," was the first thing out of our star reporter's mouth when she was called into my office. After getting her a strong cup of tea and soothing her nerves we were ready to get down to brass tacks. "The damages are pretty bad, I mean the tires have huge bite marks out of them," she responded initially, after being asked about the aftermath. Her voice began to take on a frightened tone as she began to relay the incident itself, packed with gruesome details. "There was a rabid dogman I will call it. I've not seen anything like it before. He walked right over to my beautiful car and proceeded to try to open the door. When he realized it was locked it's like he transformed- got down on all fours and started tearing into my tire, like it was a rawhide bone!" Apparently the demolition went on for quite some time. "He stopped after he'd done away with the front tires, ran his paws down my nice paint job, and jumped on my hood like it was a trampoline. I was in too much of a shock to say anything in the first place." DaKine: a man most know as a well put-together Mafiosi who runs his own sector out of New Orleans. Is it possible there is another side to the man? One that none of us know at all? "Kinda like he was in a trance, he was. Di'int say nuthin to us," was the only statement made by Bob Thompson shortly before he was taken to a nearby hospital for collapsing under a weakened heart due to stress. Miss Pot confirms the intensive care Janitor's statement: "He did look over at myself and a few others who had gathered around to see what was going on. He just acted like it was another normal day. I wanted to pick up a nearby rock and throw it at him, but I'm way too precious to be mauled by a dogman right now." Last week it was rabid, man-eating hamsters. This week it seems to be a super-human hybrid of werewolf running the factions in our cities. One must ask themselves, is this truly the type of lifestyle we want to cultivate? Echoing the phrase of our own Miss Pot, "Civilians, thugs and the rest of you, protect your tires. This man is still on the prowl." We here at Tea Time can merely tell it's readers to beware and stay on the alert. You may be the next victim of such a calamity. **** Life and Times On-Goings of the Six Cities By Reporter Black Engagement: A promise to marry A promise to not sleep around. The Rumors are true! Blackacidevil has asked Nikita to be his wife and she said yes! It was a very exciting night after the movies last Saturday night. As the audience exited into the main lobby Mr. Black got down on one knee and took his sweetheart's hand into his and popped the question right there in front of everyone. You could see it on her face, Nikita was shocked. She brought her free hand up to her face and wiped away a tear as her lips turned into a smile. Blackacidevil stood up and wiped her tear away and kissed her smile. Nikita embraced her boyfriend of three days and said yes over and over again. Stay tuned for bachelor, bachelorette and wedding dates. There might even be a baby shower in tow. Some sources say Nikita is pregnant and that is why the marriage has been rushed. Is Blackacidevil the father? Divorce: A promise to kill Or be killed. The notorious gangster Silk is back on the streets and single. She had retired from the life of crime several months ago to get married and really settle down. There was trouble in paradise even before the marriage was official. "He was forcing me for children." Silk sobbed into her tissue as her close friends comforted her in such a rough time. "He made me feel so old, saying I was running out of time." A week ago Silk's ex-husband was reported missing. Close friends of Silk say they saw a shovel, gloves and a few splatters of blood in the trunk of her car. Death: A promise to meet your maker. OhCrap was seen coming out of a fortune tellers shop early this morning with a grim look on his face. A close friend of the fortune teller says the old hag had read OhCrap's cards for him like she did every Monday morning. Today was different though, the death card popped up. **** The Results Are In! Analyzing The Data From Last Week's Surveys We asked the hard-hitting questions and YOU provided us with the answers. The first compilation of results from the Mafiosi Weigh-Ins are, well, in! (Tea Time is not responsible for the responses on the surveys. We are merely the mouth-piece for those who are unable to stand up and say as they wish freely. If you have any problems with the results on the surveys, the only place you can really put your blame on is yourself. Neener neener neener.) Once again we would like to stress that these are completely anonymous surveys. Answers like these to our surveys: "I can't really answer this question honestly as it may end in my demise" are completely unnecessary, as we at Tea Time have no clue who wrote what on the leaflets. So feel free to spill your guts and help us get down to the nitty gritty! Last week our first question was one of simplistic proportions. Tea Time asked our readers, "Of our current leadership, who do you think is doing the best job of the bunch?" The results are in!: after twenty-eight votes in the span of a week it was decided, with 42.9% of the votes headed in her direction, that Iris was the reader's favorite. (Second place with 21.4% of the votes was the choice "None of them". Click here for full results statistics.) People seemed to find Iris' sincerity and energy towards her crew inspiring, stating: "She Treats her family Members just as that ...Family. Therefore the family prospers under her. A happy family is a productive family." Others claim she has done the best so far because: " She kicked that scumbag Daera out can't do much better then that!" Keep the family happy, and keep making the right decisions, Don Iris. And congrats from Tea Time for being the reader's vote for Best Crew Leader. Our second question last week was a little more serious and a little more heavy hitting. We asked our readers, "Let's be honest, folks. Which Family Head or Captain would you like to see die next?" The results are in!: after twenty-six votes in the span of a week it was decided, with 61.5% of the votes headed in her direction, that Alessia was the reader's choice for next victim of society. (Second place with 11.5% of the votes was the leader of Los Angeles, LargeHamster. Click here for full results statistics.) People seemed to think the Don of Chicago was using her 'feminine wiles' to get what she wants. Many also claimed "she's disgusting", "She is a poor role model of what a leader should do while in bold." and "Worst leader ever in the history (of Mafia Returns)". Seems someone may have a bit of work to do. Best of luck in turning the opinions of those voters around, Don Alessia. We at Tea Time regret to inform you that you have been voted Crew Leader The Six Cities Want Dead. Our last question was an open forum question. We at Tea Time asked: " Let's give it straight to our leaders, Mafiosi: What would you like to see more of and less of in our world in the coming weeks?" The results are in! Not a lot of people had much to say on this matter, only nine responses recorded, but the ones that did have their answers (anonymous, of course!) have been recorded here: People want to see more of this. People want to see less of this. The results? Rather inconclusive. Draw what you wish from those answers, Leaders! So there you have it, folks! Be sure to vote on this week's surveys, and stay tuned for more future results! **** I C CP How 'Bout You? Article by Reporter Black Lets see here, we hated CP because they enforced a made man reference because made man is an important rank, or at least it use to be. We hated CP because they authed their friends instead of people that really truly worked hard for it and deserved it. We hated CP because they were boring, our streets never saw wars. We hated CP because they were mean to us, they lied to us, they pulled double standards on us. We hated CP because they bloodline hunted. We hated them CP. Now take a look around our streets today. You might be able to still spot the CP ways. If you are having a hard time peering through your fogged up glasses or having a hard time admitting to yourself what is truly there, continue to read. We hated CP because they enforced a made man reference system. With the "new way" made man is a joke. All you have to do is sing a little nursery rhyme in the main coffee shop on irc avenue and it's yours. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. At least CP still held the fact that made man was one of the most respected ranks a Mafioso could ever achieve. We hated CP because they authed their friends. One rainy night Iris, Alessia and Skulls met in an old bar just off the main street in Philly. The sat over candle light for hours throwing around ideas for our vacant cities. It was finally come to agreement that each would have a chance to auth whomever they wanted. As things played out Iris authed Daera, Alessia authed LargeHamster and Skulls, well Skulls decided to let the other two walk all over him. In Alessia's case she rolled. Skulls did put out his choice, but Dylan was quickly shot down by greedy Alessia who didn't like this pick and wanted to throw in another one of her own. After I found out this rumor of Skulls not being able to auth his choice because Alessia wanted to auth her friend from the coffee shops I quickly went directly to TM and asked if it was true. "Tell me it's not so!" I exclaimed. "It's true. Alessia has put my name in the auth bucket, she promised me I'll get it." Mr. Scarface told me. Alessia's offspring, LargeHamster was the one to fully announce TM's auth. His street speech was weak, but really look at the example he had to grow up with. Can we really blame him? At least CP authed their friends who knew what they were doing. We hated CP because they bloodline hunted. Rumors of bloodline hunting will always be around because of angry family members, but these days we have something worse. LargeHamster is killing off his own members for shits and giggles. At least being blood lined there was a reason at some point. The only reason for this is that LargeHamster is lazy and his members are taking the fall for it. Training your gun on your own family members is utterly disgusting. We hated CP because they were boring. Oh gosh yes! The people that are keeping our streets active are shoved to the curb. We'll also never see a war because Alessia is a plotter, now that big brother Animal is six feet under and she's not protected. All she will be dying from is alcohol poisoning. Yes, we did see Skulls killed, but I wouldn't call that one a war. We hate CP because they lied to us. Alessia? Liar. Ask yourself this: Have things really changed? **** A Cop Came Walking Around The Corner So I Punched Him In The Throat Call To Arms by Reporter Kettle Really, it doesn't take an idiot these days to see that the cops have increased their policies and have been cracking down on crime in the Six Cities. Not a day goes by that I don't sit in the coffee shops listening in on conversations and overhear someone mention almost being caught doing a bank robbery. That or soandso got busted and thrown in the slammer over robbing a 7-11. In fact, it's been happening so much recently I can't help but think that eventually we're all going to end up doing hard time for our small misdemeanors. So here I am, Mafiosi. My brothers of New Orleans, sisters of Philadelphia., citizens of Las Vegas, Mutant hamsters of Los Angeles, cross dressers of New York, and back-woods cousins of Chicago: it is high time we take a stand. Take a stand against coppers and other crime fighting organizations (like a superhero or some such). We are Mobsters. We are Mafiosi. We stand for loyalty, honor, family. We stand for trickery and deception of the general public. We do not stand for running and squealing at the sight of a suit! I urge you all to fight the good fight! Next time a cop tries to stop you mid-truck heist, break his kneecaps! If you're taking that old woman's purse and you're caught, blame the old broad for stealing it first! Trying to break a friend out of jail and get spotted? Spit in their freaking eyes! Friends of the Six Cities, stand up with me! We will not take this abuse from police forces any more! Profits are down and jail sentences are up and we are sick of it! We will not run. No, we will fight! Say it with me: A cop came walking around the corner so I punched him in the throat! **** Tea Time Gives Back To The Community Because We're Just That Damn Sweet What started as a tiny little paper publishing has turned into a full scale gossip magazine, and it's all because of you, readers! Over the course of the last week we have received an overwhelming amount of support in the form of compliments, kudos, sexual favors and most importantly, cash. Now we here at Tea Time are hardly selfish bitches, so what we made last week we want to invest back into our community. Namely, YOU, the reader! Last week we had a large handful of public praise (OOC: You posted in our thread with nice things, yay). What we here at our paper decided to do was put all the names of the people who did so into a hat, and we have drawn three names to be our lucky winners of cold, hard cash! The names were drawn, and the winners are: Zulo, Four-Leaf-Fitz and Caligula! Congratulations to our first recipients of the Tea Time Weekly Award. 50K will be wired to each of your banks shortly! Thanks again, readers, and be sure to praise Tea Time publicly. Who knows, you may be the next cash prize winner! **** Mafiosi Weigh-In: Anonymous Surveys Tea Time Needs Your Input! We, the editors at Tea Time, have decided it's been long over-due for the population of our Six Cities to have the chance to speak their minds freely. This is why we have come up with a solution of sorts: surveys. Every week we'll ask you for your honest, unbiased opinion on three issues. All you have to do is take the attached leaflets and fill them out completely. By the time the next issue rolls around, we'll have the results tabulated and your feedback ready for public review. Best part yet, it's all anonymous! Here is this week's new batch of questions. Thank you for your participation, and we look forward to giving you a free forum for your thoughts! Weigh-In Three* Weigh-In Four* Open Thought Forum Two* (*OOC Note: These links will take you to a different site. Open them in a separate tab or window if you wish to remain on the current page.) **** We are gossip journalists. We will take any piece of information and embellish or twist it to suit our needs. If you are offended by anything we say, you are probably taking yourself too seriously. Any comments? Questions? Concerns or complaints? Feel free to mail any of the editors with your thoughts. If you are a female interested in guest writing for Tea Time, please contact us and we will set up an interview with you promptly. |
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Once again ladies, you never fail to entertain and amuse. I find myself eagerly anticipating the next issue already. Please, do keep up the excellent work. |
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| Reply by: Daera at Jul 28, '08 19:25 | |
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Another fantastic issue that raises the bar; albeit a bar that The Bloody Tissue will go barrelling through with a grace, elegance and speed not unlike that of the mad dash to the shitter after 12 pints of cranberry juice and 7 burritos. But before the connection between "Tea Time!" and my bowel movements becomes completely cemented, I'll just congratulate you laydeez on another delightful triumph of satire. |
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| Reply by: Branston at Jul 28, '08 19:36 | |
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| I cannot begin to express my joy at reading this. It fills me with so many laughs really makes the day go by a little better, excellent job ladies some of the best stuff around. | |
| Reply by: DrFeelgood at Jul 28, '08 19:42 | |
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| SILK IS SINGLE?!?!?!? | |
| Reply by: UncleNicky at Jul 28, '08 19:46 | |
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Lovely effort by lovely ladies. Except for that Heidi, of course. Looks like someone bludgeoned her with a warthog. |
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| Reply by: SavageHenry at Jul 28, '08 19:55 | |
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| Absolutely hilarious - congratulations on another great issue! | |
| Reply by: Alessia at Jul 28, '08 19:56 | |
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I was excited about her joining our staff. Then I actually tried to hold a conversation with her. ...Not so much excitement anymore. |
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| Reply by: Marietta at Jul 28, '08 19:56 | |
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| SILK IS SINGLE?!?!?!? | |
| Reply by: UncleNicky at Jul 28, '08 19:56 | |
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Excellent reads can only echo those of DrFeelGood! bravo to you guys down there at Tea Time |
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| Reply by: LightSpeed at Jul 28, '08 19:57 | |
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| UNCLENICKY HAS TOURETTE'S?!?!?!? | |
| Reply by: Vienna at Jul 28, '08 19:59 | |
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feeds his pet donkey and lion Cheers! |
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| Reply by: Czar at Jul 28, '08 20:00 | |
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| SILK IS SINGLE?!?!?!? | |
| Reply by: UncleNicky at Jul 28, '08 20:01 | |
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great issue again but can you keep it up for a third issue everyone knows that the third issue makes or breaks even the hardest and toughest reporters. keep up the good work ladies. |
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| Reply by: Giovanni_Moretti at Jul 28, '08 21:09 | |
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WOW! This is great. I look forward to the next issue. |
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| Reply by: JMK at Jul 28, '08 21:28 | |
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She approaches the lovely Tea Ladies and hands them each a single yellow rose with pink tips on each petal. She shakes their hands and smiles. Fantastic job.. Even if Doctor Whatshisname is full of shite. I can barely do the two step let alone anything like he describes. I swear that you made my day, well, evening. Thank you for doing this. |
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| Reply by: Iris at Jul 28, '08 21:31 | |
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Great read! I hope the part about me being single doesn't attract too many crazy stalkers. |
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| Reply by: Silk at Jul 28, '08 21:38 | |
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| Well Ladies i must say i was quite a fan of your work and for the most part i did quite enjoy this as well. Except for the obvious part about me being some sort of Hitter and being this fellow named TheKing. I freely acknowledge that i did in fact win the toy truck fight. | |
| Reply by: Darth_Vader at Jul 28, '08 21:59 | |
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Sure Darth_Vader, whatever makes you sleep better at night after you finish watching me play with MY truck. It’s a great read and I look forward to the next. Keep it up. |
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| Reply by: Tony-Papalia at Jul 28, '08 22:12 | |
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Wow, this was my first time ever reading this. Funny stuff ladies. Bravo! claps very violently |
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| Reply by: Dominico-Antonio at Jul 29, '08 03:33 | |
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