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| The Art of the Invitation Request | Started by: Daera on Jul 29, '08 21:22 |
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With so many words tossed about regarding the new blood to our shores, protecting them, helping them, and offering homes, it seems only fair and balanced to address the other half of this equation... the half that actually requires effort on behalf of the young turk in sorting his own protection. I won't be addressing recruitment or 'whoring' here. Sorry. You can take it to another corner. Instead, I'd like to discuss the many types of invitation requests I get, nearly every day. 1. The Ringside Champion This guy comes out of nowhere, a regular Jack Dempsey, beats the crap out of my bodyguards and requests an audience and an invitation into the family. What does this tell me about him? No self control for one. He could have gotten my attention without violence, surely. A lack of respect, as well. Hey, why just say hello? No, friend. A simple "Hello." isn't your style. You're a New York Ninja and proud of. Welcome to the family, we get off on violence here. Mostly though, we like to take it out on those fresh off the boat, preferably less than two days out. Self control is for pussies. 2. Granny Smith The complete opposite of our first candidate, Granny Smith is about as meek as they come. They paint themselves as lowly or unworthy, and are unable to meet my gaze. Old bean here just might have an aneurism from the stress of talking to someone in my position. EMS be on alert. What does this tell me about this person? They're probably useless as a one armed juggler. A gunshot or a gusty fart will probably induce a coronary or incontinence in this one. But what the hell. Welcome to the family. You can snag all the hag's bags at your weekly garden party at the Kiwanis Club. 3. Miraculous Lazarus Poor John. Died of old age. And a bullet to the head, no less. Bless him. Good fellow and a damn fine earner. Its just a shame his gun malfunctioned after aiming at that sleeping hobo. At least the funeral was well attended. Mental note: Have Vienna send flowers. Then as I'm about to open the door to my office, I rub my eyes. There's John, right there. At least it looks like John. But I just saw John in the coffin, right? Luckily this guy has a nametag. John2. What a coincidence. "Hey Boss, its me." I blink. John2 sounds a lot like John. "Hey, can I get an invite? I died. El oh el." Its times like these, I'm glad I carry my Zombinator (patent pending) baseball bat. Mental note: Have Vienna send flowers again. 4. The Childhood Accident No, not the kind you find at 3 am in the backseat of pop's car with a broken prophylactic. This guy is much less messy but epically more tragic. Dropped on his head as a young child. While otherwise unmarred, the accident left a hell of a dent and speech impediment. I can see his mouth moving, and I can hear sounds, but nothing he says is anything close to coherent. Hell, maybe I'm the idiot. I'm not much of a world traveler; it could just be a foreign dialect. I kindly hand him my pen and a piece of paper so he can transcribe. hay im new n they toll me 2 ax u 4 n nvite so can i get 1 plz Ah. Alabama. Come on in, Gump. 5. Not Revan This guy is so Not Revan, if there were a Revanometer with a scale from 1 to Revan, he'd break it. Unfortunately, you've just used up your last roll of aluminum foil. Not today, Not Revan. Not today... 6. Oliver Twist This guy, the hobbling handout whore, can't even get off the boat without making his way to my pocket. I catch him in the act, of course, the observant bugger I am, but I just can't resist those big, brown, tear-filled eyes. "Please sir, don't kill me. Please sir, I'm new. Please sir, can I have an invite. Please sir, can I get a loan? Please sir, can I have some more?" Sorry there, Tiny Tim. No soup for you. 7. The Starving Author Everyday, Vienna brings me my mail and a warm cup of tea. I'd have Branston do it, but he doesn't look so good in latex. He does have nicer legs though. In the midst of all the bills and invoices, I usually come upon a really thick envelope. Upon opening said envelope, a stack of papers falls on my desk. I start to read, but I quickly get lost in the pages of personal history and a few genealogical diagrams tossed in for added effect. I send for Vienna. I'm going to need another cup of tea. Its quite a good read, and eight hours later, I feel like I've known this person my entire life. Or at least theirs. What they transcribed of it anyway. I could have done without the tale of complications during potty training, or the puberty years. Nonetheless, sounds like a damn fine chap. I think I'll send them an invite. Lets hope they respond with a simple thank you, and not a detailed etymology of the meaning of gratitude. Somedays, I really appreciate Gump. (DISCLAIMER: I actually really like Alabama and the hardnosed stance they take against baby helmets. However, should any Alabamites be offended by this observation, please send all hatemail to: Headquarters of The New Scum c/o John2 2200 Main Street 3rd Floor Suite New York City, New York) |
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| What a great read. Those descriptions are so true there not even funny. No, wait, I'm sorry they are very funny. | |
| Reply by: JMK at Jul 29, '08 21:32 | |
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| You love the not Revan guy, it's a free kill really...oh wait... | |
| Reply by: DrFeelgood at Jul 30, '08 01:04 | |
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Marietta listens and begins to nod once the New York Mob Boss has finished speaking. She smiles a bit, her green eyes darting over to the other man who spoke first, before turning to the Family Head once more. Too true, Consig Daera. I have found many indicators of people just like you describe in many of my ancestor's journals. Funnily enough, it also seems that the invite request that a young thug or civilian sends usually sets the bar for what type of a member they will become to each crew. The "Childhood Accidents" often remain crippled for life, the "Oliver Twists" continue to ask for that soup, while the "Starving Authors" you speak of usually become the ones who turn their talents into cultivating business and lively Street entertainment. Or at least, we can only hope they do. I think what you have said today, SirMam, is a good lesson for those who are just entering this world, as well as some bloodlines who still have problems with gaining entry into families today. The more thought you put into something, the more valuable and worthy of being a potential member you make yourself seem. If you want results, you have to put out some effort first. |
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| Reply by: Marietta at Jul 30, '08 01:18 | |
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| Not from Alabama, but sent one hate-mail to the address below, just for the heck of it... someone gotta do it right? And guess what, Canada Post brought it back to me - Receiver not found o.O What kind of fraud is that? | |
| Reply by: KraKra at Jul 30, '08 01:56 | |
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It probably had something to do with the Zombinator. Just a guess. However, he complains now, bu he rather enjoyed my overly verbose letter requesting an invitation to his family. ESPECIALLY the uncomfortable puberty years. Faker. |
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| Reply by: Vienna at Aug 01, '08 01:36 | |
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She stumbles in a little bit late. Blushing she gives Daera a very apologetic look, batting her eyelashes and holding out a tin of his favorite coffee cookies. Yes, I know that this has fallen to the side but I feel it is a topic that many of the new members of our society should read. How someone approaches me when requesting information regarding joining The Java Cartel is my first contact with them. What they say, how they act, and the way they carry themselves is a deciding factor for me. These are the people that are representing what our family has worked so hard to gain. What they say and do will reflect upon myself as much as it does them. I don't want some rude, pre-pubescent, closet-dwelling wanker in my family. I want someone that is going to work hard and be successful. So to those of you new to our Streets, remember this, use it as a guide to get yourself known and respected. You'll go further if you do. |
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| Reply by: Iris at Aug 03, '08 18:14 | |
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Eepster slinks around lost in old memories. This one makes her smile before she runs off to go beat another Grandma up. |
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| Reply by: Eepster at Oct 14, '11 20:19 | |
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*reads the MR bible*
I see nothing here about random invitations to people being inappropriate.
Is this something else that the pseudo intelligensia want to tell us how to live? |
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| Reply by: fluffymonkeygibbon at Oct 16, '11 17:26 | |
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No, it's based on the fact that the mafia is a secret society, and so it should be basic common sense that we don't walk up to strangers and offer them the keys to our headquarters. |
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| Reply by: EddieSchumacher at Oct 16, '11 17:54 | |
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