*tips hat and looks out at the street, looking for a particular type of person.

Whilst we all go about our serious daily business, i know some of you have quite the witt, the humour, and therefore we need to hear it.

The title of Worlds Funniest Mafiosa is up for grabs. This is your chance, the funniest mafia story, quick mafia joke, observation of mafia life.... the Winner gets a badge.

so if you want to ask can fat people go skinny-dipping? or if a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors? 

then here is the place

its over to you !

*steps off the stage corner and waits*

Walks up and steals some PUREGOLD off the streets... shortly after a car comes screeching up. Before taking off SquidMaster flings some jelly at the nearby standing citizens...

Hi my name is KuKu and I'm too be taken seriously!

Kurtz sidles up to the microphone, flask in hand. Clearly enjoying the thick end of his Saturday night, he grins at PUREGOLD and takes a final swing from the flask. Several fumbled attempts see it finally returned to his jacket pocket and he looks out across the expectant faces.

The story I am about to tell is very crude. It has sexual content and is not for the faint hearted. If any of these things give cause for concern, I suggest to look away now...

Looking at the unmoving faces with a wicked smile, he continued.

Ok then... I shall begin.

There was a young couple called John and Irene who had moved into a new neighbourhood. They had moved because John had secured himself a job at a different factory and needed to live closer to work. Anyway, they had only been in their new house for a week when John got to the end of his first week's work with his new company. As the day drew to a close his new workmates asked him out for a drink. He was reluctant to go due to arrangements with Irene.

No fellas I can't. The wife is at home and my ma is visiting and they have dinner planned and everything, I need to get home.

The guys had taken a shine to John over the course of the week and weren't taking no for an answer. They cajoled and barracked him jovially.

Its ok John, we all got families to attend to but its Friday man, its the end of your first week. Surely no wife is gonna begrudge a guy a drink with his new workmates on this one day? Come on man, you don't have to stay long. Just one or two drinks tops then you can get back home and she'll be happy as ever. Come on John, come on!

Eventually John cracks and agrees to go for 'one drink'. They get to the bar, have a glass or two and John starts to relax. He's happy with these guys as new workmates and he starts to have a laugh. Before you know it they are all roaring drunk and falling around the bar laughing together. In the middle of the drunken blur John remembers what he was supposed to be doing and looks at his watch. Its 11:30pm. His eyes almost pop out of his head. Getting the attention of his blind drunk colleagues, he says his goodbyes.

Lads. Its getting on for midnight, I'm going to get murdered when I get home. You're all going to have only worked with this guy for one week because come Monday, I'm in a coffin! I gotta go guys. Thanks for the drinks!

Pleased that John had stayed and played, they all clap him on the back and wish him well, saying they'll see him next week etc. John staggers home. As he walks up his street he sees his house. The windows are all dark. He's filled with dread and curses his choices as he approaches the front door. Creeping in as quietly as possible he walks up the stairs in the darkened house and pads into his and his wife's bedroom silently. Closing the door behind him he turns and looks through the gloomy half light of the bedroom. He can just about make out the form of his wife's body under the sheets. He sees the shape of her parted legs under the sheets and is struck by an idea.

Quietly he undresses and lifts up the sheets. From the foot of the bed he slides up under the sheets between her legs and begins to give her oral pleasure. He knows he is in for a serious argument if he doesn't make this special so he goes all out. Employing every technique and touch ever devised> he works tirelessly and attentively, taking care of every possible sensation until eventually her whole body goes into a long series of ecstatic spasms. She writhes and bucks as he drains her of ever last ounce of her joy. Finally her body collapses with a soft moan, spent and satisfied and John crawls back down the bed and out from under the covers.

Feeling sure there is no way his wife can remain angry with him after that, he decides to get ready for bed and head into the bathroom. Quietly closing the door behind him, he turns on the light and is hit by the shock of his life. His wife standing right in front of him!

OH MY FUCKING GOD HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET THERE!?!?

His wife face is a picture of alarm and she swiftly covers his mouth with her hands saying:

Shhhhhhhhhhh! You'll wake your mother up!

Kurtz...extremely disturbing indeed.

Lol, that is funny!

Lalaith, after almost choking on her drink hearing Kurtz' joke, decided she had one of her own to share. Clearing her throat, she tried to project her voice over the sounds of groans and giggles.

There were two nuns in the bath. One said to the other, 'Where's the soap?' to which the other replied, 'Yes, it does, doesn't it?'

Glancing around at the hushed crowd, Lalaith sat back down and wondered if it was time to get her coat.

EzY has a few jokes n thought held say em,

1stly, whats the simularities between sex and bunjie jumping ? when the rubber breaks your FUCKED

2ndly, thier was three men driving through a desert, they had traveld ages then thier car broke down, they all decided to take 1 thing from the car to make it back to civilisation,

the 1st man took the water - he said with this ill survive for the longest by far n then left

the 2nd man took the food - he said with this ill have the second best chance n then left leaving the 3rd man to make his choice

later they all meet up in the desert and the 1st n 2nd man said WHAT THE FUCK to the third WHAT R U DOING, the 3rd man was carrying a door and he replied WELL I THOUGHT IF IT GOT HOT I COULD WIND THE WINDOW DOWN

and lastly

thier was a Irish man Scotish n English man walking through the desert n they came across a lamp, they gave it a rub, a genie came out n said ill grant you all 1 wish each.

the English man said - i wanna go home to my mansion with its swimming pool n my wife n kids

the genie replied - granted n with the click of his fingers the Eng man was sent home

the Scot man said - i wanna go home to my flat n bird n a nice ice cold beer

the genie replied - granted n with the click of his fingers the Scot man was sent home

the Irish man then sat n thought for a while n couldnt think of anything, he then got a idea, "im bored i want the others back"

the genie replied - granted n with click of his fingers the others were back

ok funny jokes, but apart from Kurtz, nothing mafia funny though......

do I see any other wannabe stand ups?

You're very confused. My one liner was by far the funniest

This guy, Artie, gets tired of working so hard and not getting anywhere, and seeing all these guys in the Mafia in their fine three piece suits and fancy cars, decides that he has to join the Mafia.

He goes up to one of the guys and says, " I want to join the Mafia."

The guy answers, " You ever kill any one for money?"

Artie answers, "No."

The guy says, " Well, you either got to be born into the mafia, or you gotta kill somebody for money."

So Artie says, " How much will you pay me?"

The guy says, " I'm not gonna pay you."

Artie says, " C'mon, just pay me a dollar so I can get in."

The guy says, " Okay, I'll tell you what. You kill somebody, tell me about it, and if I see it in the morning paper, I'll pay you a dollar."

Artie says, " Oh thank you, thank you!" and heads off on his mission. He goes to Ralphs Supermarket, sees an old lady pushing a cart, and decides that she's lived a full life, goes up to her, grabs her round the neck and chokes her to death.

The bag boy sees him, and chases after him. Artie realizes that he can't out run the bag boy, turns around, grabs the bag boy by the neck and chokes him to death.

In the morning paper the headlines read, " ARTIE CHOKES TWO FOR A DOLLAR AT RALPHS!"

that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.

The Godfather tells the lawyer “Ask him where the ten million bucks he embezzled from me is.” The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.

The bookkeeper signs back: “I don’t know what you are talking about.”

The attorney tells the Godfather: “He says he doesn’t know what you’re talking about.” The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper’s temple and s says “Ask him again!”

The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: “He’ll kill you if you don’t tell him!” The bookkeeper signs back: “OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo’s backyard in Queens !”

The Godfather asks the attorney: “Well, what’d he say?” The attorney replies: “He says you don’t have the balls to pull the trigger.”

that last one has the be the funniest so far :)