• I like work: it fascinates me. I can sit and look at it for hours.

• My act is very educational. I heard a man leaving the other night saying, 'Well that taught me a lesson'.

• Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: Bachelors and Husbands.

• The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

• Everyone makes mistakes. The trick is to make mistakes when nobody is looking.

• If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of the stuff?

• Love is so confusing - you tell a girl she looks great and what's the first thing you do? Turn out the lights!

• If you try and don't succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.

• When I die, I want to die like my grandmother, who died peacefully in her sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in her car.

• Doing nothing is very hard to do...you never know when you're finished.

• Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from many, it's research.

• Not all man are fools, some stay bachelors.

• If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

• Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Aoife Skips out into the street and hands Sweetums a bag of popcorn and a daisy.

You have alot of good points, Sweetums. 

Then she waves politley and disappears into the crowd.