I've been monitoring the current hitlist the last couple of days, and, ladies and gentlemen, I have noticed something truly troublesome.

Literally everybody else has received a proper number on their hit.

Let's start with Kuku

$250,000 

A clean quarter of a million. Not one dollar more or less. Someone truly gave thoughts to the hit. Made it easy to say and you could say quite respectable.

Then we have Bjorn (pronounced B-journ) 

$100,000,000

That is one hundred million dollars for my illiterate friends.

And guess what?

Not one,

Not two,

Not three,

Not three and a half,

Not four, 

Not four and a quarter

(Getting tired eh, sorry I have a min word target to meet)

But FIVE TIMES. FIVE HUNDRED MILLION DOLLARS.

That's dramatic. One could truly take pride in that. It sends a message to the whole country who this guy is. 

Either way, we move onto none other than the RegMan. 

$69

Completely in character for the undisputed leader of Dorktown. But still. Everybody understands the joke. 

And then, there is mine.

$900,000

What type of a dumb number is that?

Imagine saying nine hundred thousand dollars. Like ew.

It's not small enough to be considered an insult, and not funny enough to have any hidden meaning behind it. It's just 900k.

I could picture the conversation that went on behind the scenes of my hit listers. 

Person A: "yo bro did ya put the mill on that mono-arch"

Person B: "yah bro bro, no bro"

Person A: "whatdya mean bro, i told you one mill"

Person B: "bro, we spent the 100k from the total bro"

Person A: "what on bro"

Person B: "TETLEY bro"

And there you have it my friends. This is exactly how the conversation went. 

Now you might say there was only one person who did this. You would be terribly mistaken. This geniusness comes from at least 2 people.

But then again, why TETLEY?

Did someone start on a perfect $1 million, then deduct any tea expenses and put the rest on my head?

The rest of you have jokes, insults, threats and whatnot.

Me on the other hand, I have TETLEY.

What is TETLEY?

Who is TETLEY?

Where is TETLEY?

WHY IS TETLEY?

(remember the min words count)

I've been doing an extensive investigation and have come to the conclusion that TETLY can only mean:

T - Titties

E - Erections

T - Tequila

L - Lingerie

E - Ex-wives

Y - Yachts

Or at least that's where I think the missing $100,000 went.

Either way, I shall close this with,

At the crossroads, don't turn left.

Monarch, whoever placed the hit on you did it to make it look like I did it  as TETLEY hates me (nobody knows why).

Whilst I have your attention, why did you murder ArmieHammer?

On the plus side at least it didn’t say Meow-Meow. Count your blessings…

Also, when it comes to complaining about proper numbers - let’s be clear that ‘45’ is not a proper number of units for someone 451 days old. Are you aiming for 60 by 600 or something? You’ve been a crew leader for about a year. Even your own mother is disappointed by you. If I get 75 units before you get 60 I might just put you and your secret fan out of your collective misery and claim the $900k bounty.

It's also important to note that PropertyManager earned a valuation of precisely $0. I'm no math guy, so someone else needs to run those algorithms, but that seemed about right to me. 

I have to say, "Whatever you do at the crossroads, don't turn left.

Whatever you do at the crossroads, don't turn left.

Whatever you do at the crossroads, don't turn left.

Whatever you do at the crossroads, don't turn left.

Whatever you do at the crossroads, don't turn left.

Whatever you do at the crossroads, don't turn left."

Kuku I believe we should get a separate investigation group started regarding these claims you're making. 

Naturally, I will be the one leading it.

This is the first time i hear of TETLEY hating you? You, the leader of the streets!

He should be admiring you, building statues of you, offering all of his belongings to the Iron Bank.

I also do not believe you were the one who placed the hit on me. So, my search continues on finding out this culprit. 

As per ArmieHammer, I quite liked him. He truly was a man of Arms.

Two of them I believe. 

Not sure if he left notes but when he threw out the idea of sending out newsletters once per day, I actually suggested to make them twice a day! Once in the morning and later on the evening.

However, he reached the crossroads.

He turned left.

Michael approached the crowd. It smelled of West Coast sea water.

There seems to be an even better, more important issue than the hitlist here. You see, it has come to my attention that no matter what you have to do in life, DO NOT TURN LEFT. Of course we all thought of it to be malarkey, but I have a cousin. We’ll call him Turned Left Tony. Turned Left Tony ignored all warnings. We haven’t seen him since. The funny part about Tony is the fact that he didn’t even turn left! He simply looked left before cross the streets. Tragedy.

Don’t turn left. Please.

Monarch, I just want to know if you had to picture the conversation really because it sounds to me that it is more likely that conversation definitely did happen. 

Well Monarch. It happened. I got 75 units before you got 60…
 

You've been given the nod to purchase up to 75 units of drugs.

The hunt begins
 

This is true. But it’s been over 27 hours since he last attacked my HQ. I don’t think he even knows where the jail is. It’s not bragging about beating him, it’s threatening him to get his act together!