Buddy was chilling in the HQ when he heard a person approaching the HQ. Immediately he and the whole crew began barking uncontrollably. The individual finally reached the front door and knocked - the barking got louder with everyone leaping up against windows to see who it could be.

At the door stood Michael. In his single gloved hand was a large brown envelope.

Cristoforo opened the door, brushed him down and accompanied him through to Buddy’s study. There Buddy sat at his writing bureau. Without looking up he raised an eyebrow saying…

You’re a long way from New York Michael. I could smell you coming from 100 yards down the street…what brings you to LA then? A plot against Matty maybe? Planning some target practice on Norella after  Richard-Harrow rubbed you up the wrong way again perhaps? 

Michael plonked his envelope down on the desk. As he did so the bulging envelope split and bundles of cash spilled out over the surface and into the floor.

On your desk is $10m. I have a proposal for you…

After several hours of discussion, fuelled by several dog bowls of cognac, the two figures stumbled out into the street, ready to announce their plan…

Ladies and Gentlemen,

Amongst us lives a cretin. The least deserving button man on the west coast, the least successful pro wacker north of Tijuana, the least original name South of Toronto.

I am of course talking about PropertyManager. Now I could put this $10m bounty on his head and have it over and done with, but Michael has convinced me that words hurt more than actions and it’s about time that people let him know exactly what we think of him. Get it all out of the system, break his spirit and who knows - with some luck, perhaps he’ll even turn the gun on himself.

So here is the proposal:

To: BuddyBigPaw

From: Michael

Sent: Jul 11, '26 07:48

Subject: MR Event - Comedy Central Roast

 

You’re the king of events. What if, hear me out, what if you hosted a Comedy Central Roast for PropertyManager. Best post in the thread gets 10m cash. I’ll find it personally lol

lol indeed.

So here it is:

Roast PropertyManager

$10m for the best one.

$5m runner up.

$1m for every entry.

And if he kills himself under the pressure I’ll send a $5m bonus to everyone who entered up until that point!

To help the judges feel free to tip any good entries. 

Don't you think he's been through enough already?  His terrible father, DetroitSimon, tossed him into a trash bin as a baby, thinking that would be the end of it.  Through sheer will and tenacity, he survived. Not only did he survive, but he prospered as a slum lord in the rough streets of New York before heading out west to find the only family he knew - his estranged father.

Did DetroitSimon welcome his prodigal son home with open arms? Nay, he was constantly berated for the slightest social faux pas, belittled, and held at a rank well below his potential and capabilities. That is, of course, until last week when Simon came back to the HQ drunk as hell, promoted PropertyManager to Capo, said "I love you, son", and tried to kiss him on the mouth.

The next morning, waking up hungover and angry, Simon became furious at the newly minted button man, denied paternity, and threw his waffle breakfast up against the wall.  Nobody has dared speak about it until now. Someone had to say something.

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, LEAVE PROPERTYMANAGER ALONE!

Ah yes, PropertyManager, perhaps the strongest (smelling) New Yorker to have ever lived. Once a stable hand for the dim witted and very much dead Yankee and then our wonderful PM fled to Philadelphia, took a train and somehow found himself in the service of Simon.

I always did think it was funny how he is called PropertyManager to his friends despite having no properties to manage.. I wonder what his real name is. Probably something stupid. Jeffrey? David? Anyways, not that it matters.

Norella and I took a trip together some years ago to a beautiful area. While there, in beautiful Booty Bay (Great name, I know) we saw PropertyManager haggling with an old Chinese man trying to buy some gold doubloons for some strange looking money? It was perhaps the weirdest thing I had seen in a long time, but knowing PM, it wasn't that weird.

Michael stepped forward. The crowd went wild. He lifted his white glove, silencing the crowd in one motion. He spoke in his soft voice:

The folk in New York will tell you I’m a shy person… but tonight isn’t about me. Tonight belongs to a very funny friend of ours. A very funny looking friend. I was just a kid growing up on the streets of New York when my mother showed me a picture of PropertyManager. ‘If you ever see this man, run. Don’t look back.’ Lo and behold, one evening on the way back from getting a few items at the grocery store, my mother suddenly dropped everything and took off running. Eggs weren’t cheap, and milk was a delicacy to us, so her actions concerned me. Across the street I could spot PropertyManager wearing pink tightey whities, suitcase in one hand with a cigar in the other. It was disgusting. I mean, I was only a kid and my eyes could only process so much filth.

Anyways, he caught me staring at him and decided to come over to where I stood. I’ll admit, I was terrified. People were pointing at him, and one lady even started throwing up. I remember a baby crying nonstop. When PropertyManager stood in front of me he ruffled my hair with one hand then dug into his pocket, pulling out a handful of hundred dollar bills.  “Hey kid, seen you admiring my package over from across the street. Eat your veggies and maybe you’ll grow up lucky. Tell you what, take this money and go get some hookers and start practicing now.”

This single event jump started my entire career. Having moved to Mexico, and changing her name due to such a traumatic experience, my mother never returned. Rumor has it that PropertyManager caused her to run straight from Brooklyn across the border. With father dead, I decided to take the money and pick up singing lessons. Fast forward to today I am now the most handsome man in the business, bust as I said earlier, this isn’t about me. Even though he doesn’t manage property, a true squatter at heart, we (love) tolerate you PropertyManager.

Well this was almost as disappointing as Monarch’s attempt to reach godfather.

Given that Richard-Harrow was essentially our only entrant he is therefore the de facto winner.

More disappointing still was the fact that due to @Elijah_Woods’ comments there were in fact as many defences of PropertyManager as there were slurs.

Your accountant makes note that $10,000,000 has been wired to Richard-Harrow from your account. The note "First prize in a one horse race" was included.

Back to the drawing board…

Elijah_Woods…Elijah_Yoder….that actually made me crack myself up