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| Tea Time!: Issue Three | Started by: Marietta on Aug 04, '08 19:49 |
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Tea Time: Gossip Tabloid Issue Three: Standing Up For Freedom You don't like us, and we sure as hell don't like you! Welcome to Tea Time, an all female run, written and edited (heavily-biased) magazine designed for passing on the most entertaining news to American Mobsters. Last week's paper evoked a rather large outpouring of negative response from several different cities. To this we the editors merely have to say: No. We will not apologize for what we print. We will not apologize for what our reporters write. This paper is designed to bring entertainment to the Seven Cities, and that is what we do (for the most part). Some of what we say is false, some of it is heresy, some of it is outlandish spins on factual events. Whatever the rhyme or reason we are merely broadening our reader's horizons with the opinions of a small group of people. It has been too long since people were allowed to speak freely. Even if we only represent a small minority of the population of Mobsters, we are still representing our right to stand up and say what is on our minds. Difference is what makes America unique. Tea Time is standing up for our American, constitutional rights. We are standing up for freedom. Get ready everyone, because it's Tea Time! Sunshine and rainbows, Frankiee, Lily and Marietta Disclaimer: If you are wearing a bold or slanty suit, you WILL be the subject of many of our articles. If you don't like it, deal. It comes with the territory. **** ~Fuckerish Mob, Inc~ .C.S.W.S. Article by Reporter Black Finally you've made it to America! You've got a few coins in your pocket and a tip to join a crime family to make your coins double, triple even. So you go out and look for some work. After a long day of trudging through the dirty city of your choice you find yourself shaking a mob bosses hand, roof over you head, food in your stomach and a family. A family. Your family. You've sworn yourself to them, you took the pain from the hot sear as they branded the letter or symbol of the family into your skin, you wear that scarf with the families colors proudly around your shoulder. Your boss has extended more than he or she ever needed to, to help you get yourself on your feet. You repay them with joining an underground group. Repay them with taking a stronger, greater and deeper oath to the Fuckerish Mob. Fuckerish Mob, Fuckerish Mob, where do I even start. Well they do have the one up on made man ceremonies. If the high council of Fuckerish Mob sees you fit to be a made man within their cult they will invite you to a formal ritual. That's right, a ritual, blindfold and all. You are led into a small room, a blindfold covering your eyes. Motioned to sit down you do, they take off the blind fold and the highest of highs, Dominick_Scalese, stands in front of you. The only light in the room or maybe cave is from a few candles around the place. The fire flickers as others stir around you, their names change, but the blood in them doesn't. Dominick leans into you asking if you are ready. You shake your head nervously because really you don't know what you are ready for, but you assume Dominick is a good man, he treats you better then your own boss. He then says repeat after me and you do. At the end he congratulates you on your promotion and you go home to your other boss, the one you have broken that family loyalty with. You think back on your last promotion in this family and it just happened to be your made man one. It wasn't anything like the one you just had with Fuckerish, Dominick really blew your boss out of the water on that ceremony. You get back to your place and look at yourself in the mirror, grinning. Even if your boss found out that you were apart of this other group, this cult he wouldn't care. This is a problem. **** Killer Rodent Makes Don Who Will Be His Next Victim? Article by Reporter Pot Killer Hamster, Mr. Large has reached Don. We have to wonder though, how hard has it been for him not to kill off all of his members in order to keep enough in the family to get his new position? I'm sure the murdering will resume back into full effect, now that he has reached his goal. It looks as though he's already picked up where he left off in killing off one of his very own Wise Guys. At least he's moved on from Earners, right? His headquarters is full to the brim and about to overflow. Beware new comers, if his HQ looks flashy and catchy it's only a ploy for you to be target practice. Consider yourself warned. He's been known to use fancy pieces of cheese and sunflower seeds to lure new civilians. Congratulations on Don, LargeHamster. We await your next appearance outside of your wheel. Hopefully it will be to kiss babies and shake hands, not eat them. **** Enough Is Enough Mob Boss Seeks Treatment for Alcoholism Article by Reporter Kettle Over here at the Tea Time Home Base it has been a long standing joke that the Don of Chicago employed over fifty Right Hand Men and Women. Lately, though, it seems as if these people were hired more than just to don the snazzy slanty suits that come with the title of their jobs. An insider states that Don Alessia has hired these individuals to act not only as her support system for the family, but as her support system in getting over her most horrific habit. The woman in charge of Chicago has been a long time sufferer of alcoholism, showing up at many public and private venues visibly wasted out of her mind and generally creating a buzz by giving long, drawn out senseless speeches or short, choppy two liners that have no relevance to the topic at hand. This past week, however, we have seen a miraculous turn around, and our sources confirm it is because of these 'Right Hand Men and Women'. "She hired a bunch of substance abuse counselors to sort of guide her through her weakest moments," the informant confided to me early yesterday morning. "They act as her Right Hands so that the public isn't aware there is really a problem." Trust me, we were aware of the problem. Either way, what an improvement these men and women seem to make! Masquerading as her second-in-commands, they take turns escorting her to her functions and 'keeping her in line'. I myself witnessed such a feat the other day. Don Alessia approached a large group of people upon the Streets and began to give a speech about her life as a child. She was obviously under the influence, over-emphasizing every other word and eventually mumbling herself into oblivion halfway through. Two of these counselors were, for the curious crowd that had started to gossip about the antics of the Family Head, luckily on hand. One quickly jumped into action, distracting the gathered Mobsters and convincing them (with words and a rather hefty gun) to forget everything they had seen. The other, after escorting her from the stage, pistol whipping her about and dunking her head into an ice cold bucket of water, drug the Don back to the Street corner and helped her back onto the overturned orange crate. Alessia, though stunned and wide-eyed from shock, started over: delivering her lengthy speech perfectly, a far cry from her broken English two-liners of last week. We the citizens of the Seven Cities can merely only commend these fine ladies and gentleman for their public service. When you see one of these Men or Woman in Slanty Suits, please be sure to extend a warm, heartfelt gesture of appreciation. Thank you, brave souls, for taking on a task larger than life and seemingly succeeding thus far. Thank you for riding Don Alessia of this affliction that not only has hit her, but has plagued our entire world for so long. **** HEIDI, YOU BITCH, ANSWER THIS Our New Advice Columnist Answers Any And All Questions Q: Dear Heidi, I'm a rather quiet person, but I would love the chance to become the new auth of Detroit. What do you suggest I do to catch the eyes of the current leadership? Thanks for your help, Hopeful A: Hopeful, here's a bit of advice I got off a monk once when I was in Thailand (and never mind what I was doing there): When in doubt, self-immolation. No, really, I know you don't want to set yourself on fire. So your best bet is to just go about it the old fashioned way and work for it. Hit the streets, earn some money, put your name out there. Nobody's going to know who the hell you are if you don't speak up, so just get out there and start talking, but make sure everything you say has substance. If you can't think of anything, then you don't deserve what you're trying to get anyway. Now, seeing as you certainly aren't going to go start working for it like I just suggested -- self-immolation. Seriously. ~ Q: Greetings, Heidi Hoels! Lately it seems as if my Boss, who shall go unnamed, has increased taxes. While I don't mind giving a bigger cut to the Big Guy, I do daily donations as well. It's all starting to take a less than positive effect on my bank account. Every day I see less and less zeroes strapped onto the end of those front numbers. I want to broach the subject with him. How do you think I should bring it up without getting bitch slapped into tomorrow? - Negative Account A: Never fear, my friend. Just consider what I'm about to do as a public service. DaKine -- what the fuck, man? Ease up on the taxes, will ya? I mean, no need to gouge these poor gangsters of yours like this. Yes, we know your grandmother doesn't really need that gallbladder operation. Come off it. And tell your members to stop whining to me. ~ Q: Heidi, I was rather offended by some of the things printed in last week's Tea Time. Some of my children read the paper, and I would appreciate it if such things like swearing and blatant vilification of today's brightest Mobsters were just left out of print. Could you possibly put in a word to the editors to make the magazine a little more 'family friendly'? Momma A: Wait, what? Children? I hate kids. Fuck the kids. Now, before you even start -- I don't mean fuck the kids (unless your Prem, then do what you gotta do, man). But fuck the kids. As for the "vilification of today's brightest Mobsters", HA! But we'll all be more than happy to knock off all the criticism once these shining stars begin to act entirely beyond reproach. After all, we can only report on what is there to be reported, right? That answer was a bit straight, wasn't it? I'm supposed to be caustic and in-your-face, and all that, and should probably insult you now. Really, the most fitfully insulting response I can think of in regards to your complaints is this: Score one for Creationism. Daffodils and chocolate sauce, as always, Heidi Hoels **** A Crime-Fighting 'Superhero' Among Us? Big Name Mobster Working Against Organized Crime Article by Reporter Kettle When one thinks of the ideal mobster they usually can conjure up a few names from this day and age. Many of those people selected will be our current City Bosses, Captains, Right Hands and Left Hands. These people usually fit the boot: well spoken, well-versed in the honor system and codes of our world, and someone who has fought against all odds to take a stand for organized crime. They are the heroes of our society, the ones the younger generations look up to and idolize. One would not associate the 'perfect Mafioso' with wearing a specially constructed suit and fighting against his brethren to keep crime in line. Recently it has been reported that Branston, part time RightandLeft Hand for the New York New Scum, has been skimming a bit on his time spent with his family and in his duties as a man responsible for the upkeep of a crew. Rather than concentrating on his truck heists, purse snatching and coffee-fetching for Daera, his sights have been set elsewhere. "He's already conquered quite a bit in the 'crime world'," an insider states. "Branston is looking to accomplish a lot in his life, and not just in the mob." In his down time the man, that many celebrated mobsters across America respect, has been seen donning a rather large and green phallic shaped costume. Rushing across the streets of Crime, USA in the dead of night, he calls himself the "Branston Pickle". He has single-handedly brought down some of the biggest thugs and gangsters who have been creating menial problems for the cops within the past few weeks. "Been a real help, bringing in people for vandalism and petty theft. The streets are a bit safer than they have been in years," reports New York Police Chief Tim Kingston. With an arsenal of deadly karate combined with expert gun wielding, watching the pickle capture his foe is quite a sight to behold. Yet how does this affect us, the members of our society? Will 'The Branston Pickle' eventually tire of his double life? Will he eventually look for bigger fish to fry, and start turning on some of his long-time friends, family and contacts? As the old adage goes, "Keep your friends close, but your enemies closer". What if your friend can become your enemy, and your enemy is one of your closest friends? For those of you who associate with the man, play your cards close to your chest. You may be the next victim to this crime busting vegetable. **** Kangaroo Sighting Hide Your Pouches Article by Reporter Pot On August 1st, Don Iris showed up in the streets to announce her newest Captain by the name of Kangaroo. The next day, this Kangaroo came out to the streets to announce his division of the Java Cartel, called The Mocha Syndicate. He hasn't announced any plans or goals for his captaincy, though we haven't seen him do anything outrageous yet like mass murdering his crew or making wild accusations whilst drunk. What does a Kangaroo do anyway? Many people are wondering. I've done some research though and have found some interesting information into the life of a Marsupial. They live with hundreds of other kangaroos in a pack, called a mob. How fitting, don't you think? However a bit sexist as the Mobs will be made up of mostly males, with only 15 female members. Ladies, hurry up and hop in if you want to be one of the first fifteen. After that, you'll be cut off. No Kangaroo for you. Hopefully he doesn't find a female companion too soon, as we would be seeing far too many Joeys running around possibly to be used in trying to recruit more into their Mob. Coincidence? I think not. Congratulations on your Captaincy, Kangaroo. We hope that you, Caligula, and whoever your LH is at any given time do a fine job in making Don Iris proud. Maybe you could work on letting more females in. **** Seen and Heard Tea Time's Latest Famous Mafiosi Sightings Right Hand Woman to the New York New Scum Vienna, canoodling and whispering into the ear of a famous politician. Was overheard saying "That's just what I have planned for later on..." Jano, Left Hand for the Chicago Mob Family, being escorted away by police for driving into the side of a bank in an attempt at robbery. Philadelphia Mob Boss Iris, staring into a mirror in a bathroom at Lucio's diner. Was heard saying "You can do this. Don't let those boys bully you into paying again." Out on an afternoon in a park, DaKine, leader of the New Orleans Mafia Syndicate, getting down on all fours and barking viciously at a woman pushing her child in a stroller. Alessia, Mob Boss of Chicago, wandering out of a New York business. Sat down on the sidewalk and began to giggle drunkenly to herself. FlyingPig, Right Hand to Java Cartel, testing out a pair of rocket-powered roller-skates. Was seen crashing into a brick wall and screaming "Fuck those young whipper snappers!" Left Hand to the Chicago Captaincy, Scarlett_Rose was seen hugging a street lamp and serenading it, mistaking it for her Boss Czar. Part-time Right Hand to LargeHamster AlfonsiTimello, picking up a few Las Vegas cross-dressing street walkers. **** Crime on the Rise in 'Motor City' "Buncha Hosers," Says Police Chief Article by Heidi Hoels The smell of cheap beer bloated the chilled morning air with a sense of warm familiarity. Long streams of smoke danced from the tops of factories across town and entangled themselves, then stretched into nothingness. Geese passed overhead in formation towards the river, which flowed easily with a soothing din, as the sun bounced playfully over the swells, gilding the water momentarily, before sending it on its way. What a dump, this place. Word had it, though, that the city was undergoing a monumental boom in criminal activity. Thugs were now filling the darkened alleyways of this once safe and comforting city, and rumors were circulating about several prominent Mafiosi having their hands in the newfound Detroit underground. Most of the criminals, I had heard however, were nickel-and-dime chumps, straight off the boat. Though, given the location, one has to wonder where in the blue fuck said boats were coming from. Adding to the curiosity of it all was the fact that the crime wave coincided with a dramatic spike in sales of maple syrup and back bacon. I scoffed silently at the flannel-clad working girls and pulled myself into a "speakeasy" to meet with my Detroit contact and guide, a man who had kept me swimming in gin a few years back, when nobody was moving anything yet. I found him at a depressingly nondescript round table tucked away against the back wall of the place. "Nice to see you again," He said, rising from his seat and leaning in to kiss me. "No," I said, planting two fingers solidly on his sternum. "This is business." "Uh-huh." He half-sighed and insisted on buying me a drink when we sat. "If I know my gal..." he said, calling to the bartender. "I'm not your gal." "Well, if I know you..." "You don't." He sighed once more, "Just... bring the lady a gin and tonic." "Scotch." I said sharply. He slouched with an audible 'hmph', and I made a mental note of which pocket of my purse I would put his nuts in. The Scotch burned that familiar Scotch burn. I lit a cigarette, hoping the smoke would obscure the tears welling in my eyes as I silently choked. "So what's the deal in this town?" I asked as easily as I could. "What, with all the punks?" He didn't wait for an affirmation, "Brining in booze from the Great White North, mostly, and running joints like this." "Sure," I said, "but why? I mean, it's 1935, man, prohibition ended two years ago. Hell, you can buy this stuff off the Kennedys no problem." I motioned toward my drink. He shrugged, "Shit if I know. They make good donuts though." It was about this time that we were interrupted by a passing whore who had supposedly known my contact in a past life. This was all too evident by the friendly banter and smiles that they threw shamelessly at one another. When she was gone, he turned back to me with a maddeningly smug smile, and I existed once again. "So," I said as flatly as I could manage, "Who was that?" "Her?" He shot back with feigned outrage. "Tessa? She's just a friend from way back." "Yeah." I said, "How much of a friend?" Then as an afterthought, "And how far back?" "Hey, nothing, just... alright, we were together for a while." "Hmm." I took the opportunity to burn his soul with my eyes a little. "Well, you left for Chicago! I didn't know if you were ever coming back." "So... Tessa Campanelli? "She was around." He shrugged. "You were fucking Tessa Campanelli?" "I..." "You bastard." I had grown tired of burning him spiritually, so I burned him physically, by grinding my cigarette out on his forehead. I sighed a bit as he collapsed on the floor, wailing about what a crazy bitch I am. I sipped the last bit of Scotch from my glass and confirmed with the bartender that my drink had gone on my friend's tab, collected my things and walked out in a ladylike manner, down to the phone booth on the corner to call Marietta and report what I'd uncovered. "So?" She asked, "What'd you find up there?" "Oh nothing," I breathed out, "Just a few acres of snow." **** Nutella The Stalking Truth Article by Reporter Black It's always been cautioned to women not to walk by themselves at night, especially down dark back alleys and in disturbing looking bars. Now, more then ever before, should ladies take this into consideration. Do anything you can do, pay that extra change to take the bus home after your late night 7-11 ambush or press a few dollars into the taxi drivers hand after that group bank robbery. It will be well worth it when you are still alive in the morning. A few weeks ago a woman, her name has been censored for privacy, went down to the New York City police department to file a complaint on a man she believed was stalking her. Now the New York City police are all a bunch of pigs. If you haven't been murdered or they aren't taking everything you've got out of your wallet for all those parking tickets they don't care if you've got a problem or not. This little lady was turned back into the harsh world with a tear streaking down her face and fresh play for this man that stalked her at night. While riding the bus home she had a great idea. When she got home she called her brothers up and asked them for some help. They used her for bait the next night and when the guy got close the brothers jumped out of the shadow and wrestled the man to the ground. They beat this guy up pretty well and being nice guys that they were they brought him to the hospital, signed him in under the name Nutella 'cause they beat him into a brown mess. The woman didn't get any trouble from Nutella after that, but there have been other sightings and complaints against him in the weeks that followed. **** Street Speeches Aplenty! Too Bad They're All Cocaine Induced Rant by Reporter Kettle Speech: the true art form of our community. God yes, there are those who earn money faster than those Wall Street tycoons. There are Hitmen who kill and completely gut people in a grotesque yet beautiful fish-like way. Yet speech... speech is how we truly progress and shape this world of ours. Communication is the way in which we build our families, forge our alliances and in the case of the Leaders, rally the people to follow behind us. Lately there has been a large influx of brilliant, well-thought out speeches that are delivered with an amazing precision that I haven't seen since my breast augmentation. I try to stop by each and every one and am pleased to find myself completely turned on by the amount of power behind some of the speeches that captivate me like a love song or a romantic poem. Sadly, these speakers, these saviors of society that I secretly lust after like a bull in heat are shoved to the side, the deeper meaning of these Heaven-sent deliveries fall by the wayside. And why? Because the majority of our society is too fixated on the next meaningless and pointless piece of work of performance art on our Streets. Don't get me wrong. I understand this phenomenon and I'm all for diversity. That is what truly makes our community unique. Yet I cannot understand for the life of me why a speech on respect and the code of honor goes unnoticed, while a speech on fuckin' unicorns draws a bigger crowd than Free Hotdog Tuesdays at the diner on the corner of Main and Harrison. What is the appeal, everyone? Someone tell me why they would rather watch people writhe around on the cold, cement sidewalk spouting off phrases about 'pots of gold' and 'rainbows' when Mister or Miss Next-Big-Mafiosi is standing on the opposite corner, sharing pearls of wisdom or attempting to spark a debate and gain some opinions? Ladies and Gentleman, newsflash: We are freaking mobsters. GASP SHOCK HORROR! I know. Mobsters. We don't ride ponies bareback through fields of daisies. We kill people and use their blood to paint our faces in markings of war. Okay, so not that dramatic, but there is a striking difference, believe you me. If you want your butterflies and sunshine, then have your butterflies and fucking sunshine. Just keep it confined to your apartment when you're going on another one of your heroin binges. Let's keep the material on the Streets directed towards our way of life, and a little closer to home, hmm? **** Tea Time presents... Real Mobsters of Genius (Real mobsters of geeeeniiiuuuuuus!) Today we salute you, Mr. Poverty Stricken Blackjack Player (Mr. Povery Stricken Blackjack playaaaa!) You know no boundaries when it comes to winning, and your bank account says it loud and proud. (I owe non-sufficient funds!) You've borrowed money from everyone. Your mom. Your Boss. Even the old lady at the laundry mat. (Can I get this in caaaash?) Hit me. Hit me. Bust. You know eventually it pays to push the envelope every single time. (Dealer stands with twenty-ONNNEEEE!) So have yourself a nice, hot cup of tea Master of the Cards. While the rest of us are saying 'no', you're saying 'yes yes YES'. (Mr. Poverty Stricken Blackjack plaaaayyeeerrrrrr!) **** Life and Times On-Goings of the Six Cities Personal Ads * Lily, 23, green eyes, beach bunny, blond hair, seeking men only. I want to build, live and share the rest of my life with one particular man. I want us to touch souls. I want to beat the odds. Looking for a long term relationship, that's the main thing. However, one of my biggest kinks is being spanked. I'm a lady on the streets, but a freak in the sheets. * Oompa_Loompa, 21, short, orange skin, green hair, handsome sex god, seeking women or men. I'm not even sure what I'm looking for but it has to be real and it has to eventually turn into love because I'm tired of wasted time. What could go wrong being along side a handsome, clean cut, tall, slender man? I do have it all together, decent job, very nice home and financially secure. I'll treat you like milk, I'll do nothing but spoil you. Marriage: Engagement OFF! blackacidevil ripped the ring he gave Nikita just a week ago off her bony little finger (maybe that girl should eat more). Sources say he found Nikita in bed with four other men, NotAsylum, BuddyNielson, Shagggyd and SavageHenry. Nikita looked up at her fiancand asked him to join them. After he said no she told him to leave and let her enjoy herself. Obituaries Columbo you lived a grand life unwillingly taking a bullet to the head so LargeHamster could become Don. That's family dedication. You will be missed. ClauseHasAFatFace don't worry, it'll get skinny once you rot in your plot. Sticky_crack was killed directly after TM-Scarface get a few hints from LargeHamster on getting the rank of Don. Seems TM-Scarface is killing his members off for the greater good also. **** Respect Isn't Taken, It Is Earned So Follow The Fucking Rules Already Rant by Reporter Sexy Respect; it seems to be the growing hot topic in Crime City, USA as of late with more people being shot for their lack thereof, and more influential Mobsters of our time demanding it from every single person, dog and mailbox. Every time someone speaks their mind in a Street debate several people jump up from their sitting places, fingers pointed towards the culprit, and they begin to demand that they show the 'Higher Ups' respect, or that if they wish to be respected, they must first show respect. Yet have you ever thought that it was a moot point to preach those points to us normal, every day members of this society? Now I'm not trying to swap the blame around as I know there are a bunch of jackasses out there that spout their mouths off about anything and everything. I myself have been known to do such from time to time. In regards to this 'respect' issue, though, my question is merely this: Do you think the Family Heads are abiding by the same rule as we are? Now no offense meant to anyone with that statement. We know everyone has worked hard to get to, and stay, where they are in this thing of ours. Yet lately it seems as if people are getting slated for asking questions or thinking outside of the box on some of the leadership. Do you honestly think some of the Big Wigs out there are showing respect in order to gain respect? One cannot simply demand respect from a Big Bold or Slanty Suit Wearer. That's just not how our world words, it was not the code and morals our world was built upon. But I think it's wrong that a higher-up immediately demands universal respect and undying love and devotion from everyone, without giving universal respect in return. "Not everyone is going to love you." That is a phrase I myself learned from my own Mother. If all these random accusations of disrespect are a way to 'spook' other people into showing respect to people they themselves have never had courteous, code-abiding interactions with, I'm sorry to say that the results of this will be futile. I'm sure many Mafiosi respect their own Family Heads, and with good reason as well. As for myself I know I respect my Boss because he and/or she shows me the same respect. Not to the same degree, of course. He and/or She isn't pandering to all my whims, allowing me to walk all over him and/or her and such. As a busy man and/or woman, though, he and/or she shows acts of respect in other ways. Granting me audience when I schedule ahead and request it, a simple piece of correspondence thanking me for some menial task or another. Yet if I don't have the same type of interaction with every other leader, how can I openly respect them as a person? Respecting someone for their status and respecting one for their actions and who they are are two different extremes, I'm sure we'll agree. So to those trying to silence the naysayers, I agree with you. Yes, in some instances it is best to stay silent. Those who make all the sarcastic and bitter comments look like nothing more than a mobster with a case of sour lemons. There are far more constructive ways of showing your distaste while remaining respectful to the public eye. Often times staying silent can keep you alive longer, but as I have been heard quoting around here more often lately 'If you are riled up enough to kill someone over constructive criticism, then you are taking yourself far too seriously'. In other instances it is best to speak free without abandon, because it is in those rare instances that changes are made. And yes, often times those changes are for the better! **** The Results Are In! Analyzing The Data From Last Week's Surveys We asked the hard-hitting questions and YOU provided us with the answers. The second compilation of results from the Mafiosi Weigh-Ins are, well, in! (Tea Time is not responsible for the responses on the surveys. We are merely the mouth-piece for those who are unable to stand up and say as they wish freely. If you have any problems with the results on the surveys, the only place you can really put your blame on is yourself. Neener neener neener.) Once again we would like to stress that these are completely anonymous surveys. We at Tea Time have no clue who wrote what on the leaflets. So feel free to spill your guts and help us get down to the nitty gritty! Last week our first question received an overwhelming response. Tea Time asked our readers, "What do you think should be the punishment for breaking the 48 hour rule?" The results are in!: after twenty-two votes in the span of a week it was decided, with 59.1% of the overall votes, that death should be the only fair punishment for breaking the rule. (Second place with 27.3% of the votes was the choice "A verbal warning then either loss of gun/demotion/death". Click here for full results statistics.) Death seemed to be the only fair punishment on everybody's mind, with reasons such as "You can't behave you should die" and "There is no reason for killing these folks, and it is counterproductive. If it is really "more things to kill" that these hitters want, allowing the cities to grow will offer that to them. Shooting someone who might be a bit slow both mentally and in finding a family will probably convince them to go back to wherever they came from. Leaders, however, should have full discretion to decide when someone is abusing this PRIVILEGE. It is important for those younguns to remember that the rule is just that - a privilege, not a right." Seems the public has spoken, Leaders. Time to crack down and make sure that every rule breaker gets a swift kick up their ass and a swift bullet to their brain for breaking the 48 hour rule. Our second question last week was a little more whimsical. We asked our readers, "Which city do you believe currently has the best business and bar district?" The results are in!: after fourteen votes in the span of a week it was decided, with 42.9% of the votes, that Philly was the reader's choice for the most entrepreneur driven city. (Second place with 21.4% of the votes was New York. Click here for full results statistics.) When we asked for individuals to give a shout out to their favorite Philly business, we received a, well, no responses. New Orleans did get one shout out for the Nightmare Inn, but that seemed to be it. Other cities, you have tons of work to do in order to catch up! Congratulations to Philly on their booming business, and for being voted Tea Time's city with the best business district. Our last question was an open forum question. We at Tea Time asked: " Tell the truth: When your family asks for your shooting/hitter records, do you tell them honestly?" The results are in! More people responded to our Open Forum question this week than last week, and the majority was overwhelming! In the span of a week it was decided, with 88.9% of the votes, that people do tell the truth on their shot records. Many, many reasons were cited as to why, so we have compiled the answers here: Why people will tell the truth. There were a few people who cited they would not tell the truth on their shot records, yet they declined to comment as to why. So there you have it, folks! Be sure to vote on this week's surveys, and stay tuned for more future results! **** Horoscopes by Tea Time Check Here to See What the Week Will Hold! After taking a week hiatus and not returning any of our phone calls, our local psychic-fortune telling lady is back, and boy! Does she reek like whiskey! She managed to do a bit of 'seeing' for us and pumped out this upcoming week's horoscopes. So here they are, check them out! Pisces: February 19th to March 20th Peace and quiet seems to be your thing this week, Pisces. Too bad you can't find it anywhere. Start downing that tequila to keep your troubles and annoyances at bay. Aries: March 21st to April 19th You're motivated this week. Sure, you could accomplish quite a bit, but wouldn't it be more fun to sit down and kick back a couple glasses of wine, Aries? Come and join me, you lush! Taurus: April 20th to May 20th Opposition meets you in just about everything you do this week. Oh well. May as well give up and mix a few drinks to drown your sorrows in. Gemini: May 21st to June 21st Dear Gemini, travel seems to be your forte this week. Why not drink some vodka while you're at it. Might make the trip seem a little more fun and a little less blow-your-brains-out boring. Cancer: June 22nd to July 22nd The moon is ruling in your planetary house or some crap like that. It's a good week to come out of your shell. You know what will help with the undressing? Martinis. In large quantities. Expect to be naked wherever you go. Leo: July 23rd to August 22nd Leo, you grumpy bastard, cheer the hell up! Here, have a round of margaritas on me! Virgo: August 23rd to September 22nd This is a good week to start listening to your intuition and inner voice, Virgo. Wait, what's that? I hear it too! "Whiiiiiskeeeey. Give me whiiiiiskeeeey!" May as well give it what it wants! Libra: September 23rd to October 22nd All your hopes and dreams are about to come true! Congrats, Libra! Have a scotch on the rocks, on me! Scorpio: October 23rd to November 21st You're about to experience a life altering shake up. Sucks to be you, Scorpio. Best drink water. One should never face their trials and tribulations drunk. Sagittarius: November 22nd to December 21st Lately you're acting as if you live in a movie, Sagittarius. What the hell's with that, anyway? You're not glamorous. Stop acting like some Hollywood big shot. Lay off that moonshine too, you're crazy enough without it. Capricorn: December 22nd to January 19th Cappy, you're starting to develop an interest in why you do the things you do. What makes you tic. Here's what I want to know... why? Stop being an idiot. Drink more bourbon. Aquarius: January 20th to February 18th You're stuck in a rut right now, Aquarius, and no matter what you do you can't seem to get out. Hahahahaha! HAHAHAHAHA! **** Tea Time Gives Back To The Community Because We're Just That Damn Sweet What started as a tiny little paper publishing has turned into a full scale gossip magazine, and it's all because of you, readers! Over the course of the last week we have received an overwhelming amount of support in the form of compliments, kudos, sexual favors and most importantly, cash. Now we here at Tea Time are hardly selfish bitches, so what we made last week we want to invest back into our community. Namely, YOU, the reader! Last week we had a large handful of public praise (OOC: You posted in our thread with nice things, yay). What we here at our paper decided to do was put all the names of the people who did so into a hat, and we have drawn three names to be our lucky winners of cold, hard cash! The names were drawn, and the winners are: Tony-Papalia, Iris and UncleNicky! Congratulations to our second handful of recipients for the Tea Time Weekly Award. 50K will be wired to each of your banks shortly! Thanks again, readers, and be sure to praise Tea Time publicly. Who knows, you may be the next cash prize winner! **** Mafiosi Weigh-In: Anonymous Surveys Tea Time Needs Your Input! We, the editors at Tea Time, have decided it's been long over-due for the population of our Seven Cities to have the chance to speak their minds freely. This is why we have come up with a solution of sorts: surveys. Every week we'll ask you for your honest, unbiased opinion on three issues. All you have to do is take the attached leaflets and fill them out completely. By the time the next issue rolls around, we'll have the results tabulated and your feedback ready for public review. Best part yet, it's all anonymous! Here is this week's new batch of questions. Thank you for your participation, and we look forward to giving you a free forum for your thoughts! Weigh-In Five* Weigh-In Six* Open Thought Forum Three* (*OOC Note: These links will take you to a different site. Open them in a separate tab or window if you wish to remain on the current page.) **** We are gossip journalists. We will take any piece of information and embellish or twist it to suit our needs. If you are offended by anything we say, you are probably taking yourself too seriously. Any comments? Questions? Concerns or complaints? Feel free to mail any of the editors with your thoughts. If you are a female interested in guest writing for Tea Time, please contact us and we will set up an interview with you promptly. |
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Again, a terrific read - though of course it had to be read to me because um, well just not seeing straight for some reason at the moment..... But seriously thank you for a moment in our lives when we can actually smile and laugh before the next crime |
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| Reply by: Alessia at Aug 04, '08 21:21 | |
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| Interesting read :P | |
| Reply by: TM-Scarface at Aug 04, '08 21:23 | |
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She tucks her copy under her arm and waves to the girls as she walks by the Tea Time offices. Thanks girls fantastic read! You did a great job. I wasn't muttering to that mirror... Honestly. I don't talk to myself. She looks at the wall and whispers for someone to shut up I am perfectly fine! |
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| Reply by: Iris at Aug 04, '08 21:31 | |
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Laughs as he reads the paper and shakes his head Oh come on....shes sober sometimes....... |
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| Reply by: Czar at Aug 04, '08 21:37 | |
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| Once again, great read. Bit shocked at the accusations pointed in my direction however. I was merely trying to offer you some flowers! | |
| Reply by: Nutella at Aug 04, '08 22:30 | |
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"Out on an afternoon in a park, DaKine, leader of the New Orleans Mafia Syndicate, getting down on all fours and barking viciously at a woman pushing her child in a stroller." Ah, whiskey does terrible things to a man... Good read, hope to see more of this around! |
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| Reply by: DaKine at Aug 04, '08 23:05 | |
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| Excellent work as always, congrats on a great effort. | |
| Reply by: Caligula at Aug 05, '08 07:07 | |
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another fantastic issue ladies I do believe you have beaten off the competition and established yourselves as the number one publication around these streets. well done and I look forward to reading the next issue. |
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| Reply by: Giovanni_Moretti at Aug 05, '08 08:47 | |
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| Awesome as always, i hope my star sign comes true! | |
| Reply by: Sandman at Aug 05, '08 08:52 | |
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| Consistently excellent. Consistently entertaining. Awesome read- keep up the good work! | |
| Reply by: Rorschach at Aug 05, '08 16:28 | |
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